Anyone ever been in this situation?

[ncmickeyluvr]

My biological father died a few years ago and I didn't find out until a month later. It felt strange because I really didn't feel bad about it. Kind of the feeling you get when you find out that a coworkers Grandparent died...bad for them but not yourself. I felt bad for his family....and I didn't include myself in that family, Kwim? My sister was very upset and couldn't understand why I was so detached. The only way that I could describe it was that I had given up completely on our relationship years ago and I think my sister still harbored hope that he could be her father someday.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Actually, I have been in that situation. My biological father was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1990. I tried to have a relationship with him, being that I was a young adult and he had never bothered when I was a kid. It didn't go so good. I stopped contacting him and about six months later got the call. He was not responsive and was dying. I sat up all night with him and watched him die as the day began. I regret being stubborn. He went through a lot as a child, and he loved me as best he could. As I sat at his bedside, I said, "I'm sorry" and tears rolled down his cheek. I was sorry, too. Sorry that I hadn't been the bigger person, sorry that we didn't have a relationship, sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye.

My grandmother had a horribly abusive mother, but she took her sundaes to try and get her to eat something as she was wasting away to nothing in the nursing home.

She's a better woman than I could ever hope to be.

Death is forever. There is no going back. I wish I had better closure, but I wasn't mature enough at the time to deal with him. I don't know that it is any better now.

May you find peace with whatever you decide, as I hope the rest of you do as well.

 

[quentina]

I had this same situation however; it was a bio dad. My step dad forced me to visit. He told me that it is one thing you can never return to and even if it didn't matter, it would prevent future feelings of sadness (if that happened).

I did go, he died, I went to viewing and sat in the back. He was not part of my family.......I felt bad for not mourning for him.

I am glad that I went. It was a few years ago....I don't think it will ever affect me one way or the other....deep down, he/she is still your parent. At some point, you may regret it. Not sure.....don't know what the future will hold.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

[mrsklamc]

Haven't been there but likely will be some day. My mother shows up to her kids' weddings, graduations, etc...but only because she thinks they are actually about HER. She wore white to my wedding.

As many others have said, if you haven't been there, you don't know. I think we should just be glad we're the minority in society. I pray God gives you peace with whatever you decide.

 

[Gigi22]

What can I say to the OP? What you need to do, and what is harder than forgiveness, is to figure out how to live your life so that toxic people do not have any power to harm you, or affect how you choose to live your life. If that means forgiveness, then, by all means--go there. If it doesn't mean forgiveness, then you don't have to--but don't beat yourself up about that either. It all boils down to self-knowledge, right?

 

[2manypets]

I just got a call today letting me know my estranged mother was in the hospital and probably not going to make it through the night and if I wanted to see her I should not wait. I have not spoken to her in 15 years, she has never met any of my children, we are truly strangers to eachother. I have decided that I am not going to go see her, but out of respect for my grandparents I will most likely go to the wake and funeral.
My dh is kind of surprised and thought I should go so I don't have any regrets later, and he was wondering why I didn't want to, he even mentioned, "getting even with her". I admit that pissed me off that he would think that of me, but its not like he can understand what I am feeling. I am very comfortable with my decision and my reasons why, but just want to know if others have been in a similiar situation and what came of your decision after the fact. Do you have any regrets?


Oops I thought I was on the Community Board, mods could you please move this thread?

I'm in the exact same situation right now. I've not spoken to my mother or father in 20 years. About 2.5 weeks ago, we got a phone call saying that my mother was in the hospital not expected to make it the week. After discussing it with DH and the kids (they never met their grandparents either) we hightailed it across the country and spent the week with her.

I was afraid that I'd have regrets if I didn't see her one last time to make amends. I didn't want her to go to her final resting place with guilt or whatever. Got to say I'm so glad we went. We made peace with each other. In a time like this, it's much easier to forget and forgive the indescresions that started the estrangement.

Well, she hasn't passed yet, she's a tough woman. She's recently decided to get off her medication (platelettes, etc.) that's keeping her alive because she's tired of fighting the cancer.

My family is back home now, due to work commitments, but we're waiting to hear from my dad as to when to return for the funeral.

I truly believe that I would have had regrets if I didn't see her one last time. It gave her peace of mind in our situation. Even my father and I are once again saying "I love you" to each other. I forgot what a wonderful phrase that was coming from your own family.

 

[Colleen27]

I haven't been there... yet. It'll come someday, assuming that someone will track me down as my father's next of kin. I haven't seen him in a decade and don't anticipate seeing him again. He's chosen a lifestyle I want kept far, far away from my children, and he wasn't any sort of father to me anyway. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've seen him since he moved away when I was 8. I will go to the funeral out of respect for the rest of the family (my grandparents, and aunt & uncle were all a regular part of my childhood despite my father's absence), but I won't be making any last minute flights out to AZ or AL where ever he's calling home to see him before he passes.