Am I a Witch with a B??

[letterdavidman]

Ok some of you followed my story about my grandmother, she was mentally ill and I did everything I could until finally she was treated. After she was treated they recommended she not live alone and wanted her to go into a home. She is not ready for that, she's able bodied and the meds are taking care of the metal issues. So instead I took her in, she lives with us and here is my issue.

Here is the *THING* she does laundry all day long until there is none left to do, with five of us we do generate a bit so there is normally at least a load or two a day BUT they are small and COULD wait. After she does the wash she just leaves it in each room (mine, sons, daughters) in other words she does not put it away. This might sound stupid but after I have worked all day MAYBE I do not want to come home and put the laundry away.

So here is where I might be a huge Witch with a B, I am so frustrated that she does not do ANYTHING else to help out. She does not clean up at all. I asked her to clean the bathroom today while I was mopping the kitchen. She came out in less then two minutes. When I went in it was still filthy.

I asked her what she did and she said she rolled the toilet paper up and picked a piece up off the floor.

I have issues with the house staying clean but I have had to let it go a bit because I am tired when I get home. When I was a SAHM Ya, I had all day to clean and I loved it. But I just don't know, is it TOO much to ask that she be helping out here???

Honestly is this me???? Would you be annoyed you took in a relative who sat on the sofa all day until bed time?

Honest answer? It's you.

You were the one to decide to take her in, and all that might have entailed. If it's now too much of an issue for you, the wisest and most civil thing to do, in that particular situation, would be to put her in a really good nursing home/retirement community. If this thought makes you blanch, then I'd suggest granting her a whole lot of leeway, since you are the one who is more adept, at this point, to deal with life's daily stresses, work and all.

Believe me, she's earned the right to a little less work and a little more r. and r. Also, I was under the impression that she was your guest, and not the "help", as it were.

 

[dustysky]

Just to be a little clear because when I typed the first post I wasnt very clear.
I would NEVER ask or expect her to get down and scrub the tub or toilet, what needed to be done today was simply picking up a towel, close the shower curtain and neaten up some of the bathroom products on the counter.

We would also like it if she put her dish in the dish washer like we do instead of sitting it in the sink, simple stuff.

I swear to you guys I am not a monster who took in my 74 year old grandmother to *put her to work*.

I did ask for oppinions and I thank you guys for being honest, I will take every word in and do my best to be ok with how ever this turns out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I just changed this post after reading your post that just came thru!

Yes, it must be hard to have an elderly grandmother living with you!

However, seeing how you have described the situation, I do think that you have to look very realistically at what is going on. If your grandmother is simply unwilling/able to do these things the way you would like, then you will either have to accept that, or to consider assisted living.

Coulda/Woulda/Shoulda will only breed anger and frustration.

Once again, the way you described the change in your grandmother, I still wonder if the meds she is taking are causing the lethargy/apathy/etc....

HUGS!!!

 

[dustysky]

Honest answer? It's you.

You were the one to decide to take her in, and all that might have entailed. If it's now too much of an issue for you, the wisest and most civil thing to do, in that particular situation would be to put her in a really good nursing home/retirement community. If this thought makes you blanch, then I'd suggest granting her a whole lot of leeway, since you are the one who is more adept, at this point, to deal with life's daily stresses, work and all.

Believe me, she's earned the right to a little less work and a little more r. and r. Also, I was under the impression that she was your guest, and not the "help", as it were.

The biggest issue is her insurance will not pay for assisted living. It will pay only for a bottom line, low grade nursing home and as I said she is not ready for that. Her problems with living alone are mental not physical.
Even if I am frusterated (and I will learn a way to not be) I will not have her in the typr home they would pay for her to be in.

 

[dustysky]

Ohhhh, so true!!! It must be VERY hard to have an elderly relative living with you...

However, the OP was not just venting... She actually expected her grandmother to clean the family bathroom.

Again, pick up a towle, close the shower curtain and wipe down the counter.
which I ended up doing after washing the kitchen floor and much more.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Just to be a little clear because when I typed the first post I wasnt very clear.
I would NEVER ask or expect her to get down and scrub the tub or toilet, what needed to be done today was simply picking up a towel, close the shower curtain and neaten up some of the bathroom products on the counter.

We would also like it if she put her dish in the dish washer like we do instead of sitting it in the sink, simple stuff.

I swear to you guys I am not a monster who took in my 74 year old grandmother to *put her to work*.

I did ask for oppinions and I thank you guys for being honest, I will take every word in and do my best to be ok with how ever this turns out.

Not to be rude or derogatory to your grandma...

but it could be like asking a young child to do something.

If I send my 4yo into the bathroom and say clean it up--she will walk in...maybe pick up one thing...shift something over...and then walk right back out. If I asked her if she cleaned it up--she would say "Yes." B/c in her mind she did what she thought she was asked to do.

You may need to be quite specific if you need her to help out.

"Please pick up your towel in the bathrooom and hang it on the rack".

I get annoyed with my kids--b/c I expect "pick up your toys" to be specific enough. My hubby is constantly reminding me to be more specific.

The more specifc you are--the easier your instructions are understood and you will yield a desired result.

Your grandma may just not understand any longer a generic request to "clean" anything.

 

[iloveboardwalk]

Okay, I just changed this post after reading your post that just came thru!

Yes, it must be hard to have an elderly grandmother living with you!

However, seeing how you have described the situation, I do think that you have to look very realistically at what is going on. If your grandmother is simply unwilling/able to do these things the way you would like, then you will either have to accept that, or to consider assisted living.

Coulda/Woulda/Shoulda will only breed anger and frustration.

Once again, the way you described the change in your grandmother, I still wonder if the meds she is taking are causing the lethargy/apathy/etc....

HUGS!!!

I doubt that very much. I had an elderly relative living with me and the extra mess and clutter associated with having someone in the house all day can be annoying. It's not that she expects it...it's just hard.

 

[dustysky]

Not to be rude or derogatory to your grandma...

but it could be like asking a young child to do something.

If I send my 4yo into the bathroom and say clean it up--she will walk in...maybe pick up one thing...shift something over...and then walk right back out. If I asked her if she cleaned it up--she would say "Yes." B/c in her mind she did what she thought she was asked to do.

You may need to be quite specific if you need her to help out.

"Please pick up your towel in the bathrooom and hang it on the rack".

I get annoyed with my kids--b/c I expect "pick up your toys" to be specific enough. My hubby is constantly reminding me to be more specific.

The more specifc you are--the easier your instructions are understood and you will yield a desired result.

Your grandma may just not understand any longer a generic request to "clean" anything.

She does seem so child like now, again thank you for making me THINK about all of this with more objective.

 

[teacherforhi]

Again, pick up a towle, close the shower curtain and wipe down the counter.
which I ended up doing after washing the kitchen floor and much more.

This just sounds like backpedaling to me. In the OP, you said you went into the bathroom and it was "still filthy". So one towel on the floor, an open shower curtain, and a simple wipedown constitute "filthy"?

If she is at a point in her life where she is unable to live independently, then I think you should take the help she gives and be thankful. Honestly, do you think she likes having to impose on someone who seems to find fault with everything she does?

 

[dustysky]

This just sounds like backpedaling to me. In the OP, you said you went into the bathroom and it was "still filthy". So one towel on the floor, an open shower curtain, and a simple wipedown constitute "filthy"?

If she is at a point in her life where she is unable to live independently, then I think you should take the help she gives and be thankful. Honestly, do you think she likes having to impose on someone who seems to find fault with everything she does?

Yes that happens to be filthy to me, I like my house clean, possably more so then the average person.
And when did I say I found fault in everything she did? Dont put words in my mouth.

 

[letterdavidman]

I think the OP is just venting a little bit. It is HARD to have an elderly relative living with you. There is a lot more than logistics involved, there is a whole lot of guilt and emotion all rolled up in to it.

Hey, no doubt. (And I do very much know of which I speak!)

My elderly father has lived with the wife and I since my mom passed away back in 2002, and, believe me, Dad and I have always had some major issues, and this situation has, of course, only added on more issues, BUT--when all is said and done, it is up to me to bite my tongue, look the other way, etc., because:


-He is my Dad
-I was the one who suggested the current living arrangements, not him
-I'm almost forty years younger than him and, no matter what, life, at this point, is easier for me to deal with than for him to deal with.

Another thing the OP might consider (and I'm being serious)--therapy.

And, as I stated previously, if it ultimately becomes too much for her to deal with, then, for the good of all concerned, she must make the decision to make other living arrangements for her grandmother.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, pick up a towle, close the shower curtain and wipe down the counter.
which I ended up doing after washing the kitchen floor and much more.

Yes, sorry about how that post came off!!! You can see that I did change that post after I read yours that had come thru as I was typing!

Please see my revised post.

You mention that her reasons for not being able to live alone are not physical but are mental. To be honest... These two things are entertwined together as one. A person may be physically able to do something, but sit on the sofa all day due to depression, old age, side effects of meds, etc...

You can't assume that because she is physically able to walk and to lift her arms that she is generally able to successfully maintain household tasks.

She is no more able to maintain things in your house than she would be in her own house.

She is there because she is facing difficulties and limitations. No matter what they are.

 

[MoniqueU]

I would leave granny alone. Sounds like she is doing the best she can.

 

[dustysky]

Another thing the OP might consider (and I'm being serious)--therapy.

I will do that, as I am sure all of you know it is not as simple as a short post on the DIS, there is always so much to every story and this one is long and deep.
Thank you all and I do mean all of you.

 

[letterdavidman]

The biggest issue is her insurance will not pay for assisted living. It will pay only for a bottom line, low grade nursing home and as I said she is not ready for that. Her problems with living alone are mental not physical. Even if I am frusterated (and I will learn a way to not be) I will not have her in the typr home they would pay for her to be in.

That is unfortunate (and one more reason for me to loathe insurance companies).

Still, it's up to you to be the "adult" here, and get past it (and, no, I'm not trying to say that you're being infantile, just that, as people enter into old age and start to lose their independence, they also seem to regress, to varying degrees, back to childish/-like behaviors, and, since we're more able-bodied and -minded, we ultimately have to look past it, and find other ways to vent or people to vent to).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The reason she is living with you is because she could NOT take care of herself properly.
You have lost sight of that.

It is very common to get "angry" with elderly people for being sick, not doing what they should, etc....
That is why nursing homes are full. People reach a point at which they cannot cope with the added stress to them. At some point you just can't do it. Their needs outweigh your abilities.

What you are talking about is things that are "annoying". Yea, you don't like laundry in the rooms and she sits on the sofa all day.

Don't be passive-agressive....Accept her for who she is or send her to a nursing home. It doesn't get easier.

 

[teacherforhi]

Yes that happens to be filthy to me, I like my house clean, possably more so then the average person.
And when did I say I found fault in everything she did? Dont put words in my mouth.

Well, she does laundry too often and then has the audacity to not put it up. She didn't pull the shower curtain closed properly. Or is it when she sits on the sofa doing nothing? You don't approve of the way she puts her dish in the sink instead of the dishwasher. So, name one thing that she does right?

I stand by what I said. This woman, for some reason, is incapable of living on her own. She can't afford an assisted living center, so she goes to stay at her granddaughter's house where she seems to be able to do nothing to please you. Honestly, do you think this is the way she envisioned her life turning out? Do you think it makes her happy? She tries to help out and this is what she gets.

 

[poohandwendy]

Ok some of you followed my story about my grandmother, she was mentally ill and I did everything I could until finally she was treated. After she was treated they recommended she not live alone and wanted her to go into a home. She is not ready for that, she's able bodied and the meds are taking care of the metal issues. So instead I took her in, she lives with us and here is my issue.

Here is the *THING* she does laundry all day long until there is none left to do, with five of us we do generate a bit so there is normally at least a load or two a day BUT they are small and COULD wait. After she does the wash she just leaves it in each room (mine, sons, daughters) in other words she does not put it away. This might sound stupid but after I have worked all day MAYBE I do not want to come home and put the laundry away.

So here is where I might be a huge Witch with a B, I am so frustrated that she does not do ANYTHING else to help out. She does not clean up at all. I asked her to clean the bathroom today while I was mopping the kitchen. She came out in less then two minutes. When I went in it was still filthy.

I asked her what she did and she said she rolled the toilet paper up and picked a piece up off the floor.

I have issues with the house staying clean but I have had to let it go a bit because I am tired when I get home. When I was a SAHM Ya, I had all day to clean and I loved it. But I just don't know, is it TOO much to ask that she be helping out here???

Honestly is this me???? Would you be annoyed you took in a relative who sat on the sofa all day until bed time?

You took in a mentally ill person who cannot live on their own. Surely you can see, this is part of the illness. (even with medication) If it is too much for you, and trust me, it IS too much for most people...I think I would suggest finding alternate arrangements elsewhere.

It's hard, I know.

 

[dustysky]

That is unfortunate (and one more reason for me to loathe insurance companies).

Still, it's up to you to be the "adult" here, and get past it (and, no, I'm not trying to say that you're being infantile, just that, as people enter into old age and start to lose their independence, they also seem to regress, to varying degrees, back to childish/-like behaviors, and, since we're more able-bodied and -minded, we ultimately have to look past it, and find other ways to vent or people to vent to).

Very true and that is why even with the little bit of heat I am getting from some replies I am still glad I posted this, it is truly making me think a bit more clear.

Sometimes it just takes a view from someone outside the situation and that is what I have gotten.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hugs!
Yes, sometimes it does help to step away from personal situations like this and see things from other outside viewpoints!