Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[postesf]

Hi Amy! I'm so glad to hear you had a good day!

Those dream dinners sound cool. There is a similar program around here I think. Maybe I'll have to look into it a bit more!!!

Way to go on the TM!!! That is great!

Hope you are able to Curves today!

All the best!
Stacie

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Stacie and Tracy!

Yesterday was a good day, today was also good. I started the day off by picking up the phone and calling one of my dear friends in New York. She moved away in 1999, and I really miss her. My mom actually introduced us and she loved my mom as a friend and really looked up to her. I had been putting off calling her and having to tell her about my mom but decided to day was the day. It ended up being very nice once we got the sad part over, we had a nice two hour chat, So that was good but I missed Curves . So that was a bit of a bummer. So I decided to do Curves tomorrow instead and spent the day getting majorly caught up on bills, paperwork, filing out various forms and junk I had been putting off for months. That felt really good. Then rushed to pick up the house, pick up the kids and then came home and just felt wiped out. I might also add that I was so starved by afternoon since this morning I ate lunch at 9:30 because I was hungry in spite of eating my oatmeal for breakfast. So by the time 4:00 rolled around, I was starved beyond belief (forgot to have my snack earlier) and ended up eating two rather large portions of cheese and crackers. So I felt totally deflated, weigh in is tomorrow!

So I was feeling really peeved and angry with myself for that snack but then decided to take a walk to clear my head. So I thought I'll walk outside, I put on my Ipod, listened to some very nice, but somewhat sad music (in fact this was the music I had played at her funeral) and also froze my hiney off! It was 34 degrees with a windchill of 20 degrees. The wind was blowing I was literally in tears listening to this sad sack music but then looked out over the mountains, the sun was going down and it was so beautiful. It was cloudy and cold here but the sun was shining on this one little sliver of sky. Maybe it was my mom telling me it was fine, no idea but it made feel better. And I got a walk in. I was dressed like Nanook of the North and I have to tell you I cannot wait until spring! I was happy that the walk cleared my head and got me out of my funk. Ended up having a nice evening and didn't eat another contraband thing! I also think I may not listen to that music again, its amazing how certain music can really get to me right now.

Had a sensible dinner of fish but it was probably high in sodium and with my cheese and cracker fiasco, my weigh in may be quite sad, who knows! Good news,I got my five workouts this week! First time in who knows how long. I will Curves tomorrow. Its supposed to snow and I am not in the mood for another arctic walk!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well so much for two day winning streak of good days. Here is my sad recap of today:

Woke up, felt bloated, I drank over 100 oz of water yesterday and could tell it was just sitting inside my system. Got on scale at WW in spite of knowing I was up, yep 2.4 pounds. I am now thanks to last week's gain as well as this weeks, exactly where I started the end of January. Really discouraging. I know exactly what happened. I am hormonal, whether or not this will become pms is to be seen. In my perimenopausal state, I may feel this way only to never have TOM make an appearance. But definitely hormones are in the picutre, my skin is broken out and I am bloated. I also ate the right amount of points but used too many of those points in the form of Girl Scout cookies and cocktails. Again, my age is a factor, I can't eat what I want anymore even in the allotted number of points. I stayed for the meeting only because my friend was with me. In all, it was not a good experience.

I moved on! Came home, cleaned up the house, ate a healthy lunch, drank some water and then left to pick up the kids. I was all set to go to Curves as soon as I brought them home and got them started on homework. No dice, ds comes to the car near tears, very upset. The teacher has been at it again. I am at a loss. I have never seen a more angry, petty, stubborn woman in all my days. How she ended up in a small, Christian school is beyond reason. I put my son at this school to escape bullying from kids only to have the teacher start in. Principal says again and again, its bad, teacher is flawed, angry, in the wrong, she'll handle things but it never gets better. Ds is stressed and its making it worse. The only good thing is that the other kids are really feeling bad for him and keep telling him to hang in there. None of them like her either although nobody is having the problems he is. I think she just hates her job and ds is an easy target. My friend who is a teacher and took a long course on bullying said some kids just attract bullies. Its not their fault, but they have a personality that is passive, very sensitive and that can make kids and yes even adults just want to pick on them even more. Great. I have no idea what to do. There are two and half months left, I can pull him and home school him at this point, I could get hauled in for truancy. I could move him to a district school, maybe even the one he is set to go to next year but not sure that is smart at all. I sat down and wrote a long email to the principal that was pretty darn good if I do say so but didn't send it. Every time I talk or email with her, she's on my side, talks to the teacher, then the teacher takes it out on ds and the principal does nothing. She is stuck, mid year with a lousy teacher and nobody to replace her. Ds has this same teacher all day long for all five subjects. There's no escape. I feel so overwhelmed I don't know what to do. Got the test results back on the behavioral issues, he doens't have OCD, ADD and the doctor says hang in there until next year and that the new school should be better. Thats what I thought about this school. Poor ds, he just has a hard time. He didnt' want to go to church tonight, first time ever in two years he has not wanted to go to youth group. I didnt' push it, I just let him stay home. He's in watching tv right now, I have talked with him for an hour and at this point he seems more calm and relaxed. I am sure tomorrow will be a whole other story. Most mornings he wakes up sick to his stomach and tearful. It really takes all I have to not go down and just get in that teacher's face. I could claw her eyes out with my bare hands. Principal has forbidden us to talk to each other becasue she knows teacher will just make things worse and wants to be the go between. Fine, just do something. May 22 and our departure from that school cannot get here soon enough.

Dh came home stressed, hates his job and had nothing to offer in the way of help with ds situation. That just furthered my feelings of being all alone with this issue. God I miss my mother. Even at the end, I could just call and listen to her voice and imagine what she would say if she was in he right mind and it would make me feel better. Now I dont' even have that.

Meanwhile, while all of this crap is transpiring, my sister calls. I didn't pick up because I was trying to handle ds. Got the message, she has been in a rollover accident somewhere in the middle of nowhere, is okay but is waiting for her son and the tow truck driver to come and get her. She was losing signal. Didn' t say how this happened but she said the car rolled twice. I am sure they'll total it, she is having major finanical problems and no way can afford a new car if she could even qualify. Too bad stepdad just gave my mom's car to his granddaughter. How she'll do the job of a travelling sales rep with no car is beyond me. This is the second accident she's had lately, I really have to wonder if her MS is to blame.

So thats my lovely tale of today. Oh, and I stress ate a Burger King value meal, double cheeseburger with fries and a coke. And I wonder why I am fat. Tomorrow is another day, unless ds' teacher assaults my son it should be a lot better than today. I'll count the points for my meal and hope I can move on to better food choices tomorrow. I have a long ways to go with this inablity to not eat when I am upset. Old habits die hard.

Sorry to be negative, at least I got it off my chest.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Here is food:

Breakfast: Kashi bar: 3
Lunch, Lean Cuisine: 6, extra veggies, 0
Dinner: Double cheeseburger, 12.5, Fries, 8.5, Coke, 4
Total: 34
Flex points used: 4

I now get thiry points according to the new guide. That should make me happy, however being so damn fat that I get 10 more points than someone who is a hundred pounds lighter is a bit of a hollow victory! Oh well, I can live with 4 flex points. But again, this is a bad start to a new week.

 

[toystoryduo]

Girl, I am sending you a great big . I am so sorry for what your DS is going through. I can't believe that the principal is allowing this person to teach. This is a Christian school and the teacher sounds like she is not exhibiting Christ's love towards your son. Sending lots of prayers......

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's work situation and your sister's car situation as well. Was she hurt in the accident?

I hope your Thursday is a good one. Keep on keeping on, Amy!

 

[lovinaz]

I am so sorry to hear about DS's troubles. I sent you some websites on bullying, did you get a chance to check them out?? It hurts to see your kids suffer, but I think you are right by just having him tough it out until the end of the year. Can you go over the principal? She has to report to someone. The fact that she is not doing anything and you are PAYING for your kids to go there is unacceptable.

I think you are on your way to stop the emotional eating. I say this because lately you have really been taking notice when you are eating because of stress, etc. And I think that is the first step. The next step you will be able to conciously make the decision NOT to eat because of emotions and you will then be unstoppable!!

Whatever you do, don't give up. You still have a whole week to work off that cheeseburger and fries and I know you can do it! Hormones stink, but there is not much you can do about it, just deal the best you can.

Hang in there!!

 

[traceycooper]

The wind was blowing I was literally in tears listening to this sad sack music but then looked out over the mountains, the sun was going down and it was so beautiful. It was cloudy and cold here but the sun was shining on this one little sliver of sky. Maybe it was my mom telling me it was fine, no idea but it made feel better!

That happened to me too Amy when i lost my grandmother!!!
I was walking through the park feeling pretty low, when i saw these shafts of sunlight coming down through some trees hitting this one spot, it stopped me in my tracks & i sat on a bench looking at it for ages, now every time i see sunlight in trees or coming through clouds i think of her!!

Thankyou for your lovely words of support on my journal

I hope your sister is ok.

Can you ask the principal for a meeting with her & the teacher?
I'm so sorry your DS has to go through all this, i hope it all works out at the new school!
Hang in there Amy

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi sweetie,

Stopping by with a ,some prayers, and some for you today. I hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead.

P.S. Have you decided how you're going to tell your kids about WDW yet? They are going to be so excited!!

 

[MIdanceMom]

Amy,

I am so sorry for what your DS is going through. Doesn't the teacher realize how her attitude can impact his views on school for his entire life? She needs to be fired. Is there a board that goes over the principal's head. I know it is private, but there must be some sort of governing board. to you both.

I am sorry you were up this week. I am too. The flex points are there for you to use. Plus you only used 4 of them. The weight will come off. You ate high sodium foods before WI. Please don't be so hard on yourself,


I miss you,
Beth

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you so much everyone. Things are better. I had a bad day on Wednesday obviously, but just got right back on track yesterday. Amy, I hope you are right and that I am finally making some steps towards conquering emotional eating. That would be a welcome thing!

Sister is okay, she had some bumps and bruises and cuts but she lived which was amazing given the accident. They had to cut her out of the car. She just hit a patch of ice on the shoulder of a two lane, winding moutain road. They have had 98 accidents along that stretch of highway. In fact, a friend of ours rolled her minivan along that stretch several years ago. The mountains can really be dangerous this time of year. No idea what she will do about a new car, I am just saying prayers it all works out for her. I think it will. She said she thinks our mom was in the car looking out for her which woudln't suprise me a bit!

Yesterday a friend of mine encouraged me to go to the rec center. I really enjoyed it. I tried the eliptical, omg, that is hard work! I only did five minutes, I want to start slowly. My heart rate was up to 165, which I think is pretty high. They had a lovely indoor walking track, I really enjoyed that and walked an hour. They also had a class going and my friend and I decided to give that a try next week. I may drop dead of a heart attack but I am going to try it. I had to really pause and think about that I can do this when I saw a young man was running like mad on a treadmill below the walking track. I was really watching him as I circled thinking, man I would kill to be in that shape. After awhile, I realized he was running on an artifical leg. Truly amazing and very inspiring. There were lots of overweight people myself, some really in shape people, and a ton of seniors so I felt like it was a diverse crowd and felt very comfortable there. Didn't do Curves, just wanted to try this instead. This is open from 5:00 to 10:00 every day of the week as opposed to Curves' lousy limited hours. I still intend to go to Curves when I can but don't intend to sweat it when I don't, as long as I keep up doing something.

Food yesterday was great, I took a salad to stepdad's for dinner given his menu of chicken wings and quiche's! Bless his heart, he had set the table, bought the kids cookies from the bakery and just really tried to make the effort to bring back the old days when my mom would have us over. Then he wanted to watch the DVD of pictures the funeral director made for the funeral, he is finally coming to terms with this. He is joining a grief support group Hospice runs and I think that will help. He and I talked for over two hours after Dan took the kids home about things, I think we both came to understand how we are each feeling much better. The power of communication. I really felt so much better.

Food today was good until I made brownies. We are having company tomorrow so of course I had to have four nice big spoonfuls of batter. But I ate healthy the rest of the day and have really been pushing the water. Still feeling very bloated. My scale broke, I somehow stumbled on it breaking it, so now I have no scale to do my little daily weigh and weep ritual on. Maybe that's a good thing!

Tracy: Thanks for the hugs and support, I think we will pick them up at school and just spring it on them that we are going to the airport to head to WDW! I am so excited to do this, I just hope we don't let it slip or they don't somehow find out. I have only told one friend and my brother.

Amy: I need to look back through emails and find those websites, how did I miss that? I think I have ADD, I can't seem to focus on anything!

Tracey: I thought about you when I was walking because I remembered you describing a walk where you felt your grandmother was "there". It was really amazing, I just know it was my mom giving me a hug from heaven!

Beth: I miss you too! You know one of these days you and the rest of my WISH sisters and myself all need to meet in WDW. That would be so cool. Thanks for supporting me, I need to see how things are going with you.

Love you ladies, I fell of the wagon then hauled myself back on probably cause I knew you guys wouldn't let me give up!

Oh and the principal called me today. She wanted to fill me on the latest. Apparently the kids check each other's math assignments (probably because said teacher is too lazy to do this herself) and apparently ds corrected some other kids assignment badly in that he didn't check off some problems that were wrong. If this kid writes as sloppy as ds does, he might have not been able to read it, who knows. I guess teacher saw the error and of course jumped to the immediate conclusion that ds and this kid had a little cheating ring going, flew off the handle and accused both boys of cheating. Principal got involved told her to calm down and then looked through the book. Come to find out ds has been checking this kids work for weeks, first time this happened and another time he had errored in the opposite way, checked stuff wrong that was right. So teacher had to eat her words and shut up. Um, maybe SHE should correct the work and not have the kids do it. Principal is clearly as frustrated as I am and yet either can't or won't do the ultimate which is tell this teacher to back off and find a new attitude. The woman should not be teaching, leave it to my unlucky son to end up in this classroom.

 

[Amy&Dan]

We ended up having dinner out while we ran errands. Sort of a bummer, since I had a Dream Dinner at home to cook. Oh well, that's what tomorrow is for I guess! Went to Del Taco, whipped out my Dottie's notes that I had printed out and put in the glove box and ordered:
Bean and green burrito: 5.5
Two chicken carbon tacos: 3.5 (each)
Total for dinner: 12.5

Food earlier today: 13
Total for the day: 25.5

Came in under (what a miracle, who'd have thought on a Friday night )
I also only ate two servings of veggies, not a good total.

I am having friends over tomorrow, intend to make a healthy dinner. I also have to make my Dream Dinner but can then have that for dinner on Sunday. Just not sure how long it will keep in its uncooked form so I'll go ahead and cook it.

I am also going to the rec center in the morning. I just loaded some new music on my iPod so I am ready to walk! And dd is coming with me, she can swim while I walk. Called the rec center and verified 11 and older can swim alone. It'll be good for her to get active. Invited ds but I am sure he'll be sleeping until 11:00. That kids pretty much eats and sleeps his skinny, pubescent life away! Who knows, maybe binkini clad teen girls will get him out of bed!

I am okay with today inspite of the Del Taco thing. I chose wisely and stayed within points. Can't remember the last time that happened on a Friday!

 

[lovinaz]

WOW, I wish my DS would sleep that much! This morning he was up at 6:30am. Usually he sleeps until 7-7:30am on the weekends, if he slept any later than that, I'd probably check to make sure he was still breathing!

GREAT JOB checking on the Del Taco points!!! I think the rec center is perfect for you! I bet you could easily make a "gym buddy" who has the same goals as you do. Then you can work out together, it seems to be much more motivating when you know someone is counting on you to be there.

Still irate about the whole school thing. Have you checked on who the principal's boss is? You have done all the right things, tried to work it out with the teacher first, then her boss, now I think you are 100% justified to go to the next level.

You are doing AWESOME, I really like how you had a bad moment, but didn't let it turn into a bad DAY. Keep it up!!!!!

 

[Goofydiane]

Amy -

Sorry to hear you had the down day, I'm proud of you for getting right back on track and not letting one day shape the rest of your week. Congratulations! You should also pat yourself on the back for using reference information when you went to Del Taco. It isn't that eating out is not allowed, it is just making good choices when you do eat out and you did. I'm proud of you!

I agree on the CC, just like a gym it is a great place to meet people with at least 1 similar interest - walking and being healthy. I bet you start noticing the same people there and that leads to conversations. I notice the same people at my fitness club all the time and have finally started talking to some of them. Even though you are a member at curves, check out if they have any classes at the CC, and check one of those out one day.

I'm so glad that your sister is ok, albeit with bumps and bruises. From your description it could have been much worse.

I wouldn't worry that much about the weight gain, if you keep going with the water intake, staying within points and exercise, you will see that come off pretty quickly. Water seems to weigh a lot going in, but when it flushes out of the system it takes a lot with it.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

 

[traceycooper]

Thats great news your getting to the rec centre Amy
I think you will enjoy this
I remeber watching someone on the TM & wishing i could run - i decided to 'have a go' doing little bits at a time & gradually increasing my time - started a 3 mins & ended up doing 25 mins
Off course that was before i took my ''break'' over chrismas but trying to get back to that again
Glad you and stepdad had a good chat, it always helps to talk things over
Keep up the great work Amy

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

Glad to hear that you liked the rec center! It sounds like they have a lot of different options for working out.

You did a great job on points Friday night! Keep up the good work!!!!

Hope you have a great week ahead!

 

[pearlieq]

Hi,

I'm just getting caught up. Can I just say I love the way your write and your sense of humor? You've got spunk.

I'm SO sorry to hear about the troubles with DS' teacher. What a rotten apple! I'm so sorry you and he have to put up with that and that the principal isn't any help. It sounds like you've thought the situation through very clearly and have made the choice to grin & bear it.

Can you DS laugh about the situation at all? Is he at the place where he realizes she's a loon and he's just stuck with her due to an unfortunatle circumstance? I wonder if he'll be able to detach from the situation by the time the year is over. From the outside, this whole experience looks like a great life lesson, but I know it's no fun to be in the thick of it.

I'm glad you found a moment of peace with your mom and I think your stepdad's efforts at dinner were very touching. Maybe there's still some good to be had there.

It's great you like the rec center! It's nice to have varied options. I hear you on the eliptical being hard! We have one and every time I mount up I swear I see my life flash before my eyes. I hope you have fun there and maybe find a workout buddy.

I hope it's a great week for you!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi all,

I am so sorry I have been MIA again. I have been busy working out! Seriously, when I do the rec center, it takes a chunk out of my day. I really enjoy it, so far I just do the indoor walking track. Its very nice, I put on my iPod and just walk in circles.... I am the slowest person usually, occasionally some senior citizen who is walking with a cane will be slower than me but I don't really care. Its very no brainer, I just walk and don't have to worry about what route, icy sidewalks, wind and its easy to take a potty break! DD went with me on Sunday, she swam, I could see her below me so that was nice. It was good for her and me. I emailed Curves to see if I can get out of my contract. That just hasn't done much for me, their limited hours and my boredom with the program make it nearly impossible for me to get in there. I really hope they let me out, otherwise I'll be paying $34 a month until August.

Today is the two month anniversary of my mom's death. I woke up feeling blue and just sort of hating my life. I have been walking and thats helped but I also feel so negative about myself lately. My clothes are too tight, I still feel bloated and in spite of taking five, one hour walks this week I don't think I have lost a pound. I bought a new scale, it says I stayed the same. Really discouraging. Other than have four rum and diets on Saturday night, I stayed within points and didn't use but 20 of my 35 flex points. I also didn't use any activity points. I drank my water and really tried to watch the carbs. I even took my own 94% fat free microwave popcorn to the movie on Saturday and also took a curves granola bar to avoid the popcorn and candy trap. 3 points worth of snacks vs. what could have been a total train wreck. I think my age (43) and the perimenopause thing, plus some lingering depression are just making my metabolism slow. I am not giving up however! I just know this will be a long, long haul. Which brings up the other aspect of my negativity. Anger! I have been so mad at myself for allowing myself to get this heavy. I am still down 14 pounds from my all time high, but still have 90 pounds to lose. How did I ever let this happen? I don't even recognize myself half the time. Its sad, even if I lose the weight, my days of really looking young and in shape are probably not coming back, ever! Oh well, better to look "great for her age" than 10 years older than I am.

I am off to WW in an hour. I am sure the scale won't be my best friend but I am just determined not to live by a number. I have done great things this week. I have walked five hours and I feel really proud of that. I just need to not let anything, even a lousy weigh in take that away from me. I just really, really, really need to lose 10 pounds in the next five weeks. Otherwise, I may be wearing the same outfit every day in WDW since the vast majority of my summer clothes are too tight to feel comfy. If something does't give, guess, I'll be out shopping for a few new things before the trip. Not what I want to do!

Thanks so much for your support. Ds is hanging in there with the teacher. Dh went in and talked with the principal, I really like her but given the whole situation and her somewhat passive nature, this problem is ours through the school year. I guess its a Life's Lesson type thing, I just keep telling ds he can do this and he'll be a lot stronger for it. He asked if he could have a mental health day in April, I said "we'll see". Um how bout three mental health days while your dopey parents take you to WDW for a little surprise trip! Thinking about that trip and the look on my kids' faces when we tell them is what keeps me sane right now.

Thanks for reading.

I am thankful for:
My friend who is going to WW and the rec center with me. Its really helping me to stay on track.
That it isn't two months ago. I miss you mom but am so happy you are in a better place.

 

[Amy&Dan]

So I did weigh in yesterday and no change! My first instinct was to walk out of the meeting straight to Winchell's (located conveniently nearby to WW) but I didn't. I cannot believe how hard I worked and that staying so within points all days but one (and not even using all my flex points that day) couldn't net me a small loss. WW leader said given my new increase in exercise this could go on for four weeks. Wonderful! The good news is that my clothes are now fitting better, I wore jeans tonight I couldn't button two weeks ago. I feel better, its a number and I need to really look at the long haul and big picture. This weight took many, many years to come on. Sadly, its taking about as long to get off!

Went to the rec center today and good news: I got out of my Curves contract! I am so loving the rec center and may do a one year membership in a month or two when I am sure I will keep it up. I love going with my friend, but also feel comfortable going alone. I just walk in circles and listen to all my favorite songs. Unfortuantely, I do have two blisters on my one foot. I got out the Blister Shield I use in WDW and that is helping. I may not walk tomorrow however, they really hurt. This makes me sad, who'd have though walking in circles could be so enjoyable?

Went to Country Buffet tonight. We used to go there every Friday for about a year or more with my mom and stepdad. I think the last time we went was in October. We went to a different one tonight, that helped but I could just hear my mom's voice saying "ooh that looks good" or "hey Dan, if I don't eat all this will you?". She always took too much, he always obliged to clean her plate for her! It just felt sad and empty. We sat at a table for six and that empty seat was really sad. We were all sort of quiet, stepdad remarked it felt sort of weird to go without her. Not sure we'll do that again anytime soon. Although its the one place skinny little ds can be filled up! He loves that place, the kid ate enough for five people. DD meanwhile had about two things and then said she felt sick. I think she was missing her Grammy. Just have to get used to life without her and its not easy. I also ate some fattening things but did stop when I got full. I just arrived too hungry and the feeling of being there without my mom was upsetting. So I overate a bit. Oh well, I still stayed within points today.

I go to Dream Dinners tomorrow and then if my foot feels better, I will walk. Otherwise, I'll hold off until Saturday. I really, really, really want this to work for me. I can no longer stand myself and am so sick of having sore knees, being breathless and not being able to do the things I want to do because of the weight. I see this older lady at the rec center, she can barely walk she is so heavy and out of shape. That could very well be me in 25 years if I don't get a handle on this once and for all.

Ds did a self portrait for art class the teacher is entering into an art show. I was really happy and proud, he needed that!

 

[Caitsmama]

((((Hugs)))) amy!!
I know how you feel --- that's how i was feeling, and what caused me to start to change.. You sound like you have the will to do it -- and you understand it won't happen overnight, but you have us here for you -- and let me tell ya, when i am struggling on those last minutes on the TM, it is all you guys that i think about and it helps pull me thru..
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy,

I hear you about the scale thing. Maybe you can try keeping track of your measurements... I always seem to lose inches before I lose pounds. Don't know why....That's just the way it seems to work for me.

I hope you have a great weekend! Keep up the good work!