Advice welcome dealing with son & his school ***HE'S BEEN MOVED!***

[golfgal]

Hi everyone, I want to thank you all for encouragment, advice, opinions and constructive criticism - I truly appreciate every word.

We have not medicated him because I fear the long term effects on his brain have not been studied. I'm afraid of him being dependent on stimulants all of his life..what if we ween him off and he seeks other forms as a teen to cope? What if he's a zombie at school and the kids pick on him?

What is your experience before and after medicating please?

It sounds like your son is having a very, very difficult time in school and you are not helping him by refusing medication. Your son is obviously not able to handle the day to day workings in a classroom. ADD/ADHD medications have been around for over 40 years, I think you need to do more research because your fears are unfounded. You are doing a great disservice to your son by expecting him to do something he is not capable of doing-sitting still and paying attention in school all day long.

As far as the teacher calling your son names, it may very well have happened but until you get both sides of a story, don't automatically assume what your child is telling you is correct--you could be in for a big embarrassment if you go to the teacher guns blazing.

 

[Lorix2]

My son had a similar (but milder) problem in 4th grade. Up until then, teachers acknowledged that my son had trouble paying attention and struggled with the work, but he was a nice kid who was doing the best he could, so they treated him kindly. They hinted about medication and I begged them to address the learning trouble first. Neither of us would "give in".

The 4th grade teachers were absolute nightmares! My son was devastated, mostly because he just wasn't used to being treated that way. So, feeling like the worst parent in the universe, I put my son on medication. I HATED doing it because of them.

It got the teachers off his back, my son was happier going to school. His work gets done. His grades have stayed the same but he's no longer needing help from me, so that is improvement. He still isn't doing anywhere near the kind of work I think he can do.

Two years later, I am still conflicted about the medication, but my son is doing fine so I tell myself to knock it off. He only takes medication on school days and we have not had any bad side effects.

I know how hard these things are. I'm so sorry.

This was our experience exactly in 4th grade too and felt they didn't want to help or like him until he was medicated. I'm glad to hear your (and everyone else here who's child has been helped by meds) son is doing so much better and hope we will get there with mine soon too.

 

[Lorix2]

It sounds like your son is having a very, very difficult time in school and you are not helping him by refusing medication. Your son is obviously not able to handle the day to day workings in a classroom. ADD/ADHD medications have been around for over 40 years, I think you need to do more research because your fears are unfounded. You are doing a great disservice to your son by expecting him to do something he is not capable of doing-sitting still and paying attention in school all day long.

As far as the teacher calling your son names, it may very well have happened but until you get both sides of a story, don't automatically assume what your child is telling you is correct--you could be in for a big embarrassment if you go to the teacher guns blazing.

I am reconsidering the medication route. You're correct in saying I need to get both sides and it will be dealt with and at the very least I want an apology on both sides for it going this far. I would think I teacher would want to ask the child or the parent what's going on or show some shred of compassion...but I saw just the opposite that it was scary and I believe that she said it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Based on what you have posted, I fully believe that she became frustrated and did say this to your son.

I just have a couple thoughts for you.

First, while everyone is saying 'meds', do not assume that this will be a magic pill. One other poster mentioned Asberger's (Autism Spectrum) and there are variations of this kind disability that can manifest in ways that sound very very similar to the way you describe your son's troubles. Please go for a full and thorough neuro/psych evaluation, and then go from there. If your son has other conditions/struggles that are not simple ADHD, then the meds might not be helpful. Go into this with an open mind about any options/therapies/etc....

Second, meds, or no meds.... I would simply request that my son be removed from this teachers class. This situation, and her frustration and behavior towards your son, are not appropriate and are not doing anyone any favors.... I would not even make a big deal about 'proving' anything or 'making the teacher pay'.... YOUR SOLE CONCERN HERE IS THE WELL BEING OF YOUR SON. Just go in, tell them that your son is having difficulties in this class, that there appears to be some friction/personality conflicts, etc... and that you feel he will be able to make progress with a new start, a new evaluation, etc.... (Yes, the school will offer their own 'free' evaluation... But I would not recommend it. Sometimes you get what you pay for. At this point, I think you might need an outside professional evaluation)

I am not saying to refrain from mentioning this incident. But, do not push this... Keep the primary focus on your child.

 

[jinia]

First, I am sorry. As a teacher, I am embarrassed by your son's teachers. I skimmed the other responses. Frankly, some offended me.
I do not agree that you are dropping the ball. I teach high school English including AP English, and sometimes I struggle with my daughter's 2nd grade homework. (The second grade teachers have "jelly bean" words and "elephant" words. It is a way to mark "talking vowels". If I didn't see her classwork paper to help me, I wouldn't have had a clue as to what she was talking about.)

The 504 works like an IEP; the accomodations must be followed by law. The difference and possibly the reason you might want to fight for an IEP is that you would have support staff to help your son during the school day. Special education teachers typically have patience and kindness. (Not that all teachers shouldn't, but these teachers usually have more.)

If your son can be moved to new classes, that could be the fresh start he needs. As difficult as this is, you mentioned that you are upset with your son. I think he is acting pretty age appropriately. Heck, he is confused;his teachers treat him rudely; his parents are upset. Love him and tell him you are trying to find the best way to help him.


Regardless of which teachers (old or new), I think to go from here you need to have another meeting. Possibly at this meeting you need to have the superintendent included. I would explain that you need the teachers to come prepared with the ways they are currently meeting the 504. (I don't know how the school feels about lawsuits - I am assuming that this is a public school. If it is, you have legal recourse to make them help your son. Not that you want to go here but...) You also want them to explain the redirecting cues that they use to help your son. (They might tap his paper lightly; they might stand next to him; they might place a note on his desk etc.) In other words, what are they doing to help your son BEFORE he acts out. Are they checking for undertanding as he is doing classwork?

Further, although it might be hard to take off from work, schedule the after school math help for both you and your son (or DH). This might be hard for your son to deal with, however. The teacher should be required to help after school - it should be common practice. I am required to be available to help students from 2:30-3:00 unless I have a meeting.

A plan of how the teachers will help your son needs to be cemented before you leave the meeting.

The teacher should be required to help your son get it. I think it sounds like the SS teacher (haha- pun not intended) thinks that your son doesn't care. And it this point, he probably doesn't. Kids will work really hard for teachers who show students that they care about them. The reverse is true too. Kids often can't understand that they are hurting themselves.

[In addition to dream students who live to learn - AP kids- I also teach kids who have no interest (and have difficulty reading) in reading early American lit - and with the exception of nerdy English teachers - who really does? I explain why I want them to read something - read for imagery - I try to make it enticing - "a baby is born through the armpit!!!" When they don't do it, I tell them I expect more from them. I find out why they didn't do it. I tell them they need to do their homework. I want them to do well; I know they can do well. This sounds really ridiculous, but it works for me. The fact that they know that I will stand on my head for them contributes greatly. (I haven't yet, but...)] I love my students - even the difficult ones.

It sounds to me that the teachers see "teaching" as important. They need to see student "learning" as important. (I can "teach" my cat to open the door; I can explain, demonstrate, etc. However, my cat didn't "learn" it.) Likewise, I can teach my class what a comma splice is; it doesn't mean that they "learned" it. I have to make them demonstrate it so that I know they learned it. I might ask them to write a sentence that includes a comma splice and tell them to give it to their neighbor to correct the comma splice. If a kid can't do it, he didn't learn it. It is my RESPONSIBILITY to find another way to explain it or to model it more so he can get it. Some kids need more time methods.

Hopefully, I have given you some sound advice to use (and restored some people's faith in teachers.) BTW, I teach in a high school that has not made adequate yearly progress on the state test for four years now with a large free and reduced lunch population. We are trying- the "teaching vs. learning" analogy is really a shift that is occuring in our school.

Good Luck, Debby

Please keep us updated.

Wonderful advice!
There is absolutely no excuse for a teacher to call anyone at school a jerk! If that is what she said there is certianly no reason to hear the other side of the story! There is no circumstance that I can think of where this would be okay - especially following a meeting such as that one. Good Luck

 

[slk537]

I am so sorry for what you and your son are going through - our 8 year old son has ADHD (we say he has adHd...the hyperactive part is the big one for him!) and had a horrible experience with a teacher last year in 1st grade. We ended up pulling him from the school (it was a small private Catholic school) and putting him into the public school after two weeks and it was like night and day. This year, his 2nd grade teacher is an angel and I wish she could go with him until he graduates.

That said, we still have days where he struggles.

DS is on Concerta and has been for quite some time. In my experience (and everyone is different!!) I see it as something to level the playing field. Imagine a child with a broken leg. You put a cast on the leg (working on behaviors) and you give them some pain medication (positive encouragement). Then you tell them to stand up and walk. They will struggle, they will limp, they will be in pain and they will be behind everyone else. Now take that same child and give them crutches (medication). Suddenly they have the tool to be able to make the cast help heal and the pain meds keep the pain at bay. They are still not completely healthy, but they have the tools they need to have the best shot at healing, walking etc.

I read your post and called DS in...I asked him how he feels about his medication. Other than the taste (sigh) and he doesn't like the color (sigh again...he's all about the details ) he agreed that if he had the choice not to take his medication for school, he still would. He feels how it helps him and he knows what it does for him. It is a time released medication that does eventually leave his system. His personality is still there when he takes it and he really does function better. And I see him getting more mature and self aware as he gets older (he was diagnosed when he was 4 1/2). I hope he can count more on behavior and encouragement as he gets older and less on the meds, but we will keep him on them as long as they help him and as long as he wants them.

I hate to be labeled as one of those "moms who depend on meds" but in his case it has truly been a blessing.

If you have any questions or need to have a good old ADHD mom vent, feel free to PM me. I know DS is younger than your son, but I understand the stress, frustration, and pain you feel for your child. Believe me...I understand~!!

 

[a1tinkfans]

I have to write to get this off my chest...it will be long....

My son (12) started 6th grade. He's ADHD, ODD with anxiety. He has a 504 accommodation.

He's flunking math. He will get really upset about math homework because he doesn't understand some of it. We'd try to help him, but this new math is not how we learned and we've been a bit stumped on some problems. He's stopped trying now and I wrote to the teacher, because messages left at the school for the teacher went unanswered.

I wrote a note to her asking if there was any days that she stays for afterschool help that he could attend.

She wrote that he has plenty of time to work, he doesn't use it wisely, he can be disruptive, argumentative, etc. I will agree. She sent home a self made brochure of her open house cirriculum and policy overview and basically told me to use the Glencoe online parent/study tools at msmath1.net.

He tells me his social studies teacher makes remarks about him loudly to the class "every day".

Yesterday, I noticed I missed a call on my cell and knew it was the school's number. I called back and asked if the nurse, teacher or principal was looking for me and they put the asst principal on and told me that my son had tried to call me because he was thrown out of class for disruptive behavior and that "long forms" were coming home. She asked "do you have 5 minutes or so?" and I said "I'm at work, but I'd like to come in to meet with you", she told me she could us from 12:30 to 1:12 only due to a team meeting unrelated to my son.

My DH and got there and met with her to show us the disciplinary reports from his math and ss teacher. She told us what a good kid he is and that his answers are "mature" when asked why he was fresh and how he's feeling, but something's got to be done about his behavior and she's asked both teachers to join us - that was great, I wanted that.

Both teachers came down together and my DH and I both noticed that they seemed inconvienced at having to get their classes covered and come down to discuss our son. We are sure that is difficult and we know they have classes to be in.

There was only 20 minutes left to our time allowed and quickly everyone was talking over each other, or DH and I to each teacher and then both teachers to each other commiserating about him.

I said "I'm not here to dispute his behavior, I agree with you, but first you have to understand that he really is a very sensitive and smart kid, who embarrasses easily and feels he's being singled out, will react". He's very opppositional and that is who he is. She asked "is he medicated?". I said "well, I'm not even sure if you can ask me that, but no, he's not".

My DH kept trying to tell the math teacher "he's just not getting it" and that my son has told him over and over, "I just don't understand". My DH said and quite honestly, some things I couldn't help him with because I don't know the math that is being taught this new way. She said "Look - I have kids on the 2nd and 3rd grade level doing this math". That was either a dig to my DH or she was telling him that my son is capable or both. She said she constantly has to give him "strikes" for talking out or being disruptive which after 3, is a detention, which he has already served.

I asked her that in the 504, it states that there must be a cueing system with each teacher. I asked if there was one in place for both of them and they said, "the strike system is the cue". I wasn't aware of that and when asking my son about a cue privately at home, he said "what's that?", so there isn't one in place to let my son know discreetly instead of front of the whole class that he needs to stop.

The ss study teacher said "you're not telling me anything I don't know about his behavior and vice versa", so what are we going to do about it? That's when I asked about the cue, just to start. They gave me a YMCA brochure for homework club afterschool. My issue with that is if he's acting up with these two because he dislikes them and the work, then having one more class to go to and be made to homework with someone who isn't even on staff at the school will just fuel his fire. Trust me, I know my son.

The both got up because time was ending and I said "I'm not sure what do to about stopping him from reacting this way, but whatever being done is not working and I assure you we will be on top of what we can be, at home".

The math teacher got a bit defensive and my tone was not and said "you don't want me to give him preferential treatment, but you don't want me to give him strikes either" so....what do you want me to do? I told them, do what you think you need to to disclipine him, but please, never make it personal, he's very sensitive.

The asst principal cut in and said, "we'll work on that, thank you for coming down" then had our son come in. He immediately started to cry and would not listen to anything she tried to say...the principal came in and told him that he sees great potential in him and asked, aside from the fact that you don't like these teachers, what is giving you the most trouble, how can we help you? Dylan just kept covering his eyes and crying saying "I don't know?".

Now we agreed to weekly reports from all teachers. That's as far as we got. We sent Dylan on his way because the staff meeting was about to begin and they had to leave for it also. Bottom line still? Is that he is not learning and I cannot be in that classroom.

HERE'S THE WORST OF IT:


I got a call from my son 1.5 hours later after school and he told me that his ss teacher called him a "jerk" after we left and he was sent back to meet her after the principal's office". He told me what led up to it, but even if that's true she had no right to say it.

He said another boy heard her say it, so I asked him if I took this boy aside, would he tell me the same thing? That this was a serious accusation that good get her in trouble and make me look a fool for bringing it to the school's attention, etc...my DH pressed him even more when he got home and he was adamant that she she said "Dylan - you're such a jerk". he says when she said that, he said to the boy, did you hear that? and the boy said "yup".

I know this boy and his mother. This boy also has her for a class. I called the mom and asked her to ask her son if he heard any exchange between the teacher and Dylan today and I was not going to tell her what I thought it was. She called me back and told me the same thing, that her son heard the teacher say "you're a jerk". He's been telling me she makes comments about him to him and the class all the time. This boy tells his mother the same thing about my son and even when he's not misbehaving, that it is derrogatory. My DD17 had her and said at the beginning, "mom, these 2 are not a good match, he's going to have a tough year".

Now my son has made a reputation for himself in a new school and he is failing math and just getting by in social studies - do to the fact that he despises this teacher and quite honestly, I can see why.

I am going to the school on monday morning, I can't even sleep because I'm upset with my son,and the teachers blatent unwillingness to help him because they deem him a behavorial problem - now what do we all do?

If you are still with me, thank you....I know I'm rambling and the tears are flowing. I just feel helpless and not sure what to suggest we do for him collectively in school. He is hurting, I'm certain of it.

Oppositional Defiance?, Aspergers? ADHD, OCD ??????????
OP: My heart is ACHING for your family and especially your son....we can so relate to this situation.
As far as the teachers "unprofessional outburst/remark" I would document it immediately in writing, including AND confirming that you have also spoken to the mother of the child that ALSO heard it and send it directly to the principal, ccing the District Supt AND demand immediate action be taken, including an apology to your child. Verbal abuse should NOT be tolerated at ANY level and especially not at a child that is already documented as having a 504/learning issues.
Your heart is in the right place...and JUST demand and always know that YOU and YOUR DH are your sons ADVOCATES and you always have his interests FIRST.
If the 504 is not working...then IT needs to be changed, NOT your son.
He should never be placed in a situation that makes him feel that HE/himself is an issue rather than a learning/behavior issue that HE may TRULY not have control over (AS kids have MANY of the same issues frankly)
Been there done that....and as far as being asked Is he medicated...that is a HUGE red flag for me!!!
CHildren do not have to be medicated to "make a teachers life easier!" EVER!!! Children should be taking medication to help the child!!! Teachers and all of us in the education system need to make CHANGES to aid these children and it can be SUCCESSFUL when there is an environment of EMBRACING DIFFERENCES versus and environment of "tension" and "stress".
PLEASE seek additional support, perhaps even an outside Child Advocate if you feel that the district will strong arm you...its YOUR child...YOU know him best.
He is not responsible for his "feelings" and his stressors....they can NOT hold him accountable for things that HE has no control over.......it is such a fine line...... but getting SUPPORT is vital....we found that in a pediatric Neuropsych a FIRM diagnosis and an AMAZING OT.......SUCCESS is POSSIBLE!!!!
PLEASE
keep us updated.......I am sending Positive Vibes and your way......Every child deserves an education that WORKS for them!!!

 

[ksjayhawks]

First, I am sorry that your son is going through this. It is hard on your family, he is your "baby" and you want to protect him.

However, he is growing older and going to be more responsible for his actions/reactions and it might be time to look at some other options, such as medication and outside evaluations, that before now may not have been as necessary. You need to start preparing him for life away from the safety and security of your family. You will not be with him at college or when he is at work. You will not be able to"make things right" forever or run interference when he is on the job.


Right now, though, I would docoument what the teacher has said--both from your son and the other boy. What she said, if that is truly what she said, is not right and needs to be addressed. I would have each boy write it out and sign it. Ask for a meeting with the principal to discuss this issue. Remain calm and matter of fact as you state your case. The teacher should apologize to your son for this statement and refrain from doing it anymore, to him or any other student.

I do not think it is unusual to ask if your son is on medication. I work at an alternative high school and that is a routine question that we ask. We find that as kids grow and develop, their medication needs change. sometimes parents/guardians are on top of this and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes parents are hesitant, like you, to put their child on medication until someone can actually document behaviors that occur on a regular basis. We can tell when our students miss their meds as there is a drastic change in behaviors, in class and to other kids as well.

Please look into medication for your son. As others have said in many ways, if your son had a broken arm you would treat it, if he had pneumonia you would treat it. He has adhd and odd with anxiety, so why are you not treating these? Medications could help stabalize him and allow him to function better. You will have to pick which condition to start with as they will generally not start to medicate for both at the same time. Then they don't know which is working and which isn't. They must get one stabilized and working before they can start on another one. Also, your child is reaching puberty which throws a whole lot more into the mix. They may also suggest a different diet or a behavior modification plan as well.

Another poster suggested an outside evaluation from a psychologist. While this may be hard for you to think about, please do talk about it with dh. You want to do what is best for your son, and sometimes it means doing things that are hard to do. The evaluation may reveal some information that will greatly help your son, both medication wise, behavior wise, etc. It cannot hurt to have it done.

I would ask for a reevaluation of his 504 plan. He is older now and there may need to be changes made. Before this is done, it would be worth it to have the outside evaluation done and talk with your personal physician about medication options. If there are no learning disabilities present, he will not get an IEP, so the 504 is the way to go.

Good luck.

 

[polyfan]

I don't understand why there is noone at home to help with the math homework. I teach 7th grade math, and personally I find it hard to believe that neither parent can help?? what about the older sibling?? a tutor? if he is struggling than he needs more help than a teacher can give in class- also with so much behavior issue there is no wonder he doesn't get it- he's not spending the time trying- instead he is misbehaving

 

[Christine]

I don't understand why there is noone at home to help with the math homework. I teach 7th grade math, and personally I find it hard to believe that neither parent can help??

Some people just aren't good in math. I am one of them and I work in finance!! Honestly, after about 4th grade, I started getting useless. Or if I worked out a problem with my kids in the way *I* was taught, my kids might be penalized for not working the problem out the way it was being taught in their class (carrying numbers comes to mind specifically.). My husand was no better. Yes, we both made it through algebra but didn't do any of it after that, so I cannot do algebra anymore.

Now, if you would like me to edit/write a paper, I'm all over that....

 

[agnes!]

I don't understand why there is noone at home to help with the math homework. I teach 7th grade math, and personally I find it hard to believe that neither parent can help?? what about the older sibling?? a tutor? if he is struggling than he needs more help than a teacher can give in class- also with so much behavior issue there is no wonder he doesn't get it- he's not spending the time trying- instead he is misbehaving

I'm with Christine. And in the OP's situation it's not that there is NO-ONE to help, it's that the people who are available to help might not understand *how* the teacher wants the students to do the work. I took math all the way up to Trignometry and Analytical Geometry but if you asked me to help my DD with her Pre-Calc ... and actually if I had been asked to help DD starting back in the later years of grade school?...that wouldn't have worked either. Even though the answers are the same, the methods to solve the problems have changed in the past umpteen years.

agnes!

 

[polyfan]

I'm with Christine. And in the OP's situation it's not that there is NO-ONE to help, it's that the people who are available to help might not understand *how* the teacher wants the students to do the work. I took math all the way up to Trignometry and Analytical Geometry but if you asked me to help my DD with her Pre-Calc ... and actually if I had been asked to help DD starting back in the later years of grade school?...that wouldn't have worked either. Even though the answers are the same, the methods to solve the problems have changed in the past umpteen years.

agnes!

Sounds like a lot of excuses-there must be examples in the book along with the notes the teacher has provided in class of how to do the work as long as the child is taking the notes, which often times they are not especially if they are a behavior problem- 6th grade math is not that difficult or different from years ago- it is only the beginning of the school year, most of it is still review from 5th grad-there are also plenty of tutors that are knowledgeable along with learning centers- if my child were having that much trouble I would sure be figuring out what I could do to help him at home-

 

[spaceacewannabe]

Sounds like a lot of excuses-there must be examples in the book along with the notes the teacher has provided in class of how to do the work as long as the child is taking the notes, which often times they are not especially if they are a behavior problem- 6th grade math is not that difficult or different from years ago- it is only the beginning of the school year, most of it is still review from 5th grad-there are also plenty of tutors that are knowledgeable along with learning centers- if my child were having that much trouble I would sure be figuring out what I could do to help him at home-

What's obvious to the math teacher isn't necessarily obvious to anyone else, and perhaps they're misbehaving because the notes being given don't make sense. I'm a teacher, too, and I think this is a really unhelpful, cruel attitude to take towards a parent asking for help.

ANYWAY...OP, ask if your son can be in a different class. There's obviously a personality conflict. It's late to do this, but if this teacher is name-calling, there's no reason for him to stay in there.

 

[Christine]

What's obvious to the math teacher isn't necessarily obvious to anyone else, and perhaps they're misbehaving because the notes being given don't make sense. I'm a teacher, too, and I think this is a really unhelpful, cruel attitude to take towards a parent asking for help.

You took the words right out of my mouth. You don't know how many times I've hit the back button on my response. Sheesh. With attitudes like these, it's no wonder that some kids have issues with classwork.

Just this past Friday, my son's Chemistry class got their exams back. Apparently no one did overly well. Teacher's remark: This is an example of Dumb America.

I'm not saying that the child is an innocent party with his math. Lord knows that once a child builds that wall against math, they usually shut down. I agree that tutoring is an excellent solution; however, you cannot expect parents, who have not been in a math class for the last 20 years to be able to help in the appropriate ways past 6th grade then you aren't being very understanding. My coworker is an engineer, extremely good at math, and his child is in a gifted curriculum. He says he can "help a little bit" but the things that they do and the methods in which they are taught to do them differ from what he was taught. He says he ends up causing more issues than helping sometimes.

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

Sounds like a lot of excuses-there must be examples in the book along with the notes the teacher has provided in class of how to do the work as long as the child is taking the notes, which often times they are not especially if they are a behavior problem- 6th grade math is not that difficult or different from years ago- it is only the beginning of the school year, most of it is still review from 5th grad-there are also plenty of tutors that are knowledgeable along with learning centers- if my child were having that much trouble I would sure be figuring out what I could do to help him at home-

I don't understand why there is noone at home to help with the math homework. I teach 7th grade math, and personally I find it hard to believe that neither parent can help?? what about the older sibling?? a tutor? if he is struggling than he needs more help than a teacher can give in class- also with so much behavior issue there is no wonder he doesn't get it- he's not spending the time trying- instead he is misbehaving

Polyfan, Obviously, she is trying to help her son. I am saddened that you are a teacher and don't believe it is a teacher's job to help the parent resolve the issue. Also, another key point to her post is the teacher's attitude and behavior. It is the teacher's job to treat the child with respect. Often kids stop trying when they are frustrated; couple that with ADD or ADHD. Don't most of your behavior problems stem from kids struggling or kids boredom as a result of knowing too much?

Teachers are responsible to help students learn. Students sometimes need more help with certain concepts, and it is the teacher's job to help after school, (occasionally) prep time. etc. Do you not believe this is your responsibility?

I provided an example of how I might have struggled to help my second grader with "talking vowels," etc. Further, in PA state tests require students to complete math problems that sixth graders learn (hence, the calc kids forget how to do them) and math problems that many students would leave high school without any exposure to back when I was in high school. Aren't your students required to explain how they solved a math problem in paragraph form? I never had to do this in school.

Education has changed;so as outraged as you are that the OP or her DH can't help with 7th grade math, it isn't shocking to many of us.

The OP is asking for help, not criticism. I apologize that I am "coming at you" as some of my students would say. (Outside in the hall, of course; I wouldn't allow that diction in my classroom.) I tried to be respectful. I am offering you the opportunity to respond in a way to show that you are not just like the OP's son's math teacher.

OP- Keep trying to help your son with the behavioral issues, and the academics where you can. He has a math teacher to teach him math. She needs to do her job. You are not asking for anything unreasonable like for her to stop teaching and work one on one with him during class. You are simply asking for additional help after school.

 

[Lorix2]

I don't understand why there is noone at home to help with the math homework. I teach 7th grade math, and personally I find it hard to believe that neither parent can help?? what about the older sibling?? a tutor? if he is struggling than he needs more help than a teacher can give in class- also with so much behavior issue there is no wonder he doesn't get it- he's not spending the time trying- instead he is misbehaving

This is probably the way his teacher feels and this why she's NOT giving him help. I am the OP. We were honest in telling her that we do help with homework, but some of the math we simply don't understand ourselves, so how can we guide him? He admits he was following along at the beginning and understanding, but he started to get lost and gave up. His problem? Yes. Does she care? No. He's acting out because he feels inferior to the other kids and put down - if that's not a cry for help I don't what else is. She has a right to feel how she does, but at the end of the day, he's still clueless and he cares less and less each day.

 

[momoftwins]

Like some of the other posters, I too learned to do math much differently years ago. My kids have had teachers that do not use the textbook and insist as part of the grading they do the problems - step by step as the teacher has taught them. I am pretty good in math and my kids do take good notes. However, it is still hard sometime to teach them exactly as the teacher did. For the OP's issue, perhaps her son is so overwhelmed and confused he has trouble taking adequate notes. I suppose if you want to one could lay blame on an overwhelmed 12 yr old- I chose to take issue with his teachers who can't go the extra mile to work with the child and the parents.

Sounds like a lot of excuses-there must be examples in the book along with the notes the teacher has provided in class of how to do the work as long as the child is taking the notes, which often times they are not especially if they are a behavior problem- 6th grade math is not that difficult or different from years ago- it is only the beginning of the school year, most of it is still review from 5th grad-there are also plenty of tutors that are knowledgeable along with learning centers- if my child were having that much trouble I would sure be figuring out what I could do to help him at home-

 

[polyfan]

Polyfan, Obviously, she is trying to help her son. I can only infer that you are not a teacher or a parent...It is a teacher's job to help the child. Further, it is the teacher's job to treat the child with respect. Often kids stop trying when they are frustrated; couple that with ADD or ADHD. Teachers are responsible to help students learn. Students sometimes need more help with certain concepts, and it is the teacher's job to help after school, prep time. etc.

Reread my example of "talking vowels," etc. to see how it can be difficult to help a child in the second grade with reading/ vocabulary. Further, in PA state tests require students to complete math problems that third graders learn (hence, the calc kids forget how to do them) and math problems that many students would leave high school without any exposure to back when I was in high school. Students are now required to explain how they solved a math problem in paragraph form. I certainly never had to do this in school. Education has changed,;so as outraged as you are that the OP or her DH can help with 7th grade math, it isn't shocking to others of us in education.

The OP is asking for help, not criticism.

I am a parent to two boys- one in 5th grade and one in 8th grade- and I have a masters in Education- certified in special education and currently have been teaching middle school for 20 years therefore I am probably more in tune with the situation than most others on this board -Thankyou

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hi everyone, I want to thank you all for encouragment, advice, opinions and constructive criticism - I truly appreciate every word.

We have not medicated him because I fear the long term effects on his brain have not been studied. I'm afraid of him being dependent on stimulants all of his life..what if we ween him off and he seeks other forms as a teen to cope? What if he's a zombie at school and the kids pick on him?

What is your experience before and after medicating please?

I didn't read the whole thread but had to comment here. This is LONG!! Sorry!!

MY DS 8 had ADHD...big emphasis on the H!! We knew this when he was very young and in pre=school. We had dicussed it with our pediatrician, who said he won't usually medicate before full time school. DS went to private K for full time with the same teacher our DD had. I knew I would get a honest evaluation of him. Well he was in a class with 5 other boys...yes.....6 kids all boys...2 teachers and she talked to me after a few months about his behavior. That is when we started medicating him. Now..it took a while to find the right meds and dosage. Some won't work...1 made him a zombie..and we lowered the dosage. We wanted him to be able to sit and behave as well as possible and learn.

We finally hit the right meds...and we have since then changed them numerous times. They start to not work after awhile. It is very frustrating...but DS is so much better medicated, and it is so much easier for him to learn. Please do not worry about your DS being addicted to these drugs. These meds affect him differently then if you or I would take them, becuase their brains are wired differently. They don't make them high!! And ritalin has been around a long time. Do your research..but please...don't be afraid...they will help him. And if you don't like them, you can always stop. I know how you feel though.

DS has been tested and has no learning diablities. He was reading off the chart and has a very high IQ. We have been tempted to have him tested for the gifted program so he won't be bored, but we were concerned he would'nt get the teacher attention he needs.

For first grade he was place in an awesome class with a wonderful teacher. There was also an assitant teacher. Not just for him, but for several other kids as well. Our DS has an IEP, just based on his ADHD.

Now, we have been very open and honest with the school about his meds and behaviors, since it will only help our son. First grade was so wonderful for him..then we had 2nd grade.. what a difference.

I wish I knew now (3rd) what I knew then!! The teacher was nice enough, there was an asst teacher there part of the day just like fisrt grade...but OMG...this teacher should NEVER had had any kids with IEP or 504 in her class!! She just was not trained for it. SHe sucked at it!! We had been called up numerous times, and we told her that to deal with him in a classroom setting and to get the best out of him, she really needs to speak to his 1st grade teacher, who did it successfully. Well she obviously dind't have the patience or training to do it correctly. In 1st DS was writing like a bandit! In second grade it was like pulling teeth.

At one point they (both teachers, asst prin, social worker, and his occupational therapist) adn told us, we "had" to bring him to a shrink because he had obvious anxiety issues. Hmmm...well their shrink was 500 for the first session.. adn being the caring parents we are, we went to our primary care to discuss it with him. He gave us names of a shrink and sevearl therapists. Well, since a shrink is just going to medicate, and at this point I wasn't going to give him meds for anxiety we didn't see, we went to a therapist. After several sessions he was like, this child has no anxiety...any anxiety is being brought on my the teacher, in that situation. Nice.....

Oh, and the school social worker wasn't happy that we didn't take her adivce adn see her doctor and medicate him. She also wasn't happy that we went to our primary care first.

Towards the end of the shcool year I went on a class trip with them, adn I was talking to another mom, that has been a class mom and was there all the time. I also spoke to her at a private party after shcool ended, adn she told me tthat the teachers had no paitience with him, and just didn't know what to do. She told me he was a good, kid and she helped him sevearl times doing projects...and he was very good at listening to her. She didn't see any anxiety.

Now, at the last 3 days of school my DS was made star of the week. Hmmm...each child is supposed to get a shot at this. Mine gets the last 3 days of school? Now I wanted to call the teacher and ream her out but good, but I kept my mouth shut for my DS's sake. And also his last reaport card..All excellents excpet for behavior... she wrote on the back..please work on your behavoir!! ***!!

I wanted to call her and scream at her that she was a MORON!! My son has a nuerological disorder...he CAN"T SIT STILL!! He can't control his impulsivness!! This is HIM!!! I am still livid about it, and tempted to write to the superintendent that this teacher needs to be spoken to, re-trained, no 504/IEP kids or just fired!!

This year he is in a new shcool, new child study team, and it seems like a teacher that knows what she is doing. I am thankful..but will be watching more carefully.

You need to be your child's advocate...you should rethink meds...or you need to get him into some sort of therapy where he and you can learning coping skills. Your school is wrong, they are not dealing with him the way they should. but you need a more detailed 504 or IEP, adn you should go to your own therpist to ask for ideas on what to put in it. You need to fight for your child, but you need to help him too. You should get some sort of handbook about the rights your child has...read them. Request, in writing NOW, a meeting with the child study team. Work with them to help your child. It is their job. If they aren't agreeable...threanten lawyering up...that should make them more agreeable!!

My dd good friends is now being educated out of district. She is on the spectrum with some other issues. She fought from 1-6 for her dd, and had to hire an attorney for them to give her daughter the education, they coudn't provide for her. The district is now paying for her to go to school out of district in a program what is wodnerful for her. The district knew they coudln't meet her needs, but only did it when pushed against the wall!

It sucks..but what can you do!

Good luck with your DS. It is hard..but he deserves the best you adn the schools can do for him... FIGHT for his rights for an excellent education!! They are legally required to provide it!!

 

[Lorix2]

Thanks to all who are on this thread and new to this thread and still coming on to it. I've gained so much more knowledge and bit more confidence that will help me through this process. I can't reply to every post, but I've read and reread and reread again most of them.

Do you know if I can have his 504 revised? Can't I ask that he be taken out of that math class, at least for awhile and taught by resource? Or without an IEP will this request be shot down? Can I request a nonverbal cue to him, without having to shout "strike!" over and over in front of the class?