Any advice please

[fizz13]

Most of you know that me and my husband aren't together any more, and most of the time the children are fine, but my DS5 is having real issues when it comes to going to daddy for the day. hes fine once I've gone but when i try to leave he has to be peeled off me kicking and screaming. We have tried it both ways, that i take the kids or dad comes here and we get the same response. This morning dad came to take the kids and it was the worst yet, you have to force a coat and shoes on or just pick him up and even then he is screaming to get out of the car. I can't take any more of this, it is breaking my heart to see him like this, and i would rather just keep him with me for the day, but then its not fair on their dad, and i get the impression that he wouldn't let me get away with that anyway, and would cause a bigger scene.
i have tried talking to DS about this and to try and explain to me what hes feeling but he just says that he loves me and wants to be with me. I have always been here when the kids come back and have never deserted them, I have had holidays away from the children and there was never a problem, but not since we were separated.
So what do i do? Do I make a stand and say that DS is staying with me or do we persevere and keep going? I don't see this easing off any time soon. On the other hand, DS went for a sleepover with dadddy on Friday night, just him and daddy and he was fine, so maybe time alone is the answer but daddy is very reluctant to give up his free time to do this Hes already told me he won't be having them at all next weekend as his friend is coming to stay that he hasn't seen in ages, he only has them one day a week as it is. Such a caring devoted father that one
help anybody!!

 

[gilld]

How awful for all of you. It sounds as though your marrage break up has made your son afraid that you are going to abandon him too. And i'm not being critical of either you or your ex husband here, just saying how it might look to your son.

Can you not try a few days out with your husband and the children, or are you not on good enough terms for that? Maybe if he saw you all together, he wouldn't be so afraid of what it is that makes you not want to be with your ex.

If that isn't right for you, I think you may need to seek expert advice, as putting your son through this trauma can't be good for him, but he obviously needs to maintain a relationship with his Dad.

Hope you can work it out.

 

[natalielongstaff]

im sorry Claire but i think you must persevere with the crying. i know its hard for you (and your ex must think its horrible as well ) but any contact he has with the children is better than none at all.

keep talking to your ds about the visits and try not too let him see it upsets you.

take care hun x x

 

[emily1982]

As hard as it is i would persevere as he is fine when he gets there, maybe you could give him something of yours to hold onto whilst he is at his dads, like a piece of jewerally for him to hold onto, that way he knows you are always there and that you will see him later. One little boy at school brings the label out of his moms shirt, as he knows it's hers...keep going.

 

[Minniespal]

Can't offer any advice ~ Just wanted to send you a big

 

[alisonbestford]

When my ex and I separated (many years ago now ) the children stayed with their Dad (more sociable working hours etc as I worked nights, as a nurse)

DD (then 7) frequently didn't want to come and stay with me - as Gilld suggests, I think she was afraid that her Dad might disappear too

Neither of us had new partners at that time so I used to spend time with the kids, at their Dad's until things settled down

I'm not sure that this was the 'right thing to do' but our circumstances allowed us to do it and it worked for us at the time

I think I agree with everyone that you should persevere, keep talking and maybe see if there's someone that your DS could talk to who he won't worry about upsetting
(DD, 8, has just finished working with a play worker who has talked to her about her Dad's illness because she was worried about upsetting me
She's found it immensely helpful )

 

[angel659]

Hi Claire

Big hugs to you hun you must be feeling so awful.

I really dont know other than persevere. Otherwise the father and son will lose any connection they once had. Your son may regret it later on in life.

My uncle and his wife split up a few years ago. He had three children and one of them lived with him and wanted to know him. For some reason the other two children blamed him. 5 years or so later my uncle died. Luckily one of the other children made up with him a month before he died, but his daughter never did. They regret not speaking to him for so long. I am not saying this will happen, but once the ball starts rolling not socialising it could jepordise thier relationship in the future.

I hope you manage to sort things out and you ex starts to act more responbily and become more involved. I think this a tough situation and I think its your ex that has to get his backside into gear and try to welcome your son. Does he interact with him when he stays or ignores him. I dont know. I wish you luck and hugs to try and get it sorted. It is a hard situation. Dont blame yourself its not your fault.

 

[carolfoy]

I have been in your situation Claire and i know its breaking your heart, i do feel though that you have to persevere with it as much as its killing you, if you can honestly say that he's happy once he's with his dad on his own away from you then you need to help him build that relationship. I think he's probably a bit scared that you'll not be there when he gets home and you are his complete world so thats understandable.
i know it hurts Hon, but it will get easier, i promise and at least then you can never have it cast against you that you tried to keep them apart.

 

[mark&sue]

Claire

I feel so much for you. However as the others have said you will need to keep on as it is a very important relationship for your son as it is for his father. Many mothers have to put up with this when they drop their children off at school/nursery they scream but I am sure once you are gone they are fine.

Have you asked your ex how long it takes for your DS to calm down after you have gone? Does he do this if anyone else looks after him?

Thoes minutues must seem like a lifetime to you but I am guessing that he is OK after a little while.

Hang on in there Claire we are all thinking of you.


Susan

 

[DreamofDisney]

I too have been where you are now and I can still remember the pain of trying to be calm when you're turning yourself inside out. As Alison and Natalie have already said, you should try to persevere with this - it takes a long time to get into a routine and it is incredibly disruptive when plans change, but believe me it does get easier - My DS(11) and DD(10) now see their dad every other weekend and can't wait to see him, he even drops by sometimes to take them out for a treat - it took a long and painful road for us to get where we are today - You really sound like you are able to see through all the bad stuff and do what's best for your kids, and that's the most important quality in a mum.

Sending you big hugs

 

[Madjock]

Sorry, no words of wisdom from me Claire, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you all, hope it gets better soon

 

[irongirlof12]

Claire, what a terrible thing for all of you. My friends marriage broke up and their kids don't like going to their Dad's either. sounds like seperation anxiety.

Could you try reassuring him and arranging something nice for when he returns, so he understand loud and clear e.g. he will be back at 5, then its pizza for tea and his favorite film. don't know if it will help.

Hope it gets better for all of you soon

 

[UKDEB]

Many mothers have to put up with this when they drop their children off at school/nursery

This is precisely what I was going to say and I think it puts the whole thing into perspective. I'm guessing it's far more upsetting for you than it is for him. Whereas you probably dwell on it, I wouldn't mind betting he's forgotten about it in moments.

 

[saratogagirl]

Claire I have no advice to offer, but big hugs to you

 

[wilma-bride]

Claire, my reply is probably going to sound a bit harsh but I am hoping you will understand why as I, as you know, have been on the other side of the situation. My husband stopped me from seeing my girls when they were younger - one of the reasons he gave was because it upset them too much and they then were unsettled when they went back to him and his partner.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do about your ex and I know that it is hard to remain neutral and not to fall into the trap of bad-mouthing him (expecially in front of the kids) but that is exactly what you must do. I am not saying that you are taking against him but, certainly, your wording when you posed the question - 'Do I make a stand and say that DS is staying with me' suggests that this is what you want - this is not about what you want, it is about what is best for your child and, unless his father is mistreating him, then what is best is for him is to maintain a relationship with his father. What your son is feeling when his father collects him is confusion, stress, panic even - but as long as you continue to prove to him that you will be there when he returns, hopefully this will dissipate.

I really do feel for you - nobody likes to feel that they are responsible for causing pain and upset to their child but, in the long run, it really is what's best. If his father really isn't making any kind of an effort to maintain the relationship with his children, they will see that for themselves as they get older - however, it's important that they do see it for themselves and don't get that from you.

Hope things improve for you all soon - it's not a nice situation at all. However, I think my girls would tell you that they wish now that they had been allowed to continue seeing me all those years ago - and maybe now we wouldn't be just getting to know each other. They have only one parent now - and one they hardly know, to boot - things could have been so much easier if their father had taken the high road and allowed me to continue having contact with my children.

I know you are bigger and better than that, Claire, and that you will do the right thing

 

[mandymouse]

I'm so sorry that I haven't got any advice to give you, but I wanted to send you a big hug

Mandy

 

[CustardTart]

Sorry to read about your horrible situation, Claire. Sending you and hope you can come to terms with the situation soon - I know how vile it feels at the time but it does get better, believe me.

My very best wishes...

 

[cornish pixie]

I can only imagine how you must be feeling Claire
I work in a school and quite often see this. some things that seem to help are
like Emily 1982 said something from Home.
Some of our parents leave things like keys and purses as the children know that they need car keys, front door keys etc it seems that things like this really help.
Whatever you do just know your not alone and you are doing the right thing
Cornish Pixie

 

[fizz13]

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words, they do really help, just to bounce things off other people is always helpful.
Joh, i hear what you are saying but this was not me stopping my son seeing his father, it would have been me following the wishes of my son and it would have meant that man giving a little of himself and spending time here with his son instead of making him go out when he clearly doesn't want to,I do not want to stop them seeing each other, i understand they need two parents, but their dad is going to have to be a little calmer in his methods instead of picking him up and dragging him to a car with Dean screaming,he loses his temper too fast and will start shouting at Dean to MOVE COME ON GET OUT OF THE HOUSE etc... I doubt as a mother you ever treated your girls this way. rant over

I have decided to approach this exactly how I approached nursery school with DS where we had the same problem, a reward chart. Dean will earn a star for everytime he goes with daddy without making a fuss. when he acheives 3 stars he will get a little something ( a bag of sweets or something) and then maybe this will be enough to get a calm pattern going.

I liked the idea of Dean taking something of mine with him but I honestly don't know if it would make him more upset as he would think about me more while he is away and as we have established, once he is gone (about 1/2 hour after) he does settle into the rest of the day.
We have also done a few things together as a family, like a day at Chessington and a couple of meals out, where they there has been no animosity on display and everyone has been happy, but these are quickly forgotten really.

i'll let you know how I get on with my reward chart idea and thanks again.

 

[angel659]

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words, they do really help, just to bounce things off other people is always helpful.
Joh, i hear what you are saying but this was not me stopping my son seeing his father, it would have been me following the wishes of my son and it would have meant that man giving a little of himself and spending time here with his son instead of making him go out when he clearly doesn't want to,I do not want to stop them seeing each other, i understand they need two parents, but their dad is going to have to be a little calmer in his methods instead of picking him up and dragging him to a car with Dean screaming,he loses his temper too fast and will start shouting at Dean to MOVE COME ON GET OUT OF THE HOUSE etc... I doubt as a mother you ever treated your girls this way. rant over

I have decided to approach this exactly how I approached nursery school with DS where we had the same problem, a reward chart. Dean will earn a star for everytime he goes with daddy without making a fuss. when he acheives 3 stars he will get a little something ( a bag of sweets or something) and then maybe this will be enough to get a calm pattern going.

I liked the idea of Dean taking something of mine with him but I honestly don't know if it would make him more upset as he would think about me more while he is away and as we have established, once he is gone (about 1/2 hour after) he does settle into the rest of the day.
We have also done a few things together as a family, like a day at Chessington and a couple of meals out, where they there has been no animosity on display and everyone has been happy, but these are quickly forgotten really.

i'll let you know how I get on with my reward chart idea and thanks again.

Oh bless you Claire. I really feel for you. It does help posting here. I have got so much off my chest when posting here. All your ideas sound fab and I really dont know what to suggest. My words of my uncle were not intended to offend you in case it has. It had no reflection on you hun or your post.

I absoloutly know your not trying to stop them for seeing one another and your trying to help your son. As I said before in my previous post. Dont blame yourself its not your fault. Your doing a wonderful job as a mother and you have your sons best interests at heart.

Keep your chin up were here to support and help you