Anyone ever been in this situation?

[Stacy_C]

The reality is that people who have had good families or even families with only a normal level of dysfunction can't understand what some have gone through. They cannot understand that it's sometimes necessary to cut ties in order to have a peaceful happy life.

Exactly.

 

[zaztooe]

Sorry this is really long....I guess I had some stuff I wanted to get out....
Switch Dad for Mom and I could have written your post. First let me say, only you know your heart and mind. Do what is best for you and your family.

I can tell what I chose to do and how it effected me....My dad died of Pancreatic cancer 5 years ago this month. I had not seen my dad in 16 years. I had spoken to him on occasion but he never had the time for me and my family. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer his oldest daughter looked in his address book to find my phone number and called me. She was very kind and did not make any demands on me. She just said she knew dad would want me to know and she knew that his wife would not let me know.

This was the week before Easter 2005. I had a 14 yo DS, an 11yo DS and a 9 month old DD and a husband that had never met my father. They had no idea who he was. They were not part of my decision except that we decided to wait until Thursday to make the drive form NJ to Ohio because of school.

We drove to OH and my husband dropped me off at the Hospice center. I went in alone and saw my dad for the first time since 1989. He was so happy to see me. I was sad but not terribly upset. We had spoken during the years, sometimes on better terms than others. His newest wife was a serious part of our problem. I had never met her but she was horrible to me, nasty on the phone, refused to let me talk to my dad if I called etc...

Anyway, I saw my dad on Thursday evening for a short time. I spent some time with him on Friday. I had the displeasure of meeting his wife on Friday. I must say it was not easy being there and having his friends come and meet me and be surprised because the had no idea that I existed. Saturday we (husband and kids) stopped by in the morning before we started the drive home. He had gone down hill dramatically. It was almost shocking.

I said my last goodbyes and we went home. The next day was Easter Sunday and my birthday was Monday (he had remembered my birthday....he had the hospice nurse get him a card to give me when I got there). I got a call Monday morning. My Dad had passed away the night before.

Have I ever been sorry I went? Absolutely not. Do I think I would have been sorry if I had not gone? Absolutely not.

As I have thought it over the last 5 years, there are several reason I think I went. One was to show up his nasty wife....I turned out well and with a lovely family without any support from them..actually it could be said in-spite of them. I wanted them to have to acknowledge my existence. That said I'm at peace with my decision.

So my bottom line.....do what you feel is best in your heart. As long as you are at peace with your decision it is never the wrong one. God Bless you as you go through this tough time.

 

[zoemurr]

My parents divorced when I was 9 and although my dad was far from stellar he did try. When I was 20 he remarried a woman who had a 9 year old and started doing all these things with her that he never did with me. He stopped calling/caring about me when he got his new family. I would call/cry/tried everything to keep a relationship with him, but basically he told me that I was an adult now and I needed to just get over it. I even called him when I had my DD (11yrs ago). They came up for one very short visit, and then I never heard from them again (and I had another child.) There is a point where you have to let go or you willl go crazy.

I have talked to my DH about what I will do when I'm faced with this situation, knowing that I would not want to go.

He said something I thought was very wise. He said that I mourned him a long time ago. I have recovered from him being "dead" to me, and don't think I would gain much by going to a ceremony that is to help other people through their grief. If he called I would talk to him, but I don't think I would disrupt my family to make the 7hr drive to say goodbye.

Unless someone has been abandoned by a parent it is impossible for them to know how you feel. Go with your instincts. I would make the same decision and don't think I would regret it later.

 

[disneymom06]

Your DH is on target. How supportive and understanding.

It is worth repeating that unless you have been there you can't understand.

 

[melanie72575]

My advice to you is simply pray about it. God will give you all the answers you are looking for. You may not want to hear what He says but you should be open to it.

 

[Goobergal99]

I was never in this exact same situation but my father did die when I was very young and although my parents were together, it was his dad that really raised me. I was not even sad when my father passed away and I felt he was very much a stranger. My grandfather however who continued to help raise me even after dad died was incredibly hard to lose when he passed on and I was an adult... because in reality he was pretty much my dad.

Now my husband just went throigh something similar, his grandfather died last June and he really couldn't stand him, he did go to the funeral out of respect for my mother in law, but when we got the call that he wasnt going to last the night, DH declined to go and say goodbye... He does not regret it and feels as though it would have been hypocritical to go.

 

[NYCDiane]

I just got a call today letting me know my estranged mother was in the hospital and probably not going to make it through the night and if I wanted to see her I should not wait. I have not spoken to her in 15 years, she has never met any of my children, we are truly strangers to eachother. I have decided that I am not going to go see her, but out of respect for my grandparents I will most likely go to the wake and funeral.
My dh is kind of surprised and thought I should go so I don't have any regrets later, and he was wondering why I didn't want to, he even mentioned, "getting even with her". I admit that pissed me off that he would think that of me, but its not like he can understand what I am feeling. I am very comfortable with my decision and my reasons why, but just want to know if others have been in a similiar situation and what came of your decision after the fact. Do you have any regrets?


Oops I thought I was on the Community Board, mods could you please move this thread?

You have to do what you feel best about doing. Be prepared, though, because family members are going to make you out to be the bad guy in all this saying "she coudn't even come to the hospital".

I agree with you about the funeral and I think it's a nice gesture toward your grandparents to be there out of respect for them.

 

[cglaura]

I was with my dad. I went, the only think he said to me was "I'm sorry", he passed about 30 minutes after. I was glad I went. It didn't fix us, can't change the past, but it brought a sort of peace that I can't really put into words.

Only you can know what is best for you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks you should do.

I'm just relating my experience.

anyway for even having to deal with such a decision.

 

[quasar4legs]

 

[Grayce]

My DH just went through this situation 18 months ago. His mother, who had not spoke to him in 10 years was diagnosed with lung cancer. We were on vacation at the time, his brother called us to let us know. My DH made the decision not to fly up. He had said everything he needed to say to her a long time ago. Flying home would have just opened up old wounds. Who knows if she would have even wanted to see him. He did not want to be rejected again.

Several days later (while still on vacation) we got another call that she had died, very suddenly, of a blood clot in her lungs.

Since that time my DH has not regretted his decision not to go.

 

[powellrj]

Its up to you to decide if you want to see her.

When my DFIL died, none of the kids would come up to see him at the end. They were all at the funeral though. I would make sure your grandparents want you at the funeral. I know we needed their support at the end, NOT at the funeral. I am sure even if you don't want to see her, they could use your support now, not at the funeral when they will have the support of other people.

 

[Leader of the Club]

Like you I have not seen or spoken to my dad in many years--32. I also received a call that now was the time to say goodbye. I decided not to go. I was/am at peace with the situation. I figured going would only be for his benefit--maybe ease his mind about the way things turned out--and I really didn't care. KWIM

And I didn't want to disrupt the goodbyes of his family--his wife and children that I have never met.

As for going to the funeral, perhaps you can meet with your grandparents privately before or after the service and express your sympathy for their loss.

 

[fkj2]

Has your mother asked for you?

Impending death can make some people take a hard look at the choices they've made in life--and sometimes regret them. If your mom might have regretted some of her choices, it would be an extremely kind gesture on your part to see her before she dies.

I'm currently estranged from my one and only sibling and his children. After a while, you do get over it and life goes on, so I understand your position. If he were to drop dead today, I'm not sure how I'd feel. He's such a selfish individual, and I'm sure I'd be a little disturbed over it but not much.

OTOH, I recall that when I was extremely young, one of my grandparents' in-laws came to the house to speak with my mother. (My grandparents were wintering in FL at the time.) The woman was dying of cancer, and she and her deceased husband had maltreated my grandparents, for which she regretted. She asked my mom to intercede on her behalf with my grandparents, who subsequently forgave her.

I keep telling myself that forgiveness can be more freeing for the person who gives it.

Best with everything.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Maybe considering going to your grandparents now and then make that decission once you talk with them. I can see lots of room for regrets that you can never fix.

Prayers for you during this tough time.

 

[debbiecarr98]

I just wanted to send for what you are going through. I am sorry. Although I have not been in the exact same situation, my mother was an alcoholic/smoker and died last year very young, and we had a rocky relationship. I hope that you will find peace with decision you make. It stirs up so many emotions, regardless of how estranged you are, I think.

 

[JamesMom]

Slightly off topic but wanted to share:
My mother passed away on Feb 12 of this year (almost 3 wks ago for you counting). I am the youngest of five children - the only child of her third marriage and the only she every raised from cradle to graduation. Her first two were raised by her mother (our grandmother) and the middle two were left with the father who died about ten years later. I did not even know of the middle two kids until I was 15 mourning the loss of my dad. My mom was not a nice person and I have gotten over the physical and emotional abuse at her alcholic hands. We were estranged for times after adulthood for the sake of my children who didn't need to hear her beligerent ways. However, when her Alzheimers took a turn for the worse and Adult protective services was being brought it, I stepped up and took care of my mom for last year of her life by arranging hospital, rehab, assisted living and finally, nursing home arrangements. Her oldest son, whom she is closest with and lives 20 minutes away, visited a whopping 4 times - the last on her death bed. I did what I did because I am Christian and have to look at myself in the mirror every morning. What my half-sister did is beyond imagining.
After my mom passed, a woman I had met only once before in my life flew down for the memorial of our mother: a middle child. Mind you, the memorial of my mom had only eight in attendence because of the wreck of relationships left in her wake (only 3 of the five kids). This woman did not know of my existence until she was in her twenties and my mom after abdoning her (abandoned is the word) when she but a toddler came to our mother's memorial. My mom had not even tried to contact her until she was in her late thirites - and the woman let her in via mail and telephone calls. She consistently sent floral arrangements for mothers day. Knowing the circumstances of my mothers betrayal of her own children, I shocked and awed at the strength of my half-sister. I hope to use this opportunity to get to know her and understand her rationale. I worked hard taking care of my mom during her last year, but I feel that what this woman did was above and beyond.
Just wanted to share - thanks for reading

 

[luvmy3]

Like you I have not seen or spoken to my dad in many years--32. I also received a call that now was the time to say goodbye. I decided not to go. I was/am at peace with the situation. I figured going would only be for his benefit--maybe ease his mind about the way things turned out--and I really didn't care. KWIM

And I didn't want to disrupt the goodbyes of his family--his wife and children that I have never met.

As for going to the funeral, perhaps you can meet with your grandparents privately before or after the service and express your sympathy for their loss.

I did not go and I have not heard any news since last night. I did want to mention, that she was not asking for me to be there, her sister called me just to let me know she was not doing well in case I wanted to come.

The bolded part of this post sums up pretty much how I felt. I thought at the time she should be surrounded by her family and the people that love her, and that is not me. For all I know she wouldn't have wanted me there, there has been no effort to make amends (ever) or since she had been diagnosed with cancer, I have no reason to believe that on her death bed she would want to either. There was/is no reason for me to be there, she has not existed in my life or my thoughts for decades, I have put what she has done behind me, to me she was already dead. I hope that she did the same for herself long ago.

I do not see or speak to my grandparents or aunts and uncles often but they have nothing to do with my mother's decision in her life. We have remained in contact through the years, nothing major just keeping updated on our lives. I am not concerned with what they think of me for not being at my mother's side because there is no way any of them will understand why so I know their opinions won't be based on the truth, KWIM. When I hear the news, I will contact my grandparents and tell them I'm sorry but I will still go to the service. (I know they will have no issue with me being there).

 

[paper1225]

After reading your original post and all the replies, I really had to think. My mother left my father, brother and I 30 (I was 8) years ago. At age 18, I found her through the social security office and tried to have a relationship (writing back and forth) with her. After lies, I decided to break away from the situation. I am not in contact with any of her family, and I know her parents passed years ago-but I am challenged by your question.

Would I go and see her for myself, or would it cause pain all over again?

For your answer I think you need to really think about what it means for you long term. I think I would see her. I have not laid eyes on my mother in 30 years.......I would like to see her alive, but I think I would make it brief. I would not do it for her, but for me. Would I allow her to see my children-no, nor would I even talk about them. I know my brother would not see her. He has made it obvious that he would only like to know that she has passed, just for closure reasons. I am sure my post has not helped, but for me-I cannot believe how many people are in the same situation as us.

 

[penn19]

I fully expect to be in this situation one day. Have not spoken with my mom in 4 years. And have had years before that where we do not speak. Reason? I didn't see her first before I saw my sister when I went to go visit her. She is bizarre. Anyway, after this last time of her not speaking to me I decided I was at peace with that and when the time comes I will not go to her funeral. If she can't be bothered with me when she is alive, I feel it would be hypocritical for me to go see her dead. What's the point?
You have to do what's right for YOU, and not worry about what other people think. Only you, in your unique situation can understand what you are going through. Listen to your heart and you will come to the right decision.

 

[wenrob]

At 42yrs old I still feel like an abandoned child. My mother left when I was barely 2 1/2, my sister just a baby. She has been sporadic in our lives, her "real" family (my younger bros and their kids) matter more. I spent decades trying to make her love me or at least care. We exchange birthday/Christmas cards and speak maybe one or two times a year, my youngest kids have no clue who she is. I've tried to make peace with it and let it go, what else can I do? All that said I think I would go for me. I do not want to have any regrets and in the end for me that's the right to do. Though I'm not so sure she'd do the same.