Another questionable invitation: Am I just old fashioned?

[palavra]

I like your perspective.

I agree with you two

 

[Sagginit]

totally tacky and rude (and im under 30 so of a younger generation).
heres my story.....

we had a family shower last week, the woman is an inlaw. she decided to do the shower last minute b/c "her friends begged her". my mum asks if there is anything she can do to help since it will be at the house, and by help she meant set up or clean up. they ask her to bring an ice cream cake, the exact flavor and type to order and for x people. she orders it and it costs over $50 but she didnt want to be rude since she offered. less than a week beforehand her mother calls and asks if she can bring the fruitsalad too, that costs $40. since she is unemployed its a lot to ask of her but she just did it. we get there to find out they paid to have the food catered. there are no chips or appetizers, just 4 trays of food and salad. the salad was the only thing i could eat since i have a food allergy. the balloons were provided by the friends and they only put out three bottles of soda with water, no wine or drinks. three bottles for 40 people! we get to dessert to find out one friend brought some cookies and then it was all the food we brought, and then the woman whose shower it was complains she cant taste the flavor filling she wanted and they didnt do a good job. my mum was soooo pissed.

her friends were totally rude, they all sat at the table with the pregnant woman, and the family all had to sit in the other room, they treated us like we were extra, even standing in front of us and sitting in front of us to take pictures of the gifts, and then were like oh who is that when she opened the inlaws gifts. it was like we are the people that paid for this freaking shower! with gifts included the two of us spent over $300, we could have throw a party for that!

 

[Smiling Cheshire Cat]

This seems to be a very unfortunate trend. Friends of ours recently did the same thing. They were having a holiday party. She asked what we were doing on this particular holiday and I said I don't think anything. And she said "great, we want you to come to our party, but we are asking each couple to bring $50 to cover the expenses of the party." Talk about being baited. DH said we should go since I had already said we had no plans but I refused.

I agree, don't fund someone else's party. Send her husband a nice birthday card instead.

 

[Beckypooh1972]

I think the difference btwn this situation and another is "getting together" vs. "hosting". For instance, when mine and DH's families get together, we all bring something. The person whose house it is at is not hosting it per se, merely providing a location for everyone to gather. When a good friend/relative is having a birthday, and someone calls you up to say, "Hey, we're all getting together at X restaurant for Bob's birthday; want to come?" that's really not a hosted event. But if someone sends out invites, sets themselves up as hosting a party, it's not good etiquette to expect your guests to fund it (unless, of course, this is tradition among immediate friends and family, in which case it should only apply with those people, since there is a general understanding in place).

This is my take as well. We host an annual Christmas party and I never ask anyone to bring anything but if someone brings something anyway it's just that much more of a selection of food and I thank them kindly. My parents can no longer host the big family dinners we used to have so now my family does potlucks or pitch ins which are really get togethers for everyone to have a place to gather and eat together. For Easter, we "hosted" at our house because it is the most handicapped accessible for my Mom but I didn't feel obligated to provide everything - we had the ham and a couple of sides and everybody else brought something. Being invited to a birthday or some other clearly stated "party" event is a whole different situation and I think the OP was right to be offended.

 

[Evi]

Personally I think its tacky also. In my family we only do one potluck its called thanksgiving and even then all the women get together on labor day and discuss who wants to take on what. But that's also because my family is huge and thanksgiving is essentially an annual get together of 35+ people and would otherwise entail catering so this is our tradition every year.

As far as an event such as a birthday party or anniversary if its over 20 people I cater pure and simple. If its not within their budget to do so then they should reconsider the guest list or the venue.

 

[Took]

This is my take as well. We host an annual Christmas party and I never ask anyone to bring anything but if someone brings something anyway it's just that much more of a selection of food and I thank them kindly. My parents can no longer host the big family dinners we used to have so now my family does potlucks or pitch ins which are really get togethers for everyone to have a place to gather and eat together. For Easter, we "hosted" at our house because it is the most handicapped accessible for my Mom but I didn't feel obligated to provide everything - we had the ham and a couple of sides and everybody else brought something. Being invited to a birthday or some other clearly stated "party" event is a whole different situation and I think the OP was right to be offended.

I'm with you. When I "host" a party, I provide the food, drinks, etc. Otherwise, I don't have a party. If someone offers to bring something, I always accept since I know they may have food allergies or something and wish to bring something they can eat. But I've never asked anyone to bring anything.

Now when our closest circle of friends decides to have pot luck at someone's house, that's very different and we always divide up the cooking. But, in that case, we know no one is "hosting" (except that the person offering their house will have to clean, lol).

I'm very old-fashioned, like the OP, in that I find many of the new party trends to be disconcerting and down-right rude. I feel grateful that I don't have any stories like these to share.

 

[Yvette Q.O.D.]

I absolutely agree. Last year my step-daughter's sister got married. We don't associate with them, we only see them when there is an event going on with my step-daughter. Last event was her wedding 5 years ago.

Just 3 weeks after my DH & I lost our 16 yr old DD we got an invite to a shower for my step-daughter's sister, 1 month later we got an invite to the wedding. Did we get any recognition that our DD was no longer with us...no.

Money-grubbing! That's what I call it when gifts are mandatory or you invite people you don't associate with to your wedding or party just to get more gifts! I agree with the previous posts. If you can't afford to have a big party then don't have one. Nothing wrong with a small get-together with a few close friends.

This is a sore subject for me.

 

[marthachick]

Just yesterday we received an invitation for a high school graduation party, it had the information for the bank where the student had set up an "education fund". I have a son graduating from high school this year, I would never suggest/ask others to donate to his education.

DS graduates this year. Can I put you down for $100 towards a book for him? Tacky beyond measure. One of his friends' mothers mentiond us having a 'group party' for DS & 3 of his friends at her house. If we do that we (the moms of the 4) will provide the food & drinks but would NEVER ask others to contribute!

 

[roselindsey]

I guess I'm old fashioned,too. I have 3 dgk's and my daughter has great parties for them. She would never ask anyone to bring food or donate money. She doesn"t tell anyone what presents to give the kids unless they ask her for suggestions.

 

[crisi]

You host the party you can afford to host. That may mean you have a cake and punch party ($1 cake mix, $1 frosting, Country Time Lemonade from a mix) or a pizza party (2 liter bottles of generic pop and a phone call to Little Ceasars) or serve a nice homemade dinner, or take your friends out to dinner, or have something catered to your house, or it may mean you host 800 people to a sit down dinner at the Waldorf.

Some of the best parties I've been to have involved cheap beer or wine and pretzels and bad movies on a TV. And some of the worst have involved someone overextending themselves at a fancy restaurant where the food really wasn't even that good.

 

[dis-happy]

I can't begin to top some of these stories. But one incident in my life still makes me cringe---

It was for a baby shower. MIL hosting.

4th child!!! That alone I thought was pretty tacky.

Then I found out we were expected to bring a food item too. Okay, again kind of tacky, but I could handle it.

But then, we couldn't just bring any potluck item. We were given a list of what we dishes we could bring, and they were expensive! Like shrimp!!!


Honestly, I don't know what people are thinking. I'm with the "host what you can afford" crowd. I'd rather be treated to a Costco cake and coffee then to have to spend $50. (bringing food and buying a gift) for a baby shower for someone's 4th baby in 6 years (not a different gender either).

 

[kaytieeldr]

Its just tacky to have an invited guest bring food or donate money.

Just yesterday we received an invitation for a high school graduation party, it had the information for the bank where the student had set up an "education fund". I have a son graduating from high school this year, I would never suggest/ask others to donate to his education.

Forgive my warped sense of humor, but feel free to use this if yours matches mine:

"Dear [Money-grubbing] Parents of High School Graduate:

Thank you very much for the invitation, which we regretfully must decline. In honor of your child's acheivement, we have made a donation to our graduating senior's education fund. Congratulations and best wishes to your child in her/his endeavors in the future.

Sincerely,

southtexasmomanddad [who know what constitutes good manners]

Obviously, the bracketed words are optional

.

 

[MrsPete]

My 15-year old had a negative experience with this just yesterday:

She was invited to a close friend's 16th birthday party, and she was very excited to go. The invitation just said "dinner at X restaurant". That's the most typical type of Sweet 16 around here -- just a casual dinner with friends. It never occured to me for one moment that the girls' parents weren't going to attend or that guests were expected to pay for their own meal. My daughter bought a very nice gift for the girl (nice pair of birthstone earrings), wrapped them nicely, showed up on time. The birthday girl was late, no adults attended, and -- surprise! -- each teen was supposed to pay for her own meal. Thank goodness my daughter had a few dollars in her pocket (we talked about how she'd better be prepared for this to happen again; she shouldn't go out without enough money for a meal). It wasn't really a "party"; rather, it was just people getting together for dinner and being tricked into bringing gifts.

Two FYIs: These kids are all 15-16. The birthday girl's family doesn't seem to be short on money.

When I picked her up, my daughter was a bit miffed about it. She defended her friend saying, "It's not a big deal", but I don't think that's how she really felt. Although I like this friend, I told my daughter that her friend's behavior was rude. She's been to plenty of birthday parties, and she's never needed even a dollar to attend.

I mentioned it to my husband later, and he was aghast. He said -- and I agree -- that he'd be mortified to invite someone to a party and then ask them to pay.

And then I realized that this is going to be a problem next week too: It's birthday season around here, and my daughter's also turning 16 next week. We're doing a very similar Dinner at X restaurant (different place, but also a casual restaurant). We've reserved a room in the back, my husband and I will be there to chaperone (though we've arranged a big table for the girls and a smaller table to the side for us and a few other adults), we're bringing a very nice tiered cake, and we're definitely paying for everything. My daughter also made some pretty nice gift bags for the girls to take home. The last-week-birthday-friend is invited . . . I wonder if she's going to be embarassed. If she is, I can't help that. I would never do anything to bring attention to her last-week party, but since there's large overlap in the guest lists, people are going to notice.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm with the "host what you can afford" crowd. I'd rather be treated to a Costco cake and coffee then to have to spend $50. (bringing food and buying a gift) for a baby shower for someone's 4th baby in 6 years (not a different gender either).

I agree, but people's expectations seem to have increased in past years. When I was a kid, it was very common for people to have a cake-and-punch wedding reception; now just about everyone seems to have a meal. As a kid, I literally never attended a birthday party anywhere except a friend's home; my kids are rarely invited to an at-home party.

People need to realize that regardless of what you want, you have to do what you can afford.

 

[jgates]

My word. This is just like a horror movie that you start to watch & just can't stop. I just can't believe the nerve of some people. I couldn't quit until I read the entire thread!

In reference to the lady who is having a dinner for her husband's 50th - with a larger group you can probably keep price under control as a lot of restaurants will only provide a limited menu of items to order from if you have a certain number of guests. You usually ahve a few menus to pick from in certain price ranges. That will prevent someone from ordering lobster LOL. However, in order to make sure someone that maybe can't afford to come KNOWS so they can come & enjoy I would word it with something like.....

'Coffee/soda/milk & meal will be included at this party. Please come and enjoy with us. Bar is available, but not included with the meal.'

That way someone whose budget might be a bit tight but is a good friend will still be able to come & relax and enjoy themselves.

 

[arminnie]

I think it is incredibly rude and tacky to send out an invitation that comes with strings attached.

But that being said - I think there are ways to split costs that are not offensive.

A good friend celebrated her 60th birthday. She wanted to go sailing in San Francisco Bay. Months ahead of time she let people know about the event in case they wanted to join her. These were real converations with real friends. I was not the least bit offended. That night she hosted a party at her home that more people came to.

But the sailing part was presented as an opportunity to come join in an activity if you wanted to - not as an invitation to a party.

Last year some good friends were having their 50th wedding anniversary. They had lost their son at an early age and had no family to plan a party. So they were not doing anything.

But a group of her friends (about 12 couples) all decided that we wanted to get together with them for dinner. We each paid for our own meals and paid for theirs. We decorated and had old photos of them. It was a great evening. But no one was "invited to a party" - just a bunch of us decided to do it. Big difference.

Also no gifts at any of these events. Just people getting together.

I also think the definition of "pot luck" means just that. You do not assign people things to bring. I've seen a group of 12 women go to a "pot luck" where it was "bring a salad". There was not one duplication of salads - even with no planning.

I think it is a little odd when the registry list is given in a wedding invitation. I don't think it is needed. It is so incredibly easy to go online and find out where they are registered. In the olden days there was usually some informal talk about "where are you registered" when it was usually one place.

I'm probably going to order online and have the gift sent so it's not that hard to either look at the couple's web site or if that's not available just get the registries that most couples use. I had one bride that I did have to check a few sites to find where they had registered - but that took just a few minutes of my time.

 

[Honor]

If I invite you to a party at my house (or whatever venue), then I provide all food, drink, entertainment, decorations, everything. I am the hostess and you are my guests.

If someone in our group talks about getting together and I volunteer up my house for the get together, then we can all pitch in. If I have an informal get together (e.g., let's play cards), most times friends will ask if they can bring something and I will gladly take them up on their offer. But I don't ask.

 

[MrsPete]

But no one was "invited to a party" - just a bunch of us decided to do it. Big difference.

I agree that it's all in the way that it's presented.

For example, last week a bunch of people we know got together as a "goodbye" to a co-worker who was leaving. It was never presented as a party; rather, it was just "We're going to the ballgame, this day, this time, it's a celebration as XXX leaves us." Everyone met there, no one expected anyone to provide tickets or provide food. Gifts were not a part of this celebration.

But, as you said, no one was hosting, it wasn't a party.

 

[ProudMommyof2]

I agree with OP- this is not just tacky but plain rude!

My invite story is recent. My BIL is marrying for the 3rd time (2nd time in 3 1/2 yrs) and once again it is an all out wedding. We have only met his bride to be twice- she seems very nice and I truly wish them both the best. However, exactly 8 days before her bridal shower I get my invite. The shower is in Ohio and I live in RI. Clearly they did not expect me to come- but I guess to send a gift. It is to be a Round the clock shower- which I had to look up. Everyone gets a time of day and your gift should reflect its use for that time of day ( like 8am you could get a waffle maker). I actually think this is a cute theme- I guess. Well my time is 9pm. Was I supposed to get this stranger a nightie? I passed.

 

[tink fan]

I was just invited to a baby shower and on the invite it said in lieu of a card to bring a book. This was in addition to the gift (which was requested not to be clothes or toys).

When my kids were born, some of the best baby gifts I received were the ones not on my registry because they were things that I didn't think of. I think it is kind of irritating to specify so much.