Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[krcit]

I agree with everything, except the "cute outfit going out looking for a better man." I have no intention, when all is said and done, of ever dating at all, if ever. I'm emotionally done and drained and would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life alone. Lord knows I've spent the past 15 years or so alone, what would be any different? I honestly don't think I could ever trust anyone else. It's not about finding happiness from other people, but rather finding happiness from within myself. I have no doubt that I am a good, kind, loving, nurturing person, so I have not let his behavior define me. I'd really rather just be alone.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that one day you will have the happiness you deserve whether that is alone or with a new partner

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that one day you will have the happiness you deserve whether that is alone or with a new partner

Thank you. I know it's probably hard to believe, but outside this one aspect of my life, I'm a very happy person. I have a wonderful daughter, a great job, my health, and a good sense of humor about it all. I feel so fortunate to be so blessed in all other aspects of my life, that I just deal with this as a temporary setback in life. I, by no means, feel like I'm down for the count. I'm sorry if some of you feel like I've shared too much, but I know how OP and others feel. Sometimes it so hard to keep it all inside. Thanks for letting me do that.

 

[zinnea]

Talk about it now. Do not let it go on any longer. It will NOT get better on it's own, trust me. Communicate. Don't let this fester and destroy your self-esteem, because it will. I wish you luck Don't forget that you deserve to be happy and satisfied(in all ways) in your marriage.

You speak like you know where I'm coming from. Thank you.

We talk about it every now and then. He just has a lower drive and I have a higher one. I have ways of getting him going KWIM, it's just that sometimes a woman wants to be pursued. It does affect my self-esteem, and his as well since he feels "old" he says. We probably need to communicate more though.

Thanks again.

 

[zinnea]

Thank you. I know it's probably hard to believe, but outside this one aspect of my life, I'm a very happy person. I have a wonderful daughter, a great job, my health, and a good sense of humor about it all. I feel so fortunate to be so blessed in all other aspects of my life, that I just deal with this as a temporary setback in life. I, by no means, feel like I'm down for the count. I'm sorry if some of you feel like I've shared too much, but I know how OP and others feel. Sometimes it so hard to keep it all inside. Thanks for letting me do that.

Hugs and best wishes to you. What's the Dis for if not for sharing and caring?

And thanks for letting me share anon. I know it's a cop out way to post, but thank you all. It helps.

 

[zinnea]

I'll bite. My marriage is in rough shape right now. I actually posted about it under an assumed name a while ago.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. We have two young daughters. My husband has changed completely from when we first got together. He was so loving and kind. Everyone who met him commented on how much he loved me. He used to tell me about the unhappy home he grew up in and say "I'm never going to be like my father. I'm going to be loving and supportive, a great husband and dad. My family will always be so important to me."

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

I know he's not cheating. I thought he might be but I put a lot of time, money, and effort on the line to find out that he really DOES just work that much and play that many solo video games.

It's multi-factorial, I think. He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out. Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate. He actually told me that he thinks our marriage is fine. "We never fight. No one's cheating. I don't hit the kids. We work together to keep the family afloat. It's fine!" He refuses to get counseling.

My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that. I thought it would be enough for me to work on myself; seeing a counselor, working out, trying to be grateful for healthy kids and a steady income. It's starting to NOT be enough though. I don't need a roommate. If I wanted a roommate, I'd live with my mother, who would not only split the rent but also watch my kids and mop my floors everyday. I could live another 50 years. Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don't know.

The problem is......I still love him so much. Being a good wife is important to me. I encourage him to pursue his hobbies (karate, mostly) to relieve his stress. I'm a good cook. I'm unfailingly supportive. All I really need is for him to ask me about my day and maybe kiss me every once in a while. I could stretch it out and make it work. If I ask, he makes an attempt to meet my needs, at least until the next run of double shifts comes around. I don't have an answer. But right now, I feel somewhat unlovable.


I'm sure I'll regret putting this out there but I know there has to be one or two people out there going through the same thing, and maybe this will help them not feel so alone.

I'm sorry. If you told him how strongly you feel about seeing a marriage counselor, would he go? Does he know how bad you feel?

 

[rigs32]

Hope you have your flame suit on, or otherwise have dug a foxhole, because that type of language doesn't cow to the party line around here, where men are expected to just "deal with it" or "take care of themselves." Or otherwise we just need to "grow up" if we express this point of view.

Forgot to check in on this thread after posting before.... I am female. It was my male ex who had no interest. And once I got brave enough to talk to female friends about it, it turned out that many of them were unsatisfied with their partners' "appetites" as well.

 

[zinnea]

Getting to 10 posts so I can reply to PMs. Excuse the interuption.

 

[zinnea]

k last one. Happy easter.

 

[december]

:

 

[zinnea]

Nope, it is not. And getting harder and harder to pretend that it is.

I'm sorry. It seems like there are lots of us in this "club". Do you have to pretend? Do you have anyone you can talk truthfully about it? I don't / didn't really until I posted on this thread and now kind people PMed me to talk. It really makes me feel better to hear others' thoughts.

Take good care,

 

[Disney Doll]

In DH and my case, we are the opposite of this. Sex is hugely important to me. Huge. So now what? I think there are some men who feel whew, I don't have to perform (or want to) anymore, just as there are some women. I just don't fit the mold of the "typical" woman in that area.



I have to trust that my love for him and my desire to grow old together will help me get pushier (in a kind way?) about it.

Has he had a physical to rule out any physical cause? That would be my 1st step.

 

[wdwmom2]

You speak like you know where I'm coming from. Thank you.

We talk about it every now and then. He just has a lower drive and I have a higher one. I have ways of getting him going KWIM, it's just that sometimes a woman wants to be pursued. It does affect my self-esteem, and his as well since he feels "old" he says. We probably need to communicate more though.

Thanks again.

Maybe his first step should be to the doctors office. I would want to get his testosterone levels checked to rule out a hormone problem. A common cause of decreased libedo is low testosterone level.

Just a thought.

 

[wdwmom2]

Has he had a physical to rule out any physical cause? That would be my 1st step.

Great minds think alike

 

[december]

x

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Yep. A group of women I met here on these boards thank goodness.

Actually, I've been more and more honest with everyone around me once I realized how much I'd been giving and he'd been taking for the past 23 years. My problem is he hasn't changed. He is still the same person he was when I was 15 and he was 16. I've changed. And I'm not going back to that person that he wants me to be. Just don't like her very much.............

I've always joked that I'm married to Peter Pan -- he doesn't want to grow up.

 

[zinnea]

Great minds think alike

Thank you both for the suggestion! We'll look into the testosterone level asap.

 

[DisMN]

I have found that marriage is exactly like the other parts of life. Life in general isn't unicorns and rainbows so why would I expect my marriage to be? As with life it has it's ups and downs, with some downs really depressing. But when it's GOOD it's really really good and worth waiting through the down time for the nice bits to return.
One of our lows lasted on and off for almost 6 years and it wasn't easy but it was worth waiting it out.

I guess I'm saying no, my marriage isn't all roses and rainbows but I never expected it to be that. IMHO it's just not a realistic expectation.

We've never been unkind or cruel to each other, even during our rough spots and I think continuing to ACT like you still love each other goes a long way in weathering the rough spots. I think we both kept hope.....if one or the other lost hope it might have been a very different story.

 

[mommasita]

My marriage is not all roses and rainbows by a long shot. I am not unhappy but I am not really oh so happy either. I guess I am comfortable.

We seem to lead 2 seperate lives most of the time. We do talk but we don't really enjoy each other's company like we used to. We argue mostly over stupid stuff. Not being together much, we tend to get on each other's nerves easily. I have learned that rather than argue, I just keep quiet about some things.

I don't expect a lot of roses and romance. But a few daisys and fun would be nice too.

And yes, I have told him. He thinks that whatever was good enough for his parent's marriage should be good enough for me. His mom and I are very different people, but I happen to know that she wasn't happy for a long, long time. Now she works 2 jobs, is rarely home and spends most of her time with her daughter and all of her grandkids.

Our daughter is 12 and will be growing up in a few years. I am not sure whether we will still be together or not after that.

This is basically our marriage to a T. I do love him, but am not IN LOVE any longer. He broke that dream, and I have been trying to find a way to get it back for 5 years, and am now realizing I can't do it. I do not any longer trust him, and without that, what is there? He says I have not tried. I have tried everything, professionally and otherwise.

I feel like a single mother (and I am ) in every aspect, except I need his $$, otherwise, I would have been long gone. And this is coming on 16 years this June. It hurts me to the bone.

 

[december]

x

 

[IdesOmarch]

Forgot to check in on this thread after posting before.... I am female. It was my male ex who had no interest. And once I got brave enough to talk to female friends about it, it turned out that many of them were unsatisfied with their partners' "appetites" as well.

I admit after reading this thread I was totally wrong, it is obviously not just a male issue, I've noticed a lot more women than I ever thought have this same problem. I think we should start a support group.