Any other SAHMs with only school age children?

[mumom95]

I don't even know where to begin. All I will say is that if I had a husband who said that my life was a privilege, well, he wouldn't be my husband for very long. That may be the most disrespectful comment I've ever heard come from a husband. We are both very lucky that we can afford to live on one salary. He makes my life easier because I don't have to work and can just deal with the kids and the house, and I make his life easier because he can just concentrate on work and doesn't have to worry about the kids or the house, because he knows I am taking care of things. We are a team. And I can't even imagine having a husband who thinks I should feel privileged to have him supporting me. In our marriage we take care of each other, equally, in different ways maybe, but equally just the same.

 

[mumom95]

Let me try a different angle. What if I went home one day and said - you know what, I hate my job and I found a new one in Minnesota (no disrespect to Minnesota) and we're moving there (from Ohio) next week - regardless of what you say. My wife would still be able to stay home, I would still be working. QUOTE]

This is very different from what Obsessed is say. She is basically saying that she has decided she is going to keep her life the way it has been for the past X (I don't remember how many years she has stayed home) number of years. She isn't causing any major changes to anyone's life, she is just keeping life the way it has been for a while. Your above post causes major changes on other people. They have to get used to a new house, new friends, new area. Of course when you are going to do something that greatly impacts other people's lives, you discuss it with them first. Obsessed basically gave up one career for another (to be a SAHM) and I'm going to guess her husband was OK with that. She's happy with the new job and just wanting to continue it. Is it right for her husband to ask her to change jobs, when he has been ok with the one she has had for a while and she's happy with it? Would you be happy with your wife if you got home one day and she said you need to find a new job that makes more money.

 

[Cruz91]

I don't even know where to begin. All I will say is that if I had a husband who said that my life was a privilege, well, he wouldn't be my husband for very long. That may be the most disrespectful comment I've ever heard come from a husband. We are both very lucky that we can afford to live on one salary. He makes my life easier because I don't have to work and can just deal with the kids and the house, and I make his life easier because he can just concentrate on work and doesn't have to worry about the kids or the house, because he knows I am taking care of things. We are a team. And I can't even imagine having a husband who thinks I should feel privileged to have him supporting me. In our marriage we take care of each other, equally, in different ways maybe, but equally just the same.

I didn't say her life is a privelage, or that she is privelaged that I work outside of the home to make money and financially support the family. I said it IS a privelage that she gets to stay home with the children because, as others have pointed out, many mothers do not have the option (for example, cases where the husband isn't fortunate enough to make enough money to live on one income, cases of a single parent, or cases where the husband is as steadfast in his belief that the wife should work outside the home as Obsessed is in her opinion that it's her right to stay home). So, like it or not, you ARE privelaged because you have the ability to make a choice.

I think everyone is lost in my intentions. Re-read my posts. Nowhere did I say that being a SAHM is easy. In fact, I said it is the hardest job out there. I also said I'm thankful my wife wants to do it. I'm totally pro SAHM's. And more to your point, mumom95, it is about supporting each other. We (my wife and I) are in a partnership and I am absolutely supportive of her in every aspect of what she does. All I ask in return is the respect of being supportive of me, honest with me, and being as appreciative of me for what I do as I am of her for what she does.

 

[LauraAnn630]

What hits a nerve for me....

When people say how lucky I am to be a SAHM. NO, its not luck its a sacrifice that we choose to take for our children!


We could be driving new cars, living in a bigger home...ect...


I have so much work at home I do not see when I would have time to leave and work somewhere else!

If someone was paying me for everything I do, I would make triple (or more) of what my hubby makes.

Staying at home IS A FULL TIME JOB!
I am...

a nanny
housekeeper
cook
personal shopper
accountant
car maintanance person
teacher
guidance councilor
secretary - make all the appts.
taxi driver
scheduler
mailman

Just who is going to do all that while Im off somewhere working for someone else?????????? Pay someone to do it? Ill stay home and manage my own home and family.

Oh yea, When the kids are home from school sick. Whos going to have to call off work?? NOT DH! When the kids are off for a week at Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and long weekends what employer is going to give ME that time off without a problem????
NO ONE!

As far as summer camps! NO WAY! Whos going to pay for that? That would come out of my check. Ill just stay home! Thanks but no thanks!


Thats what I can think of off the top of my head!

I highly respect anyone that does all that and goes out and works a job!!


I dont know any men that do that....lol I know theres some but Ive never met them!!

I cant stand a dirty/cluttered/unorganised house or family life. I work hard at what I do. Im proud of myself!

NOT EXCUSES, this is real life. I have lost 2 jobs to these so called "excuses"

 

[Merriwind]

Haven't read all the replies. I was you until this year, OP. DD9 is going into 4th grade. I logged over 400 volunteer hours at school last year. Plus, I'm our HOA president and started a moms club in our neighborhood.

This year, I'm going to start subbing. The main office secretary at DD's school, where I volunteered a lot last year, said to me one day, "Karen, if you're going to be here all the time, why not get paid for it?" So, I applied for subbing and picked up my employee badge this morning!! I plan to sub about 2 days per week, only at DD's school or the neighborhood elementary. It will be some extra fun money and still leave time for volunteering, house and neighborhood stuff.

I think it will be great fun. Maybe that's an idea for you...

 

[bunny]

I am a working mother. I am very fortuante that my husband values our relationship and our family enough to share in all the household duties. We are a team. But it is still a lot of work. We do everything the last poster listed while maintaining two careers. Our children are in school, so we no longer have little ones but I have always worked. Our children's educations are a priority for us. We send them to private school and are also aggressively saving to pay for their college needs. So we are making sacrifices also. I would love more time to organize my home, scrapbook, volunteer, etc., but we have made it a priority to let our children attend the very best school in our area. For us it is worth it. We are also building a sizeable retirement account and both hope to retire early.

On a side note, I don't understand how SAHM say their income should be $XXX,XXX. All parents are nannies, housekeepers, cooks, personal shoppers, etc.

 

[Whosemom]

OP - and here you were just feeling melancholy about a change in the seasons of your life and hoping to comiserate. You know, it is HUGE or it wouldn't call up debate.

Warning: philosophical ramble ahead.

I bet there isn't another sea-change event that is so common and yet so, hmmm, uh, unritualized (?) I think maybe because 2 and more generations ago, the woman went on with most of what she was doing, it was just quieter. LOL. And then came the generation who struggled to have a choice. Which quickly morphed the other way into it being expected you'd re-enter the full-time workforce. And now we are again struggling to get the pendulam to swing back to choice.

I think part of the struggle with the choice to stay home is what I was bothered with in our man poster's veiw point that I am having trouble defining. I think as close as I can get is this. In large part, our reasons for staying home now are child centered. So if the child is not at home, the mom taking classes and eating bonbons is a real burden on the wage earner.

But previously, and I don't know how we lost this, the reasons for staying home were family centered. Sure, I'll kiss boo-boos and hug little bodies holding hurting hearts, but I'll also run an efficient home, clean and frugal (making those dollars he earns go farther is equivalent to making dollars myself). I can run the errands that become nightmares to get done if we're both at work all day. I can mow and pay bills. I can be available for extended family members.

At home, I can contribute to society as well. I can volunteer at the school to keep costs down and student:adult ratios up. I can volunteer through church or other agencies to improve the lives of others less fortunate than myself. Or just to enrich others lives through scouting or big brothers/sisters or tutoring at the adult literacy program, or...

Of course some of this was going on with the kids at home as well. But this is the stuff that doesn't disappear because your child turned 6 and went to school.

I'm not saying I manage a great house. I am saying that some of my pondering at this stage-change in my life includes the thought that if I REALLY looked at what I do in a day at home the way I would look at it if I were at work, I could do a much better job. And maybe that is my calling right now. (right now, see, because life is about change)

And please don't get in a snit if you are a mom who works full time. I understand that you do these things too. But you have to admit something has to slide somewhere. I actually work full time off and on (freelance math book stuff) and I KNOW what gets slighted here - HOUSEWORK. But my DH, because we are a team, either grabs what needs done or turns a blind eye to my "behindness" if he knows its something I'd just as soon get caught up on later myself.

OK, end of ramble.

 

[mumom95]

So, like it or not, you ARE privelaged because you have the ability to make a choice.

.

My dh and I worked very hard to be able to be in the position to make a choice. We worked hard in college, got good degrees, made good decisions in the person we married, got good jobs, saved money before having kids, didn't overspend, so that we can live on one income. That is not a privilege, that is hard work getting you where you want to be.

 

[kpm76]

Well, I'm certainly no June Cleaver, trust me! DH actually does all of the cooking (horrifying, I know). Obsessed, I'm not sure if you were implying that I was "jealous" of you or if that was just a general comment, but I don't even know you so how could I be jealous? I will tell you though that I am not envious that you and your husband have opinions that differ 85% of the time. DH and I certainly have differing opinions on certain issues, but on the big things we're on the same page.

My DH never tells me what to do nor do I tell him what to do. It's part of the mutual respect we have for our relationship and one another. We're both liberal-minded individuals who do not subscribe to gender stereotypes at all. DH is probably more liberal than I (perhaps it's from his educational experience at Brown U). I went to a more conservative institution...lol. Anyway, I am always surprised when women say "I will not be told what to do by my DH etc." Nobody should be controlled by another person. It's unhealthy and unfair. However, I don't feel the need to be demonstrative about it. I think actions speak louder than words and it's evident that neither myself nor my DH are shrinking violets; we simply work together trying to keep the best interests of the enitre family in mind.

BTW, I agree with Bunny. Public schools are not an option for us so I will be going back to work so we can send DD to the best private school. Education is priceless to us and we will do all we can to make sure our kids get the best available.

 

[mumom95]

On a side note, I don't understand how SAHM say their income should be $XXX,XXX. All parents are nannies, housekeepers, cooks, personal shoppers, etc.

I am a SAHM and I actually agree with this statement. I always joke and say if someone was actually paying me for the housekeeping job I do, I would have been fired a long time ago

I think it is just that most SAHMs want people to remember that they don't just watch the kids all day, they have other things to do also. And because they are home during the day, their houses get much dirtier than people who have an empty house 8 hours a day. Believe me, most SAHMs realize how hard working moms have it, trying to get everything done. I think these kind of numbers come out because they just want to remind people that their life isn't just baby smiles and walks in the park either.

 

[LauraAnn630]

On a side note, I don't understand how SAHM say their income should be $XXX,XXX. All parents are nannies, housekeepers, cooks, personal shoppers, etc.

Its just a way to express how much a good SAHM really does.

I think most people agree a SAHM is the most important and hardest job.

There is no way a working mom can do all I do. There just isnt enough hours in the day. If you are a working mom it is impossible for you to spend as much time as SAHMS does taking care of the house and kids.

Unless you never sleep. I dont think that is possible either.

Again, If you can work outside the home and take care of a house and kids you are AWSOME in my book!!

 

[bunny]

I think most people agree a SAHM is the most important and hardest job.

Actually I think this statement illustrates the point Cruz91 was trying to make. Being a SAHM is not the MOST important job. It is important, but so is putting a roof over your family's head and food on their table. My mom has never worked in her life outside her home. While we all valued her taking care of us and our home, we knew none of that was happening without our father working hard every day. A family is a team.

In fact I would edit the above quote and say "I think most people agree that being a parent is the most important and hardest job."

 

[NVDisMom]

I was going to stay out of this debate but I can't hold my tongue...

Look at it this way. SAHM-If your DH were to be gone tomarrow, for whatever reason, would you be bale to continue on as a SAHM or would you have to go back to work? Dad w/ SAHM-If your wife were to be gone tomarrow, for whatever reason, would your life change?

No matter which parent you are in a home with a SAH parent, you are both privledged. As a SAHM you get to raise your kids, keep your house, and take care of your family. Its a priveledge b/c you couldn't do it without DH working to bring home the bacon. Yes, its a 24/7 job, but its best for your family. You make sacrifices to SAH, financial, business, and personal. Sometimes to the point of lonliness and depression. But imagine if he weren't there supporting you. And support does not only inclyde money. As a DH with a SAHM, you get to concentrate on your career. You get a little bit more personal time than you would w/o her there. You have less worry that something might happen to the kids b/c you know she's there. Its peace of mind. Maybe you would have more stuff if she worked, maybe a bigger house, that new set of golf clubs you've been eyeing. Its a sacrifice, no doubt. But how much more would you sacrifice for the kids if she weren't there? You both are being given the privledge of a lifestyle afforded by having a SAHM. You also are both sacrificing. Thank each other for it, and know that it is your children that are truely priveledged!

 

[mumom95]

I think most people agree a SAHM is the most important and hardest job.

I'm a SAHM and I have to say, I actually disagree with the bolded part of this (just my opinion). My husband is an engineer and he works just as hard as me, if not harder on some days. Is what I'm doing, raising our kids to be good adults (hopefully ) more important that what he does at work, yes, to us it is. But I'm not so sure I would say it is harder. On some days, yes, on others no.

I think the poster who said being a parent is the most important and hardest job is correct, and I would go a step further and say the being a good parent is the most important and hardest job, because there are some parents out there who it is pretty obvious aren't trying to do a good job at it.

 

[Cruz91]

My dh and I worked very hard to be able to be in the position to make a choice. We worked hard in college, got good degrees, made good decisions in the person we married, got good jobs, saved money before having kids, didn't overspend, so that we can live on one income. That is not a privilege, that is hard work getting you where you want to be.

I think I've posted more on this thread than any other thread ever - even one's I've started. However, there are others who work just as hard as you who, through circumstance, don't have the same option. If you want to get into semantics, you can call it something other than privelage. Call it fortunate. You are fortunate that life hasn't given you other circumstances that require you to have to work outside of the home.

Bunny -

That's not exactly what I was driving at, but close. Yes, being a SAH Parent is equally important to being a breadwinner (male of female). Being a SAH Parent is also the hardest job (call it most important or not - it is hard). However, as I said before, being a SAH Parent also yields many benefits that no salary can match. Some say they should / could earn six figures for the jobs they do as a SAH Parent. How much would you pay for being able to be there to see first steps or hear first words? For those with older children, how much would you pay to be able to go back and have more of those special moments - toddler / baby moments - that are gone forever? Being a SAH parent is an awesome thing, albeit it difficult, but the benefits (to the child AND the parent) are, I think, worth more than any financial considerations. For all those who say they could earn all the money for doing the SAH Parent thing - my challenge to you is if I were to pay you those big salaries, would you give up all of those memories and experiences? My guess is no. Maybe I'm wrong. First time for everything

 

[bunny]

Cruz91, I totally agree. If money were no object, I would love to stay at home with my children. I only work for the money. I cherish the time I spend with my children. I don't cherish the time I spend at work.

 

[bunny]

I think this arguement that being a SAH parent is more important than working has really hurt a lot of men in the past especially in terms of divorce and custody. Both parents and jobs are equally important. It is important to raise your children to be good citizens but it is also important to give them a good home and adequate nutrition. I heard on the radio last night that there are 4,000 homeless school age children in the city of Pittsburgh. I feel so sad for those children.

Back to the OP, if you don't want to get a job or can't find one that matches your hours, volunteering is a great thing to do. Volunteer at your children's schools or at your church or even at a homeless shelter. Or start a new hobby. My SIL's sister is a SAHM. She is great at scrapbooking. She started a side business of making scrapbooks for friends. To me that is great. I have gathered all my pictures together to make a scrapbook but never seem to have enough time or creativity to do it.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

First, let me say thank you to the people who defended me. Appreciate it..

Second, I just returned home from having lunch with my husband and of course I brought up this subject. He looked at me like I grew 2 heads....."Why on EARTH are you bringing this subject up NOW? We've got YEARS before we have to worry about it"...I mentioned this board and told him how I was called selfish and disrespectful and unappreciative because I was going to stay at home regardless...

THIS was his answer...."I never thought about it...Yes, I always assumed that you would go back to work, but when you mentioned the summers and vacations, that's something I never thought of...Whatever you wanna do, babe, is fine with me..But, hon, we still have YEARS before we could have had this discussion..."

See? Now this argument was all for nothing. Really wasn't necessary to get all bent out of shape.

As for kpm76, yes, I have a marriage where were differ about 85% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love the fact that we're different, love the fact that my husband brings new ideas to the table instead of "yes, I agree with you". It would be so boring if we HAD the same ideas, same thoughts.. That's how I learn, that's how I've grown and I owe it all to my husband. BECAUSE of our differences, I have learned alot from him and been able to understand a different point of view besides my own.

I DO agree with you kpm76 about the private schooling, though. Our daughter is in a Catholic school and we love it!

 

[toyac]

First, let me say thank you to the people who defended me. Appreciate it..

Second, I just returned home from having lunch with my husband and of course I brought up this subject. He looked at me like I grew 2 heads....."Why on EARTH are you bringing this subject up NOW? We've got YEARS before we have to worry about it"...I mentioned this board and told him how I was called selfish and disrespectful and unappreciative because I was going to stay at home regardless...

THIS was his answer...."I never thought about it...Yes, I always assumed that you would go back to work, but when you mentioned the summers and vacations, that's something I never thought of...Whatever you wanna do, babe, is fine with me..But, hon, we still have YEARS before we could have had this discussion..."

See? Now this argument was all for nothing. Really wasn't necessary to get all bent out of shape.

As for kpm76, yes, I have a marriage where were differ about 85% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love the fact that we're different, love the fact that my husband brings new ideas to the table instead of "yes, I agree with you". It would be so boring if we HAD the same ideas, same thoughts.. That's how I learn, that's how I've grown and I owe it all to my husband. BECAUSE of our differences, I have learned alot from him and been able to understand a different point of view besides my own.

I DO agree with you kpm76 about the private schooling, though. Our daughter is in a Catholic school and we love it!

ObsessedwiththeMouse, glad it worked out EXACTLY as I thought it would. My husband is like yours, and knows there are certain issues in which there is NO negotiation. I am a working mother...AND HATE IT. You and your husband have a good thing going, and don't let anyone attempt to sway you any differently. It is women like you that allow women like me to do what we do. You volunteer for the yearbook committee, oraganize teacher luncheons, and as friends of working moms sometimes help with errands we can't.

I was never brought up to believe that marriage is a partnership--b/c it is not. Someone will always be do more than the other. That is the way life is. As I am the resident breeder, housekeeper, accountant, AND breadwinner, right now the balance is in my favor. Who knows what the balance will be six months or six years from now? I figure when I'm old and he is changing my Depends, the balance will be again in his favor

 

[jodifla]

,
I was never brought up to believe that marriage is a partnership--b/c it is not. Someone will always be do more than the other. That is the way life is. As I am the resident breeder, housekeeper, accountant, AND breadwinner, right now the balance is in my favor. Who knows what the balance will be six months or six years from now? I figure when I'm old and he is changing my Depends, the balance will be again in his favor

Marriage is by definition a partnership. What you are arguing is that it's not 50-50 every minute. ITA.