Another questionable invitation: Am I just old fashioned?

[arminnie]

For those of you that are offending by receiving some shower invitation - remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SEND A GIFT to a shower you do not attend.

If it's an out of town shower for a friend, I am flattered to receive an invitation. I've even been known to surprise the bride by coming (did RSVP to hostess). If it's someone I don't care about local or not I just pretty much ignore it - will RSVP though.

I don't get this obsession with SHOWERS for the bride?????? Many people do entertain the bride and/or groom at a lunch, dinner, party, etc - but these are very much NO GIFT affairs.

A friend's daughter got married last year. I did not attend the one shower she had. Never once thought about sending a gift. The bride really did not want a shower, but her step-mother insisted.

I did host a luncheon for about 40 family members the day before the wedding. It was a lovely affair at a beautiful restaurant. I can brag about how wonderful it was because all I did really was call the restaurant and pay the tab. It was this georgeous affair with perfect flowers, etc.

Not one person brought a gift - they were invited to a luncheon NOT a shower. I only gave a pretty modest wedding gift. But I know the opportunity for the bride to spend time with her mother, future mother in law, aunts, counsins, bridal party, etc was the best gift I could have ever given her.

I did check with the bride about whether she wanted it the weekend of her wedding or at another date. I didn't want to cause her stress on her wedding weekend if she had preferred it on another date.

 

[*Seanaci*]

Ugh.

I really dislike the "anything" goes attitude with parties of any sort now a days...and I'm only 30!

It seems everyone requests something when they throw a party.

I'm with others on here that are saying "If you can't afford the bash, don't have it!"

 

[sasywtch]

I think I'm in the minority here but I don't "get" all these sit down restraunt parties. I think I've been to one and that was a cousin who's family lived beyond their means and had a sit down steak dinner paid for. It was boring. One huge long table, people at one end had to talk to those people, no mingling, no dancing. I don't get the extravagent kids parties. Reminds me of the Dick Van **** show episode where Rob couldn't understand why Laura needed a big party with a pony, they were afraid of rain but the lawn guy fertilized and ruined the outdoor pony party. They ended up having it inside and the kids had a blast with just stuff around the house.

Not raining on anyone and how others like to do but after reading this whole thread, I'm so grateful for my family and friends. We are so laid back. My parents threw a NYE party and provided all, but relatives and friends always brought a snack or something. (dads family is huge and we all still get together and close). 4th of July is at my cousins with her pool, we all just know to bring something. My best friend of 40 years (gawd, I'm THAT old) younger sister just died at 46. She called me to tell me where the memorial way and when and could I bring something as there would be food and drinks. I definitely wasn't offended as I know with all the furloughs, it's a rough time now. My older sister passed 1-1/2 years ago, my BIL had just gotten laid off, not alot of money there so asked people to bring a dish for a get together. We live in a small town with a few little cafes. Two of the cafes showed up for the memorial and brought salads without being asked.

I love the simple life. Reminds me more of the 40's farm days where someone threw a party and you see or read how all the farmer's wives brought a dish.

I don't get the bring money, 3rd wedding type of thing, have a restraunt party you can't afford. We enjoy getting together and it may mean potluck type but that's ok with us. If I'm invited to your house for a party, my first question would be "what would you like me to bring?". It may not be correct but it's enjoyable. It would not faze me one bit to be invited to a family or friend party and asked to bring something as that is how we are but if it's someone distant, not so much. I do not do registries even for my own DIL. We did just have a second baby shower for her (and debate it) but it's a girl this time, (she has a son) so we wanted an excuse to buy girlie things and have cake. The people there were not offended and there for the same reason as us. Get out of the house, an excuse to shop for girlie things and to have some chips/dip, cake, wine. I think after reading all of these posts, I think I have a strange family/friends but it seems so much more relaxing.

Am I offended getting invites for baby showers/bridal showers of people I know but live far away? No. Showers were for helping them set up their new life/baby so gifts I thought were always a given. Being told what to bring/buy is another story. I do like the idea of the round the clock shower though. My luck, I'd get 3 pm or something. The baby shower invites were the evite thing online. I just go with the flow, thought that's the new way to do things. Life's too short. I'm just glad my name was on the list.

I agree with most of the tacky items everyone has mentioned but I also think people such as the original invite are all trying to out do each other instead of just people getting together and having a good time. My 50th party? My kids threw at my house, brought over food, it was just after the 4th of July so we had fireworks left over....while they were all outside lighting off fireworks, my best friend grabbed me, went into my bedroom where she had hidden this double chocolate, fudge, mousse cake and we chowed down in secret (cause it was small and not enough for everyone).

My advice is, if it's someone you know and enjoy their company and if you have the $$, go and enjoy yourself. Think of it as a night out. If it's some friend of a friend that you don't know, don't go. It's not my deal to invite people to a sit down restraunt so I wouldn't have done that in the first place. I would have had cake, wine, ice cream, punch party at home. I expect to buy gifts for immediate family member birthdays and my best friend, Christmas gifts for the same. Bridal/baby shower gifts for family and close friends. I don't buy or go to showers/weddings of those whom I haven't spoken to in years or have never spoken to. I don't buy what is demanded of me and would be offended if told what to buy. I wouldn't have a problem with a money tree if I knew what was going on as we all are so close, we all are aware of financial issues/wants.

sorry this is so long. I've taken 2 days off and not use to being home all day anymore. Got to make 3 dozen cupcakes for a potluck tomarrow at work (Cinco de Mayo ?sp) and figuring out what to make for the memorial on Friday.

 

[Jess6001]

The stories on this thread are so tacky that they're hilarious! I couldn't imagine doing the stuff you all have mentioned to my guests. I love to watch that show on TLC, "Say Yes to the Dress." One time, there was a girl who feel in love with a dress that was double her budget (6K instead of 3K). The salesgirl told her to go for the dress and cut down on other costs in the wedding, suggesting to cut back the guest list or only serve hor d'oeuvres. I'm not critizing anyone for having a small wedding, but to splurge on a 6K wedding dress and only serve your guests (who are bringing you gifts!) hor d'oeuveres is wrong! However, she did buy it and who knows what she eventually did to save money on the rest of the wedding.

Clarification: I know my comment above doesn't concern a tacky invite. I'm just commenting on how lots of people seem to think it's okay to be "stingy" with their guests yet ask for/expect nice gifts in return.

 

[arminnie]

I think I'm in the minority here but I don't "get" all these sit down restraunt parties.

Let me help you "get" why someone might use a restaurant.

I don't normally do "sit down restaurant" meals to entertain. My close friends and I either go out and split the bill or take turns hosting with everyone brings a dish. However a "social group' (set of family and friends you want to be with) decides to handle reciprocity is totally up to them to set.

But I have hosted - as I mentioned earlier - a lunch for 40 of the bride's friends, mother, MIL, cousins, etc at a restaurant. I live 500 miles away from where they are now. I knew no one that I could ask to use their home. But I did not spend one penny more than I could afford. At this time of my life it was a very nice restaurant where we had a private room with 5 tables of 8. Everyone mingled for at least an hour before we sat down to eat. If it had been 20 years ago I probably would have had 20 people go to someplace that cost $5 a head.

My cousin, who lived about 2000 miles away from me when her mother died, chose to host a luncheon after the funeral at a restaurant. She lived pretty far away from where her mother's friends and the funeral were (50 miles) - it was just her choice that it was easier on her to do it at a restaurant. Her mother's friends were in their 80s so going to their home was not an option.

Where I live now it is very traditional for people to bring food over after a death in the family. The saying is that you need to keep a spare casserole in the freezer in case somebody dies. No one would ever have to ask for food. It just shows up in huge quantities. When my father died this past December I was in the middle of moving from the house to a condo. No one had my new address and I stayed out of the house. I really didn't want to have to deal with the food so it all ended up at my sister's house.

I never particularly liked sit-down weddings because you were kind of stuck with one table all night long. But now that I am older I do understand why seating is needed. Many of my friends (mother of bride age) have had some pretty serious medical problems. They cannot stand for very long.

I gave so many bridal lunches for my friends years ago (never a shower) that were in my home where I made all the food and cooked all day. But after a certain point in life for some of us that are getting older it is just easier to pay for a meal out rather than expend the time and limited energy on an in-home event.

 

[MrsPete]

The stories on this thread are so tacky that they're hilarious! I couldn't imagine doing the stuff you all have mentioned to my guests. I love to watch that show on TLC, "Say Yes to the Dress." One time, there was a girl who feel in love with a dress that was double her budget (6K instead of 3K). The salesgirl told her to go for the dress and cut down on other costs in the wedding, suggesting to cut back the guest list or only serve hor d'oeuvres. I'm not critizing anyone for having a small wedding, but to splurge on a 6K wedding dress and only serve your guests (who are bringing you gifts!) hor d'oeuveres is wrong! However, she did buy it and who knows what she eventually did to save money on the rest of the wedding.

Clarification: I know my comment above doesn't concern a tacky invite. I'm just commenting on how lots of people seem to think it's okay to be "stingy" with their guests yet ask for/expect nice gifts in return.

I was watching that show last week, and I heard a salesgirl say something very simliar. Like you, I thought it was a horrible suggestion, but then I realized two things:

1. This comment came from a high-end wedding gown salesperson. Of course she's going to say, "Splurge on the dress, and forget the photography or the music." It's her commission.

2. Everyone's priorities aren't the same. I suppose someone who'd go to an expensive boutique where the gown are all in the thousands (and some are as much as $20,000) would think that wearing a designer gown is more important than inviting Great-aunt Sophie or having the nicer flowers. And I'm thinking of a friend who eloped to Las Vegas (second wedding, parents didn't approve of the groom), but she bought a full-fledged, expensive wedding gown. The girl and her fiance were both deeply in debt, didn't own a home, and she complained constantly about her finances -- yet she spent more than $1000 on a dress. She had NO guests, but the dress mattered to her -- probably more than the marriage because that didn't last (guess parents were right?).


Something else I saw on that show the same day: A bride had the store make a fantastic wedding dress for her destination wedding . . . and then she brought it back, wanting it to be cut short for her one-year-later, in-town reception. The person who'd designed/made it for her was MAD -- I mean MAD-MAD-MAD-MAD-MAD that the owner of the dress was going to cut off HER CREATION and make it into something new. That struck me as very conceited on the part of the designer. Once she sold that dress, she had no more say-so in what happened to it. If the bride gave it to Goodwill, what business was it of the store's?

 

[Cruise]

Just happened to us this weekend. DH and I were invited to a birthday "event." This is one of his coworkers that he's fairly friendly with, but we don't really see socially. She decided to have one of these cooking class things where you all cook and then eat your own meal.

The class itself was $40/person and yes, we were expected to pay for it. DH accepted thinking it was at least something he and I would enjoy. And I was ok with that part. But when we arrived (right on time), we were told by the chef that the birthday girl had just called and was running 30 minutes late. As if that weren't awkward enough already, she goes on to inform us that "There isn't any wine here yet" and starts to direct us to a wine store down the street! She hands us the menu, tells us to ask the woman at the store what she recommends to go with it, and scoots us out the door to buy wine for the dinner!

We felt like we had no choice as we really didn't want to just sit there at this woman's house (it was held in her kitchen) waiting for our hostess and since we'd practically been told that wine was expected, but not provided for the $40/person fee.

So we ended up walking down the street to a wine shop and spending another $40 for two bottles of wine. There were 8 "guests" total and of course we were the only ones that had gone to get wine, so everyone got to have some "on us."

We ended up spending $120 for a dinner we had to cook ourselves. Yeah, I was miffed.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't get the bring money, 3rd wedding type of thing, have a restraunt party you can't afford. We enjoy getting together and it may mean potluck type but that's ok with us. If I'm invited to your house for a party, my first question would be "what would you like me to bring?". It may not be correct but it's enjoyable. It would not faze me one bit to be invited to a family or friend party and asked to bring something as that is how we are but if it's someone distant, not so much. I do not do registries even for my own DIL. We did just have a second baby shower for her (and debate it) but it's a girl this time, (she has a son) so we wanted an excuse to buy girlie things and have cake. The people there were not offended and there for the same reason as us. Get out of the house, an excuse to shop for girlie things and to have some chips/dip, cake, wine. I think after reading all of these posts, I think I have a strange family/friends but it seems so much more relaxing.

I think the bolded is the main problem. Some people like big elaborate parties, and some people like throwing events in restaurants or feel they need to use a restaurant for whatever reason. Some people like more laid back, casual get togethers at home. I think the big problem comes in when people want to throw events even though they can't really afford to, and so they end up trying to get their guests to cover part of the cost. That isn't okay etiquette-wise, no matter what kind of parties you like to throw. If you are going to host something then you should throw the kind of party that you can afford. You shouldn't be expecting your guests to pay or to provide the food.

It's different when your group of friends or your family all plan something together as a potluck. If that's what all of you do, then it isn't rude in your group. And often those sorts of get togethers aren't really hosted by one person, anyway. Maybe you are providing the venue for your family Fourth of July or Christmas celebration, but the whole family feels ownership of it and of course they'll all want to bring the foods they traditionally bring every year. Or your book club or group of girl friends gets together occasionally and this month they're using your house. Since that isn't so much your event as it is a group event, the normal rules of hosting don't really apply.

It's definitely not rude to ask what you can bring to a gathering. The only way it would possibly be rude is if you insisted on bringing something that was intended to be consumed during the gathering after the host has told you not to bring anything. If they tell you not to bring something and you still want to, it's more appropriate to bring a gift for the host/hostess to enjoy later.

 

[Jess6001]

I was watching that show last week, and I heard a salesgirl say something very simliar. Like you, I thought it was a horrible suggestion, but then I realized two things:

1. This comment came from a high-end wedding gown salesperson. Of course she's going to say, "Splurge on the dress, and forget the photography or the music." It's her commission.

2. Everyone's priorities aren't the same. I suppose someone who'd go to an expensive boutique where the gown are all in the thousands (and some are as much as $20,000) would think that wearing a designer gown is more important than inviting Great-aunt Sophie or having the nicer flowers. And I'm thinking of a friend who eloped to Las Vegas (second wedding, parents didn't approve of the groom), but she bought a full-fledged, expensive wedding gown. The girl and her fiance were both deeply in debt, didn't own a home, and she complained constantly about her finances -- yet she spent more than $1000 on a dress. She had NO guests, but the dress mattered to her -- probably more than the marriage because that didn't last (guess parents were right?).


Something else I saw on that show the same day: A bride had the store make a fantastic wedding dress for her destination wedding . . . and then she brought it back, wanting it to be cut short for her one-year-later, in-town reception. The person who'd designed/made it for her was MAD -- I mean MAD-MAD-MAD-MAD-MAD that the owner of the dress was going to cut off HER CREATION and make it into something new. That struck me as very conceited on the part of the designer. Once she sold that dress, she had no more say-so in what happened to it. If the bride gave it to Goodwill, what business was it of the store's?

Oh yeah, I totally agree about the salesgirl wanting to push the dress (it is her job!). But the bride was totally going along with it and seemed to think it was okay.

And I agree that some people have different priorities. I don't think it's bad to splurge and cut down on the guest list, it's your choice how many people to invite. But I don't think it's okay to splurge on something you want (dress) and cut back on the parts of the wedding that the guests enjoy (i.e, food!). Even though it's the bride's day, her guests deserve to be happy and should enjoy themselves. So if splurging 6-10K on a dress means that you can't serve a proper dinner to your guests that you've invited to celebrate the day with you and who you will be receiving lots of nice gifts from, I don't think you should get it. That's just my humble opinion!!