Am I wrong?

[moon]

I don't have any step kids, but I think that you should take all of them. I have a friend who has 2 step kids and her step kids were about your stepkids age when they had a little girl of their own. I am not saying that she is a horrible stepmother because she is not. She takes great care of all of them, and she does a lot for all of them but she has told me that she doesn't treat or love them the same way as her own daughter and she excludes them from vacations and activities and it creates a lot of problems and resentments from the stepkids, and also create a lot of friction between her and her DH! My opinion is that you should treat your stepkids like your own kids....so I wouldn't take one on a vacation and not the other two. Just my opinion..

Sorry, but I think she's a horrible stepmother. I knew someone with a stepmother like that -even worse, really- and the discrepacies between the way she treated "her own child" vs "the step" was awful. And the consequences were tragic for all of them.

 

[bumcat]

Steppies? You call them steppies?


You really do not want my opinion since I use to be a "steppie".
I ditched my "steppie mom" many years ago.

 

[FSUGrad97]

I And I do understand that the steppies may have resentment if junior got to go to DW and they didn't but then I also consider that they miss things all the time when they are with their mom and us taking them to DW would not prevent them from coming here and going on and on about the trips they go on with their mother that junior does not get to go on.

I really hope that your step children don't know that you refer to them as "the steppies."

Please reevaluate the "own kids" v. "steppies" mentality if you want harmony in your relationship with your husband and with your stepchildren.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I really hope that your step children don't know that you refer to them as "the steppies."

Please reevaluate the own kids v. "steppies" mentality if you want harmony in your relationship with your husband and with your stepchildren.

If the OP keeps up the "steppies" her "junior" will become a "steppie". I wonder how the threads the OP will start will be titled.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

I don't think you're a horrible step-mother. I do think you should at least ask the step kids if they would like to go, when it gets much closer to the time. That way they will have a choice and won't resent their dad for taking a trip like that without them. I have a feeling your husband would be happiest if all the children could go together. If you had children by another marriage, you might feel the same way and would want them included also.

I think it's very important for everyone to include all the members of the family, or at least make the offer available and let them decide.

 

[meandtheguys2]

"steppies"...lovely term.

That was the kind of thing that led to my first stepmom being called my "stepmonster..." She was the kind of person who acted like she liked us until she had HER baby.

 

[grlpwrd]

We were talking about it and I was telling him how much cheaper it would be to go in the fall.

I can honestly say that I had no intentions of taking the stepkids back to Disney World, regardless of whether DH and I had anymore kids or not. ....

Wow. I think you already made up your mind....and yes, why - it's 2 years away???

Steppies is a trendy term now, I suppose. I see it on other parenting boards, but I have found it is mostly used as a term of exclusion. I see that in her signature she makes that distinction of them being her stepchildren anyway.

boomie, your situation is different. You, at least, like your stepchild and include him in your plans and family activities. It sure doesn't sound like this poster wants to include her stepchildren and is making excuses.

 

[maxiesmom]

Take them all!

All together you are a family. Leaving the other 2 behind will make them feel like they are somehow less, like they are lower caste family members. You need to love and treat these children as your own, not just as your husbands children. Just think of what a great time it would be to have everyone together at Disney, riding rides together, eating together, having fun together. I would think that all of this would help solidify you as a family group. Face it, just taking the child you and your hubby had together WILL casue resentment. How could it not? And how would you feel in their shoes, if you were the one left behind?

 

[MiniGirl]

I read your original post and just couldn't respond because I felt I didn't have enough information. There are just so many things to consider. Do you and your dh have custody of the children? How is their relationship with the 2 of you? How is your (and your dh's) relationship with their mother? I think all of these things are important.

I really am surprised that you received so many responses without being asked for more information. I have 2 step-kids, and I find being a step-mom infinitely harder than being a mom. I know many of you do not feel I should even refer to them as step-kids, and I respectfully disagree. I am not their mother, and she (their mother) would be furious if I claimed to be. She would also be absolutely livid if she ever heard me refer to either of them as my children. I will also add that I do love my step-kids, but not as I love my children. However, it is not a biological thing. I simply don't spend enough time with them. I don't get to care for them and do the things with them that build that love bond. Like I said though, I do love them, and I want to and try to treat them as I do my bio children, but they don't (and never really have) allowed me to hug them and get close to them. If that makes me a horrible step-mom, then so be it.

All this just to say that I know where you are coming from OP, but I don't know your particular situation. The only thing I do know is that you stated your dh wants them to go with you, and I do think that needs to be honored. Remember though a lot can happen in 2 years, and neither of you really know how this new baby will change things -- for all of you. Regardless of that though, you need to sit down with your dh and talk about your expectations -- and his. Including all the children on big family trips is wonderful. What about the small week-end getaways though? Will they also be included in all of those? In other words, does your dh expect you, and him, and any children you 2 have together to sit home twiddling your thumbs because his oldest children are with their mother? I know that wording is a bit harsh, but I use it because it gets the point across. Will you also not go to the zoo or the circus if the older 2 can't make it? Again, so much of this depends on where the children live and the kind of relationship all of you have, and really without knowing more, I couldn't begin to comment on so many of the other dynamics that play such an important part of this very complicated family model.

Good luck to you, OP. Sorry, I wrote a small novel for you, but really, in the 12 years that I have been a step-mom, I have learned that nothing is ever really so cut and dry.

 

[MiniGirl]

MTE

QUOTE]

Sorry, what does "MTE" mean?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Aliceacc]

My thoughts exactly.

Thank you!

 

[waltsgirl]

"Steppies" Hip term or not it isn't right.

 

[CrazyFool]

Can we add "steppies" to the word filter so we no longer have to see it?

What a rude term to refer to your children as!

 

[disneyjunkie]

I read your original post and just couldn't respond because I felt I didn't have enough information. There are just so many things to consider. Do you and your dh have custody of the children? How is their relationship with the 2 of you? How is your (and your dh's) relationship with their mother? I think all of these things are important.

I really am surprised that you received so many responses without being asked for more information. I have 2 step-kids, and I find being a step-mom infinitely harder than being a mom. I know many of you do not feel I should even refer to them as step-kids, and I respectfully disagree. I am not their mother, and she (their mother) would be furious if I claimed to be. She would also be absolutely livid if she ever heard me refer to either of them as my children. I will also add that I do love my step-kids, but not as I love my children. However, it is not a biological thing. I simply don't spend enough time with them. I don't get to care for them and do the things with them that build that love bond. Like I said though, I do love them, and I want to and try to treat them as I do my bio children, but they don't (and never really have) allowed me to hug them and get close to them. If that makes me a horrible step-mom, then so be it.

All this just to say that I know where you are coming from OP, but I don't know your particular situation. The only thing I do know is that you stated your dh wants them to go with you, and I do think that needs to be honored. Remember though a lot can happen in 2 years, and neither of you really know how this new baby will change things -- for all of you. Regardless of that though, you need to sit down with your dh and talk about your expectations -- and his. Including all the children on big family trips is wonderful. What about the small week-end getaways though? Will they also be included in all of those? In other words, does your dh expect you, and him, and any children you 2 have together to sit home twiddling your thumbs because his oldest children are with their mother? I know that wording is a bit harsh, but I use it because it gets the point across. Will you also not go to the zoo or the circus if the older 2 can't make it? Again, so much of this depends on where the children live and the kind of relationship all of you have, and really without knowing more, I couldn't begin to comment on so many of the other dynamics that play such an important part of this very complicated family model.

Good luck to you, OP. Sorry, I wrote a small novel for you, but really, in the 12 years that I have been a step-mom, I have learned that nothing is ever really so cut and dry.

I agree, there's nothing wrong with refer to a child as a stepchild. However,
the term steppies sounds awful. Would it be ok for the kids to use the term Cruellie(short for Cruella)?

My son has a stepmother. If she referred to herself as my son's mother, I'd be livid.


I also agree with you about trips to the zoo or circus. I can understand not including the step
kids in on those things. But a major vacation??

 

[Nicolepa]

I think that since your husband has said he wants them all to go, then they all go, end of story.

As for the steppies. I think it's horrible but I also hate the term "step". In rare occasions I think the distinction is needed, but 99% it's not. My mom and "step" dad met when I was 6. The only time he ever used the word step was when people wondered about the age difference (he is only 14 years older than me). He NEVER called me his step daughter. I didn't start calling him dad until I was in high school, maybe college, but he still always referred to me as his daughter. That always made me feel like I belonged and was loved. They have been divorced for 15+ years but I still see him on a regular basis, my kids call him grandpa, he comes over for dinner, Christmas etc. When I got stranded in the snow last year w/my 2 kids it was his house I showed up at. He genetics or not he will always be my dad.

 

[DVCLiz]

I think steppies is adorable, for what it's worth (apparently not much on this thread!) I think it's much cuter than "step-children" - it sounds young and fun and like something desirable, instead of Stepchildren with a capital S. Just my opinion, of course....

 

[disykat]

I'm in the minority here because I don't see anything terribly wrong with non-custodial parents taking an occasional vacation without their children who live elsewhere. Sure, it'd be nice to include them in the big family vacations, but I don't really see it as realistic to include them in all the vacations - depending on custody agreements.

Now, if you are the custodial parent and waiting for them to go visit their mom so you could go on vacation, I'd have a real problem with that.

 

[boomhauer]

Can we add "steppies" to the word filter so we no longer have to see it?

What a rude term to refer to your children as!

I don't see what the big deal is. My former-stepmother used to refer to herself as "steppie". I don't think the OP is demeaning or trying to demean them. I think people are taking their own personal feelings and using them against the OP to an extent.

 

[Gillian]

I think that since your husband has said he wants them all to go, then they all go, end of story.

I agree with this. You're all a family and the most important thing in keeping it a happy one is for you and your husband to work things out with each other. I think you're asking for trouble if you're planning a trip for 2 years from now against his wishes.

I understand partly, because I'm always planning our next Disney trip, but your situation is a bit more complicated. Try not to worry about it now. There is no rush to plan an off season trip!

My mom & I are planning to take a trip next year with just DD who will be 5 and leaving DS who will be 8 at home. Then DS will get to take a trip with DH. It's not quite fair, but we've discussed it. The only one who is upset is DD who doesn't want DS to stay home! But we'll talke about it again closer to and make sure it will work.

 

[boomhauer]

I'm in the minority here because I don't see anything terribly wrong with non-custodial parents taking an occasional vacation without their children who live elsewhere. Sure, it'd be nice to include them in the big family vacations, but I don't really see it as realistic to include them in all the vacations - depending on custody agreements.

Now, if you are the custodial parent and waiting for them to go visit their mom so you could go on vacation, I'd have a real problem with that.

But it's also not realistic for custodial parents to include the children all the time, when there are non-custodial parents involved. Trust me - I deal with it all the time.

If the non-custodial parent gets school vacation weeks and won't allow the custodial parents to remove the child from school, well, what can you do? It is what it is unfortunately.