Another Child when one is Autistic?

[Jotash]

I need some advice. My DH and I want to have another child. I'm nearing the end of the time I feel it would be safe to have another (I'm almost 38). We have one child who is five and has PDD-NOS. As much as I love my son, the thought of having another with the same disorder scares me. He's quite a handful and I don't know if I could handle another emotionally or physically. I know this time I would be more aware of the signs and perhaps be able to seek intervention earlier, but it would break my heart to have another with autism. Seeing as they don't know if it's hereditary or not, should we risk it? (To clarify, if we did have another with autism, I know I would deal with it and love the child, but it almost seems selfish to bring another child into the world with the possibility that it will have this disability.) I would love for my son to have a sibling, but I am so scared. Anyone have similar experiences? Anyone have a child born after one with autism who is "normal"? I am very confused and I promised my husband, who definately wants another one, that I would make my decision by my 38th birthday in February (BTW, we're celebrating that at WDW )

 

[mbb]

Been there...still there, some days...and still don't know...

We have twin boys, age 7, both ASD..and at this point, many tell us that they "wouldn't know the boys are autistic"...

DH -heart and head - says no...it was just too hard, and the "what-ifs" for him are too overwhelming.
Me - head says no, heart just isn't sure.

Our niece is just 17 months old, and DB and DSIL are "beginning the process" of EI and assessment...she's a precious little princess - and just being with her takes DH and I right back to when our boys were her age...same sensory issues, same tantrums, same everything.

And when I talk with DSIL, I think, I just couldn't do that again...but when I'm with them, it all feels so familiar, I know I could...and "this time", we'd be so much more prepared!LOL!

The question is...do we want to do it again...??? ..and maybe the answer to it just isn't in our hands at all.

 

[DisneyPhD]

My response isn't as a parent (I am one, but I don't haver personal experince with autisum in my family) but as a social worker.

I have worked with many families with autistic or special need children. In many (most) cases they are not the only child or the youngest child. In almost every case I have seen that other sibling has a bond to the autistic child in a way no other human has. It has brought a great deal to the quality of life for the autistic child and the sibling. It has been WONDERFUL for the parents. (In many ways, but also wonderful to have a child who's needs are more average and becomes more independent as they mature.)

As a mother I can only fathom what you do day to day with an autistic child. I don't know what the risks are for you.

I know I have seen families that did continue on with children and they are so happy they did. In all these cases (about 40 that I have had experince with) only one of their children had this speical need. The others children did not (not just one sibling, sometimes 4 or more.) In some of my cases one child was also deaf as that is the field I work in also.

As a parent and I can tell you 2 is harder then one, but silbings are wonderful gifts. (and also as a sister). I also had a number of adult cases who were clasified as DD where a sibling has been the only person in this adults life after the parents died.

Also you son is 5 now so he will be spending more of his time in school, so that should be good timing for you to have more time with the baby.


Best of luck what ever you decied.

 

[Rosie]

Hi Jotash

My DS is 11 and is diagnosed as having Asperger Syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. My DD is 9 and is a typically developing child with excellent social skills and no signs of obsessive behaviour.

When my DH and I decided to have child no.2 we didn't know that our DS was autistic - so I really feel your dilema. Each planned pregnancy involves an acknowledgement of certain risks involved. I like to think that I would have chosen to have my DD regardless of the risk of Autism, but I can't be absolutely certain.

It is scary to make the big decisions in life and we never really know if we make all the right ones do we? I know that my DS loves his sister and when someone else hurts him he turns to her for reassurance. Like all siblings they squabble but they also have some really fun times together. Despite wanting to be thought cool by schoolfriends, my DD will play with soft toys with her brother just like she did when they were toddlers.

Sending you and your family

 

[SueM in MN]

My youngest DD is not autistic, but has many special needs. I had difficult pregnancies and before having second DD, we had already decided that we were only going to have 2. Now that my children are adults, I kind of wish we had had one more child. My oldest DD has a wonderful relationship with her disabled sister, but I feel sad that when DH and I are gone, they will be alone and older DD is going to have a lot of responsibility all by herself. If they were younger (and we had thought about it sooner), we would have considered adoption.
It's a hard decision, but I know a lot of people whose child with disabilities is not their youngest or only child.
Pixie dust for whatever your decision turns out to be.

 

[leise]

I feel very lucky in that we realised my first son was autistic while I was pregnant with my second son, so the decision about whether or not to have another one never happened for us, we already had done it!

My second son thankfully does not have ASD, and it really is as if he got into the queue for social skills and communication and took his older brother's share too! For the first 18 months of his life, things were hard, we were going through diagnosis, and my ASD son just ignored his baby brother. But no they are 6 and 4 and they are inseperable. The 4 year old has pushed the 6 year old along in so many areas, they communicate together in a way the rest of us have to work on, they play together really well. I know we have many tough times ahead but right now it feels as if the best thing we ever did for our son was give him his brother.

I have watched countless friends agonise over the same choice as you, and have been at a loss as to what to advise. I am so glad it was a choice I didn't have to make. Some days now I think about having a third and I don't know, but we never planned to have three anyway. I think the idea of adoption is one I would consider, if circumstances allowed us to have a third.

Good luck with your decision, I hope whatever you choose works out for the best!

 

[Jotash]

Thank you to everyone for their responses. I know it's a touchy subject and I appreciate you all understanding.

 

[rjthkids]

I can certainly relate to your dilemma, though my first child is not autistic, I had an extremely difficult pregnancy and she was born at only 24 weeks and weighed 1.1 pounds at birth and was eleven inches long. It was touch and go for the first several months in the NICU, she had *sooooo* many breathing problems. Then her Retinas began scarring and bleeding and even though laser surgery had come a long way and can fix most cases now before total retinal detachment sets in, this was not the case for our little one. When we took her home she was on oxygen, a million monitors, and we knew that she was most likely completely and totally blind.

To say it was a traumatic experience would be the understatement of the century. Thinking of subsequent pregnancies was agonizing because we were told that there would be an elevated risk of another preterm labor and delivery. I asked myself the same question, was it fair to our daughter and any additional children to risk the same outcome? How could I meet everyone's needs?

Honestly, for us, the answer came through much prayer. I realized in one, huge and poignant "light bulb" moment that to say that it wouldn't be "fair" to bring another child into the world who might be disabled was as if I was saying "it is better for you to never have been born that to be born and have a disability." And then I looked at my daughter, full of life, and I ask myself "Would it have been better for her to have never been born than to have the special needs she has?" and my answer was an unequivical no. I can't imagine her ever turning to me and saying "mom, life is too hard, I wish I died in the hospital or was never born." This life is the only one she has and she is happy with it. Being disabled doesn't mean that life has less meaning. And that took a huge weight off my shoulders and I had total peace about the decision. We had my son, who thankfully was born full term, though my pregnancy did have some complications that required bedrest. He is a complete joy and watching the relationship between the two of them has been such a joy to me.

I don't mean this to come across as lecturing or preachy at all. It is such a personal decision and there is nothing wrong at all if you decide that you just don't want to have another child.

ANother option to look into, if you are worried about ASD, is adoption. We decided on adoption for our third child, because we felt God was calling us down that route and had chosen a child that was waiting for us. We are adding another girl to the family who is six months older than my son and we are only a couple of months from bringing her home. We went with a slightly older waiting child, but it is possible to adopt children from the newborn stage on up. It might be an avenue to pursue that could ease your mind about the genetic ADS possibilities and yet still give you the chance to add to your family.

 

[DisneyPhD]

rjthkids,

You are a wonderful parent with an amazing family! Your DD sounds just precious. I think it sounds like a case where as a parent you find your child has a lot to teach you.

Anyway thank you for your post. Here is to you and your family!

 

[PrincessasMommy]

Had to write because I have been there too......

My oldest is not autistic but she does have Albinism and is legally blind. She was in and out of hospitals for the first 2 years of her life and now has special help and equipment for home and school. Her life is challenging at times for both of us. Her condition is genetic and we have a 1 in 4 chance of passing it on to future children.

We decided it best to wait to have more children to accumulate more $ as she does require expensive equipment and if another child had the same problems we would need more money. And we wanted to move to the suburbs so that we would have the opportunity for me to stay at home if she needed in future years.

We waited until Cassandra was 6 to get pregnant and we had a healthy baby girl, she came out so pink and perfect that it scared me. I was so used to the nurses, tubes and monitors I was shocked that they left this tiny baby alone with me! She was such a good baby that I got pregnant again quickly so that I would have 2 close in age, 17 months later our 3rd daughter, again perfectly healthy was born.

Before the 2 little girls, we saw a genetic counselor and discussed our family at length and we decided that if Cassandra was our worst case scenario - we should Thank God! We have her seen at Sick Kids in Toronto; we are so fortunate that despite her problems, we ALWAYS get to walk out WITH her walking next to us - alot of parents aren't so lucky.

It took me a long time to get used to the fact that I might be bringing a legally or totally blind baby with high skin cancer risks into this world, a baby that is physically different that gets taunted and teased at school. But, I love her too much to not have done it; we don't see her differences because to us she is perfect. She is alot of work and it's emotionally draining to deal with kids teasing her, it's sad and upsets us both but together we are strong and she knows that I always have her side and will protect her and together we deal with everything.

There are no guarantees, our 2nd perfectly healthy baby had a febrile seizure at 10 months, they lost her pulse in the ambulance en route to the hospital and she spent 5 days in there with IV's due to E. Coli infection as she was found to have a kidney disorder which requires daily medication and frequent hospital admissions - totally unrelated and not genetic. She too is seen at Sick Kids now - we see 4 specialists for 2 kids in 1 day twice a year for 2 totally different conditions - it's ironic.

Now, let me tell you that all any of us say will not make you worry less while pregnant - I was a basket case everyday while pregnant! I wish you all the best with your decision. Make sure you decide what's best for you - if you know you couldn't possibly handle 2 autistic kids - then don't do it. If you are just scared but know you could/would do it if that's the outcome then you have your answer. I am a type A personality over-acheiver, I never sit, sleep 5 hours a night and am always busy with some cause/kid/activity; I am even thinking of 1 more despite everything. Maybe my 1 in 4 chance will be how my kids turn out?

Good Luck!

 

[JohnnySharp2]

Our only son is Autistic.

He is a perfectly happy/bonny/playful lad but just cannot talk and has learning difficulties.

My wife is 40 and desperate for another child, however, we have doubts about whether we could cope with a secind child, especially as both of us work full time also.

It is difficult, thinking about the future and what will happen to Joshua later on in his life, we are just trying to make sure he enjoys himself whilsthe is young - hence our trips to Florida each year.

We have considered Adoption but at the moment we are not sure - I do understand what you mean though.

 

[mbb]

thanks everyone for sharing your wonderfully poignant, life-giving reflections...

It's so good to know we're "not alone"!

 

[eternaldisneyfan]

I think that you should ponder and pray...Here is my experience. My older brother is perfectly healthy. I have tons of physical problems (Muscular, Orthopedic, Respiratory, GI, nerve). My younger sister was born with the same disease as me (a bit milder). Our relationship is very close b/c we can really relate...Sometimes life is hard, but we always manage. Disabled or healthy, children are gifts

Christamae

 

[mikkiwikki]

I had to share my story in light of your dilema.

My hubby & I were married in 1999 and three months later I conceived my son (wasted no time!) Aidan was born april of 2000..and was an amazingly beautiful baby with long eyelashes, and a cherub like glow. We just moved into our first home when he was around 8 months old, and I thought I was in heaven. Hubby I loved, beautiful home, loved my job...and my gorgeous son.

Little did I know the next shoe was about to drop.

Similar to LEISE (post above) Aidan had just turned two ..and around that time I discovered I was pregnant with Baby #2. Then....at 2 1/2...after persisting that something was not right....we finally had the dreaded diagosis for Aidan.

I remember vividly...very very vividly....being 8 months pregnant....and hearing those words ....'your son is on the autistic spectrum' ....and I just about wanted to jump off a bridge. Clearly - if my 2nd baby was going to have issues, there was no turning back at that point. Needless to say...we watched baby Sandy like a hawk from the moment she was born...until she started talking a mile a minute. She has been my sons best confidant, and social skills advisor. The two even have a language I dont understand, and are very very close.

Its a very difficult decision, but I really am glad we had my daughter. She really has been his very best teacher, in social skills, speech, and the like.
No therapist has done for my son, what she has done. I would say consider carefully...I think the chance of having a second asd child is like 4% (??)...so if your LUCKY you might have a second. (however - given they dont really have the gene identified that is a rough guess at best).

 

[disneydenisel]

I've also been there, done that.

First child was 27 months when we had her evaluated. I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my second and nauseous all the time. The assessment team told us that they would schedule a psychologist to see our daughter and when we asked them what they thought, they said "probably PDD/Autism." We just stood there. I spent the next week scouring the Internet, crying, and throwing up. Had we known 8 weeks earlier, I'm sure that there would have been no way we would have even tried to get pregnant again.

It was a difficult pregnancy only because I was stressed out and driving my daughter to and from speech therapy a lot. Many times, I wished that I wasn't pregnant. Then I felt guilty.

My son was born and seemed fine until 15 months when regression took over and he lost his words, pointing and eye contact. A calm panic set in, and we began all the same therapies with him right away.

We've spent a fortune on both kids' therapy and it has pretty much taken over our lives. The kids are 6 and 3 now and mainstreamed (with aides) and doing better than we could have expected, but we are financially burdened. I often comment on how much easier it would be with one, and how I could devote more time to her therapy and totally focus on her challenges.

But our little guy is a joy and further along than my daughter. I know that some day they will be good friends. We have our "normal" moments when I am glad to have two and I have many moments when I wish I had one or none. My daughter wanted to be a palm tree for Halloween and my son refused to be anything. When I finished her costume the night before trick-or-treating, my son saw it and decided that he wanted to be a palm tree too. So I rushed to make another costume and our two trees had the most perfect Halloween ever.

My advice is to go with what your heart wants. You will be able to handle whatever gets thrown your way! Plus, you already have a ton of experience with one special needs child. Good luck!

 

[ducklite]

Have you thought about adopting?

Only you can make such a life altering decision, but I'm wondering if adoption might be something to consider for a multitude of reasons.

Anne

 

[Katerbug]

My situation is similiar to others who have responded in that I found out my DS has autism after I was already pregnant for my DD. But we always said we would like to have a third child but never did because we were scared of having another child with autism and I was devoting so much time to a 3 yr old with autism and a 1 yr old typical child that I was afraid I would not have enough time to give everyone all of the attention that they needed and deserved. Well my kids are now 9 and 7 and I wish we did have that third child. I suppose we still could but that would mean buying all new baby items as I had given everything away already. I figure if God wants me to have another child, he will give it to me no matter what.
Hopefully everyones advise will give you all of the points that you need to consider and you and your husband can make the decision that is right for you.

 

[roseprincess]

Just responding to the OP, if you are a praying person, you and your dh should pray about the situation of having another child.

In my case, I have 8 and a half year old twins , both are special needs.
My dd was born with a complex congenital heart defect, had 3 open heart surgeries already. My ds(the other twin) was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 22 months old. the PDD-NOS diagnosis didn't bother me so much because I was so focused on dd and her medical needs for the first 3-4 yrs. of life for both of them. I was basically going from one crisis to another the first 3 yrs. of life for dd and I had health problems as well at the time. Thank God, I had Early Intervention started right after both dd and ds had been evaluated for EI.
Speech, OT, and a school social worker came to my home for a good yr. until the twins turned 3. Then they started Early Childhood preschool at age 3. My twins had Speech, OT, and PT during EC. Social worker kept doing home visits with me. She was a very positive person in my life. she told me it was great that my dd was able to get in my son's face and get his attention, or he might be worse then he was with the autism. My ds also had Floortime therapy with autistic specialists thru our school district.
Now, my dd and ds are mainstreamed in 3rd grade. My dd has a teacher's aide with her in class. My ds is in the Gifted program at school and is very verbal!
For me and dh, it was quite crazy when the kids were very small. And we didn't have much emotional support from either of our parents(my kid's grandparents on both sides of the family). They don't seem to want to understand what we went thru and just wasn't there much to help babysit, etc. Even tho both sides of hte family live somewhat close to us.
Yes, we went thru alot, like everyone here, and we survived!!!
If it were not for our church family and people in our school dist., I don't know what we would have done.
And I do know of other families that live in my school dist. that have other younger children besides their autistic or special needs child. I actually know of a family that has 5 kids, one of the children has CP or MD(Muscular Distrophy) and the other child is autistic, plus she has 3 other typical kids! I don't know how they do it, but I know her parents help out quite a bit, since I think her dh travels for work.

If you plan on having more children, I suggest having a good support system of family or friends that can help out whenever you may need help. You just never know what life brings you( in a positive way)!

Best wishes on you and dh's decision!

Rosemarie

 

[AngelicButterfly]

Hi I'm new here. I can understand your dilema completely. I have an 11 year old daugher who had PDD/NOS. She's sort of boarders on Ashberger's as well. It goes to show you everyone is so different. Her behaviour is usually very hyper, defient etc.... I also have 2 more children that are "normal" ( whatever normal is ). What a hard descion is was to have another, I had to wait untill I was absolutely ready, emotionaly and physcially incase the next child had Autisim as well. Thankfully he didn't. Good luck no matter what you choose !

 

[AngelicButterfly]

Hi I'm new here. I can understand your dilema completely. I have an 11 year old daugher who had PDD/NOS. She's sort of boarders on Ashberger's as well. It goes to show you everyone is so different. Her behaviour is usually very hyper, defient etc.... I also have 2 more children that are "normal" ( whatever normal is ). What a hard descion is was to have another, I had to wait untill I was absolutely ready, emotionaly and physcially incase the next child had Autisim as well. Thankfully he didn't. Good luck no matter what you choose ![/