Am I a 'too mean' parent?

[I'mNoPrince]

I won't DD13 have a Myspace account but she has everything else. Cell,text and Im on both her laptop and desktop I just got back up and running.
Parental blocker keeps anyone from IMing her unless they are on her list and she has to ttell me who each one on her list is I keep a note on who's who.

But I love it as I have a program the tracks every IM and chat that she does.

I don't read them word for word but skim through them for anything that concerns me. She doesn't know how deep I go into tracking but is aware hats I have full parental care and tracking on her computers.

My biggest problem is finding ways to bring these things of concern up without spilling the beans of the tracking going on.

I love when they write don't forget to delete your history or one even had her go in and make sure I wasn't logging her Aim.HAHAHA the jokes on the as it's in a stealth mode that they will never find it's hidden so deep.

We also had the problem with another girl getting her Password from a third party that was over the house.I went to the mom that had an issue and explained that it did not come from DD's computers and she was home at the time and not logged in. It cleared that up real fast and also let me explain the importance of kepping your passwords secret.

 

[shirleyb]

My teens (15 and 17) both have their own cell phones, but aren't allowed more than a few texts a month because the cost can really add up. They know their cell phones are for MY convenience, not theirs. They pretty much use them to let me know when they'll be home from track meets or football games etc, when the teams are playing out of town.

They are allowed to IM, but are restricted to either an hour a day on the computer, or if their grades are not meeting our standards, then it's an hour a week on the computer. The computer is in our dining room, and I'm always asking who they're IMing. DS17 could care less about the IM, but DS15 is much more social and would be on it for hours if we'd let him.

 

[mamacatnv]

To the OP - nope, not mean - you are the parent you get to make the decisions.

My DS is now 17 and a Jr. in HS.
We let him have a computer in his room with internet when he started HS. He also got a Myspace at this time, that I still monitor. We added the IM when he was a Sophomore.

We got him a cell when he was in 6th grade (12 yrs old) for our convenience. Over the years we have let him have more and more freedom as he has earned it (grades/behavior).
When he was a Freshman, we added some text minutes and additional talk minutes. Over the years we have increased him to where he now has an unlimited text plan and enough voice minutes to cover his use.

With maturity came increased freedom for him.

DD 8 wants it all and has none and won't for a long time!

 

[MichelleVW]

I don't see anything wrong with IM's. Neither one of my kids do much IMing (is that a word??)

I'd rather they be on the computer IMing than burning up their text and cell phone minutes.....

My girls are both good students and their IM habit doesn't take away from anything else so I'm not worried about it.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

These are really personal decisions and it's really up to each of us as parents to figure out our own rules that work for our kids and our household.

My older boys (13 and 16yo) do have IM (as did my college DD) and for them it's really a form of communication like the phone used to be for me as a teenager. I do have to watch the time IMing, though, and have limited my 16yo, esp when he's doing homework (13yo limits it himself). My older 3 kids all have cell phones and that's as much for me as them. None have computers with the internet in their bedrooms (well, my DD does, but not until she was in college). They also don't have TVs in their bedrooms--we have plenty of TVs elsewhere in the house.

These rules work for us and I trust that everyone will make rules that work for their families. I sure don't sit in judgement of people who are stricter or more lenient about this sort of thing. How nice that there are all kinds of "right" ways to do things.

 

[Atlantic]

NO you are not a mean parent, you are a responsible one!

DON'T MESS WITH MOM

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefu lly,!
I c ouldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't careif I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch ! instead .
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

 

[Pigeon]

Yeah, you are "too mean." Me, too, and I'm proud of it. No IM, text messaging, or cell phone for my poor, deprived children.

 

[MrsPete]

I have to agree with several others: IMing and text-messaging are pretty much the same thing -- only the hardware differs. In my book, text-messaging is worse because kids can do it anywhere, anytime; for example, they love to do it during class, which is an absolute no-no.

I love IMing myself, but I use it to chat with out-of-town family -- no problems with inappropriate material between me and my sister-in-law!

 

[kbkids]

My kids do have a TV in their rooms, but honestly, they rarely turn it on. They'd much rather be playing with their Nintendo's. But, one computer in our house, and it is out in the open. I don't have IM set up on my computer, and don't intend to at this point. DD is dying for a cell phone though, and I refuse - she's 10 years old - I just don't see reason for one - and it will be several years away before she gets one too.

 

[va32h]

My daughter is 11 and has no cell phone, no computer of her own, and no interest in either of those things. I don't plan on giving her any of those things anytime soon either.

So if you are a mean mom, I must be an ogre!

If she needs to type up a paper or research something online, she can do it on my computer, and she has never been anyplace where some adult wasn't present with a phone, if she needed to call someone.

Most of us managed to survive through adolescence without the means to communicate with our friends every second of every day. These kids will survive too.

 

[ohiominnie]

Dd is almost 13. We recently upgraded our plan to get her a cell phone. She shares it with her 10 yr old brother. They are both in theater, so it's nice for them to be able to get ahold of me if they need to. We got it at a time when they both had rehearsals on opposite sides of the city at conflicting times. Of course, now that time is over and I still have the bill!
More than anything they both like it b/c it takes pictures!

As for IM's. My dd has gmail, and there is chat in there if you know other gmail people. Right now her best friend has gmail too and they talk a good bit. I'm going to have to become more strict as it's starting to become an obsession and they plan their times "I'll be back at 6:00....make sure you're here." Well then poop hits the fan when we're sitting down to eat at 6:00 and she can't chat.

The good thing is, gmail logs chats and I've been able to glean a little information about what's going on in her world. Not all good. Mostly obsessions with crushes. But also comments made about other people that are just inappropriate. I think dd and I are going to have a little weekend trip here soon so we can talk about some things. Of course, I'll approach it as "as you get to be this age kids usually have concerns with....." I will not approach it as "I was reading your chat logs and I'm horrified at what you said...."

So you are not a mean mom. We need to protect our kids. There's a lot of evil out there that wasn't there when we were kids.

 

[Pam]

Every parent has to decide for themselves what they think is best for their child.

Some kids need more limitations and restrictions than others.

 

[nsyncraider17]

Disclaimer: I'm only 20 and I don't have any kids, so I realize my opinion basically means nothing and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to parent or criticize anyone's decisions.

But I really don't get why parents are so paranoid about IMing. I started using AIM when I was a freshman in high school I think because a lot of my friends used it. By the end of the year pretty much everyone I knew had it, and we still use it to talk now that we're in college. I've never been into chat rooms or trying to meet random people or anything like that, so I've always just used it to talk to my friends who I actually know, with the exception of a few people from the DIS when I used to post on the teen board a lot. You can set up your privacy so that people not on your buddy list can't IM you or see your profile, and you can block specific people. I used my family's computer, but as far as I know, my parents never went out of their way to read my conversations... if I left them open they might look to see what I was talking about, but I know they didn't have any of the hidden stuff to see every word I was saying. My friends and I just use AIM as a form of communication... it's free, and easier than calling people, for me anyway.

I never even thought of it as a way to get in trouble. I guess I probably talked about things that I wouldn't have talked about in front of my parents, but seriously... did everyone live completely public lives when they were kids? I can't imagine that no one ever tried to whisper on the phone in their room or write notes to their friends that they didn't want parents and teachers to see. And most of it is harmless stuff about who likes who and whether the cute boy in homeroom will ask you to a dance or something, or it was for me anyway. It just seems like teenagers will gossip about this stuff anyway at school and on the phone, so I don't understand why IM is so much worse.

 

[MichelleVW]

Disclaimer: I'm only 20 and I don't have any kids, so I realize my opinion basically means nothing and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to parent or criticize anyone's decisions.

But I really don't get why parents are so paranoid about IMing. I started using AIM when I was a freshman in high school I think because a lot of my friends used it. By the end of the year pretty much everyone I knew had it, and we still use it to talk now that we're in college. I've never been into chat rooms or trying to meet random people or anything like that, so I've always just used it to talk to my friends who I actually know, with the exception of a few people from the DIS when I used to post on the teen board a lot. You can set up your privacy so that people not on your buddy list can't IM you or see your profile, and you can block specific people. I used my family's computer, but as far as I know, my parents never went out of their way to read my conversations... if I left them open they might look to see what I was talking about, but I know they didn't have any of the hidden stuff to see every word I was saying. My friends and I just use AIM as a form of communication... it's free, and easier than calling people, for me anyway.

I never even thought of it as a way to get in trouble. I guess I probably talked about things that I wouldn't have talked about in front of my parents, but seriously... did everyone live completely public lives when they were kids? I can't imagine that no one ever tried to whisper on the phone in their room or write notes to their friends that they didn't want parents and teachers to see. And most of it is harmless stuff about who likes who and whether the cute boy in homeroom will ask you to a dance or something, or it was for me anyway. It just seems like teenagers will gossip about this stuff anyway at school and on the phone, so I don't understand why IM is so much worse.

I'm twice your age, and I totally agree with you. I didn't have IM's or text messages when I was a kid, but I know for a fact that I was alot worse than my girls are now!!

I'm the bad mom that will text my daughter during school... but I know she has it on silence and it's usually just an, "I love you" or "do you have practice after school" and she gets back to me on her breaks between classes....sometimes she will (omg!!) go to the bathroom during class just so she can call me and tell me she loves me, and how can you get mad about that?? If my 16 year old tells me she loves me a few times a day, I must be doing something right...

Back to IM's...My 16 year old will have 5 or 6 DIFFERENT IM's going on at the same time and I just sit there with her in amazement on how she keeps them all straight....she doesn't care that I read them, so obviously she doesn't have too much to hide...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DD does not have texting on her cell phone...we are just horrible.

Seriously your house, your rules. What works for some does not work for others.

 

[MichelleVW]

DD does not have texting on her cell phone...we are just horrible.

Seriously your house, your rules. What works for some does not work for others.

You hit the nail right on the head....your kids...your rules...and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!!

 

[va32h]

It's not that I think IMs are "bad" - I just think it isn't a necessity. I don't even have IM myself. School friends are seen every day, and can be called after school or on weekends. If someone else is using the phone - well that's a valuable life lesson called give and take. I'm not going to get my child IM just to spare her the agony of having to wait her turn to use the phone.

Just like cell phones, TVs in their room, their own computer - they don't need these things, and in some cases haven't asked for them, so why introduce it?

 

[makinorlando]

You hit the nail right on the head....your kids...your rules...and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!!

Right, and it does not make those of us who allow are kids to use these things irresponsible.

My whole life revolves around the technolgy that keeps us connected, my work involves phone, cell phone, computer and even our corporate IM, so to me these things are an integral part of life, All of our family is out of state so we use all methods of communication with them.

My DD10 has had a cell phone since she was 6, to her it is a way of life the novelty wore off long ago, not a new gadget like many of her friends who are just getting them. On a recent field trip 6 of the girls were flashing their cell phones around all day. DD had her's tucked neatly in her pocket -just in case she wanted to take a picture with it or during lunch she used it to listen to some tunes. I was with her so no need to call anyone!

DD has free access to the computer, and at her request it is in the family room - it had been in the guest room - but she felt too far away from me when she wanted to be on the computer.

She has email, and has several pen pals. She loves to research things on the internet, and the one time that she was searching for something harmless in "Google Images" - she came across quite a nasty photo, and she came to me right away!

She does little IMing at this time, just some experience with the messaging in VMK which is pretty well monitored and the dictionary limited - although kids (or maybe grown ups) do find ways to say things they should not, but they will ban folks for that.

She has a TV in her room, but more often than not she sleeps in my room (also with a TV!), so as you can see my DD is never very far from me!

DD is VERY open with me - it's just the two of us, and she knows as long as she does not break my trust she will have certain privileges. If that trust is ever broken she will lose them.

That's how it works in our house!

 

[cruisnfamily]

I don't see anything wrong with IMs. Unless you've had personal experience with a problem, I don't see why not allow it, with supervision.

DD14 has computer access (myspace and IM) but the computer is in a public room and we've very much in and out of the room. DS11 has a computer in his room. He also has IM but doesn't use it much(I imagine that may change in middle school) BUT he's a totally different kind of kid than DD. He'd probably prefer his was in the main part of the house but we were out of places to put computers and all he does is toontown, webkinz and the like so his went to his room. DD has asked time and time again to have hers in her room but we won't allow it as we know with her crowd it would be inviting problems. So we keep it all out in the open.

When she wanted myspace and all the moms/dads were saying "we don't allow myspace" all those kids had myspaces behind their parents backs. We allowed DD to have one with the condition that it be made private and we started our own myspace and monitor hers(and her friends as well) on an almost daily basis. She knows how quickly she will lose it if it's abused. We've had to have her delete comments and friends from her page for inappropriate language and the like and she complies immediately as she knows she'll lose it if she doesn't

If you're allowing texting, I don't see why you wouldn't allow IMing. It's the same basic thing but it's free. DD has a cell phone and a text package but it's pretty easy to go over on those texts without realizing it and it really adds up.

Anyway, just my opinion. As somebody above stated "your kids your rules" and "my kids my rules" which pretty much sums it up.

 

[chobie]

You're not a "mean" mom for not allowing it and I'm not a "bad" mom for allowing it.