Anyone ever been in this situation?

[Inigo]

You have to do what you feel best about doing. Be prepared, though, because family members are going to make you out to be the bad guy in all this saying "she coudn't even come to the hospital".

I agree with you about the funeral and I think it's a nice gesture toward your grandparents to be there out of respect for them.

I agree with most of this. The only thing is that, if family members know the situation and love you, they probably won't pull the "she couldn't even come to the hospital" thing on you. I'll tell you some of my life on this.

My parents were still married when my father died, and I lived in the household until I moved out for college upon HS graduation. I was neglected and allowed to be abused as a child. My parents made it very clear that the only one of us they cared about was their oldest son. The next two sons also ranked on their list, but not nearly as high as the psycho (oldest). I didn't matter much at all in reality, although they put on a good front for people outside the family. I was in fear of my life a lot as a child. These people should never have had children, or at the very least, psycho should have received mental (or punative sanctions through the criminal justice system).

My father died 11 years ago when I was 32. After moving out for college, I didn't see those people much, maybe once or twice a year at most. When DS was a baby, I took him over there because "oh they wanted to see him." Yeah, they let psycho threaten to hurt my son and I really think they would have allowed it. When he started his crap, DH picked up the diaper bag, I picked up DS, and we left. Didn't go back until 4 1/2 years later because "Oh we want to see your kids, especially your DD." I told them we would come over for a short visit on DD's first birthday on one condition: I would not stay if psycho was there. They promised because they really really wanted to see us. We arranged what time to be there, and within 20 minutes, psycho pulls in with his wife and kids. My mother actually said, "What did you expect me to do? Tell him not to come over here? He can be here anytime he wants." Well, DH and I picked up the kids, and left. That was it.

Over all these years, I have continued to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins on both sides of the family. My aunts and uncles finally asked me why, and I told them. Every single one of them said they always thought my parents were weird with how they let psycho get away with things, and always thought I was treated oddly even though they didn't realize it went to the extent it did. This is their sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law. They believed me when I told them, and that made such a difference to me. They said that was why they always wanted me to come visit them and stay with them. When I miss things because those people weren't really parents, my aunts and uncles understand. I know when I go to things, I can sit with any of them, and they are there for me. Without them, my best friend's family, and some of my teachers, I don't think I would have made it.

I dont hear the "at least she could have..."

I have some cousins that get it and understand, and some that don't. At this point, I don't think they'll change their minds. Oh well, that's their problem, they didn't live it. They have to decide how to live their lives, and I'll decide what's best for me and for my children.

When my mother dies, I might go to the funeral, I might not. I don't know. When my father died, I went. You know what, it was no different than going to any other mild acquaintances funeral. I wasn't grief-stricken. I realized his death was a non-event for me.

When my uncles and aunts have died, those deaths mattered. Those were people I cared about.

To the OP:

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I think that you need to do what is in your heart and make peace with your decision.

 

[Inigo]

Has your mother asked for you?
I keep telling myself that forgiveness can be more freeing for the person who gives it.

Best with everything.

People can forgive, but I'm a big advocate on not forgetting. You don't have to do both.

To the OP, I'm sorry for hijacking with my situation. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Make the best decision for YOU. YOU and your children (and your DH) and the important ones here. That adult made her own decisions. You did not cause her to do the things she has done. She made her choices, and the way you were treated is one of those choices. All you can do is to do what's best for you.

 

[hedgehog2owl]

Do you have any regrets?

My dad did not go see his dad when his aunt came and begged him to do so. He has no regrets and neither do his sisters.

GL

 

[MrsPete]

Yes, I have been in that situation.

My father abandoned us when I was a child. We knew where he was (out of state, living with his mother who also didn't like us), but he never came to see us -- even when he returned to our state. He never paid child support, which you can imagine made life difficult. He didn't came to my high school graduation but not those of my brothers. He didn't come to my college graduation or my wedding. He occasionally sent a birthday or Christmas gift to one child -- never to all of us. He was also an alcoholic.

I had been married less than a year when my aunt called and said that he had only days left to live. We really couldn't afford to make a trip out of state, and I was in college so time off wasn't easy. My husband had never met my father.

We went, and I'm glad we did. It was really the only time I saw him through adult eyes, and I saw him for what he really was: a sick and broken person. If I hadn't gone, I think I'd regret it -- not for him, but for me.

I'd advise you to go too. You will probably never get another chance, and if you don't go I think you'll regret it. It's better to regret having seen him than to wish you could go back and have that chance.

 

[hockeyprincess]

Wow, I had no idea so many parents did this to their children! I could have combined many of these posts and came up with my own situation....

I had not spoken to my father since I was 12, and since I was not speaking to him, my grandparents wrote me off as well... that hurt because I was very close to them. They had many, many opportunities to make amends with me, and I put all that responsibility on them and always will, as I was the child and they were 3 adults in the situation. They have all since passed, and they died long, horrible deaths. I did go to the funerals of 2 of them, and went with my brother, we did not sit with the "family" but to the middle-back of the church.... the first in 1999, where they told my brother (to the side, of course) "We're glad you're here, but you shouldn't have brought your sister" (That was my grandmother's funeral). My father was next to go, and we went to the viewing but not the funeral, and finally my grandfather a year later, to the day of my father's death. I did not go to my grandfather's funeral and I know my brother did not either. They all died lonely and horribly, and I do not feel bad for any of them. I am completely at peace with my decision, and will remain that way. I have no regrets at all, as in, if I could have done this, should have done that... Nope, I was a child and my brother even younger than I, and they as adults couldn't swallow their pride for their own flesh & blood... try and do whatever necessary to fix and mend the relationship, well, as I said, I have no regrets and am completely at peace. I have 2 children, and none of them ever met either of my kids.

My father's brother-in-law called my brother out of the blue one night, stating our father was not good and had a 1% chance of making it thru the night. My brother was torn about what to do, but ultimately did not go. I never received a phone call, nor did either of us even KNOW he had been sick. (I wouldn't have went either, but that's here nor there) Just out of the blue, "Hey, he's dying, if you want to come see him, better come now.. Yeah I realize the hospital is 3 hours away and it's 8:30pm, but now is the time." Whatever...that was cowardice at it's best if you ask me...

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru, but you know what's right for you. You know in your heart--I did, there never was a doubt what I needed or did not need to do, and there still isn't. I don't believe those that say "You will regret this later", because the truth is, likely you won't. If you have no feelings for these people now, and to me, they were just people, it won't change that later. Best of luck with your decision.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

At 42yrs old I still feel like an abandoned child. My mother left when I was barely 2 1/2, my sister just a baby. She has been sporadic in our lives, her "real" family (my younger bros and their kids) matter more. I spent decades trying to make her love me or at least care. We exchange birthday/Christmas cards and speak maybe one or two times a year, my youngest kids have no clue who she is. I've tried to make peace with it and let it go, what else can I do? All that said I think I would go for me. I do not want to have any regrets and in the end for me that's the right to do. Though I'm not so sure she'd do the same.

I'm 34, and I agree. I don't know if you ever get over that feeling. My dad walked out before I was born and I saw him twice at my request as a child for a couple hours each. Thankfully the second time I was old enough to remember so I don't care to again. My mom left me as an infant in the full time care of my grandparents. I get it, she was a teenager, but she'd come back and leave again well past her teenage years. Everytime I got used to her being there she'd leave again. It almost felt like it was a game. Thankfully I had my grandparents who were my parents. Even now, I talk to my mom, I see her a couple times a year, but she isn't my mom. I know that I am the biggest disapointment of her life. I was her only child, I looked just like my father I grew up to be just like my grandmother and have no similar interests or beliefs of my mom.

So you are not alone in not getting over it. I still get worked up over it when I think about it. For me it was like stay, leave, I don't care just pick one! I actually think it was easier for me with my dad, he just left and nevr looked back.

 

[dd50]

I had a bio dad that I really didn't know. Seem him a few times when we were pre-teens. He had 4 other kids with a new wife. We would go at Christmas time and he would borrow $5 from him brother so he could give it to us for Christmas. He died about 12 years ago but I didn't go (long distance) and didn't even feel sad. He was a stranger. I felt like I would for any one that I didn't know that died of cancer. Sorry for the person but not heart broken. To this day I don't even know his other kids and really have no desire to.

I think that you just need to follow your heart and make the best decision for you and no one else.

 

[MrsPete]

I haven't faced this situation...yet. I have not spoken to my father in 15 years either and like you said, we are strangers. I have wondered what I will do when he dies (assuming he dies before I do). While I will not "rejoice" in his passing, I may think "oh, that's too bad"....just like I would with any other "stranger". For the most part, I really think I will be indifferent. I also don't see myself going to his deathbed and I don't think I'd feel guilty about it either.

Best wishes.

Honestly -- when someday comes -- you may find yourself more affected by his death than you expect. I posted a moment ago about how my father had abandoned us, moved out of state, essentially hadn't been a part of my life for more than a decade, had hurt me badly by refusing to attend my wedding (he was busy), had never met my husband.

I would've sworn that I would've reacted just as you say: "Oh, that's too bad." Now let's go on with our lives.

When I got the phone call that he had actually died (about a week after we'd gone to see him), I was VERY affected. I literally fell down on the floor, unable to use my legs -- I've never behaved that way in my whole life, not before and not since -- and I cried uncontrolably for a very long time. I've only cried like that one other time in my life, and that was when my grandmother had a stroke and I thought she was going to die.

I do have good memories of him as a small child, and that last visit a week before he died had no effect on my grief at his death; it would've been just as bad if I hadn't gone to see him.

My whole point is that whether you're close right now or not, losing a parent is heart wrenching. I was honestly surprised at how much I grieved.

 

[Disneyrsh]

.

 

[debbiecarr98]

I completely understand your feelings, I wanted to share this that I found on these boards about forgiveness when I was going through the death of my mom, and even if some parts give some people comfort, is why I wanted to reprint it. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1970291&referrerid=70088 I am certainly not saying you need to forgive, it is a struggle, but I just found this very helpful, personally, and had saved it.

 

[crisi]

Like the PP above said, it's impossible to know how it feels unless you've been there, so don't judge Dh too harshly.

And even then we are all individuals and the right decision for one person might leave another person filled with regret - whether that is visit or not visit.


I have a girlfriend who was completely estranged from her mother for twenty years - and mostly estranged from her her entire life. She discovered a woman with her mother's name had passed on some five years before while she was doing some genealogy work. It took a little effort to discover that it had indeed been her mother. And you know, she was hit kind of hard by it. The reality that her Mommy was never going to show up and ask for forgiveness (my friend is 50), but also her own mortality. And the awareness that your mother could die and you could never know - a sad reflection on her mother's life.

 

[swilshire]

My husband was estranged from his father for good reason for 10 or 15 years. Then he decided to bury the hatchet and make contact. They aren't best buds, but they visit once or twice a year.

Your mother may have things to say about regrets that would make you feel better going forward. I think I'd at least make a quick visit out of respect.

It's one day out of your life and you may never get another opportunity.

JMHO.

Sheila

 

[coolbeans]

I have a girlfriend who was completely estranged from her mother for twenty years - and mostly estranged from her her entire life. She discovered a woman with her mother's name had passed on some five years before while she was doing some genealogy work. It took a little effort to discover that it had indeed been her mother. And you know, she was hit kind of hard by it. The reality that her Mommy was never going to show up and ask for forgiveness (my friend is 50), but also her own mortality. And the awareness that your mother could die and you could never know - a sad reflection on her mother's life.

my husband had this situation happen to him too. his dad was only in his life twice, once when he was conceived and when his brother was conceived... he wasn't there when his mom died and he and his brother had to go live with his aunt and uncle (who already had two son's).. when i got pregnant with DS i asked him for permission to research his dad.. (my dad had passed away and i think i was feeling nostalgic, really wanted a grampa for my DS), well my searching discovered that his dad passed away about 6 months before i started to search. it was closure to know he had passed for DH, but i really think that he would have liked to have that one last opportunity to see him (if for nothing else than to get a good gut punch in)

 

[luvmy3]

Its nice to know I'm not alone, there have been many times where I thought I was.

I have been waiting all day for the phone to ring but there hasn't been an update. I wish that meant good news for her, but I'm pretty sure there isn't any at this point. I do hope she leaves this world surrounded by her family and at peace. Thats about all I can do.
Thanks again for all your replies.

 

[tinkermom23]

The reality that her Mommy was never going to show up and ask for forgiveness

Like the PP above said, it's impossible to know how it feels unless you've been there, so don't judge Dh too harshly.

Most of us who've had parental issues have made multiple attempts to "fix" what was wrong or even apologize for something we didn't do, to no avail.

It's a difficult situation. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that many of us have had similar situations and you are not alone.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

I will be in your situation someday too...so sad to see so many others in the same situation, but kinda comforting too

 

[AndreaDM]

Wow, this is so strange to read this, because it's been something that's been on my mind lately. I haven't spoken to my parents in almost 8 years (I am 40 years old) and they are in their 70's so I know that time will come. They hurt me deeply in many ways, but the last straw was their refusal to come to, or even acknowledge my wedding because of their really strange religious beliefs (too complicated to get into here). I had put up with a lot from them including them trying to brainwash my 2 older children into their way of thinking, but I decided enough was enough and my husband and children were my family now and they come first, period. My youngest daugher doesn't even know them, occasionally she will ask about my parents, so far I've been able to distract her and change the subject, but I know I will have to have a talk with her about them soon.

Anyway, back to the subject, do what YOU need to do for YOUR family, do not do anything out of guilt or obligation. I know when my parents pass I will be given a LOT of grief from aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., but no one knows the full story and I refuse to let their thoughts of me impact how I feel. The really odd thing is that they are my adoptive parents, I have already grieved the loss of my birth parents when they walked out on my at age 2. I think this has made me a very fierce, protective mother - I never want my children to feel the abandonment and sadness I have felt.

Good luck to you, I will be thinking of you in the coming days.

 

[penn19]

Wow OP! Thanks for posting this. My whole life I have felt that there was something wrong with ME. Anyone I ever spoke to had great, loving, supportive parents and it always made me feel like I guess I must be wrong feeling like I do.
I do not hide much from my kids. They know how my mom is. They don't get how someone can be that way to their own kid, but they have seen it firsthand. I NEVER want my kids to feel that way. To feel like you are disposable. My entire life I always thought to myself well, if my MOM and DAD don't love me then there must be something really, really wrong with me" I mean how can your own parents not even love you? I understand that it is their deal not mine, but it still bothers me to this day.
Some people should never be allowed to have kids!

 

[Planogirl]

My mother walked out of our lives over 10 years ago so I can relate. It didn't really bother me that she ditched me because we never got along. I also didn't mind her dropping DH because she never liked him. But she walked out on DS too and it really confused him. I tried to keep their relationship going but she wasn't interested and I can't forget that because I know how hurt he was.

I don't know what I'll do if I'm told that she is dying or if I'd attend a funeral. I don't think that I would but it's hard to be sure.