Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[SAHDad]

All of this is true. I make more than my wife because of my career choice. Had my wife chosen a different career, or had I chosen a different career, she might be the one working today...

Yeah. My wife majored in food science, I majored in history. Hers lead her to a career with a food company, mine prepared me to ask "Would you like fries with that?" Fortunately, I am fairly decent with kids, and have a ridiculous tolerance for the various and sundry noises that come from battery-powered toys.

 

[jamimb]

I love the way you worded this. Perfect!

OP-yes i am offended. You may be asking for support but the way you worded it makes it sound as though it cant be done. It can. It sounds like working is not what you want to do. So, dont if you can make that choice. If you are miserable working, you are not going to be happy at home or work. It can be done. We all have to prioritize. What is important to you may not be to me.

Sorry you were offended but I am having a really hard time seeing why you are being so defensive about my post. I never said anything about anyone else being able to do it "all" just myself. The thing is no one can do it "all" but you can do what's important to you and your family and I feel they are not getting the best of me.

I stand in awe of the women who think they can do it all but for me I know some great things that used to get done and gave me joy just don't get done anymore because there is simply not enough hours in the day. Do I think I'm a terrible wife and mom? No, not by any stretch of the imagination but I do feel that God has blessed me with this wonderful family to nurture and take care of and they are not getting the best of me! My DH and myself do not have as much "intimate" time as before. I used to set down with my girls and do a bible devotion everyday before school but now it seems no matter how early I set my clock there is never enough time. I could probably name a thousand differences of when I was a SAHM and now and I just want to do what's best for us all.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Obviously the biggest one is money. Your current financial situation will change. Your future financial situation will change...

This is not necessarily true. That was why I posted about second incomes. Some families are actually better off financially if the lower wage earner stays home. It depends.

 

[jamimb]

Op here . Maybe I should have included in my original post that because I don't work almost 4 months out of the year and I have no college education I actually make less than 15,000 a year so I don't think we are gonna see financial ruin if I quit we will just not have as comfortable a lifestyle. My Dh's salary pays the bills but not really a lot of extras. Like new school clothes, vacations, going out to eat, etc.

 

[mumom95]

Just trying to get some perspective here. I have been married almost 16 yrs. For the first 4 yrs. I did not work. (we had children right away). Then I started working part-time at a department store. I worked here (only part time) for 5 years. I really liked this job but got tired of having to work so many weekends and holidays so I quit. I still needed to bring in some extra money so for the next 4 years I cleaned my church and several other houses. All that time even though I worked some I still had time to keep my house really nice and cook healthy home cooked meals. 2 years ago I took my 1st full-time job as an assistant teacher. Now as far as jobs go you can't beat this one. I have all major holidays off and of course have the summer off and really like the people I work with.

I guess here is where the problem comes in. For the 1st 6 months I loved it but after that not so much. Im stressed all the time( even though the job itself is not stressful), Im too tired to spend quality time with my hubby and children, my house is a mess and we are eating way too many unhealthy (but fast) meals.I have so much guilt and I really feel like I'm short-changing my family. I really have to wonder how any other woman can work full time and have the time and especially energy to be a good mom and wife and get everything done. I am considering not returning next year but have no idea how we would get by without my paycheck.

Im just feeling so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do. Was just wondering about your opinions on the subject were.

By the way I have a wonderful husband who helps get our girls to activities, does light grocery shopping, he does all the laundry and ironing , pays the bills and balances the checkbook, and will sometimes help clean up in the kitchen but it still is not enough.

I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

There's nothing wrong with you OP I'm sure there have been many people to feel the same way as you.

And everyone else doesn't do it all. Nobody can do it all. Whether you are a working mom, stay at home mom, working dad or stay at home dad, there just aren't enough hours in the day or energy in people to do it all.

Do what is going to make you the happiest (assuming that your dh is also ok with it). You almost sound like you feel guilty about wanting to be a SAHM again. You should never feel guilty about wanting to do what you think is best for your family. If your dh is ok with it, and it's what you want, then go for it.

Life really is to short to spend it being unhappy.

 

[Minnie]

Op here . Maybe I should have included in my original post that because I don't work almost 4 months out of the year and I have no college education I actually make less than 15,000 a year so I don't think we are gonna see financial ruin if I quit we will just not have as comfortable a lifestyle. My Dh's salary pays the bills but not really a lot of extras. Like new school clothes, vacations, going out to eat, etc.

How would your DH feel about having the entire financial burden for the household on his shoulders I ask as in this economy I can't imagine anyone leaving the workforce unless he /she is has a very comfortable emergency padding.

As many have said... setting priorities is the most important part of making this work. For the 8 months out of the year the kids pitch in more; you decide to be okay with the house not being perfect; you decide to be okay with missing a field trip; you decide to be okay with...

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

To the PP who said she found it hard to believe SAHM don't get stressed out, let me assure you we do! (My problem is doing way too much volunteering and I am working on saying "no" but it is very hard for me.) And OP having been one before knows that she still will have those days. But really, OP, it sounds like you need to follow your heart. I agree with the PP who said make saving money a game for you. It totally is for me. I have 3 girls 2 of which are very into clothes and shoes, but we love to find deals together. Just a couple weeks ago we got over $600 worth of name brand clothes for them for $100. They are all set for next fall and are thrilled about their bargains!

My youngest wanted an American Girl. Not something we could swing unless she wanted nothing else for Christmas, so I got her a knock off on clearance after Christmas for her birthday in January. She also wanted a me and my doll dress. I found one on clearance for $18. We went to a formal daddy/daughter dance and people were asking her about her American Girl. She said with a full smile "It's a knock off, and a really good one, don't you think? My mom got her for $15 and our dresses for only $18. My mom is the best at finding deals!" They too enjoy "the game."

 

[nexttrip4us]

i think no matter what I would do I'd feel conflicted. I work part-time, 25 hours/week in an office, so 52 weeks/year (- vacation time), although I can do some of my time from home. I have 4 kids ranging from 5-11 years. We could "live" without my salary, but it affords us some comfort financially and is definitely a back-up plan, heaven forbid should anything happen to my husband's job. I don't see the economy coming back at full force anytime soon, so any guilt I feel about being away from home or not having the "perfect" house or meals, is balanced out by knowing that there are two jobs with two different companies helping to support our family.

I have always wanted to be a SAHM, but I have made peace with the fact that I'm not in order to help secure us financially. I know it is less stress on my DH that we both help support our family and that is a huge worry off of both of us. It does improve the time we do have together because that is something we don't worry about.

i hope you find something that works out for you. I think having that schedule of the school is awesome and still gives you a lot of great time with your kids, but only you can decide what will ultimately work for you.

 

[mumom95]

How would your DH feel about having the entire financial burden for the household on his shoulders I ask as in this economy I can't imagine anyone leaving the workforce unless he /she is has a very comfortable emergency padding.

...

There are many people out there who feel financially stable and have no problem being the sole breadwinner. I only work part time subbing (I was a SAHM for 8 years) and honestly my dh would prefer if I gave that up. When I work it puts more of the home and kid responsibilities on him. He'd gladly give up my income if it meant he could give up driving around a bunch of 8 year old girls in the carpool But I like working part time, so he's just gonna have to suffer through it

I know it's a rough economy and a lot of people have been affected. But there are still a good number of people out there with sold jobs. I realize nothing is 100% guaranteed. But, that's always been the case and always will be the case.

 

[disneyjunkie]

.You are a member of the family, not a servant to it.

 

[SDFgirl]

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I'm a teacher and returning to work in August. I think some people are cut out to work, and some are cut out to be at home. I'm not one of them, at least for the long haul.

I love being home with my girls but I miss working too. I love teaching, I love being busy all day, and I love having a salary!!

I think I'm going to make it work. Our house is never spotless, even now with me staying home. If DH and I take 20 minutes to tidy up after the girls go to bed, we can keep our house picked up during the week, and split more intense cleaning on the weekend. Most meals I cook only take about 30 minutes anyway, I can still get those done after work. And I'm sure I'll rely on the crock pot a lot!!

My mom and dad worked all throughout my childhood. Still they were there, all the time. I never felt deprived. They made it to games, recitals, plays...everything!

OP, life is too short to be miserable. If you and your DH can find a way for you to stay home, go for it! It sounds like your heart already knows what you should do.

 

[jodifla]

Op here . Maybe I should have included in my original post that because I don't work almost 4 months out of the year and I have no college education I actually make less than 15,000 a year so I don't think we are gonna see financial ruin if I quit we will just not have as comfortable a lifestyle. My Dh's salary pays the bills but not really a lot of extras. Like new school clothes, vacations, going out to eat, etc.

I grew up in a household where my mom chose not to work. It put us in a lot of financial harm in the long run. I personally ended up paying for it when my parents got older and ran out of cash to support themselves. And when I was a kid, the bank took money out of MY savings account (allowances, gifts, babysitting money) to cover my parents deficits.

It gets old having to do without constantly when you are a kid. Decent school clothes, going out to eat, vacations....they add an awful lot to life.

 

[MrsPete]

One of the big mags did a study on the financial impact of a second income in the home and they were surprising. I didn't look for a link, but it seems that a second income results in a much lower increase in discretionary income within a home than expected or assumed because of increased expenses. Most people are shocked to find out just how little it helps when they run the numbers (unless both spouses are high earners).

Again, I'd say that you have to consider your own numbers very carefully -- and be sure that you're being truthful with yourself. These figures can go either direction, depending upon your circumstances.

A journalist who's trying to create an example to support one scenerio can easily do so -- include day care costs, make the second income bump the family up in to a higher tax bracket, give the second worker high work expenses (like an expensive commute, lunch out every day, or the need for dry cleaning). Also, a journalist who wants to prove that a second income isn't what it's cracked up to be can ignore the value of the second worker's benefits; pretend that the pension, insurance, etc. aren't really there because they're less visible than the paycheck.

My point, of course, is that you must look at your total picture, your complete circumstances and decide what's best for you. And while a magazine article might be something to get you thinking, it's likely not going to give you a solid answer for your own life.

 

[TangaroaTiki]

Can you find PART-time work? I work 1 day/ week. I love it, I get out of the house, made new friends & go out to lunch with them every week. Best part of all - I work for an orthodontist and my 3 kids get their braces for free That's better than my paycheck!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...My point, of course, is that you must look at your total picture, your complete circumstances and decide what's best for you. And while a magazine article might be something to get you thinking, it's likely not going to give you a solid answer for your own life.

Agree 100%

 

[MrsPete]

Actually, this one did. In its final analysis, assuming the couple stays together, it is a little better than a break even proposition unless both are big earners. Everything changes if the couple divorces or the primary earner dies without sufficient insurance...

1. Assuming the couple stays together is a big assumption these days. That very thing led to significant problems in my family during my teenaged years, and I wouldn't go back to that time in my life for anything.

2. Except in unuusal circumstances, I just don't believe that it's a break-even proposition for most couples. I believe that a journalist can hand-pick a situation to illustrate how it could be a break-even thing, but I don't believe that illustrates reality for most people.

For my husband and me, my job pays much less than his does -- but I have a traditional pension that'll be very valuable to us in our retirement years. Also, having two social security checks will be better than having one. These things alone push us firmly past the break-even point.

3. Regardless of what's average . . . what really matters is what goes on in your own home, and it's up to each one of us to do the numbers and KNOW that we've made the best choices for ourselves -- even if they're not the same as other people's.

 

[MrsPete]

It is a decision that every family has to make. It should be noted, however, that much of the "76 cents on the dollar" statistic has to do with work interruptions and reduced hours, which are often a consequence of being a primary caregiver. If the couple is a working mother and a SAHD, she should not have those interruptions (beyond maternity leave, of course).

(The other factor has a lot to do with career paths, and we could derail the thread and discusss whether societal roles forces these tendencies - that men gravitate toward higher-paying careers, because of the expectation that they will have to provide for a family, and women toward lower-paying ones, because of the expectation that they will not.)

Yes, this is exactly how statistics can be used to lie. I do not doubt that statistic about women earning 76 cents for every dollar that men earn, but too many people just accept that at face value and reach incorrect conclusions:

The work world is unfair to women.
There's no point in a woman really trying in the work world.
A husband can support a family better than a wife can.

The reality is that women earn less than men for a number of valid reasons:

Even today, women flock to traditional female jobs: Teacher, nurse, social worker, secretary -- and those don't pay as well as traditional male jobs: Accountant, Doctor, Engineer. No one makes women choose these jobs, although some of them are more family-friendly than some of the traditional male jobs. If we as individuals have chosen lower-paying jobs, we can't blame society for that. Most of the boundaries that held previous generations of women back career-wise have been erased.

Women do take more time off to take care of their families. A year or two off for the birth of each child. Time off 'til they begin school. A year off when a parent or grandparent is ill. Of course an employer will compensate his best workers, his there-all-the-time workers more highly. This isn't discrimination.

Women tend to change jobs more frequently -- sometimes because their higher-paid husbands get a job in a new place, and they have to give up their job and begin afresh somewhere else.

Other reasons probably exist too, but these things all add up to the average woman earning less than the average man. You should always be suspicious of statistics.

 

[MrsPete]

I grew up in a household where my mom chose not to work. It put us in a lot of financial harm in the long run. I personally ended up paying for it when my parents got older and ran out of cash to support themselves. And when I was a kid, the bank took money out of MY savings account (allowances, gifts, babysitting money) to cover my parents deficits.

It gets old having to do without constantly when you are a kid. Decent school clothes, going out to eat, vacations....they add an awful lot to life.

I could say much the same. My mom chose not to work when I was a kid, and then when my parents divorced it was financially devestating. She had been at home for more than a decade, and in that time computers had completely revolutionized the work world. She had a high school diploma and was willing to work, but her job skills were obsolete. She might've been able to run a cash register or work in a factory, but that was it. She was qualified for nothing.

She was one of the women of the 60s-70s who were caught up in a societal change: She bought into the idea that a marriage (and especially a marriage with children) was forever. No matter what, your man would support you. Maintain your work skills? Why? Other things were much more important. And then she ended up divorced. She didn't see it coming. It wasn't part of her cultural make-up, and it genuinely caught her by surprise. Also, this was pre-Reagan, and it was very easy for a man to simply move out of state and literally never pay child support.

Today women aren't so naive. Or shouldn't be.

 

[emma'smom]

I work full-time, have two kids, a DH....and it's all good! I think it is just all about what each person's priorities are:

Some of mine include:

(1) Financial Security- I make a reasonable living on my own and am building a decent retirement. I have access to health care for my family, life-insurance, and a free college education for both of my children. If something were to happen to DH, we'd have to figure out how to maintain our current lifestyle, but all of the basics would be covered.

(2) Identity- I'm a mom, wife, and daughter. However, I'm also a scholar and a teacher. I have a professional identity that does define me (because I want it to). I like being an "expert" in my field, I like the research/reading/discussion that pushes my brain in new directions. I like the social interaction with my colleagues. I like having a world that is "mine" beyond my family (of course, it's not a "secret world"--they are around campus all the time and their friends are other faculty families).

(3) Housework Isn't Fun For Me- If I had to build my daily routine around housework and cooking, I would go crazy! I just don't like to do those things! I know SAHM do lots of other things, like volunteering and working with their kids and kid's activities, but I do those things already too without being a SAHM. So those elements of either "job description" are gravy for my situation.

(4)Flexible Schedule- I'm thrilled to have found a career that gives me some degree of flexibility in my schedule. I am the girl-scout leader, I'm very active on PTA, I love going to assemblies/recitals, I'm happy to make a meal for a friend in need (but it will pulled from a freezer where I put it when I made it on the week-end). My point is that I think, with careful planning, you can still work and do most of the "mom" things that are important to you. If you can't volunteer in the week due to your schedule, be the Sunday School teacher or the "juice and snack mom" for the saturday soccer league.

What's Not Important to Me:

(1) Spotless House: It just isn't a priority for me. Things are clean.....but the kids toys are strewn about. I just don't see it as a big deal. If it was, I'd make more time for it. The cleaning gets done on the week-ends or when it needs it and DH and I share these chores.

(2) Cooking- I do most meals in 30 minutes or less or use the crock pot. They are pretty healthy, but I do have to limit my cooking to things that I can make more quickly during the week (lots of soups) or make things on the week-end and freeze them. I'm not making a crown roast on a typical Tuesday night. In the summer, we grill most things and have a salad with them.

(3) Ironing- I don't do it! I don't even think my children know where we keep the iron. It comes out for holiday dresses and girl scout patches. Most of my kids clothes don't need ironing or the wrinkles will work themselves out. DH gets his shirts cleaned at the cleaners and I just try to hang my work clothes up and/or pick items that don't wrinkle easily.


My other thought:

Yes, I am away from my kids when I go to committee meetings and occasionally away for a few days when I got to a conference. However, they aren't abandoned. They either with DH or with their grandparents. If I'm away overnight, I call them. DH's job takes him out of town for overnights at least twice a month.

This is just a reality of modern life. I don't think this sends the message that the kids are less loved or neglected in any way, just that life includes trips for work occasionally.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Looking at it purely from a financial perspective:

Let's say that the second earner makes $15k/year (like the OP). The primary earner has a good income. Of that $15k, at least $5k goes to taxes. So, now you are working for $10k.

Now, add on the cost of child care - say you have a great deal and only pay $100/wk. With 2 weeks vacation, that costs another $5k. So, now you are down to working for $5k/yr.

Well, you have the additional fuel costs and food costs because both earners are traveling and eating at work every day. Even if you pack lunches, this cost goes up. If you buy lunch at a deli or fast food joint every day, forget it. Add in additional costs for the entire family to eat out more often because both earners are tired, add additional wear and tear on vehicles leading to increased repair and maintenance expenses. It doesn't take much to turn that $15k income into a financial liability for the family.

This is not some made up scenario. This plays out in millions of homes every day. Too many people think that their second income is essential because they continue to struggle financially even with that income. The reality, if you take a closer look at your expenses, many times the costs incurred as a result of the second job are higher than the income. Many families continue to struggle because of the second job, not in spite of it.

Also, when a family has a person staying at home, that person can spend more time shopping wisely to reduce common expenses. Grocery bills for families with a stay at home parent can be cut in half if that parent plans wisely and uses sales/coupons. In my house, that amounts to over $400/month in savings. That, by itself, is almost enough to justify a parent staying home. Of course, some stay at home parents spend in their boredom, which has the opposite effect.

Net - many families are actually better off financially when the secondary earner quits. If the OP wants to run the numbers for her family, it isn't difficult.