Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[monkeybug]

Ive been to many weddings, and the most common speech I hear is


Marriage is a 50 50 proposition.

I so disagree

Marriage is a 200% investment. We would expect its a 100 100 proposition, but even that isnt really accurate.

Not everyone can put in 100%. When that happens, the other must pick up the balance. If my wife can only muster 80%, I gotta put in 120%

Most issues I see in marriages is that one spouse sits on 100 and says,

Huh, well.... Im doing my share

in an indignant way.

Marriage isnt about doing your share, its about doing what is needed to make it work. If you cannot do this, you shouldnt be married.

Period.

/thread

 

[monkeybug]

Yes, just my side and you can't make judgments easily with one side, but as whatever is my witness, that's exactly how it goes.
Thank you for your opinion and as hard as it is to admit, I think I am a pretty good wife myself.
I really want to make things work, but it's so hard when he doesn't want to work along side. I'm not asking for big changes. And, that's what I can't understand. And, no one can fix it or help it, but me.
And, no..not rich. I've been told numerous times he was done. One year he just hid it from me, but I found out. Then I thought, if I let him, maybe things would be good. Not so much, cuz losing means he's not happy.

Anyway, I know what I should do. It was just really nice to vent and get others opinions on their marriages.
Thanks so much!!!!!!!!

If you've tried, and he's not receptive, sometimes the only choice left is to go out into the world and build a happy life with out him. You deserve to be happy above all else, marriage included!

 

[2ManyFairytales]

I missed the part about you not being able to go out of the house without him, I didn't realize you were posting from Afghanistan.

Sounds like he has major issues, doesn't sound like your fault at all. I would say if you are in a nothing to lose situation, get yourself dressed up, put on some heels, go out, and start looking for a better deal, if he doesn't want you going out of the house without you and is gambling with the kids Christmas money, I dare say you won't have any problems finding a better deal.

That is if the ultimatum talk doesn't work first.

It's dusty here in the desert. Your whole post made me laugh.
I do know, if and when it's time to be done. I will finish it here first, then find a better deal. Just scares me a little.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Ive been to many weddings, and the most common speech I hear is


Marriage is a 50 50 proposition.

I so disagree

Marriage is a 200% investment. We would expect its a 100 100 proposition, but even that isnt really accurate.

Not everyone can put in 100%. When that happens, the other must pick up the balance. If my wife can only muster 80%, I gotta put in 120%

Most issues I see in marriages is that one spouse sits on 100 and says,

Huh, well.... Im doing my share

in an indignant way.

Marriage isnt about doing your share, its about doing what is needed to make it work. If you cannot do this, you shouldnt be married.

Period.

/thread

I agree. Like I've said, not asking for much. Just a little acknowledgment.

 

[monkeybug]

That is if the ultimatum talk doesn't work first.

If I was in that situation there wouldn't be any "ultimatum talk"
The lipstick, heels, and killer dress? Yes! And red wine with good friends! The ultimatum? Nope! It'd be so long compadre!

Easier said than done though I suppose!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My marriage is not all roses and rainbows by a long shot. I am not unhappy but I am not really oh so happy either. I guess I am comfortable.

We seem to lead 2 seperate lives most of the time. We do talk but we don't really enjoy each other's company like we used to. We argue mostly over stupid stuff. Not being together much, we tend to get on each other's nerves easily. I have learned that rather than argue, I just keep quiet about some things.

I don't expect a lot of roses and romance. But a few daisys and fun would be nice too.

And yes, I have told him. He thinks that whatever was good enough for his parent's marriage should be good enough for me. His mom and I are very different people, but I happen to know that she wasn't happy for a long, long time. Now she works 2 jobs, is rarely home and spends most of her time with her daughter and all of her grandkids.

Our daughter is 12 and will be growing up in a few years. I am not sure whether we will still be together or not after that.

I know exactly how you feel. To put it bluntly, I'm miserable in my marriage and it's been over for years, but we still live the lie together. Just waiting for DD to go off to college and then I'm getting out. Life it too short and I've lived a miserable exisistence for far too long. I have always been the only person in this marriage. He sees nothing wrong with it, but that's his problem. It's not like I haven't begged, pleaded, cried... I should have left when DD was little, but I grew up without a father and I knew if I left he'd never make time to see her. All his free time is spent in a bar. He sees nothing wrong with that. That's how his parents lived their marriage and still do. I always thought I could "fix" him. Guess what, it's not my job to fix him and it's certainly not possible. I dread the next few years because it means my daughter will move out and get her own life, leaving me behind, but yet I can't wait for her to start the next journey in her life, which also means I will have to start a new journey as well.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

I know exactly how you feel. To put it bluntly, I'm miserable in my marriage and it's been over for years, but we still live the lie together. Just waiting for DD to go off to college and then I'm getting out. Life it too short and I've lived a miserable exisistence for far too long. I have always been the only person in this marriage. He sees nothing wrong with it, but that's his problem. It's not like I haven't begged, pleaded, cried... I should have left when DD was little, but I grew up without a father and I knew if I left he'd never make time to see her. All his free time is spent in a bar. He sees nothing wrong with that. That's how his parents lived their marriage and still do. I always thought I could "fix" him. Guess what, it's not my job to fix him and it's certainly not possible. I dread the next few years because it means my daughter will move out and get her own life, leaving me behind, but yet I can't wait for her to start the next journey in her life, which also means I will have to start a new journey as well.

Wow! That's exactly what I'm thinking is going to happen to me. I just keep hanging on, hoping I get used to it or things change. I put up a front and keep it together, but as you know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck in your new adventure, whenever you start!

 

[KimR]

And why is sex not "family friendly"? Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it, including all animals. A healthy sex life is normally an extremely good thing to form a solid foundation for your relationship. I think alot of these issues boil down to the fact that a lot of women do not feel sex is important, whereas men are just the opposite.

That's all well and good, but speaking from the woman's point of view, there's so much more to marriage than sex. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my DH finds me desirable in that way, I just wish he were more interested in converstaion and doing other things together. I guess that what his male friends are for.

 

[dngnb8]

That's all well and good, but speaking from the woman's point of view, there's so much more to marriage than sex. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my DH finds me desirable in that way, I just wish he were more interested in converstaion and doing other things together. I guess that what his male friends are for.

Just dont be too sure those "male friends" arent looking for the sex

 

[KimR]

Just dont be too sure those "male friends" arent looking for the sex

Oh, please. Trust me, that's not the case at all.

 

[dngnb8]

Oh, please. Trust me, that's not the case at all.

That may be true, but "Oh Please" isnt as far out there as you might think it is.

 

[IdesOmarch]

That's all well and good, but speaking from the woman's point of view, there's so much more to marriage than sex. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my DH finds me desirable in that way, I just wish he were more interested in converstaion and doing other things together. I guess that what his male friends are for.

Contrary to popular belief and opinion about me on this board, I have never claimed that it is the only thing in a marriage. Yes he should talk to you, take interest in your day, tell you he loves you, take you out to eat at least once every other week or so, have a date night every week. Buy you some nice shoes every now and then, (ok I had to throw that one in, sorry.)

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Wow! That's exactly what I'm thinking is going to happen to me. I just keep hanging on, hoping I get used to it or things change. I put up a front and keep it together, but as you know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck in your new adventure, whenever you start!

Please don't feel like you're alone in the world, because you're not. Nothing against our fellow DISers, but they sometimes seem to be the happiest, prettiest, most well-adjusted parents of the smartest children in the world. If you ever feel the need to reach out, please feel free to PM me. Hugs and pixie dust to you, in whatever you decide.

 

[palavra]

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

Excuse me?? The next time you give birth, have major hormones coursing through you and spend nearly every waking hour breastfeeding, come talk to me. Until then, be happy with the sacrifices that your wide is making for your child!

 

[palavra]

Contrary to popular belief and opinion about me on this board, I have never claimed that it is the only thing in a marriage. Yes he should talk to you, take interest in your day, tell you he loves you, take you out to eat at least once every other week or so, have a date night every week. Buy you some nice shoes every now and then, (ok I had to throw that one in, sorry.)

How about help with the kids, do the dishes, clean out the garage, do some laundry, change a few diapers and make dinner?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

How about help with the kids, do the dishes, clean out the garage, do some laundry, change a few diapers and make dinner?

Nothing sexier than a man scrubbing a toilet and doing the dishes!

 

[monkeybug]

I know exactly how you feel. To put it bluntly, I'm miserable in my marriage and it's been over for years, but we still live the lie together. Just waiting for DD to go off to college and then I'm getting out. Life it too short and I've lived a miserable exisistence for far too long. I have always been the only person in this marriage. He sees nothing wrong with it, but that's his problem. It's not like I haven't begged, pleaded, cried... I should have left when DD was little, but I grew up without a father and I knew if I left he'd never make time to see her. All his free time is spent in a bar. He sees nothing wrong with that. That's how his parents lived their marriage and still do. I always thought I could "fix" him. Guess what, it's not my job to fix him and it's certainly not possible. I dread the next few years because it means my daughter will move out and get her own life, leaving me behind, but yet I can't wait for her to start the next journey in her life, which also means I will have to start a new journey as well.

I know people have strong opinions about staying in a marriage for children, and the LAST thing I want to do is start that debate, but I just wanted to commend you on sticking it out for your daughter! (not saying it's right or it's wrong) I hope that all the sacrifices you've made for her up until this point (again not saying you were right or wrong to make them) pay off in the next chapter of your life!
Wishing you joy, fun, and love when you get there!

 

[IdesOmarch]

How about help with the kids, do the dishes, clean out the garage, do some laundry, change a few diapers and make dinner?

I thought I did say that in another thread/post. And I don't have a wide. I'm not even sure what a wide is.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I know people have strong opinions about staying in a marriage for children, and the LAST thing I want to do is start that debate, but I just wanted to commend you on sticking it out for your daughter! (not saying it's right or it's wrong) I hope that all the sacrifices you've made for her up until this point (again not saying you were right or wrong to make them) pay off in the next chapter of your life!
Wishing you joy, fun, and love when you get there!

Aw, thanks monkeybug! I still question whether it was the right or wrong thing to do, and I guess I'll really never know. No way to go back and see how it would have turned out if I took a different path. I just hope and pray it was best for everyone involved. I always wonder if she'll look back and see it as a sacrifice, or if I was a bad example of a woman not strong enough to stand up for herself and her child. I just have to believe that everything has played out the way it was meant to.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I have a perfectly lovely marriage. We support each other and when I come home from work, there are roses and dinner is ready. Every night. I get diamonds on the weekends and my husband worships the ground I walk upon. If I'd rather do one thing and he'd rather do something else, there is a discussion as to who is going to go out of their way more to please the other person.

And if it were any different, I certainly wouldn't be telling any of you about it.