Another IL vent thread

[Northstar]

Well, we've about had it out on the temperature issue. But let's not lose sight of OP's OTHER issue, which is... what do you do when your (honored, elder) guests take liberties with your home, like just walking up to the thermostat and changing it??? I've got to admit, this would throw me for a loop. Tell me you're cold and ask ME to change it, or ask everybody if it's okay to change it... that's reasonable. But it sounds like the FIL just feels he gets to control the temperature (and probably some other things, too, don't you think?) wherever he goes, without asking.

No wonder OP is getting a little territorial about her thermostat.

 

[binny]

I'm kind of the opinion to pick your battles, and see this as an opportunity to do something nice for your FIL instead of having a power struggle. Yes, it's a week, but a week really isn't that long when you look at the big picture.

Do something nice for him now -- maybe he'll be more apt to do something nice for you later on down the road.

I have to agree. Its only a week. If thats the worst of it then I will gladly trade you inlaw problems

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, we've about had it out on the temperature issue. But let's not lose sight of OP's OTHER issue, which is... what do you do when your (honored, elder) guests take liberties with your home, like just walking up to the thermostat and changing it??? I've got to admit, this would throw me for a loop. Tell me you're cold and ask ME to change it, or ask everybody if it's okay to change it... that's reasonable. But it sounds like the FIL just feels he gets to control the temperature (and probably some other things, too, don't you think?) wherever he goes, without asking.

No wonder OP is getting a little territorial about her thermostat.

I don't know. I just don't get the whole "my house my rules" attitude, so it probably wouldn't bother me. I don't even say that to my kids. If they change the thermostat to make themselves comfortable, then I'm fine with that. They live here too.

 

[sha_lyn]

Well, we've about had it out on the temperature issue. But let's not lose sight of OP's OTHER issue, which is... what do you do when your (honored, elder) guests take liberties with your home, like just walking up to the thermostat and changing it??? I've got to admit, this would throw me for a loop. Tell me you're cold and ask ME to change it, or ask everybody if it's okay to change it... that's reasonable. But it sounds like the FIL just feels he gets to control the temperature (and probably some other things, too, don't you think?) wherever he goes, without asking.

Exactly.... the FIL went as far as to reprogram the thermostat.

When someone comes to my home, I try to accomodate them however I can. Turning up/down the heat is an easy feat. When I go to someone else's home, I try to be a non-demanding guest. Older people have medical needs that should be accomodated if possible. It's a very small sacrifice to make someone happy. Is your FIL demanding and controlling? Probably. But so are you.

So a "younger person's" medical condition doesn't count? I guess some posters here think that the OP can just will her heart condition to not act up due to the heat.




I just don't' get why everyone in the house (including other guests) should be too hot, just to please one person. Why should everyone in the house suffer or dress differently just because the FIL refuses to put on a sweater or cover up while he in the recliner watching TV.
As for those who keep repeating "older people have less fat"....... The OP said he was slightly overweight, and walks a couple of miles every day. The FIL is not an underweightl fragile 80 yr old that is wheelchair bound.

 

[froglady]

It may be time for both parties to back off and look at the whole picture, rather than each of them taking a "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude, which has resulted in this ongoing battle.

You both seem to have legitimate health reasons for having things your way. Instead of playing the "my reasons trump yours/my house, my rules/you need to be a better hostess/guest" game, you need to sit down (or your DH needs to) and talk about the problem you both have with temperatures.

If you start off with "Dad, we have a problem keeping the house at a HEALTHY and comfortable temperature when you visit. I know that your medications make you feel cold all the time, but mine/DW's make her feel hot, and puts her at risk for passing out, or worse. She has already compromised and the temperature has been set at her upper temperature limit for my and the children's comfort. Do you have any suggestions of how we can solve this problem, without making both of you miserable and angry? Constantly adjusting the temperature up and down is not real a solution."

Unless the OP is lying about or exaggerating HER medical condition in order to look like the "good guy" any rational person would accept that the thermostat is not to be touched. The solution may be that you don't visit each other again for more than a couple of hours at a time. You will both have to stay in motels/hotels on all future visits.

But this "I'm right/you're wrong/my way is the only way/ I deserve my comfort more than you do" bickering is not going going to stop until you all stop acting like children and make some hard choices.

 

[ajk912]

Nope, I am definitely not exaggerating my medical conditions. I actually had two grand mal seizures (ended up hospitalized for both!) in 2004, and the last thing I remember before passing out was feeling very, very hot. It could be a coincidence...or maybe not, but since then I keep myself from getting overheated and I have been seizure-free for 3 years! Or maybe those seizures were flukes..or connected to my heart condition, I dunno. The docs don't have any hard core answers. Anyway, when we are out anymore I ALWAYS layer, and I haven't worn a winter jacket in years- I figure I won't get a seizure from being cold! When I take the kids to the pool in the summer I make sure to keep myself cool by taking dips a lot myself, even though I would rather hang out on the sidelines. Anyway, I am going off on a tangent but that could be why I take the thermostat very personally. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I lost my driver's license for 6 months the last time I had a seizure. Not looking for a pity party..but it's FOUR degrees. FIL, PLEASE leave the thermostat alone in my house, I don't want to get in a war over whose problems are worse.. but to re-program the thermostat in my OWN house and show my DH how to program me out "if he needs to" is just wrong.

Unless the OP is lying about or exaggerating HER medical condition in order to look like the "good guy" any rational person would accept that the thermostat is not to be touched. The solution may be that you don't visit each other again for more than a couple of hours at a time. You will both have to stay in motels/hotels on all future visits.

.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Tell me you're cold and ask ME to change it, or ask everybody if it's okay to change it... that's reasonable.

Maybe he DID ask first and got the "my house my rules" speech so he felt he had no choice?

I am amazed at how many people consider 70 to be "hot". How do you survive the summers?

 

[sha_lyn]

ajk912...... I know how I'm "seeing" all this, so I thought I would ask a couple of questions to clarify. If my assumptions are correct, maybe others will soften their stance a bit.

I'm sort of imagining the FIL sitting in the LR, watching what he wants to on TV, or reading the paper for most of the day, not interacting with you, DH or the kids. FIL is spending most of his time in this one room in the house.
The rest of you are spread thoughout the rest of the house. You doing your daily task and interacting with MIL and the kids while they are out of school for most of the week.

If my "picture" is correct, I would go ahead and buy a space heater for the LR
(and move it to the guest BR for FIL in the evening) and program him out of the thermostat. Put extra blankets and/or an electric blanket in the guest room.

I also wonder if you call and invite them every year, or if they just assume that they are to stay with you the week of thanksgiving. I also wonder just how far away they live, and how often they visit you, and you visit them.
Is FIL retired, or does he work?
I also wonder if FIL seems to be there because he wants to visit, or if his attitude seems to be "this is my vacation, while I might be here, I'm doing what I want to do, which is sit around and do nothing"

I would also sit down with FIL as froglady suggested and tell him why you keep it set at 66.

 

[LindaG4458]

Sometimes a host would be inclined to make a guest more comfortable if the guest makes the request in a polite manner. My FIL's request would be, in a loud, obnoxious voice, "Does it have to be this hot in here?" It would be tempting to say "Not really, it should be hotter." and turn the thing up.

Was talking to DH about this today. (His parents were the IL's from hell in an earlier post.) He said that if anyone took it upon himself to program the thermostat in our house that person would find himself at a hotel at his own expense very quickly. He feels that it is overstepping acceptable boundaries, and he cuts much more slack than I do.

By the way, if this is an age thing, I am 59.

 

[sha_lyn]

I am amazed at how many people consider 70 to be "hot". How do you survive the summers?

indoors in the air conditioning, wearing shorts and tank tops

 

[Brizite76]

This may sound mean, but I don't really like my FIL, so I might lower it out of spite every once in a while. Not the whole time he was here, but just once in a while. I know, I am evil, but you never met my FIL

 

[ajk912]

Holy cow, are you a fly on my wall??! LOL! That pretty much is it. Wow, how you painted the picture so clearly without knowing us is a mystery. FIL does pretty much do his own thing- reading the newspaper, watching tv, etc- throughout the day. MIL and I are bustling around with the kids doing whatever. I don't talk to him a whole lot, we don't have a lot in common but DH and him talk for hours. The space heater wouldn't hamper FIL at all because he really only hangs out in three rooms- the kitchen, family room, or his room.

As for the visiting, we live in VA and they live in Ohio. So about 600 miles away. They are retired, so they have more time than we do to visit. My DH has one brother, who travels a lot, so my ILs are alone for the holidays most of the time- so we invite them down to visit us. This is for major holidays mostly- Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc- but they know they are always welcome because my BIL is a bachelor and we are really the only family they have (which is much different than my side of the family!) So there have been weekends they have come down because they missed the kids or whatever. We go visit them once a year or so during DH's vacations. My DH works in a hotel so it's hard for him to get 3 days off in a row- which is pretty much necessarily to make a 600 mile per way trip worthwhile- so normally we just go for vacations.

ajk912...... I know how I'm "seeing" all this, so I thought I would ask a couple of questions to clarify. If my assumptions are correct, maybe others will soften their stance a bit.

I'm sort of imagining the FIL sitting in the LR, watching what he wants to on TV, or reading the paper for most of the day, not interacting with you, DH or the kids. FIL is spending most of his time in this one room in the house.
The rest of you are spread thoughout the rest of the house. You doing your daily task and interacting with MIL and the kids while they are out of school for most of the week.

If my "picture" is correct, I would go ahead and buy a space heater for the LR
(and move it to the guest BR for FIL in the evening) and program him out of the thermostat. Put extra blankets and/or an electric blanket in the guest room.

I also wonder if you call and invite them every year, or if they just assume that they are to stay with you the week of thanksgiving. I also wonder just how far away they live, and how often they visit you, and you visit them.
Is FIL retired, or does he work?
I also wonder if FIL seems to be there because he wants to visit, or if his attitude seems to be "this is my vacation, while I might be here, I'm doing what I want to do, which is sit around and do nothing"

I would also sit down with FIL as froglady suggested and tell him why you keep it set at 66.

 

[TwinsinCA]

indoors in the air conditioning, wearing shorts and tank tops

And what is the AC set at?

 

[ajk912]

I keep my thermostat around 66 year round. For summers, when I am outside especially- I do keep my hair wet (either by swimming or whatever) and that keeps me cool. We spend a lot of time at Busch Gardens in the summer since it is an hour away, and it drives my DH crazy how I go and wet down my hair and ponytail in the bathroom whenever it starts to dry.

Maybe he DID ask first and got the "my house my rules" speech so he felt he had no choice?

I am amazed at how many people consider 70 to be "hot". How do you survive the summers?

 

[sha_lyn]

And what is the AC set at?

70-72 to appease DH, but like I said, I'm wearing thin shorts, tank top and going barefoot to be comfortable. It it were up to me, it would be set at 68, but I would probably be wearing the same thing, especially if I was being active, ie cooking cleaning etc.

In the winter, with the heat set on 67, I'm wearing a light weight T-shirt, thin yoga pants, and my crocs. If we had carpeting I would be barefoot, but the wood floors are pretty cold. In the evening when we are just sitting around watching TV, I'll throw on a pair of sock. If I'm cleaning, I'll throw in a pair of shorts. If I'm cooking I open the back door.

Holy cow, are you a fly on my wall??! LOL! That pretty much is it. Wow, how you painted the picture so clearly without knowing us is a mystery. FIL does pretty much do his own thing- reading the newspaper, watching tv, etc- throughout the day. MIL and I are bustling around with the kids doing whatever. I don't talk to him a whole lot, we don't have a lot in common but DH and him talk for hours. The space heater wouldn't hamper FIL at all because he really only hangs out in three rooms- the kitchen, family room, or his room.

I picked up on the little things you said instead of ignoring them.

 

[sha_lyn]

We spend a lot of time at Busch Gardens in the summer since it is an hour away, and it drives my DH crazy how I go and wet down my hair and ponytail in the bathroom whenever it starts to dry

LOL...... If at a theme park, I'll go get soaked either in the kiddie section, or ride a water ride. My park attire consist of mens swimming trunks and a quick dry sports bra, and a quick dry sleeveless sports top.

I rarely wear makeup in the summer, because I usually have to splash my face with cold water when out running errands.

 

[disneyjunkie]

70-72 to appease DH, but like I said, I'm wearing thin shorts, tank top and going barefoot to be comfortable.

I picked up on the little things you said instead of ignoring them.

I dress the same way year round. We have hard wood floors. I hate to wear socks in the house, so I'm bare foot 99% of the time. I refuse to sit around the house in jeans, sweats, long sleeve shirts...when I can turn up the heat and be comfortable in shorts and a tank top.

I also picked up on the things the OP said about her FIL. In my opinion they don't really matter. I believe our elder family members deserve special treatment. They may make a request that I think is off the wall If it will make them happy, then I'm willing to accommodate them even if it means I'll be uncomfortable.


This past 4th of July we had a huge 85th birthday party in SC for my grandmother. One of her sisters (my great aunt) kept us hoping with some pretty crazy request. Yes, a few us moaned about a few of the request, but we still honored them. We're all glad that we did. She died unexpectly 2 months later.

 

[Disney Doll]

So I guess every single one of you that feel the OP should let him turn the heat up, feels she is entitled to turn the thermostat to 66 when she visits the in-laws right. After all the in-laws should be the perfect host and hostess too, correct? If you disagree, then isn't that rather hypocritical?

I think the in-laws should offer, but knowing they feel the cold, I would decline their offer.

I guess because they are older people, I'd try to be nice to them. Maybe then when I am old, someone will do the same for me.

 

[Disney Doll]

Anyway, I don't think this is going anywhere..so even though I appreciate everyone's input I think I am going to bow out of this thread. Thanks for everyone's responses!

Actually, it did go somewhere...just not where you wanted it to go!

 

[ajk912]

Yeah, who was I kidding to say I was going to leave anyway...I didn't want to go do yardwork anyway!

Actually, it did go somewhere...just not where you wanted it to go!