Another question for married folks..

[JoiseyMom]

Based on the other thread and the responses I am curious. One of the posters said that if her DH came to her before he wandered and said he was interested, she would let him see if the grass was greener. Based on that, and on the Oprah sex show that had a segment on Open Marriages,
what would you do, if your spouse came to you, and said:

I love you but I want an open marriage. I may only do it once a year, but I want to be able to go out and have sex with someone else. You can have sex with someone else too. Not a long term affair, just casual sex.

WWYD??

 

[Lisa_M]

I would say, "No." I didn't vote because I wouldn't call the divorce attorney over him asking me that.

 

[helenabear]

There was a guy I dated off and on starting my Junior year of HS. I think it was when he was a sophomore in college he gave me a conditional proposal. He more or less said he knew he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but wanted to make sure he could have his fun for a short while. that in a year he would be ready to settle down with me and only me and we could plan our wedding then. So he wanted me to say yes to marrying him, but to wait.

Guess who I didn't wait for or even consider marrying?

So given that, I wouldn't automatically divorce for him just asking that, but no way would I stand for it to happen in RL.

 

[MushyMushy]

Where's the option for "I can, but he can't"???

 

[Acklander]

What would I do if DH was going to have sex with someone else, just a sex thing and it was casual? To be honest, I wouldn't want to know about it. I'm not saying that to give him some type of permission - but just think that if he strayed or made a mistake or what ever - I'd consider ignorance to be bliss. Now if he fell in love with someone else, that would be different. I'd want to know about it - In that instance I would consider it to be DH moving on with his life, and I'd like to be able to do the same.
I wouldn't be comfortable with an open marriage. Personally, I don't like to be intimate with people I don't have some type of emotional attachment to. I'm not a good candidate for casual sex.

 

[lindakmonty]

I would say NO..but not run to a divorce atty.

My dh's exw wanted an open marriage and he said no. Later, she cheated and they got a divorce.

 

[Hercules10]

This is assuming that both spouses are healthy and capable of doing the deed.

However, if one spouse's equipment is outa whack then a little freebie fun time should be allowed IMHO.

 

[debbi801]

I said maybe, although that is easy for me to do, since I know Dh would never do that.

Seriously though, the maybe would be in the situation where for some medical reason we were no longer able to interact that way but cared too much to want to leave (everything else was perfect except for that). Does that make sense?

 

[NMAmy]

Nope. No way, no how. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want to be single, then be single.

 

[mickeyboat]

I voted "No Way," but I would only consult my divorce attorney if he went ahead and did it after I said "no."

 

[Camicar]

I said no way for any number of reasons.

One of them is the fact that unless the screwing around spouse is just hooking up for one night stands, there is no way to guarantee that casual sex will not turn into an emotional affair that could threaten the original marriage. It is extremely foolish to imagine otherwise. And if my spouse insisted that he could just screw women without thinking twice about it, then he's probably not someone with whom I'd want to trust my heart.

 

[bumbershoot]

Nope. It's not what we agreed upon when we got married, so no.

But I wouldn't immediately call an attorney, b/c there would be more talking first. See if he was really going to do it regardless of what I said.

 

[supercarrie]

I am engaged, not married yet, but I could never see myself allowing that. If you are married, you are married. If my future DH said he was bored of our sex life, there are ways to "spice it up" without sleeping with another woman. And if that is all that will satisfy you, then you can have fun being single.

 

[freckles and boo]

"Honey, I love your lasagna, but I really want to try her spaghetti".

The answer would be No. And if he pushed the issue I would probably ask for everything except his shot glass collection.

 

[Firedog]

but what if you're only getting the lasagna once in a great while, like say major holidays only. Wasn't the lasagna frequency misrepresented up front, and thereby you should be entitled to the occasional spaghetti, or at least a side salad, for the bait and switch?

 

[sha_lyn]

sound like what happened to a friend a few yrs ago. They decided to have an open marriage, because he was interested in exploring some things sexually that she was not interested in doing. The open marriage didn't last long at all, 3-4 months at that. Neither ended up being able to just have a casual relationship outside of the marriage. They both ended up falling in love with other people. She is now remarried and he is engagged.

 

[EthansMom]

Good question. I'm the one who posted that she might consider letting her DH see if the grass really was greener. I think there's a difference between wanting to explore the possibilities with one person to whome you're intensely attracted and a free pass to have sex whenever and with whomever.

In the case that DH wants to explore his attraction with one other person, I'd think a trial separation (no sex with me, different living spaces) without worrying immediately about divorce wouldn't be out-of-the-question. Certainly, I'd ask him to please use a condom and he'd be getting tested for STDs before he's coming back to me, though. Also, I'd expect him to practice a large amount of discretion regarding our kids (no sleepovers with another woman around the kids).

IMO, being around "the other woman" with more regularity would make most men realize that she's really no more attractive (no more pretty or less demanding, or less/more whatever) than the wife/girlfriend at home.

My parents are divorced and remarried. DH's are each on their third marriages. In my opinion, most of these folks would be no worse off if they had worked on their first marriage than they are in their current marriage. I think that may color my thoughts on how creative I might be willing to be in my pursuit of trying to make things work in our marriage.

I wouldn't support my DH having wholesale flings at the drop of a hat. It isn't safe, for one thing. But it also doesn't encourage any level of commitment on anyone's part. And it certainly isn't anything to which I'd want to expose the kids..."Daddy will come home sometime, maybe?" Nah, I'll take a pass.

I have nothing agains flings and casual sex for single people, but don't think they have a place in the lives of married people.

 

[Buckalew11]

"Honey, I love your lasagna, but I really want to try her spaghetti".

The answer would be No. And if he pushed the issue I would probably ask for everything except his shot glass collection.

I love this answer.

No way. And if sex was that infrequent that we'd better be finding out why and doing something about it.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I love this answer.

No way. And if sex was that infrequent that we'd better be finding out why and doing something about it.

Nope, sex with current spouse isn't infrequent, would be a good sex life. The other spouse just wants variety, wants to stay with current spouse, cause they love that spouse.


I do love the responses this thread is getting though. Hmmm..I still think the women are posting and not the men though.

 

[slo]