Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[2ManyFairytales]

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing marriage. It got me thinking are there really any "happy" marriages or do they all stink and people just make them look good?

I will admit, I wish mine was a boatload better. I've come to the conclusion mine is based on things that aren't really "family friendly". I'd love it to be more, but I can't convince the other to work with me.
Anyhow, feel free to share if you want.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing marriage. It got me thinking are there really any "happy" marriages or do they all stink and people just make them look good?

I will admit, I wish mine was a boatload better. I've come to the conclusion mine is based on things that aren't really "family friendly". I'd love it to be more, but I can't convince the other to work with me.
Anyhow, feel free to share if you want.

I would like to think I have a "happy" marriage! Everyone around us sure thinks we do !

I guess a couple of things that have been hard for me, but have helped to make my marriage "happy" are:

* I don't speak of things that my DH does that irritate me to ANYONE. Not even my friends. Not even over drinks. There may be the casual "you know how men are..." conversations, but never something specific to my DH.

* I don't talk about our family issues (the 5 of us) to other family members.

* I don't tell my kids to leave the room when we argue. I just feel like if we can't say it in front of them then we shouldn't say it to each other. Also, my kids need to know that you don't run away from stuff, you work it out.

These 3 personal rules have been very hard to keep at times, but they have worked for us. Our marriage isn't all roses, but I sure do love my family! And I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

[mickeyboat]

Ebbs and flows - that is what my marriage has been all about. Most of the times are good, some are not so good, but overall we are very happy together.

Sometimes when things start looking glum, I take out some old letters or pictures and remember how much we loved each other back then, and what our relationship is based on. It helps a lot.

We don't really fight, but I came to realize that it is o.k. for us to disagree every once in a while, and I don't always have to be right.

I also think about how much we have overcome and that those trials have made our relationship stronger.

If my relationship was all about that which is not family friendly, I think I would be looking for a way to make it better. There is so much wonderful that comes from my marriage, and I can't imagine not having it.

 

[njmom47]

Since DH works 2 jobs and is sleeping when he's not working, things are rather quiet in our marriage at this point. But we are both really mellow, so we usually move along quite easily. Our kids are probably the only thing that stresses us, but we stress about them together.

 

[handinpocket]

Have a great marriage, but I married my best friend....that has a lot to do with happiness imo.

 

[disneychic2]

Are there really any happy marriages? Yes. DH and I have been married almost 26 years and we have a happy marriage. We were both married before and he brought two boys into the marriage while I brought two girls. Our blended family worked quite well for the most part. Not saying we didn't have issues at times, but underlying everything else was a love that didn't rely on how the other one behaved or what our finances were like or anything else. Unconditional love is not a feeling. It is a decision we make to not let the bumps and disappointments of life undermine our marriage.

I agree with everything the pp said as well. Good advise! The most important part of our marriage is that we both are people of faith who believe in our commitment before God. Yes, we both have been divorced, but that was beyond our control.

I'm really sorry that your marriage isn't all it could be. You definitely are not alone in that, unfortunately. The pressures and "stuff" of life can really take a toll on any marriage. I don't know what your issues are, but I wish you luck in making it better, even without hubby's help. I'll say a prayer for you.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

That's great for you guys. Very glad to see that there actually are people that are happy. I thought it was all myths and fables.
Really what I have, I could have as a single mom. There's no talking about anything. He doesn't like to. I've tried, but it doesn't seem to help.
I have one person I talk to about it and that's only because I would burst if someone didn't listen.
Thanks for your stories

 

[cassiez76]

i'd say mine was really happy. he's really the only person i want to be around (besides my mom and our son). know each other inside and out. he's my everything

we do have our fights, but in almost 8 years i could probably count on 1 hand how many we've had and that's because we're both headstrong/stubborn.

i rarely talk to friends about anything, but i talk to my mom and she helps me see other views.

i love my hubby so much. we make others sick with how lovey dovey we are

 

[jandersonlj]

Happy Marriage...yes! Still trials...yes! Not really with each other, but instead with our 18 year old sons love life! Teenagers make for rough family times! Everything is not always "roses", but I have a husband that, after 24 years, still wants me around even at my worst! That speaks volumes!!

 

[stepmommyof1]

While I love my hubby very much and am most definitely IN love with him, our marriage is not the fairy tale I thought it was going to be.
I mean we don't really have arguments but it's not all perfect like I thought it was going to be.
I had this vey rosy view of marriage and I pretend I'm living in a fairy tale, I guess. I think we all have to look good and be pretty and live in a perfect house and be happy all the time and be successful as well. I am now in the process of finding out what real life is like LOL.
For one thing, my husband had full custody (no mom in the picture) of his teenage son so that was not really my dream come true, to be saddled with a teenager as my first child lol. For a while I was resentful and had thoughts like "ugh why does he have to have a kid, that's not what I wanted", which is stupid because you can't change the fact that someone had a child, and i realized that if i was going to marry this man I cannot marry him unless I'm willing to love his kid too.
But I absolutely love that kid now, and I think i actually probably spend a lot more time with him than with my husband because my husband is so often away on business.
That's another thing that is not fairy-tale-like, my husband away on business so often.
It all sounds silly (makes ME sound silly, i mean) because I KNEW what his job was and I KNEW he had a kid, so I should have expected this all.
But I think sometimes we put on rose colored lenses and then we don't see what the marriage will REALLY be like until we're smack dab in the middle of it.
But would I say we have a happy marriage? Yes. Not what I thought it was going to be, and not what I originally dreamed of, but happy nonetheless.

 

[Sarah_Rose]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

I just want to tell you, hang in there. It does get better.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

My marriage is not always roses and rainbows. My BFF and I have had many many long discussions about this...her sister has the *perfect* marriage - they never fight, they are best friends, etc. We have several other friends who say the same thing. She, on the other hand, did fight with her DH sometimes and felt like there had to be something wrong with her because she wasn't perfectly happy 100% of the time. And that is pretty much what we bonded over - my marriage isn't perfect either, and yeah, we fight. But I love my husband and I'm married for life, fights and all. Yes, we are best friends, but I think it's good to have a best friend you are not married to as well

 

[handinpocket]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

I know *exactly* how you feel. I nursed my first to 30 months and my second is 9 months. Breastfeeding is a 100% commitment and it takes a toll on you. You just have to take a breath and get your personal space back sometimes.

 

[lizabu]

I'm happy too. We've had our rough patches but we've always hung in there and things have always gotten better.

 

[rie'smom]

My marriage is not always roses and rainbows. My BFF and I have had many many long discussions about this...her sister has the *perfect* marriage - they never fight, they are best friends, etc. We have several other friends who say the same thing. She, on the other hand, did fight with her DH sometimes and felt like there had to be something wrong with her because she wasn't perfectly happy 100% of the time. And that is pretty much what we bonded over - my marriage isn't perfect either, and yeah, we fight. But I love my husband and I'm married for life, fights and all. Yes, we are best friends, but I think it's good to have a best friend you are not married to as well

My marriage isn't all rainbows and my husband is my best friend but I'd be bored to distraction with him if we saw eye to eye about everything. We don't argue often but we do sometimes. Politically wedon't agree and have lively discussions.
We've been happily married for 29 1/2 years so the occasional argument does not doom a marriage.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I married my husband when I was just shy of 21 years old. We've been married for 16 years. My marriage is solid but we have definitely had our fair share of rough times. We are very different people with very different communication styles. Opposites attract, right? Those differences often lead to misunderstandings which during stressful times (with three kids, stressful times are plentiful) often leads to big fights.

However, while we do have different personality types, we have the same core values. That's very important. We also have the same level of commitment to our family. We have struggled through some serious financial troubles and fought our way out of it together. There were a few times I thought we would not make it. There were a few times I wasn't even sure I wanted us to make it, but we did and I'm very glad we did. After all these years, I feel very confident we can get through anything.

When you marry at a young age like we did, you grow up together and when you are in a long marriage you go through many phases. We've grown apart and grown back together. We've hated each other and adored each other. We've broken each other's hearts and mended them. Now that we are older, the kids are older, and money has become much less of a problem, we are in a very good place. I'd say overall that we are happy but we're human. Things aren't perfect and they definitely aren't always roses and rainbows. But it's worth the trouble.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

 

[Sarah_Rose]

I just want to tell you, hang in there. It does get better.

I know *exactly* how you feel. I nursed my first to 30 months and my second is 9 months. Breastfeeding is a 100% commitment and it takes a toll on you. You just have to take a breath and get your personal space back sometimes.

Thanks for the empathy! As I said, I do have hope that it will get better as DS gets older (and then the next one will come along... ) and that this is just a short-lived phase in what will be a long, mostly-happy marriage.

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

*shrugs* You're not telling me anything I haven't admitted to. I feel bad, but I honestly just don't have the energy to change it right now. DS was up every 2 hours last night to feed (growth spurt, I suspect) and this evening I just want to veg out on the couch and watch 30 Rock before DS wakes up and we start the whole thing over again. As I said, I suspect it will get better.... I do love my DH and he is still my best friend... but I can't always do it all.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

My dh can definitely get on my nerves sometimes and we have our share of silly arguments but we are best friends and we truly do have a happy marriage. I feel very blessed to have found him.