Advice Needed - One Sided Relationship with a Neighbor

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We live in the US. The agency gets $10k upfront. The au pair earns about that much as a stipend. The rest is for their food, car, insurance, phone, travel with the family, presents, bonus, etc. Maybe it’s a little more. Maybe a little less. I’m not upset with the cost of having an au pair. It’s part of the cost of having kids.

And to be clear my husband and I do not farm out all of the raising of the kids to the au pairs. We try to handle some of the pickup and drop off ourselves, and he or I sit through every Saturday practice. But we need help because my job is not flexible and his is at times not flexible, so this way we don’t have to say “no, you can’t be a gymnast” or “sorry no one can drive you to scouts.”

I get frustrated because we make the choice to have the backup, and then other families take advantage of that choice so that they don’t have to.

I meant do they live with you in your house? Typically au pairs do (the other is a live in nanny).

And I'm with you on the frustration with the back ups and being taken advantage of.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I am not a fan of carpooling so I would have no issues saying “no this doesn’t work for us.”

I like to come and go as I please. I don’t want to wait around if someone is running late or wait for a bunch of kids to get their stuff together after the activity. I don’t want to have to touch base with anyone if I can’t do it a certain day or I’m sick or on vacation.

All of this.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I get frustrated because we make the choice to have the backup, and then other families take advantage of that choice so that they don’t have to.

This would anger me. You need to get away from this user neighbor.

Will you check back with us and tell us how it went? I am invested in this situation

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

I meant do they live with you in your house? Typically au pairs do (the other is a live in nanny).

And I'm with you on the frustration with the back ups and being taken advantage of.

Yes, they live with us. That’s why the stipend is a relatively low part of the overall comp. We pay for everything else as well.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I work with physicians and a few of them have au pairs that are from out of the country and through an agency. Some of the physicians are friends. I have heard of one person having their au pair help the other family if something is up with their au pair or if they’re in between au pairs. It can be hanging with a sick kid so the physician can come in to work to taking kids to camp, giving a ride to an activity, etc. I have no idea if this is something they get asked to do or if they’re told to do it but it happens quite enough. But I do know on at least
some occasions (I’ve heard them talk about it) the other family will pay the au pair to help so she is making “double” the money. So I think au pairs helping out is normal.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I have a neighbor who likes to take advantage. Eg. her daughter would frequently come over for “play dates” only to find that the parents were not home, and we were being used as free babysitting. Our daughter is never invited to their house, or to any activities with their family. She also has no relationship with her outside of when the parents want her out of the house.

Now their daughter joined the same gym as my daughter, and she wants to “carpool.” Unfortunately carpooling means that we drive both ways on Wednesday evening so that her parents don’t have to miss work (the gym is more than half hour away so it doesn’t make sense to go back and forth), and they drive TO on Saturday but we still need to drive to pick her up (so it doesn’t actually save us a trip). The also roped in another family in town (also new to the gym) so we are expected to drive that kid every Wednesday as well and the two of them will split the Saturday driving TO the gym. We were appointed the Wednesday driver because we “would have to do it anyway."

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage. I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

First let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this uncomfortable situation. My kids are grown and gone, but I've been there and it's not fun. I agree with other posters who say, just say "no". I also know that sometimes it isn't that easy. (Although, I agree that it should be that easy!!)

I was a stay-at-home mom from 1993 when my oldest was born to 2014 when my youngest graduated high school, so I had MANY years of people either taking advantage of me or trying to! Looking back, I wish I had just said "no" from the get-go and I still get mad when I think of the nerve some of these parents had!! Ugh!!

My worst experience was with winter activities in middle school. Downhill skiing was one of the options. The ski resort was 45-minutes from our home. In order for your child to ski, you had to bring their equipment to the mountain before they arrived by bus from the school, and you had to bring your child home afterwards. So basically, I would bring the equipment out and stay there for 3 hours until I brought my son home. I was happy to do it.

We signed our child up for an activity in Nov. and it started in Jan. A week before it was due to start an acquaintance called up and asked me if I would bring their child's equipment out and bring him home. Our kids were friendly, and I was friendly with the mom. I agreed to do it and truly didn't mind. Fast forward the next year and I again got the call a week before it was to start. This time she asked if I would bring out her son's equipment and her son's friend equipment. She also said that she and the other mom were going to take turns bringing their kids home and they would also bring my son. It was a very nice offer, but I didn't need their help as I enjoyed staying at the mountain to wait. I was kinda mad at myself the entire ski season as I stopped at her house and grabbed the ski's, poles, boots, winter clothes for two kids. Her son and his friend. (lots of trips back and forth to my car) Then upon arrival at the ski area, I made multiple trips back and forth from my car to the lodge to drop off the equipment of the two kids and my own son. Some days I was totally frozen by the time I finished. I never received a thank you during the season or after.

Fast forward to the following November when it was time to sign up again. I called up the mom and said that I just wanted to let her know BEFORE she signed her kid up for skiing again that I would not be transporting their equipment anymore. She was downright shocked. I didn't give any reason, I just said that I couldn't do it and wanted her to know so that she could sign her kid up for a different activity. (All of the other winter activities didn't involve any legwork from the parents) I was SO HAPPY when I hung up the phone! Haha!!

Now, I always did wayyyyyyy more than my share for all sorts of things, baseball, hockey, soccer etc. and most I was happy to do. I was always happy to do it if the kids involved were good friends of my own kids.

Having said all of that, I really hope that you can put an end to this "carpool". You'll feel much better when you do. Its a terrible feeling when you know your being taken advantage of and that terrible feeling stays with you. Try to end it now.

If you have already started giving them rides. I would call up with a date 2-3 weeks from now and say after that date you can no longer bring their child to and from practice on Wed. night. Obviously, you don't owe them any notice at all, but it may be easier for you to do it that way. Once you end the carpool, don't look back and don't get sucked into another one in the future, because speaking from experience it is ENDLESS! Best of luck to you!

 

[DVCjj]

"I'm so sorry but it wouldn't work out".

 

[Darcy03231]

Keep in mind that if you're regularly carpooling, you should check with your insurance company to make sure it covers car pools.

I work in the legal field and I remember a case (this was a number of years ago) where there was an accident involving a car pool situation. I wasn't directly involved in the case so I don't have all the particulars/facts, but the gist of it was: Car pool driver was not at fault, but some of the kids were seriously injured and the at fault driver had the bare minimum for insurance, so the other parents sued car pool driver. There was a lot of back and forth with the insurance company which was claiming that car pool driver was using the vehicle as a "taxi" as she got money for gas and she wasn't covered under the policy for a "taxi." I believe that ultimately the insurance kicked in, but it was up in the air for a while.

I would just stick to a "No. Car pooling doesn't work for us."

 

[mjkacmom]

First let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this uncomfortable situation. My kids are grown and gone, but I've been there and it's not fun. I agree with other posters who say, just say "no". I also know that sometimes it isn't that easy. (Although, I agree that it should be that easy!!)

I was a stay-at-home mom from 1993 when my oldest was born to 2014 when my youngest graduated high school, so I had MANY years of people either taking advantage of me or trying to! Looking back, I wish I had just said "no" from the get-go and I still get mad when I think of the nerve some of these parents had!! Ugh!!

My worst experience was with winter activities in middle school. Downhill skiing was one of the options. The ski resort was 45-minutes from our home. In order for your child to ski, you had to bring their equipment to the mountain before they arrived by bus from the school, and you had to bring your child home afterwards. So basically, I would bring the equipment out and stay there for 3 hours until I brought my son home. I was happy to do it.

We signed our child up for an activity in Nov. and it started in Jan. A week before it was due to start an acquaintance called up and asked me if I would bring their child's equipment out and bring him home. Our kids were friendly, and I was friendly with the mom. I agreed to do it and truly didn't mind. Fast forward the next year and I again got the call a week before it was to start. This time she asked if I would bring out her son's equipment and her son's friend equipment. She also said that she and the other mom were going to take turns bringing their kids home and they would also bring my son. It was a very nice offer, but I didn't need their help as I enjoyed staying at the mountain to wait. I was kinda mad at myself the entire ski season as I stopped at her house and grabbed the ski's, poles, boots, winter clothes for two kids. Her son and his friend. (lots of trips back and forth to my car) Then upon arrival at the ski area, I made multiple trips back and forth from my car to the lodge to drop off the equipment of the two kids and my own son. Some days I was totally frozen by the time I finished. I never received a thank you during the season or after.

Fast forward to the following November when it was time to sign up again. I called up the mom and said that I just wanted to let her know BEFORE she signed her kid up for skiing again that I would not be transporting their equipment anymore. She was downright shocked. I didn't give any reason, I just said that I couldn't do it and wanted her to know so that she could sign her kid up for a different activity. (All of the other winter activities didn't involve any legwork from the parents) I was SO HAPPY when I hung up the phone! Haha!!

Now, I always did wayyyyyyy more than my share for all sorts of things, baseball, hockey, soccer etc. and most I was happy to do. I was always happy to do it if the kids involved were good friends of my own kids.

Having said all of that, I really hope that you can put an end to this "carpool". You'll feel much better when you do. Its a terrible feeling when you know your being taken advantage of and that terrible feeling stays with you. Try to end it now.

If you have already started giving them rides. I would call up with a date 2-3 weeks from now and say after that date you can no longer bring their child to and from practice on Wed. night. Obviously, you don't owe them any notice at all, but it may be easier for you to do it that way. Once you end the carpool, don't look back and don't get sucked into another one in the future, because speaking from experience it is ENDLESS! Best of luck to you!

But they offered to bring the boys home but you refused. What would you have thought was a fair compromise? Were they unable to take the boys because they worked? In that type of situation I would expect more kids getting involved in carpools with different parents doing different weeks. Our carpools were pretty full.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

First let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this uncomfortable situation. My kids are grown and gone, but I've been there and it's not fun. I agree with other posters who say, just say "no". I also know that sometimes it isn't that easy. (Although, I agree that it should be that easy!!)

I was a stay-at-home mom from 1993 when my oldest was born to 2014 when my youngest graduated high school, so I had MANY years of people either taking advantage of me or trying to! Looking back, I wish I had just said "no" from the get-go and I still get mad when I think of the nerve some of these parents had!! Ugh!!

My worst experience was with winter activities in middle school. Downhill skiing was one of the options. The ski resort was 45-minutes from our home. In order for your child to ski, you had to bring their equipment to the mountain before they arrived by bus from the school, and you had to bring your child home afterwards. So basically, I would bring the equipment out and stay there for 3 hours until I brought my son home. I was happy to do it.

We signed our child up for an activity in Nov. and it started in Jan. A week before it was due to start an acquaintance called up and asked me if I would bring their child's equipment out and bring him home. Our kids were friendly, and I was friendly with the mom. I agreed to do it and truly didn't mind. Fast forward the next year and I again got the call a week before it was to start. This time she asked if I would bring out her son's equipment and her son's friend equipment. She also said that she and the other mom were going to take turns bringing their kids home and they would also bring my son. It was a very nice offer, but I didn't need their help as I enjoyed staying at the mountain to wait. I was kinda mad at myself the entire ski season as I stopped at her house and grabbed the ski's, poles, boots, winter clothes for two kids. Her son and his friend. (lots of trips back and forth to my car) Then upon arrival at the ski area, I made multiple trips back and forth from my car to the lodge to drop off the equipment of the two kids and my own son. Some days I was totally frozen by the time I finished. I never received a thank you during the season or after.

Fast forward to the following November when it was time to sign up again. I called up the mom and said that I just wanted to let her know BEFORE she signed her kid up for skiing again that I would not be transporting their equipment anymore. She was downright shocked. I didn't give any reason, I just said that I couldn't do it and wanted her to know so that she could sign her kid up for a different activity. (All of the other winter activities didn't involve any legwork from the parents) I was SO HAPPY when I hung up the phone! Haha!!

Now, I always did wayyyyyyy more than my share for all sorts of things, baseball, hockey, soccer etc. and most I was happy to do. I was always happy to do it if the kids involved were good friends of my own kids.

Having said all of that, I really hope that you can put an end to this "carpool". You'll feel much better when you do. Its a terrible feeling when you know your being taken advantage of and that terrible feeling stays with you. Try to end it now.

If you have already started giving them rides. I would call up with a date 2-3 weeks from now and say after that date you can no longer bring their child to and from practice on Wed. night. Obviously, you don't owe them any notice at all, but it may be easier for you to do it that way. Once you end the carpool, don't look back and don't get sucked into another one in the future, because speaking from experience it is ENDLESS! Best of luck to you!

The moms should have been bringing their son’s equipment to your home. You shouldn’t have had to pick that up too. That is wild. Glad you got out of that situation.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

But they offered to bring the boys home but you refused. What would you have thought was a fair compromise? Were they unable to take the boys because they worked? In that type of situation I would expect more kids getting involved in carpools with different parents doing different weeks. Our carpools were pretty full.

Yes, I refused, because I enjoyed staying at the mountain. My son Didn’t need a ride home. I didn’t need anything from them.

I didn’t need the compromise, because I wasn’t the one that needed any help.

Yes, they both worked. But that honestly didn’t matter in this case. Parents could bring the equipment out at 6:00 in the morning, before work if they wanted to. They didn’t want to do that.

Probably what would have made me feel not taken advantage of ( since I didn’t need to carpool a ride home from them) would have been a huge thank you and a small gift card somewhere. That would have been nice.

Just remember I was coming from a place that I didn’t need help. Probably, much like the OP since they have hired help to get their kids places.

 

[White Cat]

First let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this uncomfortable situation. My kids are grown and gone, but I've been there and it's not fun. I agree with other posters who say, just say "no". I also know that sometimes it isn't that easy. (Although, I agree that it should be that easy!!)

I was a stay-at-home mom from 1993 when my oldest was born to 2014 when my youngest graduated high school, so I had MANY years of people either taking advantage of me or trying to! Looking back, I wish I had just said "no" from the get-go and I still get mad when I think of the nerve some of these parents had!! Ugh!!

My worst experience was with winter activities in middle school. Downhill skiing was one of the options. The ski resort was 45-minutes from our home. In order for your child to ski, you had to bring their equipment to the mountain before they arrived by bus from the school, and you had to bring your child home afterwards. So basically, I would bring the equipment out and stay there for 3 hours until I brought my son home. I was happy to do it.

We signed our child up for an activity in Nov. and it started in Jan. A week before it was due to start an acquaintance called up and asked me if I would bring their child's equipment out and bring him home. Our kids were friendly, and I was friendly with the mom. I agreed to do it and truly didn't mind. Fast forward the next year and I again got the call a week before it was to start. This time she asked if I would bring out her son's equipment and her son's friend equipment. She also said that she and the other mom were going to take turns bringing their kids home and they would also bring my son. It was a very nice offer, but I didn't need their help as I enjoyed staying at the mountain to wait. I was kinda mad at myself the entire ski season as I stopped at her house and grabbed the ski's, poles, boots, winter clothes for two kids. Her son and his friend. (lots of trips back and forth to my car) Then upon arrival at the ski area, I made multiple trips back and forth from my car to the lodge to drop off the equipment of the two kids and my own son. Some days I was totally frozen by the time I finished. I never received a thank you during the season or after.

Fast forward to the following November when it was time to sign up again. I called up the mom and said that I just wanted to let her know BEFORE she signed her kid up for skiing again that I would not be transporting their equipment anymore. She was downright shocked. I didn't give any reason, I just said that I couldn't do it and wanted her to know so that she could sign her kid up for a different activity. (All of the other winter activities didn't involve any legwork from the parents) I was SO HAPPY when I hung up the phone! Haha!!

Now, I always did wayyyyyyy more than my share for all sorts of things, baseball, hockey, soccer etc. and most I was happy to do. I was always happy to do it if the kids involved were good friends of my own kids.

Having said all of that, I really hope that you can put an end to this "carpool". You'll feel much better when you do. Its a terrible feeling when you know your being taken advantage of and that terrible feeling stays with you. Try to end it now.

If you have already started giving them rides. I would call up with a date 2-3 weeks from now and say after that date you can no longer bring their child to and from practice on Wed. night. Obviously, you don't owe them any notice at all, but it may be easier for you to do it that way. Once you end the carpool, don't look back and don't get sucked into another one in the future, because speaking from experience it is ENDLESS! Best of luck to you!

It takes some time to learn to be that way. Our children had many activities, we preferred to do things on our own, were fortunate enough to not need to depend on others. We quickly turned people down that wanted to make arrangements with us. Like you, I stayed and waited for them to finish their activities. As an aside, I know a person whose child died in a car crash while he driven home from school by a neighbor. She sued that family and won. They were a wealthy family, both were, but they were cleaned out after they lost.

 

[lorimt]

First let me say that I'm sorry that you are in this uncomfortable situation. My kids are grown and gone, but I've been there and it's not fun. I agree with other posters who say, just say "no". I also know that sometimes it isn't that easy. (Although, I agree that it should be that easy!!)

I was a stay-at-home mom from 1993 when my oldest was born to 2014 when my youngest graduated high school, so I had MANY years of people either taking advantage of me or trying to! Looking back, I wish I had just said "no" from the get-go and I still get mad when I think of the nerve some of these parents had!! Ugh!!

My worst experience was with winter activities in middle school. Downhill skiing was one of the options. The ski resort was 45-minutes from our home. In order for your child to ski, you had to bring their equipment to the mountain before they arrived by bus from the school, and you had to bring your child home afterwards. So basically, I would bring the equipment out and stay there for 3 hours until I brought my son home. I was happy to do it.

We signed our child up for an activity in Nov. and it started in Jan. A week before it was due to start an acquaintance called up and asked me if I would bring their child's equipment out and bring him home. Our kids were friendly, and I was friendly with the mom. I agreed to do it and truly didn't mind. Fast forward the next year and I again got the call a week before it was to start. This time she asked if I would bring out her son's equipment and her son's friend equipment. She also said that she and the other mom were going to take turns bringing their kids home and they would also bring my son. It was a very nice offer, but I didn't need their help as I enjoyed staying at the mountain to wait. I was kinda mad at myself the entire ski season as I stopped at her house and grabbed the ski's, poles, boots, winter clothes for two kids. Her son and his friend. (lots of trips back and forth to my car) Then upon arrival at the ski area, I made multiple trips back and forth from my car to the lodge to drop off the equipment of the two kids and my own son. Some days I was totally frozen by the time I finished. I never received a thank you during the season or after.

Fast forward to the following November when it was time to sign up again. I called up the mom and said that I just wanted to let her know BEFORE she signed her kid up for skiing again that I would not be transporting their equipment anymore. She was downright shocked. I didn't give any reason, I just said that I couldn't do it and wanted her to know so that she could sign her kid up for a different activity. (All of the other winter activities didn't involve any legwork from the parents) I was SO HAPPY when I hung up the phone! Haha!!

Now, I always did wayyyyyyy more than my share for all sorts of things, baseball, hockey, soccer etc. and most I was happy to do. I was always happy to do it if the kids involved were good friends of my own kids.

Having said all of that, I really hope that you can put an end to this "carpool". You'll feel much better when you do. Its a terrible feeling when you know your being taken advantage of and that terrible feeling stays with you. Try to end it now.

If you have already started giving them rides. I would call up with a date 2-3 weeks from now and say after that date you can no longer bring their child to and from practice on Wed. night. Obviously, you don't owe them any notice at all, but it may be easier for you to do it that way. Once you end the carpool, don't look back and don't get sucked into another one in the future, because speaking from experience it is ENDLESS! Best of luck to you!

You are a saint. I don’t even want to carry my own ski equipment .

 

[Lumpy1106]

You know, this thread reminds me that it's not just car-pooling. There is a very small minority of parents that the do the V-A-S-T majority of volunteering for just about every kid activity. For me it was soccer. I was happy to coach, but the coach needs a team parent to handle all the snack duties, and someone else really needs to be the one to take the lead on refereeing, and it really helps to have an assistant coach to bounce ideas off of and step in at practice if you can't be there, etc. If you've got that, great, everyone has a great time. Unfortunately, it only takes one season where you ask for help and no one raises a hand to just really kill the whole thing. I can honestly say in the 15 or so years I coached, I only had 2 seasons that went absolutely great, and far more where I did absolutely everything. This is my first year stepping away and it's nice not having to worry about it, but also surprising how quickly I feel detached from it all. It leaves me wondering what it was all worth.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

You are a saint. I don’t even want to carry my own ski equipment .

I know, right!!! Haha!!! It was quite the job. And it was COLD!!

One trip into the lodge with your own stuff or your kids' stuff is more than enough!! Three trips in with two of them being trips for other kids wasn't fun!! And it was COLD!!! Haha!!

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Keep in mind that if you're regularly carpooling, you should check with your insurance company to make sure it covers car pools.

I work in the legal field and I remember a case (this was a number of years ago) where there was an accident involving a car pool situation. I wasn't directly involved in the case so I don't have all the particulars/facts, but the gist of it was: Car pool driver was not at fault, but some of the kids were seriously injured and the at fault driver had the bare minimum for insurance, so the other parents sued car pool driver. There was a lot of back and forth with the insurance company which was claiming that car pool driver was using the vehicle as a "taxi" as she got money for gas and she wasn't covered under the policy for a "taxi." I believe that ultimately the insurance kicked in, but it was up in the air for a while.

I would just stick to a "No. Car pooling doesn't work for us."

It takes some time to learn to be that way. Our children had many activities, we preferred to do things on our own, were fortunate enough to not need to depend on others. We quickly turned people down that wanted to make arrangements with us. Like you, I stayed and waited for them to finish their activities. As an aside, I know a person whose child died in a car crash while he driven home from school by a neighbor. She sued that family and won. They were a wealthy family, both were, but they were cleaned out after they lost.

My kids are long grown and gone, but these two posts are eye openers for sure!! Yikes! I had no idea!

 

[Disneylover99]

Yes, I refused, because I enjoyed staying at the mountain. My son Didn’t need a ride home. I didn’t need anything from them.

I didn’t need the compromise, because I wasn’t the one that needed any help.

Yes, they both worked. But that honestly didn’t matter in this case. Parents could bring the equipment out at 6:00 in the morning, before work if they wanted to. They didn’t want to do that.

Probably what would have made me feel not taken advantage of ( since I didn’t need to carpool a ride home from them) would have been a huge thank you and a small gift card somewhere. That would have been nice.

Just remember I was coming from a place that I didn’t need help. Probably, much like the OP since they have hired help to get their kids places.

Yep. I totally get it.

I always liked to drive and pick up my own kids from sports and clubs. I was never interested in carting around other people’s kids. Occasionally, I did it as a favour when someone asked, but never as a permanent routine.

I avoided carpooling like the plague.
Let the parents who want to take turns carpooling find one another.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

As an aside, I know a person whose child died in a car crash while he driven home from school by a neighbor. She sued that family and won. They were a wealthy family, both were, but they were cleaned out after they lost.

I don’t like anyone being responsible for my kids. Especially with the whole new trend now with Moms being at every event with wine in their Stanley cups. They play it like a joke but I know for a fact some moms actually do this and then drive home. There’s a little “I’m serious” behind every just kidding.

 

[White Cat]

I don’t like anyone being responsible for my kids. Especially with the whole new trend now with Moms being at every event with wine in their Stanley cups. They play it like a joke but I know for a fact some moms actually do this and then drive home. There’s a little “I’m serious” behind every just kidding.

This driver was impaired. I knew her husband. They lost about everything in that law suit.

 

[Disneylover99]

I don’t like anyone being responsible for my kids. Especially with the whole new trend now with Moms being at every event with wine in their Stanley cups. They play it like a joke but I know for a fact some moms actually do this and then drive home. There’s a little “I’m serious” behind every just kidding.

I get that some parents don’t have the time or ability to get their kids to or from certain activities. But I was always kind of suprised the way some parents gleefully handed off their young kids to people they barely knew for a free ride.