Am I a 'too mean' parent?

[swanmom]

No, seriously. My DD (13) is furious that we have decided she cannot have IM on her computer. She has a cell phone, email and can text message but we decided that we didn't want to 'open the door' to IMing. After talking to other parents, they pretty much all said that they were sorry that they allowed it to start - it seems to be nothing but trouble - too much time spent, inappropriate posts, impersonating others etc. She insists that "her friends aren't like that." I say for just about all kids her age (middle school) it just brings in trouble. Any comments?

 

[disykat]

LOL! My 14 year old shares the family computers, doesn't have his own email address, and doesn't have a cell phone.

 

[MAKmom]

I ming & texting is the same thing. It just cost more to text. I hate it.
Everything you said is true about it. DD12 was getting crazy from it. We have stopped it for the most part. We took her off for a month & she was back to being a nice kid again. I let her check to see if someone is on to ask them something for 10 min here & there. I only do this becauce these kids do not know each other phone #s. It is crazy. I am getting her to start collecting phone #.

 

[Narnian_Princess]

She should consider herself lucky that she has cell phone and text messaging. IM is totally unnecessary. It was pretty much a requirement that I have it during WPASADI, but it can be such a pain. How can you get any schoolwork done when you're trying to type to someone? Stick to your guns. She doesn't need it.

 

[cats7494]

I must really be a mean parent!! dd13 does not have her own cell phone nor do I allow her to IM.

 

[luvdzny]

When DD was younger she IM'd all the time, it was the way all of her friends communicated. She only "talked" to people she knew and we never had any problems with it. She is 18 now and still occasionally will log on to catch up with kids she does not see very often. I don't see a problem with it at all. What kind of problems have your DD's friends had?

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

No IM's in this house, either.

 

[Goofyluver]

You are soooo mean for caring about and protecting your daughter! How DARE you!

 

[Pinkprincessmom]

My dd is only 6...well 7 next week. DH and I have talked about what we will do as she gets older. Luckily, DH is in IT, so she won't be able to get away with anything.

Our current plan is to have the computer out in the open so we can always see what she is doing. If we do IM, we will require her to save all of her conversations. We will let her know that we will periodically check IM's and websites she has been visiting. If anything inappropriate shows us, her privileges will be revoked. School work must be finished first.

Granted, this is our plan. I'm sure we'll be implementing it way sooner than we think. We may have to modify things, but I believe in letting her know we will be checking up on her computer activity. I wouldn't want to do it without her knowing.

Best of luck to you.

 

[SydSim]

When you're on a site that IM's, can't people that don't know you "IM" you, and it's up to you whether or not you want to respond. Or, are the only people that can "IM" you the ones that have already been added to your buddy list?

For some reason, I thought that strangers could initiate an "IM", but you then had to add them to your list in order to "IM" back and actually converse.

I don't allow DD to IM because I thought that strangers could try to talk to her.

 

[kimmikayb]

If you are mean, I must be plain evil. My DD13 does not have her own internet connection, she shares the family computer for that. She does not have a cell phone, so no text messaging. She is able to IM on the family computer but only under supervision with approved people to IM with. So far she hasn't abused the privelage.

 

[swanmom]

What kind of problems have your DD's friends had?

Things like - kids baiting other kids into saying things and then forwarding the info to many others, kids impersonating other kids, kids figuring out (or swapping info on) other kids passwords and posting unkind info in their name, kids hiding the fact that there are several kids at the computer - so while you think you're talking to one person confidentially, you actually have an audience of many.
Your DD is 18 and that's only 5 years difference from my DD but I really think it's gotten pretty vicous out there.
Turthfully, I just can't figure out what is the real good side of IMing.

 

[kimmikayb]

She should consider herself lucky that she has cell phone and text messaging. IM is totally unnecessary. It was pretty much a requirement that I have it during WPASADI, but it can be such a pain. How can you get any schoolwork done when you're trying to type to someone? Stick to your guns. She doesn't need it.

I thought IMs were agaisnt the rules for WPASADI??

And you made a good point, there was something on tv the other day about kids not getting their school work done because they were getting too many IMs.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Good for you OP! you are not a mean mom!!!!

 

[Pinkprincessmom]

When you're on a site that IM's, can't people that don't know you "IM" you, and it's up to you whether or not you want to respond. Or, are the only people that can "IM" you the ones that have already been added to your buddy list?

For some reason, I thought that strangers could initiate an "IM", but you then had to add them to your list in order to "IM" back and actually converse.

I don't allow DD to IM because I thought that strangers could try to talk to her.

I think this depends on what IM service you use. I only get IM's from people on my buddy list. My buddy list only consists of family and a close friends. Right now DD is able to IM her daddy while at work using my IM program.

OP...I did not answer your original question. You are NOT too mean a parent. DD will never have a tv or computer in her room. I don't know at what age we'll get her a cell phone. I'm sure at some point she'll think we're the meanest parents around!!

 

[LMCT88]

Hi,

Just wanted to add there are ways to block people from iming you, so that you only get im's from people on your buddy list. I have 2 teenagers who im (sorry they ever got started with it), we monitor them as we have the computer right in the living room. We have also told our children about people who try to talk to kids and how dangerous it is to give out any information. Hubby is in law enforcement (so he stresses this often). I would just keep an eye on her if you decide to allow it. There are also good programs you can put on your computer such as "Net Nanny", which blocks and filters inappropriate material you may not want her too see. I have found in this day this is how kids are communicating with each other (it's sad, but I guess that is modern technology). I also tell my children should there grades suffer, or if they are not behaving that I will pull the internet all together. (have done that in the past). Hope this helps. Good Luck with your decision.

 

[Lorix2]

I uninstalled IM fairly recently taking it away from my almost 15 y/o DD. It was too addictive for her and she spent every waking moment on it and being too secretive led me to find something I'm glad I did and intercepted.

No more IM's or myspace in my home ever again...that doesn't make you or me a bad parent at all, if it makes us uncomfortable and having uneasy feelings about it, it's our right as parents to not allow it.

It's been a couple of weeks now and I actually feel my DD is relieved that she doesn't have it anymore, no more drama with friends and no pressure to keep up with every one else.

NOw this computer is right in the kitchen where we can see what's going on and I haven't had an issue with her again.

Stick to you're guns OP!

 

[believe]

I have set my DDs (9 and 6) up on IM. It is great for them to send a quick question to me before school, etc. Their list is limited to only those we add. Right now it is just DH, myself and their other sibling on their list. Our computer is in a public area. I can see when they are logged in.

You are not a bad parent. My DDs don't have a television in their room and have been informed that we will not be paying for them to have cell phones, they can borrow one of our's if there is a need. Everyone has to do what is right for their family.

I know my DDs and if they found out someone lied or 'twisted' their words, etc...they wouldn't be im'ing anymore. That is just they way they are.

 

[kellyg403]

I allowed IMing for a little while, then had to stop. DD was putting people on her buddy list...friends of friends of friends that lived 15 states away. I happened on to a conversation one day that turned my hair grayer than it already was and needless to say no IM anymore. Kids are too trusting. If it is a friend of a friend of a friend then it must be o.k.

OP, I am just as mean as you. Oh well, at least we know our dd's won't be talking to strangers if we can help it.

Kelly

 

[candykisses]

My DS13 would love to live at your house.

He doesn't have cable TV in his room, no phone in his bedroom, no cell phone and the computer is in an open area.