Am I wrong?

[Crazy4Disney72]

Oh no I wasnt just head over heals about him instantly that took awhile, but I did take to him immediately. Maybe its because Ive had him so long too, I feel like he is all mine even though i have to share lol. Its just a feeling I dont know. I also know that when he finally gets married and has kids those grandbabies will be all mine too... none of this stepgrandchildren crap. My dad's stepmom has always treated me as one of her own and in fact because of crazy family dynamics I had NO IDEA she wasnt my actual blood relative until i was prob 7. I dont think of her as a step at all in fact i forget most of the time and I dont want Brad's kids to feel that way either. I had lots of grandparents who adored me and I want Brad's kids to have the same thing.

I admire your attitude towards your stepson. I have a stepmom whom I love dearly and she loves me. It wasn't always that way, my dad started dating her when I was 13 and I hated her, and through most of my teen years we weren't on the best of terms, but we got through all of that and she's now a very important person in my life. She was there when my children were born and to them, she's just Grandmom. There is never any distinction made between her biological grandchildren and my children, she NEVER calls them her stepgrandchildren. She is actually more involved in their daily lives than my actual mother is, so much that when my kids think of their grandmothers, they think of her and my dh's mother, it takes them a minute to remember they have my mom as well.

 

[bellebud]

The one thing I see missing here, and this was my main thought from the beginning, is simply 'inviting' his first 2 children isn't right. It's still like "Introducing... Our New Family (insert trumpets)... and oh yeah, you guys"

At least the way you present it to his first kids should be "we want to take you 3 kids to disney, let's discuss when would be a good time"... if the bio mom makes it impossible and won't let them go, then deal w/ that when it happens. And it will be on her shoulders then too. But don't make the first 2 kids feel like *you 3* are going no matter what, and IF they can go, then they can go... even if that's the reality because of their bio mom. They don't need any further alienating from you and their dad than they already have because of the divorce. And bio sibs usually have some resentment towards a new sibling anyway, imagine a step-sibling who gets to live w/ dad full time, and they don't.

I don't fully remember your 2 posts, about how their bio mom is. If she's great, then great and it shouldn't be a problem (and talking to her first before bringing it up to the first 2 kids is maybe the way to go???) But if she's not so great about the whole situation, then the first 2 kids need you more than you know, and the stablility of your family (meaning you, dh and the 3 kids when you're all together) is so much more important for them. And that's a lot for you on your plate, but as you already stated you know, it's part of marrying someone w/ kids.

And sometimes the men don't always know the right thing to do either, just because he's their bio dad. For family harmony, if it were me, i'd always be on the lookout to make sure things are fair-feeling for the first 2 kids, and not just throw it on dh's plate and think "if he says it's ok to leave them home, then it's ok"... I'm not saying he or you would do that, but i remember many stories from my dh, whose dad left the family, remarried and had 2 more kids. His dad was a worse offender than the stepmom, but didn't do it on purpose. He just thought "my first kids are older, they'll understand why their not coming on this trip, etc, etc." They didn't understand at all.

You just asking all this sounds like you're wanting to do the right thing (of course), and i'm sure you'll make a wonderful blended family. And congrats on the pregnancy!

 

[Lady V]

I was just responding to nicolepa's post - my daughters don't have a stepmother because "something happened to me" and he remarried. They have a stepmother because he left me for my best friend. And I am thankful that she loves them, but I resent greatly the circumstances that put her in that positiion.

I agree with your post. I know that I would never love stepchildren the way I love my own daughters.

wow-that post islike reading my own diary. In my case, my friend (yea-right) was 19 at the time he left me. He was 26. I even talked to her on the phone about how sasd I was and that I was trying to get him back. Little did I know that she had other plans. they moved in together before our divorce was final. Now she tries to act like she loves the kids but I feel like she is part of the reason we are in this position anyway. Now, she and ex have moved away for their careers and he sees the kids maybe 2 days a month. I can really tell that the kids best interests are inportant to them. But I will tell you this..we both agreed that from the start of the break up that the kids were not going to hear us talk bad about each other. they actully think me and ex and his fiance are all good friends. I will never talk bad about my ex or her in front of the kids. I love my kids way more than I dislike the ex...
But-that was a couple years ago and now I am engaged to a man who is wonderful to me and my kids. They love him so much. I am so lucky to have a perons in my life who loves them as if they were his own. But I also feel guilty because he has twin teenage boys that I think are wonderful but I just am not as close to them as he is to my kids. I don't know if it is because mine are still so little or what. I want to be a good stepmom but I really know I will never love them the way I love my own.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[ilovejack02]

But-that was a couple years ago and now I am engaged to a man who is wonderful to me and my kids. They love him so much. I am so lucky to have a perons in my life who loves them as if they were his own. But I also feel guilty because he has twin teenage boys that I think are wonderful but I just am not as close to them as he is to my kids. I don't know if it is because mine are still so little or what. I want to be a good stepmom but I really know I will never love them the way I love my own.

Im glad you like the stepsons to be soo much. Ill tell you what i do with my oldest, he and i do lots of things ALONE. I think it really draws us closer. We go see movies we like together, when his dad is working nights I take he and my youngest to dinner alot, we shop together alone I even make an effort to have his friends over and cook for them, when he was younger i would drive he and his friends places. I try and do lots of things just with him and it seems to help alot! If the kids live close and they are with you guys alot then maybe you can try this with them. Also... dont say you KNOW YOU WILL NEVER LOVE THEM the same. Just go with the flow, try and be close, but not pushy and let things develop. You never what could happen!!!

 

[wilderness01]

Take 'em all. *IF* they all want to go.

Imagine being a kid and your dad taking his "new" family to WDW and leaving you behind. I'd be crushed!


Why are you worrying about something now that is over two years away?

I completely agree.

 

[disney_family_1247]

I think that's one of the worst ideas I've ever heard . It's Disney World! How could you justify telling the other kids (step or not) that you're only taking the baby and not them? I have three kids, and it would break our relationship if I left the older two behind and went on vacation with only their little sister. I think you're right to worry about becoming a wicked stepmother if this is you idea of okay.

Your stepchildren are still young, there's no reason not to take them out of school to go on a cheaper fall trip. I say this as a mother and a former elementary school teacher.

If you start off like this with the new baby, you will definitely end up with unhappy stepchildren, and possibly an unhappy spouse.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I didn't read through all these posts..but I just wanted to give you hugs!!
I don't think you are horriable. I think you are human.
That said, I don't think you can get around it. I think you have to take all the kids if you are going. Someone is going to be hurt.
Personally, I know i would never go on a family vacation with just one child and leave the others behind. Everyone would be going or noone would.
.
GOOD LUCK!! And CONGRATULATIONS on your Pregnancy!!!

 

[Memaw2Wm]

My situation is unique ... I have 4 GKs ... 3 are my DD's and live with me (12, 11 and 2) and 1 (13) lives with his mom out of state.

I'm raising the live-ins ... and I take them individually different places with me. In fact the 11 y.o. and I are probably going to DW next fall ... her 12 y.o. brother is in middle school, doesn't do well in school, so I'm not comfortable with pulling him out to go. So he'll stay home with DD and his baby brother.

Bottom line is the stepkids have two families ... and I can pretty much guarantee that their mom isn't going to worry about their half-sibling being left out when she takes them on vacation. Yes, you should include the stepkids as much as possible, but they don't have to go everywhere you take their half-sibling.

 

[pplasky]

Let me say again that when my DH said no more Disney for at least 5 years, I was perfectly fine with that. He is the one who now is saying that he might want to take the baby to see the reaction of a toddler. I don't know that the reaction of a toddler is going to be worth the work of actually taking a toddler to Disney, especially since DH has already agreed that the toddler will not remember the trip.

If we did decide to take the baby to DW, I would not consider that a family trip. I would consider it a trip to see the reaction of the baby because that is why DH wants to do it. Family trips are things like next summers camping trip (with an 8 week old, just because I know that my husbands children from his first marriage will love it). And the zoo and the circus and Disney on Ice and a million other things that will get planned around my husbands children from his first marriage if they say they want to go. I think a trip to DW with a 2 year old, a 14 year old and an 8 year old would end up being a 'well you take this kid and go here while I wait here with this kid and then we'll go and do this but I know that this kid is not going to like it and then everyone will end up miserable' sort of thing. Not anything close to a nice family vacation.

Oh, and for the record, if the baby ever becomes a stepchild and DH wants to take them to DW with his new wife, I will be very realistic in understanding that it makes more sense to take them in the fall and they will not die from missing a week of school and it will not make me look like the bad parent because DH and his wife are taking them to DW and I am not.

I'm sorry. Taking day trips to the zoo and Disney on ice are not "family vacations" The fact that your DH wants to see his toddlers face doesn't make the trip any less of a vacation. I had my bio children when my step children were 9 and 13. We planned all vacations around them until they were out of high school.

The oldest are now 22 and 26, and we still invited them on our upcoming trip to Disney. They actually have to adjust their vacations etc. if they wish to come. Imaging that, more than two adults having to coordinate to take a vacation together. They do usually want to come, even now.

When your children are older, you may find that education becomes more of priority, changing your opinions about pulling the kids out of school.