Am I being selfish?

[rt2dz]

I agree. You were wrong to do this. If you want to go to Disney with just your daughter then you just say that. You don't tip toe around it with your sister, tell her last minute "oh you know that trip you wanted to do, well I never planned it with you but now we are going and you're not" and then be all ubset when she is offended. I would be hurt too. You owe her an apology!
Sorry I always try to back people up here, but in this case that was not a nice this to do. The OP situation is totally different. Their family trip is in the works (maybe) for 2 years from now. So they want to plan a trip for this year. If her family were going this year in a few months and then she just planned her own trip without them then it would be a simillar situation!

I agree. Not the same as the OPs situation at all.

OP--Any updates?

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

To the OP.. I'm just another person telling you to not feel bad at all. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for her already!! It is beyond selfish of her to make you try to feel guilty about it.

 

[julm26]

GO TO DISNEY - YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF - and don't you dare apologize. Your sister needs to grow up, move out and get on with her life....

 

[bookmama]

I know how you feel. My sister is the same way. My mother and I take care of my sister's children because she's not ready to grow up and when we plan things we try to include her all we ask for is a little participation. Like our last trip to disney we told her to save up money so she could go, we would pay for the children. All she did was whine about how she couldn't do that she needed her cancer sticks.

here's my suggestion, look your sister dead in the eye and say I love you but we're taking this trip. If you truly wanted to go with us you have enough time and money to make it happen. Tell you bf if he was so concerned with you going to disney he can pay for it, otherwise butt out.

Please don't let your sister's attitude steal your joy. Go and have a good time.

 

[disykat]

I didn't read all the replies--but I have a question. When your sis stays at bf's house--who keeps your neice?

I wondered that too. It sounds like OP is pretty much taking care of the neice like one of her own kids.

 

[Stephres]

I wondered that too. It sounds like OP is pretty much taking care of the neice like one of her own kids.

I thought she said the niece is usually with her father when sister is with the boyfriend.

OP, hope things work out! I completely agree with the posters here: she is taking advantage of you and no amount bullying should make you give in!

 

[DiznEeyore]

For one... she is living at your house with her child and yet she feels like she has the right to make you feel bad about going on vacation without her?? I don't think so! Sister or not I would be telling her to kiss it and would be putting my children first above her and your neice. If you want to take a family trip to disney with just you, your kids and DH then you should do it. period!

Personally I think that by you pandering to her demands you are merely creating the monster and even enabling her to act this way.

Thridly if her BF is so concerned about her well being, then let him take her and her child to Disney and leave you out of it.

You have been more then accomodating to her in her time of need...

Oh and not that it is any of my business so feel free to not answer me.. but I truly hope that she takes your neice with her when she goes to stay with her BF overnight because surely you shouldn't be made responsible for that as well.... In any case good luck and GO TO DISNEY THIS YEAR!!!

Haven't read all the replies ... just want to say I COMPLETELY AGREE with this!!! In a million years you shouldn't let your sister manipulate you into giving up your vacation. Don't penalize your family, especially when you've done so very much for her already!

Edited to add: I just found your update -- so glad you and dh are going to take your family! And kudos to your dad for backing you up! I have a "toxic" mom, too, so I feel your pain -- those relationships are never fun! I hope you all have a wonderful, magical, unforgettable, guilt-free trip!!!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

World war III erupted in my living room this evening, to the point where my sister actually packed up an overnight bag and left with my niece. I have been sitting here reading posts and trying to just get my mind off of things, but to honest, some of the stuff she says is really making me upset and I feel the need to seek advice and vent. It's disney related so even more reason to post here. It's kinda long.. sorry..

Let me preface this by saying I love my sister. She is one of my best friends and there is nothing she doesn't know about me. I will say however that she can be a little selfish and self centered at times... but then again who can't. I've jipped Dh out of the last piece of cheesecake.. i don't think I am a horrible person for it!

Anyway, she left her dh last year and has been living with me ever since. We moved my niece in with my oldest daughter and converted more than 50% of my lovely oversized garage ( formerly dh's workshop and workout room ) into a bedroom with a separate entrance. Yeah I know, we rock. LOL jk

Ok to the point, she found out tonight when she came home we were planning a Disney trip. Now it's not like I was particularly keeping it from her, I just haven't had a chance to sit down and tell her.. I was looking for the right time and way to bring it up. Plus she is seeing someone now and spends a lot of time with him and at his place and I don't see her as often. So tonight, she came in the door and I was in the bathroom cleaning up from teeth brushing time and she saw my planning dvd and brochures, notes from all the websites etc..

She's not happy. Basically the fight is for two reasons. First of all, my parents were thinking of planning a trip for Oct 2010. They informed us that they would like to do a family gathering type of vacation with our immediate family AND my grandmother and my one aunt and uncle and their family. It's a nice plan but if you'd met my mother, you'd understand why we want to take the kids for the first time ourselves, even if they are footing the bill. Plus it's a little over 2 years away. Lexi will already be ten. I don't want to wait any longer.. we already put it off because we built the bedroom and took on more responsibilities with having my sister and niece move in. In fact, we'd be leaving in about two months, had we stuck to our original plan.

Second she feels its selfish of us to go to disney now when she can't afford to take my niece. I would honestly have no problems taking her if we could afford to and we probably could and I told my sis that, but she of course wants to be there the first time she goes. ( and I of course don't blame her, I wouldn't want to miss my kids first visit either ) She went on and on about how Jayda has been waiting to go to disney for "forever". And flipped out when I reminded her that her daughter is turning 5 next month, mine is turning 8 this year, so she's been waiting even longer. And as much as would love to include her and my niece, we just can't.

Now while I can appreciate her stance on not having the money as a single mom, she is practically living with her new bf since the summer and is contemplating moving in with him before school starts in the fall. He works full time, as does she and she gets support for her daughter. And her new bf, pays for everything.. including her cell phone and car insurance. she has no rent, nor does he because he inherited his house. She owns her car and so does he. We on the other hand have more bills and way more kids.. lol and only my dh works. If we can save and go, why can't she save enough in the next 8 months to go ?

We finally got things calmed down and dh offered to schedule the vacation in October '09. which means missing a week of school for him, just to try to smooth things over. Thus giving my sister 14 months to save the money to go. My sister instead wants us to wait until her daughter is a little older to appreciate it more. Like TWO YEARS, when my parents are footing the bill.

Her argument is that her daughter has no other cousins or siblings and our going without her is leaving her out. I raised the point that we canceled a beach trip this summer for lack of funds and she still went to the beach.. with her daughter.. compliments of the BF. She has also been to the baltimore aquarium, two amusement parks and a water park all without my kids. She feels that is completely different, because we have FOUR kids.

She really thinks I am being horrible and nasty. As a matter of fact, her BF texted me while I was writing this and said, Thanks Jenn, your sister is heart broken over this. I feel horrible. I keep trying to figure out if we really are being selfish. I realize we talked about going as a family, but at the same time... well to be blunt, my mom is mean.

My mom is a complete control freak, she is overbearing, domineering and her favorite thing to do is criticize people... esp me. It takes dh A LOT sometimes not to freak out and say something. So my first visit to disney, I would like to be with my kids, my dh and me... not with my mom who will play the " I paid for this vacation so we are going to go where I want to go, when I want to go card".

Am I being selfish to not wait until 2010? I mean her BF's text really made me feel crappy and mean, but at the same time, if he is so in love with her then why doesn't he put up the funds. That's another thing my dh said, he's not footing the bill for her and the BF to go next year. They are adults, they have jobs, and if it is that important they can find a way to put the money aside. It's months away, if she does move in, then he'll certainly be going as well, so there is plenty of time. Plus dh says he doesn't understand why she feels entitled to encroach on our vacation anyway. He gets aggravated with her quickly and her sense of entitlement. ( I have to admit I thought her presence would be a godsend, esp with a new baby..to help with this and that.. etc. Instead, I feel like I added two kids, since I cook for them, clean for them, wash their clothes for them, pay for them... you get the idea.. )

I guess I have have reached the whining threshold for the next year with this post.. but I really am feeling conflicted. I mean she IS my little sister and it is my only niece, but aren't we entitled to be alone as a family sometimes too? Or is making the trip a Disney vacation pushing the envelope? I'd love to say when she gets over the shock she'll feel better but to be honest.. she isn't like that. Never has been and never will.. eventually I'll have to at the very least apologize.

I keep thinking of something my dh said too, if the tables were turned and she offered to take my only child, and my entire concern was over my kid missing out, I would give up being there, for her happiness. And he is so right. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in this situation? what if you were in her shoes? Ok well thanks for listening if you made it this far!

i totally see where your coming from, just because she lives with you doesnt mean she should do everything with you


but, i also see where she's coming from, first, she doesnt want her daughter to see her cousins having a great time at disney while she's sitting at home. second, you took her into your house so you should include her more. I have a aunt who lives with another aunt because she is going through a divorce. My other aunt doesnt have a lot of money but she does find ways to include her sister that's staying with her in everything.


Your sister is comforted by you and if you really care about her you'd find a way to make her feel good, maybe a compromise? Remember she's been through a lot in a divorce so dont hurt her again.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

GO TO DISNEY - YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF - and don't you dare apologize. Your sister needs to grow up, move out and get on with her life....

i feel your being way too harsh on her sister


i have a aunt thats in a very similar situation and its hard for her to get out on her own, just because shes not out on her own doesnt mean she's not grown up

 

[saratogadreamin09]

i also totally see where your mom's coming from. why would you go ot disney with two kids under 2?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

[jamieT]

Why take two kids under 2.... because Disney is awesome for all ages. She doesn't have to go Disney Comando! Also she said her daughter is 8 and she wants to take her while she still gets the magic!

Yeah for brave parents who take their kids on vacation....especially Disney ones!!!1

 

[saratogadreamin09]

Why take two kids under 2.... because Disney is awesome for all ages. She doesn't have to go Disney Comando! Also she said her daughter is 8 and she wants to take her while she still gets the magic!

Yeah for brave parents who take their kids on vacation....especially Disney ones!!!1

disney is fun for parents if their kids are under 2!!!!! parents are the ones who get to see the children happy while the kids dont remember anything!!!! I first went to disney when i was 3 and i dont remember ANYTHING from the trip but my parents remember every detail

 

[tlbwriter]

but, i also see where she's coming from, first, she doesnt want her daughter to see her cousins having a great time at disney while she's sitting at home.

So she has several options. She could let the OP take her daughter. She could take her daughter herself. She could ask her BF (who has already butted into the situation, and seems to be happy to spend money on them) to take her daughter. Or she could just realize that she doesn't always get what she wants just because she wants it.

second, you took her into your house so you should include her more.

Wait... because the OP performed one HUGE selfless act of charity (spending HER family's money and taking away part of HER family's garage and workshop in order to turn it into a home for her sister), she is required to include this entitled leech in everything she does? I'd say just the opposite - she took her into her home, and that means she's done enough!

Your sister is comforted by you and if you really care about her you'd find a way to make her feel good, maybe a compromise?

She attempted TWO compromises. She offered to take the girl. She offered to postpone her trip so her sister could save up some money. Both were rejected. And to suggest that the OP doesn't "really care" if she doesn't do this is beyond cruel, considering all she's done for her.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

i also totally see where your mom's coming from. why would you go ot disney with two kids under 2?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Because every time you give your child a new experience, they are learning and building their brain. No, the little ones may not remember the details, but they will see new sights, smell new smells, etc. Plus, she has older kids! Why should they have to wait? Finally, it is a family vacation - good for everyone!

You also mentioned your aunt not being ready to get out on her own. The OP's sister is spending the night with her boyfriend. She is ready and able to stand on her own two feet!

 

[Nie0214]

I am sorry that your good-nature has been taken advantage of by your sister. She needs to wake up and realize that it isn't high school anymore and she has a daughter and responsibilities.

Your family comes first, you already went above and beyond the call of duty for your sister in her time of need.

I would go on the trip as originally planned, and further tell your sister that she needs to start paying rent and/or start looking for a new place. There is no reason why she cannot set aside money when she has no bills. She needs to grow up.

Your sister reminds me somewhat of my father (my parents divorced about a year ago), who even now is still preying on my mother for money and support by guilt-tripping her. He has even tried to get her to renew him on our AAA account by saying, "Well Nicole lives in Maine, she needs it!" (they live in RI) and using me as a tool to get things out of my mother! He knows she would do anything for me and my brother, so he plays that up to get things from her. All I can say is that I am glad my only sibling is a brother that is 7 years younger.

Goodluck and update us on the outcome!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

but, i also see where she's coming from, first, she doesnt want her daughter to see her cousins having a great time at disney while she's sitting at home. second, you took her into your house so you should include her more.

Your sister is comforted by you and if you really care about her you'd find a way to make her feel good, maybe a compromise? Remember she's been through a lot in a divorce so dont hurt her again.

As if taking her into her home was not enough? Now she should put her life on hold until her sister is ready to be responsible? I don't think so. The OP has done a fantastic thing for her sister, more than what most people would probably be willing to do. The OP must now put her family first. And as for comforting her sister, her sister is a grown woman with a child of her own, she should be able to comfort herself.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

i feel your being way too harsh on her sister


i have a aunt thats in a very similar situation and its hard for her to get out on her own, just because shes not out on her own doesnt mean she's not grown up

She's not being harsh enough. The sister of the OP needs to get a grip on reality and learn that the world does not revolve around her. It's none of the sister's business if the OP wants to take a vacation with her own husband and family. I'm not saying she won't be shouldn't disappointed that she can't afford to join them on the trip with her own child (I mean, afterall, who doesn't want to go to Disney World with their children), but she has not right to deny her sister and her family a nice vacation.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

i also totally see where your mom's coming from. why would you go ot disney with two kids under 2???????????

You totally see where the OP's Mom is coming from? Wasn't that the same woman who told her daughter (OP) she was too fat to be in public in a bathing suit. Yeah, she sounds like a caring, rational woman I would want to take advice from!

Each year thousands of families take their two year old children to Disney and have a wonderful, magical time. Why wouldn't the OP want to do that. Also, it's none of her Mom or her sister's business if she wants to take 20 two year olds to Disney. That's between the OP and her husband, as to how they want to spend their vacation.

 

[AlleyKat]

she doesnt want her daughter to see her cousins having a great time at disney while she's sitting at home.

Figuratively speaking, her daughter won't SEE anything. The child in question has never been to WDW, therefore, has no idea what her cousins will be doing!

Remember she's been through a lot in a divorce so dont hurt her again.

OMG...a divorce that was certainly not her sister's fault!

You need to walk in someone's shoes before you start spewing "advice"!

 

[islangrl]

I haven't read all of the replies, so I may be repeating other posts, but I am so mad for you that I had to immediately respond. TAKE THE TRIP! You owe it to your kids and especially your husband to have some private family time. Having others live with you is very stressful, and if your husband gets "aggravated with her quickly", then I am sure he is feeling taken advantage of.
DO NOT put your marriage in jeopardy due to your selfish sister. (I have a spoiled younger sister, who TRULY believes that we should all do her bidding).
Selfish people cannot handle other's happiness unless they are getting a piece of the pie. I'm sure she can feel the aggravation she causes your husband and you, and she is just manipulating more because of it. You should sit your niece down and explain to her about your (immediate) family vacation, have her help you pick out some souvenirs that you will bring back for her, send her some post cards and tell her how when you all go in 2010 she'll be big enough to ride the rides. Good Luck!