Am I being selfish?

[MrsJ Henry]

I so understand that this is your sister and it is very hard for you.
But your husband and kids need to come first. Your first priority has to be your family!!!
Do what is best for your family and as hard as it is going to be... let the chips fall where they may.
And do everything you can to have a great time in disney with your husband and your children!!!!! Becuase that is what it is ALL ABOUT!!!!!!
Make some wonderful memories!!!!!!!!

 

[eliza61]

First off I want to thank everyone for your opinions and advice. I'll guess to many of you I look kind of pathetic and like a doormat..
Anyway, after her phone call and after agitating myself by reading all the posts here, lol, I called my sister. I informed her that we need to talk. She said she'd see what she could do about coming around this evening, since she needs clothes for jay anyway. I told her that steve and i were going on our vacation and we were going as a family. I extended the invitation for Jayda to go along again if she felt she would be that broken hearted, but informed her that steve and i both decided this is our vacation and we plan to go without any other extended family. She just said whatever, i'll talk to you later and hung up.

I am really trying to finish this post but people keep calling me.. that was actually my sister calling to let me know that she is going for wings tonight and won't be home, but she wants me to sit there and think of how crappy we'd feel if she and josh decided to go to Disney and Lexi cried her eyes out. I simply told her, that first of all she didn't need to know until after you went, and all we'd need to tell her is that we are planning our own trip. AND that OUR kids aren't even aware we are going so there is no reason Jayda should know... they only heard that my mother wants to take them... "someday" Not that we are going as a family beforehand. She said I guess and said she'd talk to me later. Oh and she is now definitely moving in with her bf before school starts.
.

No you do not sound like a doormat. You sound like exactly what you probably are. A very caring & loving individual that is trying to help out her family.
Your mom & your sister know this, why do you think they're pushing all these buttons.
I'm glad to hear you guys decided to go on vacation anyway.

 

[sk!mom]

Dh is not a saint. He has had to leave the house several times because of my sister and her nonsense.

I hope that you will stick to your guns. Your DH should never be pushed out of his own house because you are choosing to have your sister there. I would'nt let her come back except to get her stuff and I wouldn't continue any conversation in which she makes rude comments. I would tell her and mom that this situation will not be discussed anymore. I would then start to demand more respect from them both.

Good Luck!

 

[vcgirl925]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think with every other respect you are being selfless. No way in hell would be cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for another grown adult (my dh takes exception). You give her free everything it seems and she's not happy. I understand her dd might feel left out, but she needs to talk to her and tell her that she is going next time with her whole family. She'll get it. If i were you i would text her boyfriend back and tell him to mind his own beeswax. Who is he to lay a guilt trip on you? Go next year and have a blast! Sounds like you MORE than deserve it.

 

[angeleigh]

op I hope that you have a great trip. As far as going to Disney soon after having a baby, I would go the day after if I could. It doesn't matter if you are a size 16 or a size 64. If someone doesn't like the way you look in a swimsuit they shouldn't look at you. Your children will have a great time at Disney no matter how old they are. My cousin lives in Orlando and her twins just turned one and they have been to Magic Kingdom about 5 times already. (4 times before their first birthday). They loved the characters from the first time they saw them.
My sister lived with us for a while and it was very hard. She actually tried to make me feel guilty when we went on vacation without her last year. Things are better now between us but for a while she was very upset because she wasn't able to go.
I really hope that everything works out for you and that you get to enjoy the planning stages of your trip. It is very hard when two families try to live under the same roof.
Try to smile and enjoy the thoughts of the great Disney vacation you have coming up.

 

[bellarosemarie]

Sometimes we open our hearts too much and people (especially family members we love so much) come in and take advantage of our generosity. It's unfortunate. Hopefully she'll come to her senses, and realize what a wonderful sister and brother-in-law she has, and apologize for acting so selfish. Hopefully, if your still willing, she will even let you take your niece along too. I would hate for her to stay home when you and you Dh are so willing to extend an invitation to go. Go on your trip, have a magical time w/ no regrets. Life is too short.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I don't know why your sister can't move in with her BF tomorrow, what's the hold up? She's really a piece a work.

It will all work itself out in the end and you all will have a great family trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Ahh, OP I feel your pain. Every family has the one that is the nurturing type, the one that opens her arms and doors to everyone and everybody. Only to be treated badly, judged harshly and shown little of the love and understanding she has shown everyone else. It frankly sucks and I am sorry for you.

The audacity of your sister, who has lived in your house, eaten your food, caused stress between you and your husband is apparently limitless. You are the only one who can and will advocate for you and your family. I am thrilled to see you doing that. Take that trip!!! Believe me, WDW is not a one time occurance for most people. You could go five times between now and the big family trip and still not see everything. If having this free trip in 2010 has strings attached to it to the tune of "you shouldn't be going without everyone else", than decline that free trip, it ain't worth it!

I would plainly tell your sister to bug off and that if she is jealous (because really that is what this is, its less to do with her daughter's heartbreak than her own dismay that you and your family are doing something she perceives she can't do.) too bad. You don't owe her a thing. She on the other hand owes you plenty. I know you love her, but she sounds like a spoiled brat. I love my sister and I could see her doing this same type thing. I have to love her and ignore her, if I didn't I would be forced to beat her senseless. Family!

And to the point of your niece. It does stink she might not get to go to WDW, although if you are willing and able to take her and your sister doesn't let her, than your hands are tied and you can't do a thing. But even if you couldn't take her and she didnt get to go, that is sad, but that is life! That is the problem with today's way of thinking. Too many of us feel entitled to all the things our friends and family have. Your niece will likely have things that come up for the rest of her life that point out that others have more than she does. Its called reality. Its not fair. Just like its not fair by some people's standards that she gets to live at her aunt's house while other little girls who have mommies and daddies that get divorced liven in shelters or under a bridge. Your niece is not your responsiblity. Again, I know how you feel. I have a nephew that was raised by my insane, selfish sister and he has had nowhere near the life experiences my kids have. I have done a lot for him but in the end, I haven't felt I could shoulder every expense that might come up that his mom can't afford. And guess what, he's 24 now, loves me dearly and spends his time with me telling me thanks for what I did, not giving me grief for what I didnt' . Your niece will hopefully grow up the same way, with a sense of gratitude and love, not the sense of ingratitude and entitlement her mom has. Only time will tell.

You'll work this out, because you love her. But take a stand now because if you give up this trip (and it sounds like you won't), than be prepared to give up something else the next time she throws a tantrum. It never ends unless you end it. And definitely start being petty and throwing her dirty clothes in a separate pile. And next time you talk to the bf, ask him when you can expect him and his U-Haul to pull up and bring her to his house since you are so mean.

Also tell your mom that if she can't see the beauty in her daughter's body, the body that has been shaped by the birth of her grandkids, that is a mighty sad statement of her character. And I feel for you on that one, because I have been told by more than one family member (on mine and dh's side both) that I have a non bathing suit worthy body. That hurts. But remember, if anyone feels good about themselves, they don't say things like that to others.

Hang in there, you aren't the one with the problem. They are. Enjoy your trip to WDW.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Okay I only read your first post OP.
I am sorry this is going to be blunt.

Your sister is a mooch. She has a lot of nerve saying anything when you have done so much. Her BF texting you is way out of line. He needs to MYOB as it does not concern him at all. Your sister needs to suck it up and be an adult. Go on your trip without her and your niece. Do not feel guilty. It is her OWN fault she can't go. It is not your job to provide vacations for her and her child. I think you have gone above and beyond. If she moves out then so be it. She is not contributing anything positive at this point anyway. Her threatening the whole move out thing is a power play. Tell her to go. Let her pay the bills for once. I am sorry but I cannot stand it when people are freeloaders. Good luck with all this. Take your vacation and enjoy your family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

 

[littlbugmom]

I'm anxious to hear how your talk with her goes. I hope hope hope it's not ugly.

I agree with the others, you do not look foolish....you look like a caring person who happens to have a couple relatives who aren't very nice. You've gone above and beyond for your sister and instead of appreciating all you and your family have done for her, she just expects more and more. It's time for her to go. Buh-bye....off to boyfriend's house if she still can't afford her own place.


>>>...she wants me to sit there and think of how crappy we'd feel if she and josh decided to go to Disney and Lexi cried her eyes out.>>>

Oh puh-leez.

I would tell sis that I'd be overjoyed if she and her boyfriend managed their money well enough to be able to afford a vacation like that! Even if we couldn't go, I'd be very very happy for them and I'd handle my dd's disappointment. Yes, she would be disappointed but there would be no "crying her eyes out". Even at the tender age of 5, she'd be able to understand that sometimes, a friend or cousin will have something she wants.

I'm with you, though......I would take niece with me too. Unfortunately, her mother's jealousy is keeping her from going. Sis won't see it that way, though. All she sees is that her big sister has something she doesn't and she's going to yell and stomp her feet about it.

Kudos to your father for understanding and seeing things as they are. And kudos to your dh for putting up with this. He handled sister's boyfriend.

I would seriously think about not taking that 'big happy family trip' with your mom. It's sad that she treats you as she does and I don't think I'd want to subject myself to her during a vacation. I also don't think I'd want my children witnessing grandma treating me that way. If you go, will you be able to keep a good distance from her?

 

[mdsouth]

Ahh, OP I feel your pain. Every family has the one that is the nurturing type, the one that opens her arms and doors to everyone and everybody. Only to be treated badly, judged harshly and shown little of the love and understanding she has shown everyone else. It frankly sucks and I am sorry for you.

I would plainly tell your sister to bug off and that if she is jealous (because really that is what this is, its less to do with her daughter's heartbreak than her own dismay that you and your family are doing something she perceives she can't do.) too bad. You don't owe her a thing. She on the other hand owes you plenty. I know you love her, but she sounds like a spoiled brat. I love my sister and I could see her doing this same type thing. I have to love her and ignore her, if I didn't I would be forced to beat her senseless. Family!

And to the point of your niece. It does stink she might not get to go to WDW, although if you are willing and able to take her and your sister doesn't let her, than your hands are tied and you can't do a thing. But even if you couldn't take her and she didnt get to go, that is sad, but that is life! That is the problem with today's way of thinking. Too many of us feel entitled to all the things our friends and family have. Your niece will likely have things that come up for the rest of her life that point out that others have more than she does. Its called reality. Its not fair. Just like its not fair by some people's standards that she gets to live at her aunt's house while other little girls who have mommies and daddies that get divorced liven in shelters or under a bridge. Your niece is not your responsiblity. Again, I know how you feel. I have a nephew that was raised by my insane, selfish sister and he has had nowhere near the life experiences my kids have. I have done a lot for him but in the end, I haven't felt I could shoulder every expense that might come up that his mom can't afford. And guess what, he's 24 now, loves me dearly and spends his time with me telling me thanks for what I did, not giving me grief for what I didnt' . Your niece will hopefully grow up the same way, with a sense of gratitude and love, not the sense of ingratitude and entitlement her mom has. Only time will tell.

Hang in there, you aren't the one with the problem. They are. Enjoy your trip to WDW.

Too many people think that they are entitled to everything others have.

I am curious when she went out for wings did she take her daugher? It is important for your niece to spend time with her mother. She needs to start seeing her mother as her MOTHER and not as an aunt. So, it is important for your niece's well-being to spend time with her mother instead of staying back with you and the kids all the time. Think about it -- it appears as if your niece spends the majority of her time with you, your DH and her cousins. This is nice, and she definitely needs this close contact, but she also needs to have time with her mom without you, your DH or kids present. This will force your sis to start taking on a parental role. At least that is the hope. Unfortunately, she will most likely pass her daughter onto someone else, Grandma perhaps?

Please don't feel a bit guilty taking the trip with your DH and kids and Jayda. Just remember to put your own DH and family first (this can include Jayda but not your sister) while at home everyday! Your kids and DH need your attention and focus on them and you need time to be yourself!

 

[jamieT]

Why don't you tell your mom that you need a vacation from raising two families.

Also.. Your husband is awesome... What he said was perfect! My husband hates to see me get taken advantage of. Good for you that you have someone who won't let you be mistreated.

Here is my question? What if you were going to the beach? or camping, or Siberia would she be so appalled??

Just because it is Disney doesn't give her the right. Also, a lot of things can happen in two years. It would be one thing if the family trip was planned for september of this year, but you are talking two years from now. What you and your family don't deserve a vacation just because two years from now you MIGHT take a family vacation??

Believe me the only reason grandma is willing to foot the bill for that is so she can control it. For that trip I recommend you over lap your trip with hers. so you and your family have a few days without them. Orgo but pay for a few days without them after they leave.

Oh and from a fellow heavier girl I would tell your mom you could wear a thong if you want to!!!!!!!!!! how dare she?

Hey and just because you are used to it doesn't mean it's right!

 

[tlbwriter]

"Oh, poor me! I can't afford to go to Disney! Now, excuse me, I have to go out for wings."

 

[Erin13178]

I'm chiming in late on this, but I think you've went way above and beyond for your sister. She does need to grow up a bit I think. And yes plan your family vacation, take your niece if she allows you to, and if you want to, and other then that, don't sweat it. Either your sis will get over it or not, and if she doesn't, it's her loss. It seems like you are a wonderful person so don't beat yourself up for going the extra mile for her!

 

[badblackpug]

To the OP, I think you are doing a great job and you should be commended for everything you have done for your sister and your niece. Especially your niece. She is 5 and going through a significant life event, and I agree with you that she needs the safety of consistancy. I am sorry that your sister is being such an as*hat! Maybe, considering your sister's lack of desire to discuss the situation, you could send her a letter or an e-mail about your feelings regarding the issue. A lot of times this is less confrontational, and when you, and your sister are calm, and other people (nosy BF and mom) are not involved, you can really think about the things you want to say.

Dear Sis,

I love you and your daughter very much. Please understand I have been trying to plan a WDW trip for my family for a long time, but one thing or another has always come up, preventing us from having the time or the financial means to do so. It just seems like things are working out now, and I would love to share this opportunity with them. I know that mom has planned an extended family trip in 2010, but wanted to go sooner, while my oldest is still young enough that it will be magic for her. I also wanted this to be a smaller, less stressfull vacation, than will be the 2010 trip. I wanted to be able to concentrate solely on the kids. As you know, mom and I have certain issues between us, that may make this impossible during the extended family trip.

I love Jayda, and wouldn't do anything, ever to consciously hurt her. I know that she would be very hurt if we were to go and not invite her. If I plan very carefully, and really stretch our budget, I can afford to include her. Unfortunately, that is as far as my budget can stretch at this time. I really would love it if you can join us. I understand that you want to be there to experience Jayda's 1st visit, and I understand that you may not have the financial means to join us in {insert dates here} I hope you can manage it, but either way, Jayda is always welcome to join us.

I am sorry we have argued over this and I don't want anything to come between us. Please let me know what your plans are. I will give you all our travel info so that you can research it.

Love,

Sis

 

[DevilDuckie]

Wow. This girl is GOOD! I mean, her manipulative skills are mighty and fearful!

Do me a favor. Read "my" story.

"I took someone in and built her a bedroom. She lives rent free and my daughter shares her bedroom with this person's daughter. They have few bills and take lots of vacations.

She is mad at me because I want to take my family on vacation. I'd let her come, but she says she can't afford it and wants to change the plans to suit her own schedule. I offered to inconvenience my own family for her but she says it is not enough. Now her boyfriend is sending me nasty messages about how mean I am."


Okay. What should *I* do? Should I allow myself to be bullied out of taking my family on vacation by this person who is already the recipient of my hospitality and compassion? Should I tell my children they will just have to wait until these people are good and ready to let them experience Disney?

Or should I tell her that I am sorry she is unhappy but this trip is about MY kids and their needs and we'll see her when we get back? Who shall I disappoint- my eight year old or the five year old she has given up half her room to? Should I spend some quailty time with my family without the distraction of other people and their needs?


Is it a little clearer when you remove yourself from the picture?

 

[DevilDuckie]

The child is 5. Life lessons aside, WDW is a VERY big deal to a 5 year old. She doesn't understand the expense and she doesn't understand that her mother has issues. All she knows is that all the other kids in the house are going and she is not, for whatever reason. She lives amonst the other children as a sibling, (and I give th OP much praise for taking her in and including her as she has done) and for me it would be very hard to exclude her. I am simply trying to spare the feelings of a child that cannot possibly understand the complicated relationships amongst the adults. Now if the mother were to say that she she couldn't go without her, then that is the mothers' issue. But the OP should extend the invite in all fairness to the child. I don't think it's fair for the adults to play tit for tat when it comes to the children.

She does, however, know that some trips are not for everyone- she's been on several recently that did not include the other children. She knows that they did not go to the beach, the aquarium, the water park, the amusement parks... those trips were only for her, not them. It is easy to explain the other side of that. Will she like it? No. Does that really matter? No.

Without being about "tit for tat" there IS a need for children to have time with their parents without anyone else. The OPs children have a right to their parents without their cousin or aunt. Doubly so since they don't get that at home anymore.

 

[DevilDuckie]

As a side note... She also mentioned she thought it was completely ridiculous that I would want to go so soon after having a baby, and not because I was going to be there with five kids, two of which are under two, but because I will be enormous and not be able to use the pool. ( because it would be inappropriate for me to be in a bathing suit in public apparently ) Yeah my mom is a peach. she is 5'8" and a 4 or 6, my sister is 5'10" and an 8, I am 5'9" and normally a 12 sometimes a 14. I look like my dads side, hips, a large chest, more curvey.. it drives my mother insane.. i think because she hated all the women in my dads family so much. And since having Mariska, I've been in a size 16 and now pregnant, I am in an 18... it's driving her nuts. LOL

So... your mom's main concern in this whole situation is that you're going to look fat in a bathing suit?



That's just so special I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry, I know she's your mom and you love her but that is... wow. I have this overwhelming urge to throw on my suit, go to the pool, bend over and get someone to take a picture of my butt to sent to your mom. I am NOT pregnant and am bigger than you. And shorter. A lot.

 

[MELSMICE]

My words to my sister if she acted that way would be:

"I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. I never thought taking a vaction with my husband and family would make you feel that way. I thought you would be happy for us.

We are still planning to take our vacation. You are welcome to come along. If not, hopefully you'll be able to go soon. Otherwise it will be great when we are all there together with mom & dad."

Period, end of story. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are doing nothing wrong. You are taking your family on vaction. Sorry, but your sister is being a spoiled brat.

 

[Disney Fool]

Not only would I go without her and without guilt, I'd go for the gold, and book a Disney cruise along with it!!!! If she wants to be jealous, give her something to be jealous about. Sorry, but your family sounds like Carol Burnett's family skits. Stop being the doormat. And, when you return from that lovely vacation, be sure to"display" all your great photos with Cinderella and Mickey in front of the Castle.