Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[drewmer]

A persons marriage is what you make it. There is no perfect one. You can't expect every day that you are married to be great. We all have our ups and downs it is what we do with those ups and downs the makes a difference.

I think too often we think everything will be perfect and we give up or get a bad attitude which just makes things worse.

My HW and I went through some rough patches, we went to a therapist, we have bad days, but we love each other , we are good friends and that is life.

I wish you hard work and and happiness.

 

[luvsJack]

And, I totally hear you. Sounds similar to myself.

Ultimately, I CHOSE this and I am the only one who can fix it.
Just wanted to see if anyone was in the same boat.

Sometimes the threads around here can make one feel that EVERY marriage is oh so wonderful, but I just remind myself that its really not that way. Some people are telling the truth, some are lying and some are somewhere in between.

I have a co-worker that spends half her time telling the rest of us (and anyone who will listen) and putting all over facebook how "wonderful" her hubbie is and how he spoils her rotten and does so much for her. Well, now he has spoiled her so much they are just about to lose their home from huge financial issues, they still spend every weekend night partying the night away in a club (her with her friends and him with his) and he has told his co-workers that he feels like nothing but a wallet to her. So, I guess for that marriage "roses and rainbows" are in the eye of the beholder.

Another co-worker goes on and on about how wonderful her hubbie is how lucky she is. The man is a jerk and no one can stand him. So I am not sure if she is trying to convince herself or everyone else.

I am NOT saying that everyone that says they are happy are like these two. I know there are really great marriages out there. I am lucky enough to see one unfolding from day one--my ds and dil. They are sooo happy and so compatiable. Its fun just to watch them together because you can just see how much they enjoy being together. My sister has a great marriage.

I AM saying that not every person is as giddy happy as they want people to think they are. Its like some people want others to think they have huge amounts of money or perfect kids, etc. Its all about appearances.

 

[snapppyd]

Maybe together you can take the 5 Languages of Love test. My husband and I did this course about 4 years into our marriage and was a real eye opener. The test asks all sorts of questions about how you show and expect to receive love and affection. I found that I need words of encouragment but need to do acts of service to show love and quality time is very important to me. My husband was very low on words of encouragement but high on time together and giving presents so we saw how the other needs to give and receive love.

I adore my husband and love him with all my heart. Our marriage is not always rainbows and roses or as we say in our house the bluebirds of love don't chirp all day long. Marriage isn't always fun and it certainly isn't always easy. I also think alot of people have a misconception about marriage that it is always fun and sweet and romantic but honestly nothing romantic and fun about cleaning bathrooms or inlaws.

To the new mom who needs me time: I don't even have children and understand that. I have a job where I constantly am giving of myself trying to give comfort and understanding. There are days at home that I don't want to talk or hug or do anything but be Tina on the couch. I don't feel guilty telling my husband to leave me alone that I just need me time. Hopefully your adjustments will make it through easily.

Tina, I love you and you always make perfect sense! However, i think cleaning the inlaws deserves a tag!

back to your regularly scheduled thread.............

 

[lorimay]

sure. If anyone who knows me and my dh, if either of us ever claimed to have a tv land marriage.... How boring would that be? Celebrating our 25th this august, complete withlove, fights, disappointments, confusion,laughter, tears, embarrassments, doubts, thrills, kids and pets...shall i go on? One day at a time folks, one day at a time.

exactly....... You took the words right out of my mouth!!!!

we will be celebrating our 25th in january

 

[dngnb8]

In Laws!?!?! I have OUT LAWS!

 

[palavra]

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

What a horrible thing to say! She was only saying what many women feel after being at home all day with a needy child. Thank goodness, my husband understood that.

 

[brockash]

I know what you mean with this. After each of my kids it took me awhile to *find* myself again. You need to let your DH know that you need some me time so you can give him some us time. It does get better, it just takes time & sometimes you have to go ahead & do things to make him feel better & in the process it will make you feel better too. It's just forcing yourself to compromise. Your baby is still a baby.




This is one of the most rude & ignorant statement I have ever seen. If a marriage ends because of that, then it wasn't much of a marriage to begin with. Spouses learn how to help each other & overcome hard times, that is what builds a marriage & makes it strong. I would never dream of saying such to a new mother.

ITA! I suspect that poster has a lot more issues to work out than anyone else on here.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Maybe I am misunderstanding, but are you saying he doesn't want you to go out with your friends (or even by yourself), or is that your choice? I'm sorry, but if it's the former, that's very, very wrong and more than a 'bit controlling'.

I've gone out 1 time with my sis in law, like 6 yrs ago and he'll still bring it up..like maybe i did something wrong. Since then I have chose to not even try to go out with friends, cuz I don't want the hassle. When I go say grocery shopping, I always have a child with me, but even then I feel like maybe he thinks I'm doing something wrong? Not real sure. I'm sure you know what i mean, in my gut I know he doesn't trust me. So, no he doesn't physically say NO, but I'm choosing not to ask. Make sense?

I am not married, but my SO lives with me, so its basically the same thing. Things are really good except in one very important area, where we are just not really compatible. It wouldn't be a big deal at all, but it happens to be the one area that is typically the most, or one of the most important for men. I am assuming you can figure that out.

That's an important part. As you've realized. My problem if you saw, is the opposite. That is the only thing we even talk about and I think the only thing that puts a sparkle in his eye. Not saying that's a bad thing, but I'd like a little more than to feel like a benefits partner.

Sometimes the threads around here can make one feel that EVERY marriage is oh so wonderful, but I just remind myself that its really not that way. Some people are telling the truth, some are lying and some are somewhere in between.

I have a co-worker that spends half her time telling the rest of us (and anyone who will listen) and putting all over facebook how "wonderful" her hubbie is and how he spoils her rotten and does so much for her. Well, now he has spoiled her so much they are just about to lose their home from huge financial issues, they still spend every weekend night partying the night away in a club (her with her friends and him with his) and he has told his co-workers that he feels like nothing but a wallet to her. So, I guess for that marriage "roses and rainbows" are in the eye of the beholder.

Another co-worker goes on and on about how wonderful her hubbie is how lucky she is. The man is a jerk and no one can stand him. So I am not sure if she is trying to convince herself or everyone else.

I am NOT saying that everyone that says they are happy are like these two. I know there are really great marriages out there. I am lucky enough to see one unfolding from day one--my ds and dil. They are sooo happy and so compatiable. Its fun just to watch them together because you can just see how much they enjoy being together. My sister has a great marriage.

I AM saying that not every person is as giddy happy as they want people to think they are. Its like some people want others to think they have huge amounts of money or perfect kids, etc. Its all about appearances.

I know people like that. Alot of them. I think they forget that they've posted or said about the wonderfulness and then tell me the horrid details and what not.

 

[Gerberah]

I'm not sure where I read this or saw it, but it has stuck with me ever since.

Someone asked an elderly couple for marriage advice...how'd they make it work all those years?

Their response was so honest and candid. They said that it was because they hadn't fallen out of love with each other at the same time.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, have you looked into possible postpartum depression? The lack of sleep and breastfeeding so often plus the hormone changes can bring it on. If I were you, I'd check with either my OB or my GP.

This in no way is an excuse for your husband's selfish attitude, just an idea of something that might help you.

I look at people with the "happy" marriages and wish. For the last 2 years, I have lived 1,000 miles away from my husband of almost 16 years. We have been on a journey and this is where it has led. It started nicely, all mid-century with me being home with the kids and him being the bread-winner and then he stopped being the bread-winner, but I was in a position where I could not get a job. I wound up opening my own business, worked hard, and was on the cusp of going national with it when the recession hit and pulled the rug out from under my demographic, so I had to close up shop. At that point, I worked out a scenario to re-enter the work force which involved a temporary move for an internship, but that parlayed into a good, full-time job that I can't just pick up and transfer back where he lives (job market is horrid, he's a contractor and still has work here and there)

He refuses to move where I am because "there are too many people". He has developed personality disorders and I have come to realize that the only reason he wants me around is for what I can do for him, not for who I am as a person. I am unwilling to leave my much-improved situation for being a maid with benefits. We have children who are just as happy being away (he failed to see that they grow up and no longer want baby-talking and pat-a-cake from their dad), but I also hope for treatment and reconciliation someday (the "in sickness and in health" part), although because of the way I have grown, he's going to have a lot of catching up to do.

I hope you find peace and things work out for the best.

I've only been married a little over a year, and I do think I have a happy marriage, but it certainly hasn't been all roses and rainbows either. We argue, it's inevitable, but we try to work through our problems so that we can continue to have a happy marriage that we want to be a part of.

There is no marriage that is 100% perfect, I saw this with my parents marriage, both of my grandmothers gave me example as I got older, but they were all happy with the choice of partner they made and they were willing to work through the tough times to enjoy the happy times.

The first year was the hardest for me.

 

[ccgirl]

Haven't read all the posts but I do want to add my thoughts. There is no such thing as a "perfect" marriages or marriages that don't have bumps along the way. If someone says that, they are just lying. However, it is how you handle those bumps that really matters. My DH and myself do have a happy marriage in general. We always kiss and hug in front of the children. However, we also have our respectful disagreements in front of them as well. A little background...he was 17 when we started dating. We dated exclusively for 9 years and have been married for almost 12. He was not a good communicator when we got married but was always respectful. We worked on the whole communication thing very hard. As our marriage counselor said, "just because something has always been a certain way does not make it right." As I said, we are respectful to each other. I respect he needs time with his buddies. He has season football tickets. He respects I need time with my friends, I go to concerts etc. However, we also realize we need "alone" time together. Tonight is date night for example and after 20+ years with this man I still get excited for date night. We also do a lot as an entire family. We also have "date nights" with our children where he will take our DD to the movies alone or I will take my son to the playground. He is only 3 so the whole movie thing doesn't work out so well.

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

OMG...I could have written this post with my first child. I felt the same exact way! However, it went on for almost 1 year and really took a toll on our marriage. Long story short, we ended up seeking marriage counseling and worked everything out. It was one of the reasons I decided not to BF our son. Do you have a babysitter? Try a date night. That really worked wonders for us to reconnect. When he would get home from work, he would draw me a bath just so I could decompress and have some "me" time. I also pumped with my DD at the end of BFing and my DH would give her a bottle once in a while. Definitely talk to your DH. Maybe there is something you can come up with together. I also wanted to mention I also had post partum depression and just didn't know it.

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

Nice. Real nice. Spoken by someone that probably has not been through it.

Don't ever compare your marriage to someone else's either. A lot of times what goes on in public is not what goes on behing closed doors. I can't imagine being involved in a marriage without communication though. Must be so lonely.

 

[IdesOmarch]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

Not trying to flame you but if that is the case you have some serious problems ahead IMO.

 

[monkeybug]

That's where my problems lie. No talking. I am a SAHM and would LOVE to get some attention. Would LOVE to have someone to chat with. Anymore I feel like we are roomies with benefits. It's hard to explain to others, but I talk enough here, that I'd think he would get it by now.
Who knows?

I have what I would classify as a pretty darn good marriage now, but it hasn't always been that way, and I'm quite sure there will be rough patches in the future too. I think that's an inevitable part of living and growing together, people change and so the marriage changes too.
My husband and I used to have the exact same problem that your having. I would tell him "I might as well just talk to myself, I'd get more response!"
The problem was that he didn't grow up in a house where people had conversations, they all lived like they were little islands, just went through the motions of life near each other, but not really with each other. A little like how 2 year olds parallel play, but don't really play together.
I didn't notice it so much when I worked because I spent sooo much of my time communicating all day, that I was honestly happy for the quiet respite at home, but when I quit work all that quiet got real lonely real quick.
For awhile I just would throw little internal pity parties for myself, or try to engage him in conversation, but it didn't do much good.
I finally just told him "Hey! We talk about you 95% of the time, so for the 5% that I'm talking you NEED to listen and respond, don't just nod your head or give one word answers. Don't change the topic while I'm mid sentence and even if your not interested, pretend you are!"
I would call him on it every time he went back to his old tricks! For my part I also made sure that I had a network of other people to talk to so that I wasn't relying solely on him for conversation.
We haven't had that problem in years, and my husband is a MUCH better communicator now, not just at home, but socially and in his career too. It was just something he never learned at home, so he had to learn it later in life. Now he struggles with visits to his family because of their lack of conversational skills. Hard to believe that was him just a few years ago!
I think that one of the great things about marriage is that it's like the other person is a mirror that shows you all the things you never knew about yourself, both good and bad. If you love each other enough, and have the commitment to stick it out, you can really learn a lot from each other and grow into better people together.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Not trying to flame you but if that is the case you have some serious problems ahead IMO.

Nah, it doesn't have to be problems. It just takes time sometimes. as long as she can admit that she knows it's happening, I'm sure they'll work through it.

 

[monkeybug]

Not trying to flame you but if that is the case you have some serious problems ahead IMO.

That is a COMMON problem. In fact I would say it's more common for a woman to feel that way after having a baby than not. It's something most couples work through quite easily though.
I'd say if a couple can't get through that phase, they have MUCH bigger problems in store.

 

[IdesOmarch]

This will get better. I do know, after 4 kids, how you feel. Men may not understand it, but the ones that actually love you, will try to and comfort you in other ways. Just don't forget about him and yourself. It's hard, but we all need some kind of love.



This is ridiculous. If a man can't handle that his wife is having issues, due to the fact that she's mothering their child..that's who has the problem.
We should all be able to talk it out and come to solutions.

That's where my problems lie. No talking. I am a SAHM and would LOVE to get some attention. Would LOVE to have someone to chat with. Anymore I feel like we are roomies with benefits. It's hard to explain to others, but I talk enough here, that I'd think he would get it by now.
Who knows?

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Sometimes the threads around here can make one feel that EVERY marriage is oh so wonderful, but I just remind myself that its really not that way. Some people are telling the truth, some are lying and some are somewhere in between.

I have a co-worker that spends half her time telling the rest of us (and anyone who will listen) and putting all over facebook how "wonderful" her hubbie is and how he spoils her rotten and does so much for her. Well, now he has spoiled her so much they are just about to lose their home from huge financial issues, they still spend every weekend night partying the night away in a club (her with her friends and him with his) and he has told his co-workers that he feels like nothing but a wallet to her. So, I guess for that marriage "roses and rainbows" are in the eye of the beholder.

Another co-worker goes on and on about how wonderful her hubbie is how lucky she is. The man is a jerk and no one can stand him. So I am not sure if she is trying to convince herself or everyone else.

I am NOT saying that everyone that says they are happy are like these two. I know there are really great marriages out there. I am lucky enough to see one unfolding from day one--my ds and dil. They are sooo happy and so compatiable. Its fun just to watch them together because you can just see how much they enjoy being together. My sister has a great marriage.

I AM saying that not every person is as giddy happy as they want people to think they are. Its like some people want others to think they have huge amounts of money or perfect kids, etc. Its all about appearances.

And some are living with a false sense of security thinking that "their man does what I want and he just has to deal with it" but in actuality may be on very rocky ground.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

Who said this? Did I say that? Because that's not at all like that at my house.

 

[sparks19]

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

I agree to a point here

I mean if a woman doesn't want to get physical that's her choice and her and hubby need to figure out a way to work with that until she's feeling better. However I don't think the woman has a right to kick hubby out of their marital bed whenever she feels like it.

now there have been nights when DD was an infant that hubby would offer to sleep on the couch so I could bring her in with me and get some sleep but I would never MAKE him sleep on the couch. I have control over my own body.. if I don't want to be touched that is my choice but I do owe hubby some sort of communication about what is going on and I would hope that he would be willing to work with me and be compassionate

But I don't get to tell him where he can sleep or where he can sit etc

 

[rie'smom]

This is the difference between men and women, that a lot of gals don't understand. Yes I'm sure there are issues, but your whole "the woman has the right to do whatever she's going to do, including totally rejecting husband, making him sleep in the garage etc., etc., and he just needs to deal with it" is not a good and healthy attitude IMO, and will lead to divorce if it lasts very long.

A man understands that his wife is exhausted after taking care of a baby and kids all day. A boy doesn't understand.