Am I a 'too mean' parent?

[Tigger&Belle]

You're not a "mean" mom for not allowing it and I'm not a "bad" mom for allowing it.

Yep, that was my point, too. Everyone needs to figure out the rules that work for them, their children, and their family. So many right ways to parent!

 

[disykat]

I must have missed all the judgement people seem so up at arms about. People are giving their opinions. I always seem to miss something. Why are people so adamant about defending themselves when no one has said anything negative?

 

[Planogirl]

I think that some people read an inference in some DISers' posts that they don't allow certain things and that makes them good parents. In other words, one could read that as the reverse being true; i.e. allowing these things is a sign of bad parenting.

Personally, opinions don't bother me. Our son has TV and cable in his room and uses the Internet when his parents aren't home from work yet. I can easily monitor his Internet use if I need to but I don't worry too much because he's a great student and has given me no reason to doubt him. it works for us.

As for IM, I'd probably allow it but he's shown no interest in it just yet. If he does, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

[ktbutterfly2011]

I'm 14 and in 8th grade.

I have a cell phone,unlimited texting, email, IM, Xanga, and Live Journal.

No Myspace.

My "computer" stuff never gets in the way of my grades and I maintain a 4.0.

I do alot of theatre, therefore my friends are from all over the place. My 4 best friends houses range from 45 minutes away, to 20, to 5 to 2. IM is a must.

I do different things with all of my friends. My bff Cassie, Phone all the way. My bff Mackenzie, Live Journal and IM. My Bff Breana, IM and phone. My Bff Tony, Email.

It never has caused any problems for me. Mom says I spend a little too much time on the computer but she doesn't really care. Our computer is in a computer room. They come in whenever they feel like and read what i'm typing or emailing. It doesn't matter to me. I've got nothing to hide.

 

[shortbun]

My 12yo does not TM, IM, email, talk on the phone or even care about any of it so far. I am so thankful. For a while he was asking about an email address. I said, use ours. It never happened. Some of his friends were emailing and the Moms put a stop to it when one of the boys started 'stalking' their daughters. lol! "Stalking!" Oh well, glad my kid wasn't involved and he seemed glad too.

 

[kristen821]

My kids aren't old enough to IM but I hope they realize that everything they IM can be printed and showed to who ever they may talk about. In Jr High we used to make 3 way calls and purposely try to get the other person to talk bad about the one on three way. I always knew to keep my mouth shut on the phone because you never know. Just please let your teens know to be extremely careful about what they say. Teenage years are enough drama without IM's and text messages

 

[swanmom]

This has been really helpful. I knew that there would not be a unanimous opinion but it was valuable to hear about the real-life experiences of others. It was also great to see that, when there has been a lot of talk that DIS threads can get overly judgemental, scarcastic or downright mean, this one didn't. There were a lot of different opinions but all were expressed thoughtfully.
Thanks everyone.

P.S. I know I'm not a 'mean' mom but maybe more on the cautious side than some others. I guess DD will have to live with it............I think she'll survive.

 

[zurgswife]

Ok...

Breakdown at my house.

DD 16...cell phone,(no texting); TV, DVD, Computer in her room, IM'ing...usually just her dad...they are weird-separated by a set of stairs but they have these great political discussions via IM.

DD 14.. cell phone (no texting); TV, DVD, computer in his room (shares with brother); Can IM but doesn't; Our church has set up a "MySpace" type site so he uses that to connect with friends

DD13..Cell phone (no texting); TV, DVD, Computer in his room (shares with brother); He IM's

DD9...Cell phone (no texting); Nothing in room. Uses the family computers in office.

Originally we had just one cell phone for the kids. Then my 3rd child with DX with diabetes; we got the next 2 phones for saftey reasons. When my youngest child also we DX with diabetes we got the 4th kid cell phone.

 

[taximomfor4]

to answer the OP's question, I do not think you are a mean mom for protecting your dd. My dd13 does IM, but on the SHARED computer, which I have to log her onto (she doesn't know the Windows password!!) I also go over her buddy list with her. It is not a problem for us at all -- she did it quite a bit over Christmas break (only allowed to IM with actual real-life friends and relatives), but otherwise rarely does it at all.

As for cell phones, she has one now because we got rid of the home phone altogether. She is only allowed to talk on it at 9pm and on weekends (when it's free) unless calling a friend in our network. And NO TEXTS. She is excellent about that, as well.

It all comes down to what you, as a parent, are comfortable allowing. Do your mean best, mom!

Beth

 

[Tiggeroo]

I do think you might be too strict on this. Alot of times I see parents afraid of a technology so they just ban it. I know alot of parents will say they wish they'd never ok'd it. But parents say this about everything, even getting the dl. They really wouldn't have forbidden it. Better to go with a provider who limits who can im you to your buddy list. Check her buddy list, set ok times for IM, occasionally watch what she's saying, etc. Monitor it. This is a big way for kids to communicate today. You wouldn't like for somebody to tell you not to talk on your phone or cell, the adult equiv.

 

[MichelleVW]

I do think you might be too strict on this. Alot of times I see parents afraid of a technology so they just ban it. I know alot of parents will say they wish they'd never ok'd it. But parents say this about everything, even getting the dl. They really wouldn't have forbidden it. Better to go with a provider who limits who can im you to your buddy list. Check her buddy list, set ok times for IM, occasionally watch what she's saying, etc. Monitor it. This is a big way for kids to communicate today. You wouldn't like for somebody to tell you not to talk on your phone or cell, the adult equiv.

I agree with you...but they aren't my kids, so whatever she wants to do is fine by me.....but I do hear my kids complain about thier friends that don't have email or IM's...

 

[Tiggeroo]

yeah that's my point. If you are completely different then the other kids you are ostracized.
But it's easy to say, since my kids are older. There were things I didn't let them do that everybody else did. Parenting decisions are personal. The op asked so i posted my thoughts.

 

[bluesaturn]

I also am not a parent, but I just wanted to respond to posters that said it was not IM was not neccessary. Now yes I agree it is no way a "need". But in my personal situation, I went to a private middle school and high school. Almost all my friends lived over a half hour away. There was no playing outside in the neighbor after school for me. And I obviously couldn't drive so I saw my friends maybe every few weekends when our parents wanted to drive us somewhere. For me AIM was really the only way I connect with my friends after school (and at school we had a 25 minute lunch - not alot of time to chat). I didn't want to be on the phone all night, and I think multitasking while on AIM is easier than multitasking while on the phone. Teenagers want to talk with their peers, it's a natural urge, and this was the most practical and convenient way to do so. With the amount of after school activities kids have these days, there isn't alot of time for just hanging out, so AIM makes it possible to virtually spend time with your friends, while still spending time at home with your family.

Hope that made sense. I always felt AIM was a convenient tool. Any "drama" I had with it is the same stuff that would have happened over the phone, in passed notes, or in talking behind people's backs in person. Human nature is still the same as it was when our parents were young, we just have new and different tools.

 

[eliza61]

No, seriously. My DD (13) is furious that we have decided she cannot have IM on her computer. She has a cell phone, email and can text message but we decided that we didn't want to 'open the door' to IMing. After talking to other parents, they pretty much all said that they were sorry that they allowed it to start - it seems to be nothing but trouble - too much time spent, inappropriate posts, impersonating others etc. She insists that "her friends aren't like that." I say for just about all kids her age (middle school) it just brings in trouble. Any comments?

No you're not mean at all but mean or not, you're the mom. My kids throw all kinds of comments at me from "you're mean" to the ultimate " I hate you" when they're really mad. When I decided to become a mom that meant being responsible for their safety. Like I always tell my teenage sons, I'm their mom, not their friend.

 

[chager]

DS12 has a cell, myspace, and IMing. The cell is more for us to reach him. The myspace and Im are for him to chat with his friends, but ONLY ones he knows personally. One school friend and him chat everynight while they do their homework. It frees up our phone. (How my parents ever lived with me being on the phone all the time I'll never know!!) He doesn't have text on his phone and it is blocked from receiving them too. Too expensive, and not needed. If someone really needs to talk to him they can call! He has a laptop but it only is internet capable in the living room. His bedroom doesn't have a hook up. He does a tv in his room, has since he was 4. Best place for him to play the video games! I monitor his emails and his Iming. He is honest to a fault about what goes on in both. If something is said he doesn't agree with or if he perceives a real problem with a friend he talks to me about it.
This works for us. However I am very positive it wouldn't work for everyone. We had to be very careful with a child that we has temp. gardianship of. He didn't have the good sense to tell right from wrong and very often would be caught not doing the right thing online! I don't know what he is allowed to do now that he is back home again.
Each parent must decide on their own what is allowed. Just because it is different then someone else doesn't make you better or worse. Just different!

 

[chobie]

I must have missed all the judgement people seem so up at arms about. People are giving their opinions. I always seem to miss something. Why are people so adamant about defending themselves when no one has said anything negative?

I don't see anyone up in arms about it. However, the Op did make the comment that "I say for just about all kids her age (middle school) it just brings in trouble" and that combined with other people telling her she is not being a mean mom for "protecting her daughter" and combined with the general tone of any disboard thread about parenting, one might interpret those comments to mean allowing IMing means you are not protecting your children and/or are inviting trouble. And since the Op is asking for people to judge her as a mean parent or not, it does kind of open the door to other people judging parenting based on this issue.

But anyway, Tigger and Belle said it best: "Everyone needs to figure out the rules that work for them, their children, and their family. So many right ways to parent! "

 

[Jaclynfett]

You're not a mean parent at all. They do need boundaries and will appreciate it one day.