Advice Needed - One Sided Relationship with a Neighbor

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

Thank you all. I know that I need to say no. I’m just not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges unnecessarily. I may let my husband try to figure out how to finesse it.

What I meant by “we pay a lot for childcare” is that our kids are old enough that they don’t need a babysitter, but there are a few times during the week when neither my husband nor I can cover driving them to activities, so we probably spend $40k/year (when it’s all said and done) to have an au pair for 10-20 hours/week of driving (mostly to/from gymnastics, but also picking up from school, etc). I don’t mind doing it because our kids are our responsibility and we have gotten a ton out of the program, but they want to take advantage of the fact that my daughter has a dedicated driver (au pair or parent) so that they don’t have to.

 

[Disneylover99]

Thank you all. I know that I need to say no. I’m just not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges unnecessarily. I may let my husband try to figure out how to finesse it.

What I meant by “we pay a lot for childcare” is that our kids are old enough that they don’t need a babysitter, but there are a few times during the week when neither my husband nor I can cover driving them to activities, so we probably spend $40k/year (when it’s all said and done) to have an au pair for 10-20 hours/week of driving (mostly to/from gymnastics, but also picking up from school, etc). I don’t mind doing it because our kids are our responsibility and we have gotten a ton out of the program, but they want to take advantage of the fact that my daughter has a dedicated driver (au pair or parent) so that they don’t have to.

So you pay a ton of money for a hired driver for your daughter, and your neighbour wants in on this for free, and has now invited another family to join in too?

Heck no! No need to finesse this at all. Cut ties now.

 

[_19disnA]

It sounds like your neighbor is the pushy type who likes to take advantage of people. So what if they get mad at you? Once they find you aren't a pushover, they will probably find someone else to take advantage of.

 

[robinb]

Thank you all. I know that I need to say no. I’m just not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges unnecessarily. I may let my husband try to figure out how to finesse it.

Have you already started the carpooling? Was there a carpooling plan that you were OK with at one time that morphed into you driving both days anyway?

 

[Disneylover99]

so we probably spend $40k/year (when it’s all said and done) to have an au pair for 10-20 hours/week of driving (mostly to/from gymnastics, but also picking up from school, etc).

I don’t know much about au pairs, but do they have a policy about driving around other peoples children?

 

[QueenIsabella]

I had a neighbor like this. Her daughter was a year older than mine. They used to send her over to our house to "play", without asking. If we had to leave (because, you know, we had our own things--I have 4 kids, someone always had dance class/soccer practice/Little League...), I would send the child home. More than once, she was stuck on the porch, locked out of her house, because her parents had ditched her. In retrospect, I probably should have called the police or CPS.

I found it easy to say "No" and send the kid home, because the kid was a brat. She especially bullied my younger son, telling him to "leave" when she and my daughter were playing. Um, Honey, he lives here. If anyone's leaving, it's you!

Same neighbor's husband travelled a lot, so she was constantly calling to ask my husband to do "husband things"--no, not that! But, you know, change a high lightbulb or fix a squeaky stair or whatever--stuff you'd have on a "honey-do" list.

I just stopped taking the neighbor's calls. She still called a lot, but I didn't answer. Then, she'd call other neighbors. They eventually moved. Don't let the door hit you in the butt!

 

[focusondisney]

You’re paying $40,000 a year for a driver??

 

[easyas123]

“No” is a complete sentence.

Seriously, why do you care about preserving what this family thinks of you? You get nothing out of the “friendship” the kids aren’t friends. You have no obligation to make sure that their daughter makes it to the gym while they work. They may spread some rumors at the gym to other parents but I bet you that the other parents see through it pretty quick. The trash always takes itself out eventually.

"No thanks, that doesn't work for us"

no explanation is required. if they push it just say you don't wish to discuss it further.

all of the above.

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

You’re paying $40,000 a year for a driver??

Yes, I know that it’s crazy. The alternative is that the kids can’t do their activities, or one of us can’t work. Maybe both of us can’t work because there are times when my husband is driving one kid and the au pair is driving the other.

That’s why other parents want to carpool.

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

You’re paying $40,000 a year for a driver??

To be fair they do contribute in other ways if we ask and we have loved being a part of the program, but that’s the only part of their job that we actually NEED. Everything else is nice to have.

 

[mjkacmom]

Having had 5 very busy kids I can’t imagine having done it not carpooling. Dance, ccd, sports - my minivan was packed every day, as was DH’s (yes we both drove odysseys). I was a SAHM so I probably drove more, like every day to dance after picking up some girls from home and signing some out of aftercare. CCD was at 4 so that was usually me. It was great because I didn’t have to leave my house to get kids from dance or club soccer. My husband coached a ton of rec teams and travel teams, so he always had a full van. I also never minded having other kids here.

 

[Kennywood]

 

[_19disnA]

I agree you have to stand up for yourself. I know some pushy people at work and once you stand up to their nonsense, they either back down or go find others who they can try to control.........fine by me.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Carpools are great if they work for your schedule and are an actual help to you. This is not a help.

I agree with Robin B earlier. You do both ways on Wednesday and none on Saturday or politely decline.

Unfortunately we will not be able to join this carpool. Thank you for asking, but we need to say no.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, I know that it’s crazy. The alternative is that the kids can’t do their activities, or one of us can’t work. Maybe both of us can’t work because there are times when my husband is driving one kid and the au pair is driving the other.

That’s why other parents want to carpool.

To be fair they do contribute in other ways if we ask and we have loved being a part of the program, but that’s the only part of their job that we actually NEED. Everything else is nice to have.

Do they live with you? Majority of the time an au pair lives with the family and does the primary childcare stuff. Based on my limited research you are way way way overpaying (about double what the U.S. standard minimum is).

It may not be the topic of the thread but sure doesn't seem like it's not helping the overall stress on the situation.

 

[Mouse Tracker]

we probably spend $40k/year

Kind of reminds me of the "paycom" tv ad , parent not paying attention to gymnast daughter.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I am not a fan of carpooling so I would have no issues saying “no this doesn’t work for us.”

I like to come and go as I please. I don’t want to wait around if someone is running late or wait for a bunch of kids to get their stuff together after the activity. I don’t want to have to touch base with anyone if I can’t do it a certain day or I’m sick or on vacation. My son broke his nose at baseball when he was 8 so I also don’t want another kid being my responsibility in the event of an accident.

A one off emergency pick up and drop off I’m ok with but I’m not signing up for anything consistent or being duped into it.

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

Do they live with you? Majority of the time an au pair lives with the family and does the primary childcare stuff. Based on my limited research you are way way way overpaying (about double what the U.S. standard minimum is).

It may not be the topic of the thread but sure doesn't seem like it's not helping the overall stress on the situation.

We live in the US. The agency gets $10k upfront. The au pair earns about that much as a stipend. The rest is for their food, car, insurance, phone, travel with the family, presents, bonus, etc. Maybe it’s a little more. Maybe a little less. I’m not upset with the cost of having an au pair. It’s part of the cost of having kids.

And to be clear my husband and I do not farm out all of the raising of the kids to the au pairs. We try to handle some of the pickup and drop off ourselves, and he or I sit through every Saturday practice. But we need help because my job is not flexible and his is at times not flexible, so this way we don’t have to say “no, you can’t be a gymnast” or “sorry no one can drive you to scouts.”

I get frustrated because we make the choice to have the backup, and then other families take advantage of that choice so that they don’t have to.

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

Kind of reminds me of the "paycom" tv ad , parent not paying attention to gymnast daughter.

That’s supremely unfair to say. Not every family can have a SAHP. We are present as much as we can be.

 

[Disneylover99]

I get frustrated because we make the choice to have the backup, and then other families take advantage of that choice so that they don’t have to.

What you choose to do is your business.
And they can only take advantage if you let them.
The solution is simple. Say no.