Another questionable invitation: Am I just old fashioned?

[steph124ny]

I can't begin to top some of these stories. But one incident in my life still makes me cringe---

It was for a baby shower. MIL hosting.

4th child!!! That alone I thought was pretty tacky.

Then I found out we were expected to bring a food item too. Okay, again kind of tacky, but I could handle it.

But then, we couldn't just bring any potluck item. We were given a list of what we dishes we could bring, and they were expensive! Like shrimp!!!


Honestly, I don't know what people are thinking. I'm with the "host what you can afford" crowd. I'd rather be treated to a Costco cake and coffee then to have to spend $50. (bringing food and buying a gift) for a baby shower for someone's 4th baby in 6 years (not a different gender either).

I don't think it's tacky to have a shower for subsequent children. I think every baby deserves to be celebrated. I know some people don't feel that way, though...

My best friend is throwing me a shower for my 4th baby in two weeks. In my defense, My other kids are 14,12, and almost 5. This baby was not expected and we don't have baby stuff anymore!! However....if my friend hadn't insisted on throwing it, I wouldn't have done it. I would have thrown a welcome baby BBQ after her arrival and I would not have expected gifts. I registered at Target and included stuff from 2.00 and up! I really don't want people to feel obligated to bring anything, and my registry was not included on the invitation, so if people want to know, they'll have to ask my friend.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, I'm with you - that's really tacky! I'm not entirely opposed to pot-lucks and things like that, but if you're going to actually host an event you need to provide everything your guests will need. You certainly don't demand money from your guests - that's just awful!

I don't think it's tacky to have a shower for subsequent children. I think every baby deserves to be celebrated. I know some people don't feel that way, though...

My best friend is throwing me a shower for my 4th baby in two weeks. In my defense, My other kids are 14,12, and almost 5. This baby was not expected and we don't have baby stuff anymore!! However....if my friend hadn't insisted on throwing it, I wouldn't have done it. I would have thrown a welcome baby BBQ after her arrival and I would not have expected gifts. I registered at Target and included stuff from 2.00 and up! I really don't want people to feel obligated to bring anything, and my registry was not included on the invitation, so if people want to know, they'll have to ask my friend.

Traditionally, the shower was really intended to be more for the mother than the baby - something to help her prepare to be a mother. So even though I absolutely agree that every baby deserves to be celebrated, I wouldn't throw a shower for anything but the first baby. A "meet the baby" party or "welcome baby" party is a great way to celebrate the baby without throwing a shower. With or without a party or shower, the people who want to give a gift to the mother or baby will do so.

 

[EKW]

You can do anything you want...ask for anything you want. Unfortunately, part of our culture of narcissism is this sense of entitlement.

Doesn't mean that those of us who still have some common sense have to give in to such foolishness.

I'd send my regrets, and if they ask for a reason, tell them the truth.

BTW...I was once held hostage at an event in my honor at which the guests were asked to pay for their own meals. I am still highly embarrassed some 16 years later. At the time I was told to shut up...it was up to the hostess to decide the type of event. I still wish I'd put my foot down and told her to cancel it. I tried everything short of that to get her to not do that. To anyone who knows me who was invited to that shower: I apologize again!!!!

 

[weewuvvdisney]

Lately we have been invited to restaurants to celebrate birthdays. Of course we have to pay our meals. We spent $160.00 on two birthday suppers and for both birthdays we had to bring gifts. Told my dh - no more!!!!

When we have birthday parties, they are always at our house and we supply the food.


I just guess that anything goes these days.......

 

[sk!mom]

I agree with OP- this is not just tacky but plain rude!

My invite story is recent. My BIL is marrying for the 3rd time (2nd time in 3 1/2 yrs) and once again it is an all out wedding. We have only met his bride to be twice- she seems very nice and I truly wish them both the best. However, exactly 8 days before her bridal shower I get my invite. The shower is in Ohio and I live in RI. Clearly they did not expect me to come- but I guess to send a gift. It is to be a Round the clock shower- which I had to look up. Everyone gets a time of day and your gift should reflect its use for that time of day ( like 8am you could get a waffle maker). I actually think this is a cute theme- I guess. Well my time is 9pm. Was I supposed to get this stranger a nightie? I passed.

Around here 9 pm would call for wine glasses or barware

I agree, though, very tacky.

My biggest pet peeve recently seems to be that I keep getting invited to showers for people that I have never met. The latest- An invite yesterday for the son of a coworker of DH's. We do not socialize with the coworker at all and I have never met the son or the bride. In fact, I was puzzled by the invite until DH got home and said, "that must be x's son." He's never met the son either. To me, inviting someone you've never met is a blatant gift request.

 

[sk!mom]

My 15-year old had a negative experience with this just yesterday:

She was invited to a close friend's 16th birthday party, and she was very excited to go. The invitation just said "dinner at X restaurant". That's the most typical type of Sweet 16 around here -- just a casual dinner with friends. It never occured to me for one moment that the girls' parents weren't going to attend or that guests were expected to pay for their own meal. My daughter bought a very nice gift for the girl (nice pair of birthstone earrings), wrapped them nicely, showed up on time. The birthday girl was late, no adults attended, and -- surprise! -- each teen was supposed to pay for her own meal. Thank goodness my daughter had a few dollars in her pocket (we talked about how she'd better be prepared for this to happen again; she shouldn't go out without enough money for a meal). It wasn't really a "party"; rather, it was just people getting together for dinner and being tricked into bringing gifts.

Two FYIs: These kids are all 15-16. The birthday girl's family doesn't seem to be short on money.

When I picked her up, my daughter was a bit miffed about it. She defended her friend saying, "It's not a big deal", but I don't think that's how she really felt. Although I like this friend, I told my daughter that her friend's behavior was rude. She's been to plenty of birthday parties, and she's never needed even a dollar to attend.

I mentioned it to my husband later, and he was aghast. He said -- and I agree -- that he'd be mortified to invite someone to a party and then ask them to pay.

And then I realized that this is going to be a problem next week too: It's birthday season around here, and my daughter's also turning 16 next week. We're doing a very similar Dinner at X restaurant (different place, but also a casual restaurant). We've reserved a room in the back, my husband and I will be there to chaperone (though we've arranged a big table for the girls and a smaller table to the side for us and a few other adults), we're bringing a very nice tiered cake, and we're definitely paying for everything. My daughter also made some pretty nice gift bags for the girls to take home. The last-week-birthday-friend is invited . . . I wonder if she's going to be embarassed. If she is, I can't help that. I would never do anything to bring attention to her last-week party, but since there's large overlap in the guest lists, people are going to notice.

My DD will soon be 14 and I'm seeing more of this type of thing. The invitations are very casual- texts or facebook. I always make sure DD takes money since she's never sure if she's being invited to an actual party or just a restaurant get together with friends and there's not a polite way to ask. Most times the bill is covered but I don't want her to be embarrassed if she ends up at one where she's expected to pay.

 

[Cindyrellablue]

I agree with OP- this is not just tacky but plain rude!

My invite story is recent. My BIL is marrying for the 3rd time (2nd time in 3 1/2 yrs) and once again it is an all out wedding. We have only met his bride to be twice- she seems very nice and I truly wish them both the best. However, exactly 8 days before her bridal shower I get my invite. The shower is in Ohio and I live in RI. Clearly they did not expect me to come- but I guess to send a gift. It is to be a Round the clock shower- which I had to look up. Everyone gets a time of day and your gift should reflect its use for that time of day ( like 8am you could get a waffle maker). I actually think this is a cute theme- I guess. Well my time is 9pm. Was I supposed to get this stranger a nightie? I passed.

The first thing I think of for 9PM is a night snack of ice cream! Bowls and a scoop are the things I'd go for.

Unfortunately, it does sound like they didn't expect you to come, as you live so far away from the bride and the party location.

For my bridal shower, I asked my girls not to invite anyone who lived further than 30 min away that was on the wedding guest list. There were a few who were excluded who lived a further away who felt slighted that they weren't included on the list though.

 

[MrsPete]

My DD will soon be 14 and I'm seeing more of this type of thing. The invitations are very casual- texts or facebook. I always make sure DD takes money since she's never sure if she's being invited to an actual party or just a restaurant get together with friends and there's not a polite way to ask. Most times the bill is covered but I don't want her to be embarrassed if she ends up at one where she's expected to pay.

If it were a matter of "Hey, a bunch of us are going to such-and-such for lunch after exams. Wanna come along?", I wouldn't question that she should bring money . . . but if a birthday is mentioned, it's certainly IMPLIED that it's a party! You're right though -- all we can do is make sure that our own children are prepared and talk to them about rolling with the punches.

 

[scrapbookmommy]

I think it's incredibly tacky! But I have to say I'm not really too surprised. I am planning my DH's 40th birthday this Fall and I plan to supply all the food and I do not expect any gifts. I feel like when you volunteer to host a party it is your responsibility to provide everything. If a guest just really wants to bring something then fine but I would never ask. I was once asked to make appetizers for a wedding...thing is I don't even like this couple.

 

[dis-happy]

I don't think it's tacky to have a shower for subsequent children. I think every baby deserves to be celebrated. I know some people don't feel that way, though...

My best friend is throwing me a shower for my 4th baby in two weeks. In my defense, My other kids are 14,12, and almost 5. This baby was not expected and we don't have baby stuff anymore!! However....if my friend hadn't insisted on throwing it, I wouldn't have done it. I would have thrown a welcome baby BBQ after her arrival and I would not have expected gifts. I registered at Target and included stuff from 2.00 and up! I really don't want people to feel obligated to bring anything, and my registry was not included on the invitation, so if people want to know, they'll have to ask my friend.

Hey, congratulations! I had my 4th when the next youngest was 7 years old.

My complaint about the shower I went to was the 4th baby in 6 years, the third boy in a row. It did seem kind of tacky...a meet the baby event would have been much more pleasant. Either way, what really bugged me was being assigned expensive food to bring (and the group of us bringing hadn't even volunteered to to do this). Way over the top.

 

[LoriNSC]

I think a lot of requests on invitations these days are just plain tacky or rude.
My MIL is one of the worst. She & my FIL renew their vows every 10 yrs (I kid you not) & the last one she put on the invitation in leiu of gifts we will have a money tree for guests to tye their gift to. How tacky is that? She also did this for my FIL's 50th birthday. To me that says that we don't want what you'll buy but just your money. And with his 50th party everyone was also asked to bring a dish. DH & I both get embarrassed by this kind of behavior from his mom but he won't say anything to her. I mean it's not like they're broke-they just bought a $160,000 cabin in TN to rent on the side & let family use for free. And my MIL goes shopping at expensive stores & goes out of town every weekend. She needs to learn proper ettique & stop asking for money at parties. Just my opinion.

 

[ProudMommyof2]

The first thing I think of for 9PM is a night snack of ice cream! Bowls and a scoop are the things I'd go for.

Unfortunately, it does sound like they didn't expect you to come, as you live so far away from the bride and the party location.

For my bridal shower, I asked my girls not to invite anyone who lived further than 30 min away that was on the wedding guest list. There were a few who were excluded who lived a further away who felt slighted that they weren't included on the list though.

Too funny that my thought was no where near ice cream - I wonder if that means I have a dirty mind or just high hopes for the couple

I will keep the wine glasses( idea from prior post) in mind in the future!

 

[zus888]

Please don't flame me for asking this, because I honestly don't know the answer.

Under what circumstances is it appropriate to throw a potluck party for a celebration (say, a birthday party for an adult)? What kind of invitation would it be? I would assume that if it is potluck, the "gift" would be your dish and the presence of your company.

I didn't grow up in a family that hosted any event, so I don't know the etiquette. Around here, potluck has been the way it is (at least with family). Christmas parties and family gatherings are always potluck - with the host/hostess usually providing the main dish. But, I know a birthday celebration was the same and (as far as I know) no one batted an eye. So, I guess I'm just wondering what the etiquette is.

 

[Austin_Rhea]

I got invited to my cousin's wedding (who is like a sister to me) by a FaceBook invite. I never did get an actual invitation. I got invited to her college graduation by a text message. It is really sad that people are not considerate of others any more when they invite someone to an event. I told her to her face I considered it extremely rude especially since I had to drive 5 hours to get to her wedding.

 

[eliza61]

Please don't flame me for asking this, because I honestly don't know the answer.

Under what circumstances is it appropriate to throw a potluck party for a celebration (say, a birthday party for an adult)? What kind of invitation would it be? I would assume that if it is potluck, the "gift" would be your dish and the presence of your company.

I didn't grow up in a family that hosted any event, so I don't know the etiquette. Around here, potluck has been the way it is (at least with family). Christmas parties and family gatherings are always potluck - with the host/hostess usually providing the main dish. But, I know a birthday celebration was the same and (as far as I know) no one batted an eye. So, I guess I'm just wondering what the etiquette is.

I love pot lucks. I think the thing most people here feel is that upfront disclosures is what's important. I know when my family has potlucks a few of the "wives' are in on the planning so even if it's at my house there are a number of people who help me.

So if your dh is celebrating and you call a few gals to put the pot luck together, the invitation may read " It's Daves big 5-0 and we're planning a big Potluck dinner". Cousin Sheryl is organizing so come, bring a dish and cut the cake with Dave. I suck at invitations but you get my drift.

 

[pommfrites]

DS graduates this year. Can I put you down for $100 towards a book for him? Tacky beyond measure. One of his friends' mothers mentiond us having a 'group party' for DS & 3 of his friends at her house. If we do that we (the moms of the 4) will provide the food & drinks but would NEVER ask others to contribute!

but, did u make sure that each person must bring at least $50 for a money tree for EACH of the guys? Oh, and don't forget enough $$$ or food to feed themselves and 5 others. LOL.....whatever. A party thrown by us means we provide everything and if someone wants to bring a dish or their fave alcohol, they can....this includes family get-togethers.


Oh, and when my 4yo graduates to from pre-K to the big kids' school and kindegraden, can I put everyone on the board down for a gift ? almost forgot, his birthday is that week too, so I expect 2 presents. I'll be posting of a list of his wants. Make sure to get EXACTLY the right one or I'll have to badmouth you later. ROTFLMAO

 

[buckler]

A few years ago we received an "invitation" to a 4th of July party at a neighbor's house. They were charging $10 per adult and $5 per child for the food. We had other plans with family so we didn't attend. It wasn't a neighborhood block party type thing because they had their extended family and other friends there too.

 

[Muushka]

A few years ago we received an "invitation" to a 4th of July party at a neighbor's house. They were charging $10 per adult and $5 per child for the food. We had other plans with family so we didn't attend. It wasn't a neighborhood block party type thing because they had their extended family and other friends there too.

I would prefer to be invited to a potluck. But that is just me.

 

[Austin_Rhea]

Oh and I agree, with many of you. When I have a party, and I use any excuse to have a party , I provide all food and drinks. I usually tell everyone invited what food is provided in case they would like to eat before hand or bring something. I usually only provide non-alcoholic drinks b/c of the expense, but I tell everyone that before hand and I have numerous coolers of ice for their drinks they bring. I always have extra beer and wine in case someone forgets or runs out. Is that tacky or rude, even though I tell them before hand?

 

[marthachick]

but, did u make sure that each person must bring at least $50 for a money tree for EACH of the guys? Oh, and don't forget enough $$$ or food to feed themselves and 5 others. LOL.....whatever. A party thrown by us means we provide everything and if someone wants to bring a dish or their fave alcohol, they can....this includes family get-togethers.


Oh, and when my 4yo graduates to from pre-K to the big kids' school and kindegraden, can I put everyone on the board down for a gift ? almost forgot, his birthday is that week too, so I expect 2 presents. I'll be posting of a list of his wants. Make sure to get EXACTLY the right one or I'll have to badmouth you later. ROTFLMAO

OK, so now I can invite everyone here on the boards to the party. But just in case you can't make the party, I'll just pm everyone my mailing address. Cash is an acceptable gift. Or he is registered at our local luxury automobile dealership!