Am I being selfish?

[jj1403]

I'm sorry that your vacation is already being dampened before you've gone!!

I hope that you will take your vacation, and not feel bad about it... You obviously deserve one after this craziness!

 

[Amy&Dan]

So... your mom's main concern in this whole situation is that you're going to look fat in a bathing suit?



That's just so special I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry, I know she's your mom and you love her but that is... wow. I have this overwhelming urge to throw on my suit, go to the pool, bend over and get someone to take a picture of my butt to sent to your mom. I am NOT pregnant and am bigger than you. And shorter. A lot.

I thought about that too! If I send this woman a picture of me in a bathing suit, I guarantee you that she will never say one word about her daughter again!

I still say that as sad as all of this is, that disappointment and not getting to do everything your family does is part of life. Even for a five year old. If the OP and her husband amend all family plans to include this child, I fear she'll grow up to be just like her mother, always waiting for someone else to provide what she herself cannot or will not. I hope she can go, but if it doesnt' work out, I hope the OP will definitely go anyway.

I'll share something: I had cousins who went to Disneyland the summer I was seven. That also happened to be the summer my father died. I remember feeling so jealous they got to go with both their mom and dad, yet also feeling happy for them. I had a lot of lessons that summer about how unfair life is. I lived, I ended up going to DL with my mom and my stepdad a few years later. In the end, life has a way of working out and we all will find our joys and sorrows along the way. I feel bad for this little girl (Jayda is it? pretty name). But her mom needs to be the one to start stepping up to the plate. Big time.

I still wish the OP lots of luck in dealing with what I know is extremely painful and upsetting. If family can't just go and make your already complicated life more complicated, what can? Best Wishes to her and her wonderful husband. He's a keeper!

 

[DumboPrincess]

I didn't read all the replies--but I have a question. When your sis stays at bf's house--who keeps your neice?

 

[labdogs42]

This is one of those times when I'm thankful to be an only child!

Me, too! And it reinforces my belief that all siblings aren't inherently best of friends. Yet another argument for me to stop at one!!

Glad your Sis is moving out soon, OP. It sounds like that will be best for everyone. If she moves out before you go on your trip, why would the niece even need to know about the trip? What are your trip dates now?

 

[RMulieri]

OMG....between your family and my family...makes me wish I was orphaned and raised by wolves.Just goes to show you just because you are related, does not guarantee a good or close relationship.

 

[badblackpug]

She does, however, know that some trips are not for everyone- she's been on several recently that did not include the other children. She knows that they did not go to the beach, the aquarium, the water park, the amusement parks... those trips were only for her, not them. It is easy to explain the other side of that. Will she like it? No. Does that really matter? No.

Without being about "tit for tat" there IS a need for children to have time with their parents without anyone else. The OPs children have a right to their parents without their cousin or aunt. Doubly so since they don't get that at home anymore.

Again, I wouldn't play tit for tat with a child's feelings. "You got to go to the beach, aquarium, amusement park and my kids didn't." Remember what it was like to be the only kid NOT invited to the party. There may be reasons for it, but it still hurt. This is a 5 year old who has had her whole life interrupted. She moved out of her house, she left her father, she moved into another house, where she, too, has to share a bedroom, and her mother has a new boyfriend. It is a lot of changes in a child's life. My personal thought is that if I could offer a child an opportunity they wouldn't otherwise have, I would. ...and as I said before, this child lives in the home, and although her mother may exclude the OP's children from certain activities, it doesn't seem as though the OP excludes her. ...AND the OP already state that she had no issue with taking the child, as long as her mother agreed. I would not, at this point, rescind the child's invitation based on the fact that her mother is an a*s.

 

[brandylouwho]

You are definitely not being selfish!! Go with your original plans.

Like everyone else, I think you are enabling your sister. She is an adult. She has had more than enough time to get back on her feet. She needs to set a better example for her daughter and show her that women can be strong and independent! If there is not a time frame for when she moves to her own apartment/house, then there should be.

Good luck!

Ditto! This problem appears to go way beyond a Disney vacation and enabling her to act this way is not helping her in the long run. I had a somewhat similar situation w my little brother (only he did not have kids). At first we were helping, but he did nothing to help himself, then for 6 months or so we just felt used, finally we confronted him and eventually gave him a timeline to get his butt out. It was a hard thing for me to do (not so hard for my husband though) but I am glad I did it. My relationship with hubby is better now and my little brother is showing signs that he is actually growing up to be an OK guy. He just needed a little nudge and some "real world" experience.


With that being said, go to Disney. Enjoy yourselves, take the niece if you truly want to & it won't be a hassle (don't take her out of guilt though or if it will be a hassle--she may be disappointed, but that is part of life sometimes, isn't it?) Afterall, we are only responsible for ourselves (well, and our own kids).

 

[sk!mom]

Again, I wouldn't play tit for tat with a child's feelings. "You got to go to the beach, aquarium, amusement park and my kids didn't." Remember what it was like to be the only kid NOT invited to the party. There may be reasons for it, but it still hurt. This is a 5 year old who has had her whole life interrupted. She moved out of her house, she left her father, she moved into another house, where she, too, has to share a bedroom, and her mother has a new boyfriend. It is a lot of changes in a child's life. My personal thought is that if I could offer a child an opportunity they wouldn't otherwise have, I would. ...and as I said before, this child lives in the home, and although her mother may exclude the OP's children from certain activities, it doesn't seem as though the OP excludes her. ...AND the OP already state that she had no issue with taking the child, as long as her mother agreed. I would not, at this point, rescind the child's invitation based on the fact that her mother is an a*s.

The fact that posters are going back and forth on whether the 5 year old should be taken or left home with HER mom, to me indicates how many boundaries are lacking in the OP's situation.

Any family should be able to vacation without feeling mean if they don't include an extra child. My goodness the OP has a house full of children of her own. Get sis and her child moved out now, establish some boundaries between the families, and the child won't expect to go.

This child will have a rough upbringing because of her peach of a mom but contrary to what some believe the OP can't make it all Ok with a trip to WDW.

 

[buckeyebill1995]

You are a saint! Do not push back your vacation, do not feel the slightest bit guilty! Let her pack her bags and tell her not to let the door hit her on her way out!

 

[sk!mom]

I have this overwhelming urge to throw on my suit, go to the pool, bend over and get someone to take a picture of my butt to sent to your mom.

I love this-

Maybe we could flood mom's mailbox with pictures of pleasingly plump women having fun in the sun.

 

[mickeyluvr004]

please GO and have a good time, don't let them get to you. I would not even subject my children to my mom if she treated me like that, where is the respect??? my sis and i haven't spoken in over a year almost 2 unfortunatly she also is a narcacist, she (actually older) is jelous of my mom and my relationship, my dad died 3 years ago and out of 3 kids i am the only one that she can rely on pretty sad thats for sure, but i don't mind as shes my mom my sis was going around talking about me nasty behind my back and also wrote my mom a 9 page nasty letter totally disrespectable to me and mom and got mom soo upset she called me to come over and read it, as i got there mom was on the last page and the sis says in the letter don't show me this letter too late i was already reading in disbeleif how could she write this about us the nerve.
Yes i miss her but she continues to make major bad choices in life, me i have a husband and 4 kids to raise, she owes me and mom a MAJOR appology and until she realizes it im not loosing any sleep over it that is for sure, Go and enjoy your family they grow FAST and you can't make up for that time. if you feel that strongly about your neice than tell her she is welcome to come at her expense not yours, hey for her its a mini vacation without her daughter and a mini one for her daughter to be with her aunt and uncle who love her dearly, but if she continues to act like that than stop all communication with her, and tell her when she grows up and can act responsibly you will be happy to talk but until then GOODBYE. as for your mom oh my she needs MAJOR counceling , you have a beautiful family cherish them

 

[mickeyluvr004]

sorry to run on and on i should have read it before sending Sorry everyone

 

[chessie2008]

The fact that posters are going back and forth on whether the 5 year old should be taken or left home with HER mom, to me indicates how many boundaries are lacking in the OP's situation.

Any family should be able to vacation without feeling mean if they don't include an extra child. My goodness the OP has a house full of children of her own. Get sis and her child moved out now, establish some boundaries between the families, and the child won't expect to go.

This child will have a rough upbringing because of her peach of a mom but contrary to what some believe the OP can't make it all Ok with a trip to WDW.

I totally agree. I have 4 kids of my own like OP (and I think she has #5 on the way too?) and feel like I barely have enough hands to take care of my own...if I felt like I had to take an extra kid with us it might be a deal breaker for me. If the sister is worried about her dd not taking the news of her cousin's trip well she should plan one of her own not expect OP to take her along on their family vacation.

 

[DevilDuckie]

The fact that posters are going back and forth on whether the 5 year old should be taken or left home with HER mom, to me indicates how many boundaries are lacking in the OP's situation.

AMEN! I am giving up on trying to explain to one person why it is acceptable for a child not to automatically get everything her cousins get. The neice got the short end of the stick on mommies, too.

 

[livie1205]

your post made me sad I am sorry your mom said that to you, you have had 5 kids (right?) I would be as big as a house lol do not let anyone tell you not to put a swimsuit on! If your dh loves you and does not mind and you are ok with it who cares! If your dh is calling this guy to tell him off them he loves you...good for you!
Take your kids on your trip and have fun...I understand 100% why you want to go with just your dh and kids.I love going with my parents (my only family) but i like to go with dh and kids alone too...your sister can kiss your you know what!!! If she wants to go make her boyfriend to take her...if he is so great and concerned about her feelings! He is calling you and this? why didnt he just say he would take them? I would be surprised if they DID move in with him...

 

[Anthony's Mommy]

Wow..Go on the trip. .We are going in December. Jut DH, DS and Myself. 1st big family trip together. Sister sounds spoiled if you ask me. you offered all of the things you did (cooking, rent, laundry, etc.) BUT, As an adult, she should insist on hepling out. As for your mom, I am sorry, I would go off on her (and would not let the kids around her till attitude changes, just my opinion though). My mom raised me not to take crap that I don't deserve (mom and the guy thats my father split when I was 6 or so, step dad is dad to me). that is just nasty. you wouldn't treat you kids that way..I just don't get it ...HAVE A BLAST ON YOUR TRIP!!! (BTW..I am a size 16, and Wear ugghhh a swimsuit in public!!!)

 

[leebee]

I had a very similar situation, although Dsis doesn't live with us. In July, DH, DD, and I had been discussing going to WDW (without DH) to celebrate DD's 13th birthday in September (the joys of homeschooling!). We have been to WDW many times with my Dsis, 2 nieces, and BIL, but have also been without them, and they without us MANY times. THIS trip was to be a mommy-daughter trip. In early August, Dsis mentioned going to Disney for MNSSHP. I backpedaled and said I didn't think this would work, didn't know if we could find the money, etc. Not lies, exactly, but not the full truth. Now, we are last-minute disney planners, so I wasn't worrying about the timing. DH and I talked for a few more weeks, into September. DD wanted to do the mommy-daughter thing, and while DH thinks we spend WAY too much time and money at WDW he agreed to the trip if it was going to be DD's trip and not with my Dsis. All this time, I was still avoiding Dsis's questions about travel, as we didn't have a plan and I didn't want a fight to ensue. How do you tell your sister you want to go to WDW, but WITHOUT her and the 2 kids? How do you say we love you but travelling with you means we do what you and your kids want, when you want, and we don't want to do it that way? (OK, without WWIII!).

So, we went on vacation, telling them at the last minute. WELL. NOT GOOD. Dsis was angry that we'd gone without her since she felt it was her idea to go, how could we go without them, what could she tell her kids, etc. (Huh...I didn't realize Disney was her private park...) There are still hard feelings, still distance, HORRIBLE things were said about my character and judgement. HOWEVER, DD and I had a wonderful time and I'd do it again in a heartbeat . Although I misjudged and should have told Dsis sooner, what can you do? You do the best you can, and live with the consequences. It's called being a responsible adult. Your sis will be mad for awhile, maybe a long while, but TAKE your family to WDW now. Disney vacations come in many varieties, and the nuclear vs. extended family trips will be amazingly different! There will be many, many things you don't see or do on this trip that will be new to you ALL on the next trip, and many things that don't exist now WILL be there in 2 years. Your kids will be different people in 2 years. I am sorry that it hurts your sister's feelings for you to go now, but that's the way life is. GO now, enjoy it, and I PROMISE you will be ready to go again in 2010!!!

(And I can sympathize with the mother-issues too, but that's another topic for another thread )

 

[tlbwriter]

I had a very similar situation, although Dsis doesn't live with us. In July, DH, DD, and I had been discussing going to WDW (without DH) to celebrate DD's 13th birthday in September (the joys of homeschooling!). We have been to WDW many times with my Dsis, 2 nieces, and BIL, but have also been without them, and they without us MANY times. THIS trip was to be a mommy-daughter trip. In early August, Dsis mentioned going to Disney for MNSSHP. I backpedaled and said I didn't think this would work, didn't know if we could find the money, etc. Not lies, exactly, but not the full truth. Now, we are last-minute disney planners, so I wasn't worrying about the timing. DH and I talked for a few more weeks, into September. DD wanted to do the mommy-daughter thing, and while DH thinks we spend WAY too much time and money at WDW he agreed to the trip if it was going to be DD's trip and not with my Dsis. All this time, I was still avoiding Dsis's questions about travel, as we didn't have a plan and I didn't want a fight to ensue. How do you tell your sister you want to go to WDW, but WITHOUT her and the 2 kids? How do you say we love you but travelling with you means we do what you and your kids want, when you want, and we don't want to do it that way? (OK, without WWIII!).

So, we went on vacation, telling them at the last minute. WELL. NOT GOOD. Dsis was angry that we'd gone without her since she felt it was her idea to go, how could we go without them, what could she tell her kids, etc. (Huh...I didn't realize Disney was her private park...) There are still hard feelings, still distance, HORRIBLE things were said about my character and judgement. HOWEVER, DD and I had a wonderful time and I'd do it again in a heartbeat .

In this case, I think your sister had a reason to be hurt and angry. You basically planned a trip with her and then pulled it out from under her at the last minute.

 

[jamieT]

In this case, I think your sister had a reason to be hurt and angry. You basically planned a trip with her and then pulled it out from under her at the last minute.

I agree. You were wrong to do this. If you want to go to Disney with just your daughter then you just say that. You don't tip toe around it with your sister, tell her last minute "oh you know that trip you wanted to do, well I never planned it with you but now we are going and you're not" and then be all ubset when she is offended. I would be hurt too. You owe her an apology!
Sorry I always try to back people up here, but in this case that was not a nice this to do. The OP situation is totally different. Their family trip is in the works (maybe) for 2 years from now. So they want to plan a trip for this year. If her family were going this year in a few months and then she just planned her own trip without them then it would be a simillar situation!

 

[2kids1dog]

I'm glad you've decided to go forward with your trip anyway! You have nothing to apologize and your sister needs to grow up. She should be ashamed of herself, considering how generous you've been to her and her DD.

Even if you do decide to go on the family trip in 2010, you won't regret for one minute going with just your family now.