Advice welcome dealing with son & his school ***HE'S BEEN MOVED!***

[Mouse House Mama]

 

[Magic Mom]

Wow, Lori, you took some huge steps. That must have been so hard for you. Your son is lucky to have you as his champion.

 

[Tigger2252]

My DD16 was diagnosed with ADHD and mild Tourette's Syndrome in 3rd grade. I had requested she repeat 2nd grade as she wasn't "getting it", especially in reading and math. By 3rd grade it became apparent there was an issue. She was tested and diagnosed and I made the decision to use medication. It made a significant difference in her ability to control herself during the day. Over the years she has changed medication a few times, and currently takes Strattera due to the Tourette's. I choose to use the medication during the school week and during the school year. When she isn't in school she doesn't take it.

She has always struggled with math, english, and social studies. Math because she has a hard time understanding it, and the other two because of the quantity of reading involved. In order to assist her with her social studies, I read all of her text book assignments to her. She has no trouble understanding what I read, it is just the sheer number of words on a page that can overwhelm an ADHD child. Naturally as she has gone through middle and high school she is required to read books for English. This is extremely difficult for her but we break it down into small sections. Reading a set number of pages per day. I read the book as well so that after she is done I can tell if she actually understood it.

If your son is struggling in social studies it may be the reading involved. ADHD kids generally hate to read, and social studies can be a dry subject for kids. Maybe reading a little at a time with breaks between will help him.

My daughter stays after 1-2 afternoons a week with her math teacher for extra help. Last year she needed to pass the state Regent's exam as a graduation requirement so I hired a tutor to come to my house 1 afternoon a week. She passed the exam so it was well worth the expense.

If your school offers after school help, take advantage of it. My daughter has a 504 plan, but I have had to be vigilant to make sure that it is followed. Now that she is a Sophmore, I have made her become more proactive with her plan. If the teachers aren't meeting her accommodations I have her go to the guidance office and follow up.

Having a child with ADHD has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, but whenever she hits a milestone, passes a test, or gets a good grade in a class it is that much sweeter.

Stay strong!

 

[Minniemama350]

As a mom of an ASD kid and a teacher and a former special ed para, let me agree with others who have said you need a change of method.

I'm not sure if Sylvan can help. More work doesn't mean you get it better. If disability is the issue, you don't need more, you need different delivery(no, I'm not saying put him in Special.). Some kids need help with brain mapping(how your brain learns). This can be accomplished with OT sessions and at places like LearningRX (not the same as Sylvan). I don't know if this is right for your son, but it is a different way that you could try. It is intensive and does have a price attached that would require commitment of time and money.

Good luck.I know this is hard.

 

[torinsmom]

She has always struggled with math, english, and social studies. Math because she has a hard time understanding it, and the other two because of the quantity of reading involved. In order to assist her with her social studies, I read all of her text book assignments to her. She has no trouble understanding what I read, it is just the sheer number of words on a page that can overwhelm an ADHD child. Naturally as she has gone through middle and high school she is required to read books for English. This is extremely difficult for her but we break it down into small sections. Reading a set number of pages per day. I read the book as well so that after she is done I can tell if she actually understood it.


Stay strong!

I don't know if this is an option for you, but my ADD son has the same problem with reading. For his reading assignments, we checked out the CD or tape from the library. It takes just as long(or longer)to listen to it being read as it does to read it, and he retained the info much better. None of his teachers ever cared. What was even nicer was that we both listened to it on the 30 minute drive to and from his school. So, I heard the book too. This was nice when he needed help with an assignment or paper about the book. If I could just get his Civics and Biology texts on CD, that would make life even easier!

Marsha

 

[IDoDis]

OP, you sound like a truly wonderful mother. Your son is very blessed to have you and your DH! Sounds like you are heading in the right direction of leaving no stones unturned.

In your last post, you mentioned about the re-evaluation and you stated "What am I fighting for?" I understand what you meant, and want to clarify that a special ed placement does put your son on a different track for learning. It is not a place where kids go to get "caught up." That's what tutors are for. Special Ed provides a service to children with learning disabilities who learn differently and often have a different curriculum. The math curriculum my district uses for special ed students is different than what the general ed classes use. It covers just the basics and gets the students to a place where they can do math and function, but they may not ever reach grade level standards because their curriculum is self-paced. It moves at a slower speed so "catching up" is not usually what happens. Just wanted to clarify that for you because if your son is able to possibly do the regular math with extra tutoring, you should be all means try to keep him on that track. Not saying it will be easy, but it sounds like his teachers feel it is a goal he can attain once he's able to focus and listen better.

Good luck to you and Dylan!

 

[surfgirl]

OP, thanks for the update. I can't imagine the stress and guilt you are putting yourself through... but one of our most important jobs is to be an advocate for our children - and it sounds like you are doing that! Lots of small successes (one day at a time) will build up to big successes.

Glad to hear that the principal sounds great. Seems like he is definitely on 'your side'.

good luck

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I know you're reeling right now but I just wanted to lend my shoulder. Yes, meds are a tough decision (it took me a year to accept the fact that I needed to give them a try) but because Dylan's 12, he'll be able to help with the search for the right med by being able to voice how he feels when he takes them. He'll be able to say "I don't feel any different with this dosage" or "This one made me feel weird". Do watch for side effects and don't be afraid to request a change - Brandon was on Ritalin for all of two weeks before he was switched to Concerta and on Concerta for nearly 5 years when he started to develop tics and so was then switched to Adderall. But when you find the right one .... well, it just broke my heart when, at the end of a day in which I forgot to give him his pill in the morning, my son asked me to not forget again because he really felt a lot better when he takes it. He was in second grade at the time.

Meds are now a struggle between me and my son because his obnoxiously ignorant father and soon-to-be-ex-stepmother "know" that he doesn't need it. They don't go to the doctor appts. They don't go to the counseling appts. They didn't get the almost daily phone calls from the teachers. They didn't have to scramble to find a new pre-k when he got kicked out of one because they "didn't have the resources to deal" with him. But they "know". So now they have my son convinced that he doesn't need his meds and, lo and behold, he's having issues in school again! Dylan is so very lucky to have both parents on the same page.

I would really suggest getting a tutor for math right now. My son's school has a program where there are certain 8th grade students who are picked to "buddy" some of the younger kids and tutor them on a few subjects. That might help get Dylan to "catch up" in math. It could just be that he can't focus in math class (getting frustrated because you don't understand what's going on makes it that much harder) in which case the meds will help him focus and he may be able to get it after all. He may not really need to be placed in special ed.

Which leads me to say that having an IEP in place doesn't necessarily mean that the student is taken out of main-stream classes. My son does really well in math & science (getting him to show/record his work is a constant struggle) but he just tanks in reading and writing. All of his classes are main-stream, his IEP just gives him some protection (the option of dictating a report rather than write it out; the ability to go to the behavior support room when he feels overwhelmed and frustrated; a little bit more time to take standardized tests) and some daily, trackable, per-class goals (keeping hands/feet to himself; actively participating in class; turning homework in on time; etc). Getting that IEP was probably one of the best things for him.

Anyway, the next few months are going to be emotionally exhausting. Just stay strong by keeping in mind that you're doing the very best things for your son.

 

[robinb]

I think this is a blessing is disguise. It really brought the mama bear out in you and you are energized to do what you need to do to help your son. Even if it means doing the previously unthinkable .

FWIW, you might be able to find some kind of cheat sheets for the math. My 5th grade DD has been learning Everyday Math which flummoxed me (BS in Computer Sciences) and my DH (MS in Computer Sciences). Not only did I take 3 semesters of calculus in college but I also had to take 3 more classes post-calc! I tried to help my DD do simple addition and subtraction a couple years ago but it was like we were talking different languages! I finally tracked down a cheat sheet which explains the methods of calculating the answers and we were both on the same page.

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

Congratulations, Lori. It sounds like you had a productive start. I've given teacher advice to try to answer your questions. Now, I want to share fellow mom advice. Go with your mommy gut. Whatever you are feeling as a mom, let that guide you. I think that will help you focus on what you are fighting for and make the decision with your family about the meds.

Debby

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sending hugs!

And, I just wanted to say, again, do not simply 'jump on the ADHD med bandwagon'.

At this point, I continue to recommend a full and thorough evaluation.
I do think it is possible that you son could be affected by learning disabilities, anxiety, etc... more than just ADHD alone.

You are on the right track!!!!
Hang in there!

 

[LMC]

thank you for the link, I will definitely visit. I've updated my post and just do you don't have to read thru my new long winded post, we have decided to start medication. I realize now we need to try it.

Just please please please remember that it may take a few different trials to get the right medication. My ADD son tried 3 different meds before we got the right one. My ADHD son tried Adderall and it was disasterous (he was very agressive and combative on it so beware) and then went to Focalin XR and it has been a godsend. He was put on 1 yr ago at age 8 and was diagnosed as severe ADHD. He takes 3 doses per day (1 focalin, 2 ritalin) to keep him under control and people would still probably think "that kid needs some ADD medicine". His conduct improved immediately and his grades went from C's to A's before the end of school last year. Just remember, it may not work on the first medication but hang with it. Also, you may need to see if the doctor wants to send a letter to the school for any reason during the adjustment period for them to be required to work with him. My sons teacher was wonderful and when we tried to change last spring (because the focalin wears off by 1pm) she knew we were doing it as it was a disasterous two weeks but she understood. He went right back to Focalin and we toyed with things from there.

 

[Lorix2]

*****************Update 10/26/09**********************

I just typed a very long update and my wrist hit a button and I lost the whole thing! GRRRR!

My last meeting with the principal was last monday the 19th. He told him our son was facing the wall since the 2nd week of sept and that we wanted him turned around as that was an unusually long punishment and that's most of the reason my son will disrepect her, because he feels removed from the class and it's hard for him to keep turning around to see the board, take notes etc...he agreed and said it would be done right away.

We also addressed the "jerk' comment. He said that would be dealt with also.

He never called me to follow up on the seating.

Dylan had a great week and the teacher that put him on the wall told him on thurs that if his behavior kept getting better then she'd move him NEXT week. I said no way, I'm calling the school in the morning. He begged me not to because she was being "nice" to him. He wanted to wait until today to see what happens. Against my better judgment, I gave in and let Dylan see for himself.

I talked to the GC at his school earlier this morning and she had no idea what was going on with Dylan, she was angry about the seating and took a walk to see for herself and sure enough, he was on the wall and told the AP about it and suggested I follow up with her and the principal. She is wonderful and told me that she wants to see me friday to revise his 504 and that I should always call her to help advocate for him and that she will make sure these things do not happen again, etc..

After our pedi visit today (which went well, need connor forms completed, then she said we'll talk meds), my Dh took me aside and said that Dylan asked the teacher to move him today, as it was "next week" and she said "no". Whhaaaat!!!!???? You have heard me from the moon I was so furious!

I called the principal and asked him if he was aware that dylan was still on the wall and he said no, he wasn't and I asked why he didn't follow thru and I couldn't believe that his employee would disregard his orders to do this and he said he saw dylan seated normally when he checked and then I asked him which class he saw him in and it wasn't the one! Then he said well I did tell her to move him. I said if you saw him seated normally, why would you tell her to move him? that doesn't make sense to me and you know what? I want my son moved IMMEDIATELY and he is never to be put against the wall in the future as punishment again, are we clear? He then asked "is he medicated yet?" I couldn't believe my ears!

I said what the hell does that have to do with what I am telling you! I didn't even give the man a chance to speak and I said, regarding the "jerk" comment, I have to ask if that was addressed at all and he said it was and that the comment was "misconstrued - but it was inappropriate". I don't care if was misconstrued, the fact she publicly called him a name is unacceptable! Who the hell is running this school anyway? I don't like the fact you didn't follow thru with our requests and just assumed it wasn't true since you went to the wrong class and that you didn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call! Being in the position you are in, I expected a lot more from you. I want the seating addressed NOW. He said the teachers were gone for the day, but he would in the morning. I said "thank you!" in a huffy tone and hung up.

I'M SO DISGUSTED! I don't want to give "this" teacher a connors form! She'll make it look like he's off the charts with behavior! I don't want to give her that opportunity to make it look as though he MUST be medicated to please her!

The GC suggested I go to the supt of schools and I think I might do that. But at this point, if he is moved back tomorrow, what will come of my complaining them, I mean really, what can I expect to happen?

Feeling even worse now....

I'll update after my meeting with the GC on friday the 30th.

 

[OceanAnnie]

*****************Update 10/26/09**********************

I just typed a very long update and my wrist hit a button and I lost the whole thing! GRRRR!

My last meeting with the principal was last monday the 19th. He told him our son was facing the wall since the 2nd week of sept and that we wanted him turned around as that was an unusually long punishment and that's most of the reason my son will disrepect her, because he feels removed from the class and it's hard for him to keep turning around to see the board, take notes etc...he agreed and said it would be done right away.

We also addressed the "jerk' comment. He said that would be dealt with also.

He never called me to follow up on the seating.

Dylan had a great week and the teacher that put him on the wall told him on thurs that if his behavior kept getting better then she'd move him NEXT week. I said no way, I'm calling the school in the morning. He begged me not to because she was being "nice" to him. He wanted to wait until today to see what happens. Against my better judgment, I gave in and let Dylan see for himself.

I talked to the GC at his school earlier this morning and she had no idea what was going on with Dylan, she was angry about the seating and took a walk to see for herself and sure enough, he was on the wall and told the AP about it and suggested I follow up with her and the principal. She is wonderful and told me that she wants to see me friday to revise his 504 and that I should always call her to help advocate for him and that she will make sure these things do not happen again, etc..

After our pedi visit today (which went well, need connor forms completed, then she said we'll talk meds), my Dh took me aside and said that Dylan asked the teacher to move him today, as it was "next week" and she said "no". Whhaaaat!!!!???? You have heard me from the moon I was so furious!

I called the principal and asked him if he was aware that dylan was still on the wall and he said no, he wasn't and I asked why he didn't follow thru and I couldn't believe that his employee would disregard his orders to do this and he said he saw dylan seated normally when he checked and then I asked him which class he saw him in and it wasn't the one! Then he said well I did tell her to move him. I said if you saw him seated normally, why would you tell her to move him? that doesn't make sense to me and you know what? I want my son moved IMMEDIATELY and he is never to be put against the wall in the future as punishment again, are we clear? He then asked "is he medicated yet?" I couldn't believe my ears!

I said what the hell does that have to do with what I am telling you! I didn't even give the man a chance to speak and I said, regarding the "jerk" comment, I have to ask if that was addressed at all and he said it was and that the comment was "misconstrued - but it was inappropriate". I don't care if was misconstrued, the fact she publicly called him a name is unacceptable! Who the hell is running this school anyway? I don't like the fact you didn't follow thru with our requests and just assumed it wasn't true since you went to the wrong class and that you didn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call! Being in the position you are in, I expected a lot more from you. I want the seating addressed NOW. He said the teachers were gone for the day, but he would in the morning. I said "thank you!" in a huffy tone and hung up.

I'M SO DISGUSTED! I don't want to give "this" teacher a connors form! She'll make it look like he's off the charts with behavior! I don't want to give her that opportunity to make it look as though he MUST be medicated to please her!

The GC suggested I go to the supt of schools and I think I might do that. But at this point, if he is moved back tomorrow, what will come of my complaining them, I mean really, what can I expect to happen?

Feeling even worse now....

I'll update after my meeting with the GC on friday the 30th.

I'm really sorry for what you and your DS are going through!

All I know is I would want my child removed from the class where he has been against the wall since the beginning of school. That would be a priority. The teacher told your son she'd change the seating the next week (which was not what the principal told her -- supposedly on his part). She didn't follow through. And it was wrong in the first place!

The problems you listed are troubling.

 

[FayeW]

Are you able to show up in person at the school in the morning? I would be marching the principal directly to that class immediately.

I would also be lodging a formal complaint with the school board against the teacher and the principal.

 

[torinsmom]

OP--first, if you ever hit a button and delete what you wrote again, you can usually click on edit up in the left hand corner of your monitor and then choose UNDO. It has saved me a lot of times.

I think your DS needs to be removed from that class(the one where he has been against the wall) The teacher obviously is not willing to meet your son's needs. You may need to take your complaint higher than the principal. I would suggest putting it down on paper. That way, it may come out as less emotional. Not that you don't have a right to be emotional, but you want to come off as calm and determined vs. irate and ranting.

Second, I believe only one teacher has to fill out the Connors scale. I would give it to the teacher you feel would be most objective. They should have you fill one out too(maybe one for you and one for your DH)

I'm sorry things are not getting better.

Marsha

 

[Lorix2]

OP--first, if you ever hit a button and delete what you wrote again, you can usually click on edit up in the left hand corner of your monitor and then choose UNDO. It has saved me a lot of times.

I think your DS needs to be removed from that class(the one where he has been against the wall) The teacher obviously is not willing to meet your son's needs. You may need to take your complaint higher than the principal. I would suggest putting it down on paper. That way, it may come out as less emotional. Not that you don't have a right to be emotional, but you want to come off as calm and determined vs. irate and ranting.

Second, I believe only one teacher has to fill out the Connors scale. I would give it to the teacher you feel would be most objective. They should have you fill one out too(maybe one for you and one for your DH)

I'm sorry things are not getting better.

Marsha

Thank you Torinsmom, I didn't know about the undo button.

Faye/Torinsmom - I have decided to take my complaints to the supt of schools because I truly believe the principal dropped the ball and the treatment my son has endured is unacceptable and they need to know what's going on in that school.

 

[surfgirl]

I think the suggestion of putting down things on paper is a good one. Even if you do it as 'talking points' without writing a formal letter.

It will help you remain more objective and less emotional. Not that emotional is bad - I would be after the stuff your ds is going through, but the supt will see it as 'emotional worked-up mom'. Keep it to the facts, ma'am and I believe you will have more success.

Also, can you make it a conference call and include your husband ? Or if you meet with the supt, your husband attends ? I find that school administration listen when husbands attend meetings. Drives me insane, but has helped my success rate.

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

I like the talking points idea to help you keep focused. I suggest using email for a paper trail. I would ask the principal to reply via email. I am not confident he will. If he does, then you force his hand to follow up and have documentation for the superintendent as needed. I would give him one additional opportunity to rectify the situation prior to going above him, and I would tell him as much.

Use the advocate you have in the school to help you. This might also redirect the noncomplaint teachers anger/ frustration onto the GC and he/she might know how to "work" those teachers.

Keep us updated! Debby

 

[Lorix2]

*********ANOTHER UPDATE******

Can you believe that after I demanded my son be turned around from the wall on Monday, on Tuesday it still hadn't been done??

I had left a voicemail for him at 11:00AM to follow up. At 2:15 my Dh called me to tell me he was not moved. As I hung up with him, the principal called and told me that he did observe my son seated that way today and he will be moved "tomorrow" meaning today. TOMORROW??? YOU MADE HIM WAIT YET ANOTHER DAY? WHO THE HELL IS IN CHARGE OVER THERE? HOW DARE YOU IGNORE MY REQUESTS WHEN WE ASKED 9 DAYS AGO TO HAVE HIM MOVED AND YOU AGREED!!! DO I HAVE TO TAKE THIS MATTER UP WITH THE SUPERINDTANT? He said there's no need to threaten him all he could say was that he will be moved and that he "doesn't discuss matters in front of the students" and I told him he could have easily pulled her outside and told her to move him. I told him I was extremely frustrated with his lack of concern and how my son is being punished by his staff member and I expected much more from a man in his position and he was a coward!

The other teacher who made that comment and this teacher will "face discplinary action" but he cannot tell me because it's not my business!

today my son's seat was moved. I told the principal that she'd better not take her reprimand out on my son. Well, he tells me that someone was whistling and she said "Dylan! that'll be 2 strikes and a detention! and he told her it wasn't him. She didn't believe him. At the end of the class a girl went up to the teacher and told her is was her, not Dylan. Dylan had bolted out of the classroom because he was so mad. The girl found him and told him that the teacher wanted so see him and that she had admitted it wasn't him. Dylan said he didn't want to talk to the teacher and the teacher told her the strikes would remain then!!!!!!! He went the asst principal and she made him right an apology to the teacher for refusing to see her but he would not serve the detention. I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT I'M SO LIVID.

Now she's just provoking him. He says she told him out loud that she wouldn't have moved him if it were up to her.

I did speak to the superintendant's asst who asked if my son's seat had been moved or did I want to email him about the situation anyway. I saved my email to a draft for future reference and this will go on there too.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE THIS STOP??????