Am I a Witch with a B??

[dustysky]

Ok some of you followed my story about my grandmother, she was mentally ill and I did everything I could until finally she was treated. After she was treated they recommended she not live alone and wanted her to go into a home. She is not ready for that, she's able bodied and the meds are taking care of the metal issues. So instead I took her in, she lives with us and here is my issue.

Here is the *THING* she does laundry all day long until there is none left to do, with five of us we do generate a bit so there is normally at least a load or two a day BUT they are small and COULD wait. After she does the wash she just leaves it in each room (mine, sons, daughters) in other words she does not put it away. This might sound stupid but after I have worked all day MAYBE I do not want to come home and put the laundry away.

So here is where I might be a huge Witch with a B, I am so frustrated that she does not do ANYTHING else to help out. She does not clean up at all. I asked her to clean the bathroom today while I was mopping the kitchen. She came out in less then two minutes. When I went in it was still filthy.

I asked her what she did and she said she rolled the toilet paper up and picked a piece up off the floor.

I have issues with the house staying clean but I have had to let it go a bit because I am tired when I get home. When I was a SAHM Ya, I had all day to clean and I loved it. But I just don't know, is it TOO much to ask that she be helping out here???

Honestly is this me???? Would you be annoyed you took in a relative who sat on the sofa all day until bed time?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, if the relative was an elderly grandmother with 'issues', then I do not think that I would expect too much from them.

Also, I would rather not have somebody going into the rooms and dressers and closets. To me that is private territory. I would be happy to find some clean folded laundry waiting to be put away.

PS: To me, I just wonder if there is something 'theraputic' about folding clean laundry. Seems like I have heard of this kind of thing before. Helping by doing some laundry also seems a LOT easier and simpler than bending and scrubbing cleaning showers and toilets with chemical fumes, etc....

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

As far as the laundry--if the loads are small..why can't each person put away their own clothes. I'd be in heaven if I didn't have to do laundry. Putting clothes away is cake (and if she is doing it daily--that is maybe one outfit or two per person...you can easily teach the kids to put away their clothes).

As for the rest....Perhaps she is doing the one thing she knows howto do and maybe cannot do the rest. I don't know.

But my sister had this trouble with her MIL--who is on disabilty for a heart attack she had ages ago...but cannot seem to lift a finger to wipe up a coffee ring after spilling her coffee (as an example). She is totally able bodied...wasn't expected to scrub floors--but couldn't pick up after herself. Well MIL finally lives on her own once again.

So if it is laziness--then know I don't think you are being witchy (except you are being petty on the laundry).

However--without knowing what she is capable of doing--it is hard to say.

 

[Evil Genius]

She is doing what she thinks she can do best and what she feels comfortable doing. She is not a child to give chores to. You haven't said her age or if she has other health issues.

I wish I had a grandparent that I could help out in this way.

 

[micki7337]

I'd be thrilled if someone did my wash and left it for us to put away. There are 5 of us and I just can never get to the botton of it. If you don't want to put it away everyday, just have her put it in a clean laundry basket in your room. Then you can put it away at your leisure. Maybe there is something else in your home she could help you with other than the bathrooms. I know I get sqimish if I have to clean the kids bathroom!

Why not just ask her what else she'd like to do? Maybe even ask her if she can help prep dinner or run the sweeper. I'm beating she just doesn't like bathrooms!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I also would be considering two things.

1. Is she truly as able bodied as you think?
2. Could the meds be causing fatigue, apathy, lack of motivation, etc...

 

[RitaZ.]

Honestly is this me???? Would you be annoyed you took in a relative who sat on the sofa all day until bed time?

I don't know the specifics of your situation. I will give you my opinion based on your post. It sounds to me like you're expecting "payment" for taking her in.

When my mom visits, she likes to help with the laundry. She even likes to put it away, which I've told her not to do. My kids are not incapacitated in any way, there is no reason they can't put their laundry away. They don't have a maid, in me or anyone else.

How old is your grandmother? Does she get out at all during the day? Maybe you can help her find some activities that she might enjoy doing with people her age. If I was home all day with only chores to do, I would probably go into a deep dark depression.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

I would LOVE to have someone do my laundry, or any of my cleaning for that matter!

Since she might have mental issues, maybe your request to clean the bathroom was too broad. Maybe you can ask her to do specific things, like wipe the sink. She might be overwhelmed by trying to think of specific things to do. It sounds like laundry may be something she can do easily. So, if you need to have her help clean I would recommend being more specific in your requests.

 

[iloveboardwalk]

Dustysky, you could be describing my mother in law, except she doesn't really have any medical issues at the moment. She is a huge clutter bug and that just bugs me to no end. She'll come and spend three of four nights with us, which is fine, the kids love it. But, while she's here, she'll just wash and wash and wash and wash, etc... I find piles of folded clothes all over my bed when I'm ready for bed to be really irritating. It's not that I want to do laundry, but criminey, enough already lady, give my machines a break. Plus, she "hunts" for laundry, I have to hide it from her. I think it's an addiction.

Plus, she doesn't fold the way I like....and she folds things that should be hung and hangs things that should be folded. It's just as much work for me to "fix" her laundry excessiveness as it is for me to just do it my darn self. On top of that, after she leaves, I have to clean up all her clutter because she gets offended if I do it while she's here!

I feel your pain, girl. It doesn't seem like it should be something to complain about and I bet you're like me, it doesn't make you mad, per se, it's just a little annoying.

 

[mickey mouse lover]

I haven't read your whole story you are referring to, but my heart goes out to you.

My Mother had to come live with us after her dementia got too bad for her to live alone. It changes a lot in the household. I stayed home with her constantly unless I had a babysitter. At times, I felt like I was in prison. Things will get worse. I hate to tell you that, but that's just the way it is. You have to bite your tongue alot and realize they don't know what they're doing.

My Mother lived with us for two years until the doctors told me that my health wasn't going to hold up to it. So, I had to put her in a nursing home,which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

All I can say is, be patient with her, and realize this is not the same Mama that you grew up knowing. I know if she's like my Mama, she would never want to bother you at all.

I'm sending some pixie dust your way.

 

[miss missy]

I don't know... I am thinking she has been doing stuff her whole life, let her relax. I can't see having her do anything around the house. Treat her like a guest and let her take it easy. If she wants to do the laundry, let her.. but maybe putting it away is too personal, you know going into others draws is kinda not cool. I think you are being too witchy yes, and I think there is something pissing you off that your not saying... like are you resentful that she is there? I don't know, sounds that way to me. JMHO

 

[mickey mouse lover]

Sorry, I looked at your post again, and it's your grandmother instead of your Mother.

 

[shirleyb]

Hey, my rule with laundry, which was also my mom's, is I do the laundry, you put it away. I put the clean clothes on top of my kids' dressers, and expect them to put them away.

As far as helping out, I don't know what she's capable of doing. That's something you would know better than us.

 

[Lanshark]

Would you be annoyed you took in a relative who sat on the sofa all day until bed time?

This statement makes it sound as if she should be indebted to you and therefore work off her room and board. I don't believe this is what you meant but I would be thrilled to have someone do my laundry and leave to for me to put away. On the other hand, I wouldn't be too thrilled about someone else living with me. I'd do it because it was necessary but I would find it intrusive.

This may not be the best living situation for either of you. Are there any alternatives. It sounds as if you are frustrated in general and there are more underlying things that are bothering you than the laundry.

 

[dustysky]

I haven't read your whole story you are referring to, but my heart goes out to you.

My Mother had to come live with us after her dementia got too bad for her to live alone. It changes a lot in the household. I stayed home with her constantly unless I had a babysitter. At times, I felt like I was in prison. Things will get worse. I hate to tell you that, but that's just the way it is. You have to bite your tongue alot and realize they don't know what they're doing.

My Mother lived with us for two years until the doctors told me that my health wasn't going to hold up to it. So, I had to put her in a nursing home,which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

All I can say is, be patient with her, and realize this is not the same Mama that you grew up knowing. I know if she's like my Mama, she would never want to bother you at all.

I'm sending some pixie dust your way.

Thank you for this, I have to say your reply has me crying. After reading this I think you see something I didnt, I do keep thinking back and saying "god she was NOT like this before". Thank you.

 

[dustysky]

I don't know the specifics of your situation. I will give you my opinion based on your post. It sounds to me like you're expecting "payment" for taking her in.

When my mom visits, she likes to help with the laundry. She even likes to put it away, which I've told her not to do. My kids are not incapacitated in any way, there is no reason they can't put their laundry away. They don't have a maid, in me or anyone else.

How old is your grandmother? Does she get out at all during the day? Maybe you can help her find some activities that she might enjoy doing with people her age. If I was home all day with only chores to do, I would probably go into a deep dark depression.

I do NOT expect payment, however she is NOT a guest she lives here, I am no more her maid then she is mine which is why I am frusterated by her lack of help.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, she does live there. But, she is your grandmother. I am assuming from this fact alone that she is getting older and that she has issues, as you have mentioned. I still suspect that her meds are causing lethargy and apathy.

I am not sure that you have realistic expectations???

If she is physically and mentally expected to be able to do this kind of household work, then she could/should be living on her own.

I guess that I would not be expecting my grandmother to do a whole lot. (The cleaning the bathroom thing kind of got to me... That is not 'helping out' or 'picking up after ones-self'... that is a major household chore, especially if there are other familiy members - who are able bodied- who use that as their bathroom)

If she is unable, or unwilling, to do this kind of work, then she should be in assisted living.

If you are unable and resentful of helping to care for your grandmother, then you should consider an assisted living alternative.

 

[RitaZ.]

Lori, you asked for opinions. I'm only giving mine based on what I read.

Again, how old is your grandmother? Does she have any physical limitations? You can't compare the physical energy of a young woman to that of an older woman. My mom is in her 70's. While she is healthy and energetic, she can't move at the same pace and do things as quickly as I can.

Good luck with your situation.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I do NOT expect payment, however she is NOT a guest she lives here, I am no more her maid then she is mine which is why I am frusterated by her lack of help.

I guess we don't understand the arrangement then.

Just b/c she lives there doesn't exactly make her capable of helping.

If she could live on her own just fine--then I would expect help...but if her options are your home or assisted living....then you must realize she has limitations.

Your job is to figure out what she can do---and then guide her to do that if she is able and you don't want to be her maid.

This is why having someone live with you as their last resort to assisted living is so tough--they may do lots of things that frustrate you. They don't necessarily mean to do that.

My sister's MIL--she can totally live on her own and was the prime example of laziness when she lived with her. Now she lives on her own once again.

 

[iloveboardwalk]

I think the OP is just venting a little bit. It is HARD to have an elderly relative living with you. There is a lot more than logistics involved, there is a whole lot of guilt and emotion all rolled up in to it.