Advice needed - marriage/moving

[lspst8]

I moved a lot when I was a kid, and it hasn't hurt me at all. I went to 3 different school in 2nd grade, that's how much we moved! It sounds like your fiancee has a great house for all of you in a great neighborhood. Your mom probably just likes the situation as it is, and doesn't want you and the kids to move and is projecting it onto the kids, instead of being honest and saying "I want you guys to stay here." 25 minutes is really nothing. Your mom will still be able to see the kids on a weekly basis, go to their school events, see baseball game, etc...

I know your "guy" loves the house but it is ALWAYS best to start a relationship in a house that belongs to everyone. Get a new house if you can.

Our friend just married and they moved into his house & it has caused lots of problems

I don't think this is true eaither. One, selling and buying a house is no small matter. It isn't like buying a new pair of shoes, or even a car.

My husband moved into my townhouse after we got married, and we haven't had any problems with it at all. You're saying I was supposed to sell my house (that I've only lived in for 3 years) because I was marrying someone? Technically, the mortgage is in my name only, but we always refer to it as "our home."

 

[barkley]

we moved several states away from ANY family and our kids did wonderfully. got to figure that k and 4th graders make new friends realy quickly so it's not as huge an issue as many adults would think. and only 25 miles away??? that's still very managable for maintaining old friendships.

one thing i'll suggest-if either kid is in activities you might try transitioning to doing some in the new area a few months before the physical move. if there's sports that will start in spring and continue during summer it would be great to get them in the local to the new home groups so they can start making friendships before the move (and get excited about what summer stuff the kids there do). if they do activities where they are realy tied to a particular studio/group see if you can facilitate their staying with it (25 miles once or twice a week for a practice or something would'nt be too bad).

i agree with others that your mom is more concerned with her issues of the kids moving, and i'de caution you to watch out what/how much she talks about this around your kids. she could put fears/hesitations into their minds that could create problems between your kids/you/fiancee that would'nt otherwise occur.

 

[minkydog]

Advice needed – I am a single parent of 2 children, my kids and I have been living with my parents for many years now, they have plenty of space in their house, we have our own portion of the house that I had built on a few years back and it just worked to pay them rent and stay there. My children by the way are 9 and 5, so a 4th grader and kindergartner. Last spring, I met a guy, a fabulous guy who I have fallen in love with and we are discussing our future together. He has a beautiful house in a town about 25 minutes away from where we live now. We have discussed that when we marry, we would live in his house. This however, would require the kids moving and having to change schools. My Mother thinks it is a horrible idea, she thinks it is horrible to move my daughter away from all of her friends and activities that she is involved in and I would feel bad about that, but it’s not that far away from her friends, she’d still have connections, but now I am second guessing everything. She says I would be selfish to move the kids because of marriage/love. He just recently refinanced his house, so asking him to sell it to move to my home town doesn’t seem quite right, plus he loves the house, it’s an older house that he has spent a lot of time restoring and it’s so perfect, I love it's charm and beauty. So, my dilemma is, would you move your kids to a new home/new school because of marriage/love? What’s a girl to do?

Are you kidding? People move their kids all the time. I could see if you were going to join the gypsy life and move every year or so. But moving 25 miles away is NOT a big deal(what is that 35 minutes?) Are your parents enmeshed with your family? In other words, do you think perhaps your mother doesn't want you to move for her own selfish reasons? Or are you just a mama's girl. When people get married they cleave to one another. Mom & Dad and their opinions move to last place.

Personally, I feel that unless the kids are in high school they will adjust to the move and do pretty well. I moved several times during my growing up years due to my dad's job. Twice in elementary,never had a problem. And moved twice in upper grades, from Virginia to Missippi, then on to Alabama. The last move was in 9th grade, which I don't recommend. It took me 2 years to fit in. But eventually I did and made life-long friends. I am glad i moved a lot in my childhood. It prepared me for the independence of adulthood. I have moved with DH about 10 times and I don't think I would have been able to do that if I had never moved before.

If this is the man of your dreams and he adores & needs you and the kids in his life, I think it would be foolish not to move out and start a new life with him.

 

[cheermom1]

I don't understand why wouldn't move??? the kids are young they will be fine and it sounds like this is a wonderful home that you will stay for a very long time.. Moving kids once is no big deal trust me we moved so very many times when I was kid and I am fine ...any way I think you should do what is best for you and your girls and if that means moving than do it...

 

[lovesmurfs]

The only time I would hesitate to move children from their school would be if they were in their final 2 years of high school.

Your kids are young enough so that new friends are still exciting. Do not take the guilt trip your mother has invented. I'm not sure a weekly "date night" would work for her, as if the kids have events or you go on vacation, etc. you'll end up in a bizarre "custody" battle with her.

We raise our children so that they gain independence and go their own way. Go your own way. Your mother will adjust.

 

[brockash]

Why would this be different from a parent being transferred? I changed schools when I was a Senior, and my brother was in 7th grade; we lived through it.

I agree that you don't need to make a move until after you are actually married, but at that point it won't do permanent damage to your kids.

ITA! Kids move all the time. My poor kiddos have a Dad that's in the military, so they'll be moved around a lot. I think it's perfectly reasonable to get married and move 25 minutes away. Will your kids like the idea? Probably not, but my mom remarried when I was in 4th grade, and we moved a few states away. I wasn't happy about it in the least bit, but I was a kid, and it was fine. As far as your mom, take what she says with a grain of salt. I'm sure deep down, part of her (or a lot of her) is really just worried about herself and I'm guessing she really enjoys having you guys living there ect., which is fine, but eventually she has to let go, and just remind her that you'll just be 25 mins. away.

 

[CBCJ1979]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and input. As we move forward, I realize that the decisions that will be made will be well thought out, nothing will be done in haste and that ultimately, when we do wed, my Mother no longer plays a role in making decisions for my family, well actually she doesn’t make decisions for me now either, she can tell me how she feels, express her concerns, but we’ll make the decision. I know some of you questioned if I was kidding or couldn’t believe I would ask something so absurd, but as some of you know, the guilt a Mother is still able to put on her children, even in their adult years sometimes makes you still second guess everything and that is what was occurring to me. I know she will be upset for us to move on, but she had to realize it would come eventually, as I certainly hope she didn’t think I would really be single and living there forever. I know a move will be a huge adjustment, not so much for my son, I think he’ll adjust easily to a new home and new school, it’s my daughter who is more established in her school and activities, she’ll have a hard time with it, but we’ll be close enough that she can see her grandparents, friends, maybe even stay on the same soccer team. Thank you again everyone for your thoughts.

 

[NY Disney fan]

CBCJ1979,

Congratualtions on finding love. Its a rare thing and I'm sure you will be very happy. I'm a single mom who lives with my parents and my mom has told me flat out that if I get re-married, I will have to leave my daughter with her. How's that for paranoia? Your mom is speaking from fear. They fear for their grandbabies in a new environment. Its totally irrational but rational at the same time. Its a paradox. My advice: live your life and move forward. Assure your mom that her place is still important in your lives and that you will do your best to make everyone happy.

On another note: I am not a fan of moving into someone else's house b/c it is a powder keg of problems... but take one day at a time. Please think this through before you get married. You have all the time in the world.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sounds like Grandma is going to be missing having you all right there and is laying out a little guilt. Understandable...give her a hug.

Yes, it is understandable and I bet that even as Grandma presents the obstacles she knows why she is doing that. I am a Nana and was fortunate to have my Dd and her family with s for a while as they saved for their home. DH and I loved having them here, (we are not very good empty nesters) and we always knew that they were going to find their home and move but when that time came it was very hard to let my DGD go with them. We had gotten very used to having her running throught the house, having her friends over and enjoyed participating in her life. I admit that we even tried to talk them into buying a home on our street because we loved having them closeby. We knew that they knew what worked best for their own family and we really did want that for them but it was very hard and I know that we offered suggestions that really were for our benefit. I imagine that the OP's Mom knows how much she enjoys her grandchildren and no matter how happy she is for her DD she knows that it is not the same when those kids are not residing in their home. Kady is 12 minutes from us and according to my DH it may as well be the end of the Earth

I know some of you questioned if I was kidding or couldn’t believe I would ask something so absurd, but as some of you know, the guilt a Mother is still able to put on her children, even in their adult years sometimes makes you still second guess everything and that is what was occurring to me. I know she will be upset for us to move on, but she had to realize it would come eventually, as I certainly hope she didn’t think I would really be single and living there forever. I know a move will be a huge adjustment, not so much for my son, I think he’ll adjust easily to a new home and new school, it’s my daughter who is more established in her school and activities, she’ll have a hard time with it, but we’ll be close enough that she can see her grandparents, friends, maybe even stay on the same soccer team. Thank you again everyone for your thoughts.

It all works out. My Mom could put that guilt on me and I know that I have laid some on my own kids. Your Mom will be okay, having you home was a positive experience for her and that is why she is presenting her case to have you closer. Just read some of the threads here where parents and their adult children cannot even breathe the same air, never mind share a home. We knew that Marisa would move and we still had a hard time. It is a tough balance, accepting that your child is actually getting what she wants and what you want for her with the realization that now you are losing that company and activity that completed your home. For folks who like a busy home the quiet is not always welcome. Good luck and congratulations on your future together!

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh gosh, 25 minutes! Easy.

You should check with the school districts, make absolutely SURE they have to move. Maybe there's some sort of way you can keep them in the same school. Though the K will be going to 1st, and I went to Montessori instead of Kindergarten so I didn't experience it, but the K at my elementary school was kept *entirely* separate from the other grades, so it was like a whole new world anyway...changing to a different school would hardly have been different. And the 4th grader will be going into 5th...the following year s/he'll be going to Middle School anyway, so she's just switching schools a year early, right? Is it an entirely different district, or might she end up back with the same kids for Middle School?

But ultimately, it always seems scarier than it ends up being. We went to a different school when I was in 4th and my brother was in 1st. The anticipation was HORRIBLE. The reality was...just fine. We made friends, had fun, learned a lot (which is the most important part, as school is for schoolwork), it was fine.


Take things slow...there's plenty of time to get people used to the idea of the new house, make sure the house is really suitable for a family, figure out different ways that the kids can really make it their home after you guys are married, etc etc. And if you marry in the Summer they'll have that time to meet the kids in the neighborhood.

 

[GothTink]

Sounds liek Mom doesn't want to "lose" you and the kids. Be gentle, but firm, and move in with your soon-to-be husband.