Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[IdesOmarch]

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing marriage. It got me thinking are there really any "happy" marriages or do they all stink and people just make them look good?

I will admit, I wish mine was a boatload better. I've come to the conclusion mine is based on things that aren't really "family friendly". I'd love it to be more, but I can't convince the other to work with me.
Anyhow, feel free to share if you want.

Are you saying that he doesn't like to do other things with you? Talk about things? Where is the empty void, you said what it was based on, but you didn't say what area you were looking for improvement in.

And why is sex not "family friendly"? Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it, including all animals. A healthy sex life is normally an extremely good thing to form a solid foundation for your relationship. I think alot of these issues boil down to the fact that a lot of women do not feel sex is important, whereas men are just the opposite.

 

[handinpocket]

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

Agree totally. I also think there are huge problems in the marriage if the thought of your husband touching you makes "your skin crawl". That is not normal no matter how many people try to say it is.

I've had plenty of children and sometimes was not in the mood. "Not tonight, I'm a bit worn out" does not equate to "just the thought of you gives me the heebie jeebies".

 

[IdesOmarch]

Agree totally. I also think there are huge problems in the marriage if the thought of your husband touching you makes "your skin crawl". That is not normal no matter how many people try to say it is.

I've had plenty of children and sometimes was not in the mood. "Not tonight, I'm a bit worn out" does not equate to "just the thought of you gives me the heebie jeebies".

Exactly, but I guess we're crazy right.

 

[handinpocket]

Exactly, but I guess we're crazy right.

Apparently, or maybe the truth hurts sometimes.

 

[IdesOmarch]

A man understands that his wife is exhausted after taking care of a baby and kids all day. A boy doesn't understand.

I understand that, and a man should be understanding. But a woman that thinks its OK that the thought of her husband touching her makes her skin crawl, or a woman that thinks that what she says goes, and if he sleeps in the garage he just needs to deal with it, is a little girl headed for a divorce that will be very lonely when she's a much older little girl.

 

[monkeybug]

Agree totally. I also think there are huge problems in the marriage if the thought of your husband touching you makes "your skin crawl". That is not normal no matter how many people try to say it is.

I've had plenty of children and sometimes was not in the mood. "Not tonight, I'm a bit worn out" does not equate to "just the thought of you gives me the heebie jeebies".

Let me ask you something. How do you know what "normal" is? Have you studied much about family dynamics? About postpartum recovery? About a woman's physiological response to having a baby? The psychological ones? Or do you think because that's not what happened to you or most of the people you know that it must not be "normal"?
If the answer is the latter I suggest you do more research, and while your at it look up the definitions of fact and opinion because there is a difference and the assertion of one in place of the other is a very bad habit indeed.
It is quite "normal" statistically for a woman to feel less of a physical draw to her husband or partner after having a baby. That "skin crawling" feeling at the end of a long day caring for baby is not at all uncommon.
And that's not based on my opinion.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Are you saying that he doesn't like to do other things with you? Talk about things? Where is the empty void, you said what it was based on, but you didn't say what area you were looking for improvement in.

And why is sex not "family friendly"? Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it, including all animals. A healthy sex life is normally an extremely good thing to form a solid foundation for your relationship. I think alot of these issues boil down to the fact that a lot of women do not feel sex is important, whereas men are just the opposite.

Our relationship is only sexual. A great one at that, but nothing else. I know how important sex is. Umm..plenty of that going on. We aren't lacking there. Thanks! I'm not exactly like the supposed average woman. I don't need flowers and poetry. Just a nice, how's your day. Anything making you crazy?
He sits at the computer all night playing solitaire, checking on sports and bets, takes naps, etc. No time for talking to me, unless it's about something new and exciting we're going to do. Umm..I have taken all of his hobbies and embraced them. Did I watch sports before we got together? Nah..I knew he loved to watch football from beginning to end, every game all weekend, so I watch too. I don't complain about it, I don't bother him about it. I don't make plans for us during the season.
I've watched Christmas money be gambled away and he felt very bad for it, but I didn't get mad. I just did what I had to do, to make it work.
As I type this I realize that I am a complete putz. I have chosen to be walked on and never acknowledged.
This thread was pointless, cuz I know what I need to do.

 

[happygirl]

Marriage is HARD HARD HARD work!!!!

My hubby and I have been doing the Love Dare and it has helped us 100%

 

[castleview]

Happy marriage so far here too. Yeah the lustiness has its ups and downs and the busyness of three kids can get hectic - but we're a team and enjoy the ride. Plus we don't have time to get a divorce, money to have two separate residences, or the patience to plan a parental supervision agreement.

I was also a kid of whose parents divorced after a long, rocky marriage and disfunction and unhappiness are not somethings I want to deal with anymore. I didn't marry immediately and count my blessings regularly. Life is too short.

 

[janets]

Yes, I'll admit it. Can't even say that I'm generally happy with ups and downs. Not happy. Trying hard to keep my family together. Husband out of work for most of the last 2 years. I'm the sole support, beyond unemployment. He keeps looking in the same industry for work, not going to happen since the recession. Has no idea what else to do or where else to look. Home day after day, yet complains and only does household stuff unwillingly, if at all.

This is the fourth layoff in 9 years. I have had to sell our house and move to help our finances. Had to go back to work 6 weeks after our youngest was born, as he lost his job the day I went out on maternity leave. Have had to cut so much out of our lives to keep finances healthy. He resents all he's now not getting. Have tried talking to him, he claims he gets it, yet he continues to do the same thing (or not do) over and over.

I have younger kids and don't want to take them from their father, but if, when unemployment runs out he does not have some plan for getting back to work or has something in the works, I don't know if I can continue to support him. He has not "supported" me in years. I am just so tired of this.

 

[happygirl]

Yes, I'll admit it. Can't even say that I'm generally happy with ups and downs. Not happy. Trying hard to keep my family together. Husband out of work for most of the last 2 years. I'm the sole support, beyond unemployment. He keeps looking in the same industry for work, not going to happen since the recession. Has no idea what else to do or where else to look. Home day after day, yet complains and only does household stuff unwillingly, if at all.

This is the fourth layoff in 9 years. I have had to sell our house and move to help our finances. Had to go back to work 6 weeks after our youngest was born, as he lost his job the day I went out on maternity leave. Have had to cut so much out of our lives to keep finances healthy. He resents all he's now not getting. Have tried talking to him, he claims he gets it, yet he continues to do the same thing (or not do) over and over.

I have younger kids and don't want to take them from their father, but if, when unemployment runs out he does not have some plan for getting back to work or has something in the works, I don't know if I can continue to support him. He has not "supported" me in years. I am just so tired of this.

Try the Love Dare, I promise it will help you guys

 

[ccgirl]

Our relationship is only sexual. A great one at that, but nothing else. I know how important sex is. Umm..plenty of that going on. We aren't lacking there. Thanks! I'm not exactly like the supposed average woman. I don't need flowers and poetry. Just a nice, how's your day. Anything making you crazy?
He sits at the computer all night playing solitaire, checking on sports and bets, takes naps, etc. No time for talking to me, unless it's about something new and exciting we're going to do. Umm..I have taken all of his hobbies and embraced them. Did I watch sports before we got together? Nah..I knew he loved to watch football from beginning to end, every game all weekend, so I watch too. I don't complain about it, I don't bother him about it. I don't make plans for us during the season.
I've watched Christmas money be gambled away and he felt very bad for it, but I didn't get mad. I just did what I had to do, to make it work.
As I type this I realize that I am a complete putz. I have chosen to be walked on and never acknowledged.
This thread was pointless, cuz I know what I need to do.

Good luck. Have you talked to your DH about this at all. My SiL always asks how I "get my DH to treat me right." First, we have always respected each other. Secondly, I don't stand for anything but that! No way am I going to put up with being walked all over. Again, good luck.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Our relationship is only sexual. A great one at that, but nothing else. I know how important sex is. Umm..plenty of that going on. We aren't lacking there. Thanks! I'm not exactly like the supposed average woman. I don't need flowers and poetry. Just a nice, how's your day. Anything making you crazy?
He sits at the computer all night playing solitaire, checking on sports and bets, takes naps, etc. No time for talking to me, unless it's about something new and exciting we're going to do. Umm..I have taken all of his hobbies and embraced them. Did I watch sports before we got together? Nah..I knew he loved to watch football from beginning to end, every game all weekend, so I watch too. I don't complain about it, I don't bother him about it. I don't make plans for us during the season.
I've watched Christmas money be gambled away and he felt very bad for it, but I didn't get mad. I just did what I had to do, to make it work.
As I type this I realize that I am a complete putz. I have chosen to be walked on and never acknowledged.
This thread was pointless, cuz I know what I need to do.

I realize we're only getting your side of the story, but IMO it does sound like you are a very good woman, and he needs to work on the give and take issue on his end. He should bring home a chick flick once a week and have date time. He should bring you roses every now and then, or take you to a nice dinner. Watching sports 24/7 and gambling with Christmas money is not in the least cool to say the least. I would try and talk about these things. Unless you're very wealthy, he certainly should not be gambling IMO. Sounds like if he doesn't change you may need to start exploring a good back up plan.

 

[rie'smom]

I understand that, and a man should be understanding. But a woman that thinks its OK that the thought of her husband touching her makes her skin crawl, or a woman that thinks that what she says goes, and if he sleeps in the garage he just needs to deal with it, is a little girl headed for a divorce that will be very lonely when she's a much older little girl.

My post was about a woman being exhausted. I've been exhausted and when my husband touched me, I gave him a look that said "Touch me again and you'll lose your man parts." It's only happened a few times in 31 years of being together when I was so tired that I couldn't put two thoughts together.

If a woman continually treats her husband with disdain for no reason, then yes, without counseling, I think divorce is inevitable.

 

[okeydokey]

Our relationship is only sexual. A great one at that, but nothing else. I know how important sex is. Umm..plenty of that going on. We aren't lacking there. Thanks! I'm not exactly like the supposed average woman. I don't need flowers and poetry. Just a nice, how's your day. Anything making you crazy?
He sits at the computer all night playing solitaire, checking on sports and bets, takes naps, etc. No time for talking to me, unless it's about something new and exciting we're going to do. Umm..I have taken all of his hobbies and embraced them. Did I watch sports before we got together? Nah..I knew he loved to watch football from beginning to end, every game all weekend, so I watch too. I don't complain about it, I don't bother him about it. I don't make plans for us during the season.
I've watched Christmas money be gambled away and he felt very bad for it, but I didn't get mad. I just did what I had to do, to make it work.
As I type this I realize that I am a complete putz. I have chosen to be walked on and never acknowledged.
This thread was pointless, cuz I know what I need to do.

Wow, I'm so sorry. The fact that you are not allowed to go out without him is a huge signal. It's hard to fix something when someone doesn't see anything wrong with the situation.

 

[dngnb8]

Ive been to many weddings, and the most common speech I hear is


Marriage is a 50 50 proposition.

I so disagree

Marriage is a 200% investment. We would expect its a 100 100 proposition, but even that isnt really accurate.

Not everyone can put in 100%. When that happens, the other must pick up the balance. If my wife can only muster 80%, I gotta put in 120%

Most issues I see in marriages is that one spouse sits on 100 and says,

Huh, well.... Im doing my share

in an indignant way.

Marriage isnt about doing your share, its about doing what is needed to make it work. If you cannot do this, you shouldnt be married.

Period.

/thread

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Good luck. Have you talked to your DH about this at all. My SiL always asks how I "get my DH to treat me right." First, we have always respected each other. Secondly, I don't stand for anything but that! No way am I going to put up with being walked all over. Again, good luck.

Yep, Ive talked and talked. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I wish that he could just see what it'd be like without for a little bit. I think maybe he'd realize.
I have been too easily a pushover and have always let him get his way, so it's hard to even get him to see that it's not really my thing. I was just trying to make it smooth, but backed myself into a corner in the long run.

 

[monkeybug]

I understand that, and a man should be understanding. But a woman that thinks its OK that the thought of her husband touching her makes her skin crawl, or a woman that thinks that what she says goes, and if he sleeps in the garage he just needs to deal with it, is a little girl headed for a divorce that will be very lonely when she's a much older little girl.

A healthy marriage is about mutual understanding. It's about each person attempting to meet the needs of the other, and forgiving each other when they can't.
It's about holding on to what you do have while you strive for what you don't.

 

[IdesOmarch]

I missed the part about you not being able to go out of the house without him, I didn't realize you were posting from Afghanistan.

Sounds like he has major issues, doesn't sound like your fault at all. I would say if you are in a nothing to lose situation, get yourself dressed up, put on some heels, go out, and start looking for a better deal, if he doesn't want you going out of the house without you and is gambling with the kids Christmas money, I dare say you won't have any problems finding a better deal.

That is if the ultimatum talk doesn't work first.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

I realize we're only getting your side of the story, but IMO it does sound like you are a very good woman, and he needs to work on the give and take issue on his end. He should bring home a chick flick once a week and have date time. He should bring you roses every now and then, or take you to a nice dinner. Watching sports 24/7 and gambling with Christmas money is not in the least cool to say the least. I would try and talk about these things. Unless you're very wealthy, he certainly should not be gambling IMO. Sounds like if he doesn't change you may need to start exploring a good back up plan.

Yes, just my side and you can't make judgments easily with one side, but as whatever is my witness, that's exactly how it goes.
Thank you for your opinion and as hard as it is to admit, I think I am a pretty good wife myself.
I really want to make things work, but it's so hard when he doesn't want to work along side. I'm not asking for big changes. And, that's what I can't understand. And, no one can fix it or help it, but me.
And, no..not rich. I've been told numerous times he was done. One year he just hid it from me, but I found out. Then I thought, if I let him, maybe things would be good. Not so much, cuz losing means he's not happy.

Anyway, I know what I should do. It was just really nice to vent and get others opinions on their marriages.
Thanks so much!!!!!!!!