Am I wrong?

[Tammysue5]

First of all I will say CONGRATULATIONS! I do not think you are a bad step mom.... A true "bad' step mom would not even care to ask!

Having been a step parent myself I agree with the poster that said nothing is ever cut and dried. You must do what you and your husband decide. DH and I tried to do this right from the start. My "stepson' tried w/all his might to get between us. DH said no way, we are a family! Was it easy? NO WAY! DId I call him step son? Yes... because his mother would have been livid. ( as would I if someone called my kids theirs)

Well, 7 years ago my 'stepsons' mom died at the age of 40. She lead a horrible life. Shortly after that he introduced me as MOM.... as we were leaving he ask if that was ok with me.... I assured him it was. He then ask me... "When people ask you how many kids you have what do you tell them? "
I said "What do you want me to tell them?" He said...."Tell them you have fours kids nothing else...." He prefers that noone know that I am Not his mom. I am proud of my 'title' in his life!

You will make the right decisions.... please do not be discouraged about negativity... the fact that you are asking for advice is a good indication that you want to try to do good by your DHs kids.

Good Luck!

 

[Bonnie40]

I only have biological children (3 of them) and would never take a family vacation without everyone. We actually cancelled our Disney vacation last summer because my one son really didn't want to go again...he would have been miserable and suggested we go without him because he knows just how much we love to go. Surprisingly my CM daughter (once a CM - always a CM! ) was the one who said it wouldn't be "a family vacation" if we went without him. So the vacation was cancelled. No big deal.

Many people thought we were crazy...we've never travelled without our kids...period. But it was the right thing to do for our family.

To the OP...I do think you're putting the cart before the horse in this situation. I would like to hope that by the time you're ready to plan a Disney family vacation, that you realize the importance of bringing the 'entire' family. As many others have pointed out...a change in attitude re the children that aren't biologically yours, would be a huge step in the right direction.

 

[S. C.]

Take 'em all. *IF* they all want to go.

Imagine being a kid and your dad taking his "new" family to WDW and leaving you behind. I'd be crushed!


Why are you worrying about something now that is over two years away?

I agree!

You also don't want your DH to be feeling guilty the whole trip for not taking the others, and/or blaming you for the others not going.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I have to say that any father that accepts this type of favoritism re. his children is a gutless failure as a father, also.

 

[bunny]

I don't think it is worth getting advice from people who are not in this situation. As others have stated, it is not always possible to include stepchildren due to custody arrangements etc. There is nothing wrong with going on a vacation without them. A more appropriate place to ask this question is at www.secondwivesclub.com. It is a website for stepmoms and as such is excellent. I am sure you would get different responses from other moms who have directly dealt with this issue. Check it out.

And not all stepfamilies blend perfectly. After being a stepparent for 14+ yers I have given up on being a mom to my stepchildren and have decided instead to be a friend. It is actually working out much better that way. Over the years we attempted a few family vacations together and they were nightmares for everyone. My husband takes them places alone and we take our children together to Disney World. Now they were teenagers by the time our children were born, so maybe that is different. But my husband is an awesome dad to all of our children. And we have our life, they have their lives, and when possible we do things together.

BTW, their mother would have never let them go to Disney World with us. She would have asked us for the money instead. Don't forget not all divorces end well.

 

[bunny]

To the OP, I just reread all of the responses on this thread and am not surprised with how people reacted. Until someone is a stepparent they don't understand. And they throw stones. I have learned not to ask or take advice from other people unless they are in the same situation.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I have to say that any father that accepts this type of favoritism re. his children is a gutless failure as a father, also.

I feel the same way about mothers who allow step fathers to mistreat their children.

I wonder if there's a first wives club??

Why do the step moms always post negative things about the mothers? They can't be all bad if the husbands decided to date, marry and have children with them.

 

[autumnbaby9]

I have to say that any father that accepts this type of favoritism re. his children is a gutless failure as a father, also.

ITA

OP, you need to realize that while you may not be able to call them your children (using the word step children is fine IMO, calling them by their names is even better, but steppies just sounds derogitory to me) for all sense and purposes you have 3 children. That came implied when you married a man that already had children. You were not just marring him at that point, you married his whole family including the kids.

Just ask yourself, if these 2 were your biological children would you ever consider leaving them behind to save money?

 

[bunny]

If they were her biological children, she might not be having a 3rd child. If they were her biological children, her husband wouldn't be paying up to 50% of his income to another person to take care of them. If they were her biological children, they wouldn't have someone else they called mom. That is a stupid arguement.

 

[disneyjunkie]

If they were her biological children, she might not be having a 3rd child. If they were her biological children, her husband wouldn't be paying up to 50% of his income to another person to take care of them. If they were her biological children, they wouldn't have someone else they called mom. That is a stupid arguement.

What if one day her child becomes a step child? Would she want her child's step mom to exclude him/her from a huge family trip?

If people have issues with children from prior relationships, they shouldn’t marry someone with children.

 

[bunny]

Not all stepfamilies are the Brady Bunch. I love my stepchildren but I am not their mom. I am their stepmom. And if my children had a stepmother and if their stepmother and father wanted to take them to Disney World and if they had visitation at that same time and if my children wanted to go with them and if they could afford to do that after paying me my spousal support and child support etc., I might allow them to go. All I am saying is that there are a lot of variables involved. It is not the same as a nuclear family. A stepfamily has its own dynamics.

 

[jodifla]

Some posters on this thread are being really unrealistic. I wouldn't expect a family with two sets of kids to go on EVERY vacation together. Like other posters with actual experience have said, there are issues with the other parent, school breaks, etc.

For the OP, the issue is her husband's feelings. Since he wants to go on the trip with all the children, it would create hard feelings to do it without them.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Not all stepfamilies are the Brady Bunch. I love my stepchildren but I am not their mom. I am their stepmom. And if my children had a stepmother and if their stepmother and father wanted to take them to Disney World and if they had visitation at that same time and if my children wanted to go with them and if they could afford to do that after paying me my spousal support and child support etc., I might allow them to go. All I am saying is that there are a lot of variables involved. It is not the same as a nuclear family. A stepfamily has its own dynamics.

The father in the OP wants his children to go on the trip,the step mom doesn't. The OP is planning the trip at a time when she knows the other kids can't attend.

I don't believe the kids should be included in all outings, (camping, circus, zoo) but a huge trip that you are planning more than two year out?? YUP they should be included.

 

[Darcy03231]

I haven't had time to read all the responses so forgive me if I've repeated someone else's advice. Here's my perspective. DH and I have a blended family. He has two children from his first marriage and I have two children from mine. When we were married his children were 13 and 9 and mine were 5 and 3. We have always included all the children in any family vacation. That being said, they haven't all gone on every one, but they've been invited. One year my DD didn't want to go to the beach, she wanted to go to her grandmother's instead. Another year DSS decided he didn't want to go on a cruise with us unless we paid for his girlfriend to go to (wasn't happening) so he decided to stay home. Another year DH couldn't go on vacation with us (he'd already used up all of his vacation time) and DSD decided she wanted to stay home with DH. The most important thing has been that we have never left any of them out on any vacation. Anytime someone decided not to go it was their decision. When we were first married we did do some separate vacations (long weekends) where DH would take his 2 somewhere and I would take my two somewhere. We did this mostly due to the age differences.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Take 'em all. *IF* they all want to go.

Imagine being a kid and your dad taking his "new" family to WDW and leaving you behind. I'd be crushed!

I agree with this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope you are feeling well!

I'm pregnant right now, and I know my decision making skills are all over the place. Don't get to caught up in things so far away, too many hormones right now.

In my dad's family, there were nine children with six divorces. So my cousins grew up with half and step siblings. There were many different custody arrangements, but overall I know that they still did things as a whole family. They would have been really hurt at such young ages to be left out of such a major family vacation with one of their biological parents.

The one thing important to keep in mind is that your child will be growing up with both of his/her parents. Your step-children don't get to live full time with their father. It can be so hard for them to fully understand why another child gets to live with their daddy, but they cannot. So any extra vacation they get with their mother, it's not really an equal trade-off. KWIM?

 

[pyrxtc]

OP I feel your pain.

I posted something similiar a while back and got jumped on like you are and got a few really out there PM's with threats and were obviously sent by someone with mental health issues.

I have 4 kids, one is mine from my first marriage, one is his from his first marriage and two(B&G) are ours. Not only have we taken trips without his DD (E), we have taken trips without my DD(A). I am on both sides since I am a bio mom and a step mom.

I think it's fine if you want to take a trip wiht just the new baby. I don't plan my trips around my kids lives, I plan for when I want to go and can afford to go. I am going in January and invited E but her mother won't let her go but I am not changing my plans to go since I know the rest of the family will have fun. We are going in April and so far E is not going again even though it is planned for a school vacation time and she wants to go since her mother will most likely find an excuse. We are going again for a big family (11 at least) thing in December but E will probably not go again due tro the mother issue.

I have no desire to go in the summer heat and will probably never do it. If E doesn't go in April my DD will get to bring a friend. E is dissapointed that she can't go, sure but she knows that she is always welcome. I do everything for her just like I do for my own kids.

She mentioned how I wasn't involved in her school life but I told her I can't be since she lives so far away.(I was talking with someone about how much time I spend just doing things for my kids school or sports or whatever).

She goes on vacation with her mother, her little sister (at moms) wants to know why she can't go on vacation with us.

It's hard to plan vacations for children you don't have custody of. As an adult, you shouldn't have to plan around children and I refuse to. A is missing a school play she really wanted to be in to go to WDW in January.

Oh, and prior marriages are not always started in love and something they wanted. Sometimes it's out of need and something you regretted the moment it happened.

But dont' forget.... This IS Disney and the step-mothers are ALWAYS EVIL !

 

[autumnbaby9]

OP I feel your pain.

I posted something similiar a while back and got jumped on like you are and got a few really out there PM's with threats and were obviously sent by someone with mental health issues.

I have 4 kids, one is mine from my first marriage, one is his from his first marriage and two(B&G) are ours. Not only have we taken trips without his DD (E), we have taken trips without my DD(A). I am on both sides since I am a bio mom and a step mom.

I think it's fine if you want to take a trip wiht just the new baby. I don't plan my trips around my kids lives, I plan for when I want to go and can afford to go. I am going in January and invited E but her mother won't let her go but I am not changing my plans to go since I know the rest of the family will have fun. We are going in April and so far E is not going again even though it is planned for a school vacation time and she wants to go since her mother will most likely find an excuse. We are going again for a big family (11 at least) thing in December but E will probably not go again due tro the mother issue.

I have no desire to go in the summer heat and will probably never do it. If E doesn't go in April my DD will get to bring a friend. E is dissapointed that she can't go, sure but she knows that she is always welcome. I do everything for her just like I do for my own kids.

But you invited E and are willing to take her if she could go. The OP doesn't even want to invite the other 2, even when her husband has asked if they could go when all his children can attend. The fact that the husband wants to take all his children should count BIG time.

We are not talking a small weekend trip or a visit to the zoo. We are talking about a vacation that is over 2 years away. There is plenty of time to figure out if the other 2 could get away and save up for the trip, the OP just doesn't want to. There is always going to be situations where not everyone will want or be able to go, but the option should be given.

 

[pyrxtc]

Did you miss the part where I said I went wihtout my A or E ? A really wanted to go but we didn't take her.E was not even invited to that trip. Just my DH and I and our two youngest. So I took two instead of one as the OP wants to do. I think it's allowed. the other tow children will make it harder to get aroudn with a two yr old and complain about taking so long and any downtime for naps or whatever, maybe?! Op didn't say DH couldn't take the other two without this last one.

 

[Toot Sweet]

To the OP, I just reread all of the responses on this thread and am not surprised with how people reacted. Until someone is a stepparent they don't understand. And they throw stones. I have learned not to ask or take advice from other people unless they are in the same situation.

Ummm...some of us who posted ARE step-parents.

It is one thing to go on smaller trips without the step kids. Of course it isn't feasible to assume you can take all the kids everywhere every time. But this is WDW we are talking about! If the step-kids want to go, they should be invited. But maybe they don't, who knows?

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I am not a step parent. I was the step kid. My opinions come from what I experienced as a step kid. My step mother was very nice to me when I was around. I don't think she was ever mean to me but she did treat me and my brother as a totally different family. My father and his new wife had two kids together and they were family #1 and I never was allowed to forget it. Not by words as my step mom never was mean but by actions. They planned trips and talked about them but we rarely were allowed to go. My mom struggled to raise me and my brother (and no matter if you receive child support or not the custodial parent always pays more that 50% no matter what anyone thinks) and were couldn't afford to go on big vacations. But dad and stepmom always went somewhere big every year (like a cruise). We got to go camping with them. We were second place and as soon as my half sibs were old enough they let us know. Everyone can give their opinions about their step kids and how they feel but do you really know? I do know, as I have been there, and it does hurt when you feel that you are not good enough.