Adoptive Parents -- Prep Me for the Social Worker

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

We have started our home study. Been fingerprinted. Know that 3 out of 4 reference letters have been sent in. Have our paperwork filled out to the best of our ability.

On Monday, our social worker, Ed, is coming by for a home visit. I will be off that day, as I had taken a long weekend (Friday-Monday) because every year my husband and I attend a local Beatles convention. Since we will be away from home most of Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday, I am trying to clean up the house now. (although I know it SHOULDN'T be immaculate -- and believe me I could never be that good of a housekeeper).

I know we will be good parents. I know that the social worker is NOT judging us and is here to help us, but I am still pretty nervous about this.

Any tips from those of you who've done this before would be greatly appreciated.

 

[RUDisney]

Did you drink the beer yet?

Just be yourself. The questions that you'll be asked are about how you were raised, how you'd have done it differently or the same, what do you like most about your spouse and least, etc. It's definitely not an inquisition, but it is nerve-racking until it's done and you'll learn fast if the SW is into preserving buraucracy (sp?) or not. Ours was definitely about keeping the red tape strong, but the one the agency recommended that we didn't use was all about finishing his work and moving on. Hopefully, for you, your SW will be the latter.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[wovenwonder]

Just be yourself! I have no experience here -- but have followed your 'struggles' thru the years --- and I am just jumping for joy for you! This is a big/happy step in your life!

YIPEEEEEEE!

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

RUDisney, no we haven't drunk the beer yet. Do you want me to email it to you? Seriously, I think we're going to take some of it to the convention to share with friends, give some of it to my brother and hide the rest in the cooler in the basement. Speaking of which, I am dreading this guy seeing our basement. It is an unfinished mess. But just fine for doing laundry.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[Dan Murphy]

As said, Liz, be yourselves, can't go wrong with that. My very best.

 

[jamsmom]

I think if he knows your a faithful poster on the DIS then everything should be fine.

Just be yourself. I haven't been on your end, but I am adopted

 

[mamajoan]

The most important thing I can tell you is to answer all the questions with complete honesty.. social workers KNOW the drill, they KNOW how to see thru bravado, angst, nerves, lies, and manipulations... by answering the questions posed honestly without worry of reprocussion you will be judged fairly.. don't worry about being PC.... the social worker will be able to place a child that matches and for whom you are a match.. the idea of adoption being.. to find a family for the child... NOT to find a child for the family.

Have you gone thru the home safety precaution checklist sent by the foster/adoption office? This is a necessity that must be completed prior to placement. I found it easier to have it done and out of the way prior to the interview process. We also did a
Welcome to the family type of photo album during the process. It was a neat way to introduce ourselves to Social Workers looking to place a child.. ie.. This is mom, dad, careers, kids, animals, house, family activities (a picture of Disneyland of course! )Grandparents etc.... not fancy or over abundant.. just simple pictures with captions. I am sure you have had MANY, MANY discussions with your dh regarding child rearing options, discipline, your abilities to handle kids with disabilities, birthparent connection options.. etc. These are some of the topics that may be discussed during your interview. Please know that there are NO WRONG ANSWERS!! really
It is nerve racking.. that is for sure. I hope you have great Social workers! God love them.. they are truly overworked and underpaid. I wish you the best of luck during this adoption adventure! May you be blessed with great joy. I am sorry if my information is redundant.... not sure what type of adoption you are looking to complete.
Joan

 

[Denine]

Congratulations first of all! Just relax and be yourselves. The SW wants to see how you and DH are together, not the perfect people! They aren't looking to see how clean your house is or if your basement is finished. They do want to make sure it will be a safe environment. Have you had the fire department out yet?
I can't believe we did all this 4 years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago. We have updated it once and may need to update our homestudy once more.
Our sweet daughter came home to us on October 28th at the age of 1 month. She was 6 months old yesterday and the adoption should be finalized in early May. It depends on when we get a court date.

 

[pnelson]

Well, not sure where you are in the process, but our social worker did not come out to our house until after she had already interviewed my husband and I together, and each of us separately. She was very relaxed as far as safety proofing. She did talk to our 9 year old son privately. She wanted to make sure all members of the family were prepared. Also, the real grilling came later when she went back to her office to write up our home study. That's when she went over her notes from all the interviews and would call to clarify something. My husband was very honest with her-he was "slightly" a wild child in the 70's and this has caused some concern on her part. I almost wish he hadn't been quite so "honest" but it all worked out. It seems like you have gotten to your home study rather quickly-In our county, the home study is the last thing they do. We had to show that we had a bed/crib for the child, a carseat, and a first aid kit. Our you going through the county?

We are still waiting to hear more information about the six month old boy we were told about a couple of weeks ago.

 

[FOJMO]

Maybe because it was so long ago, or maybe because we adopted our DD (17) internationally (South Korea), but I don't remember our SW taking a tour of our house. We did show her the nursery and, of course, she saw the immediate area around it (living room, kitchen, etc.) but I don't remember taking her all around the house!

Just as others have said, be yourself. If you are nervous, they will understand that. They almost expect it. If you wouldn't be nervous, I think they'd be surprised.

We didn't do anything special like putting together a family photo album. I would think that would look like we were trying too hard to impress, but to each his own.

You need to be prepared, as relaxed as you can, and most of all, show your enthusiasm and love in everything you discuss. Make this expected child the center of your life, as he/she will be.

Good luck and happy parenting! Our DD is a joy and the best thing that ever happened to us!!!!

 

[mamajoan]

the family album was not done to "impress" anyone.
It was used as an introduction medium so that the Foster mom could show our dd some pictures before we arrived to meet her.
Sometimes The albums are also used to share with birth moms who may be placing their infants voluntarily.
As I said in previous post.. sometimes the child placement social workers may look at the albums in addition to a regular family file as to familiarize themselves with prospective parents. I was told it helps to have a face to associate with a file.

I am assuming that international infant adoptions thru a private agency may work a bit differently.

 

[Rajah]

No words of wisdom for you since I haven't been on either side of the process, but I do want to wish you luck!!

 

[Luckymommyx2]

We loved our social worker! She came to our house several times. The first time she interviewed our friends who came to our house. Then she interviewed my husband and I seperately, then together. I was just upfront that I was nervous and excited and she completely understood. She made me feel totally relaxed and at ease. She did take a quick tour of the house just to make sure we had a place for our children to sleep and some other very elementary, basic stuff. She also provided us with support throughout the process which was priceless. We have kept in touch with her and her family ever since. Please don't worry about this. I know every sw is different but I don't recall of ever hearing anything bad from an interview with their sw. As you well know just be yourself and relax. It will all be over before you know it!

 

[RUDisney]

Really, I am kidding about the beer. We have a large, well-stocked bar that we were concerned about being rejected for because the liquor isn't locked up but displayed on shelves. We also have a wine cellar. I thought he might deem us alcoholics because of the alcohol we have... we'd only drink maybe 3 glasses over the course of a week and now that the kids are here, we don't have time to even think about having a glass of wine with dinner.

Remember, people drink. There's no sin in that if it's kept in moderation. Obviously, you and DH are not heavy drinkers since you have this beer still hanging around. Don't go out of your way to hide it.

I told our SW that we wanted to raise our kids to have a healthy attitude about alcohol. In our opinion, if you hide it from the kids or make them think there's some big mystery about it, they will want it more. That's how my parents raised us and none of us ever had the need to party in HS or college, so the theory worked in our case.

 

[FOJMO]

I sent you a PM, but it says your mailbox is full.

 

[Denine]

It is interesting to hear how different places do the homestudy.
We were interviewed in our home first and then we did the separate interviews.
We also had a "profile". Basically it was a resume of DH and myself with pictures. The agency kept several of them on hand to show birthmom's that expressed interest in our type of family. The agency would give them several to look over and they would choose who to interview.
We actually never were interviewed by anyone. The birthparents didn't want to limit themselves, so the agency chose based on the type of parents that the birthparents wanted.
I couldn't imagine buying a carseat ahead of time just to have it sitting somewhere for several years.
We found out 1 week before we were to leave on a 2 week Disney cruise after waiting for 4 years. We bought or were given everything we needed for a baby in 1 week. It would have been heartbreaking having babystuff sitting around not being used.
Obviously it is different if you are adopting an older child.

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Actually, it is my understanding that the Home Study is something you need to do first.

We are trying a private adoption and thought we had a potential birth mom on the other coast. We hadn't even thought about getting an 800# (which our attorney recommended). We sent the birth parent letter. Then she wanted more info and photos, including if we had our homestudy finished! We sent our photo album out and haven't heard back...so we think that may be a lost cause (which is ok...if one birth parent liked our letter I'm sure another one will).

We have nothing prepared for a new born yet. And as Denine said, I can't imagine having things around the house when you have no idea how long the process might take. For me it would be a heartbreaking reminder that things hadn't yet worked out.

I suppose each case is different though.

Thanks for all your support.

 

[rae519]

One of the big questions may be if you are adopting outside your own race, then "how will you teach the child about their culture/race?"

DH and I are caucasian with one birth child; our other children were mixed race (adopted as infants) - so we have been through it more than once and survived!!!

Be honest, open and remember the Social Workers are only humans like you are!!

Best Best wishes to you!

Rae

 

[FOJMO]

Originally posted by rae519
One of the big questions may be if you are adopting outside your own race, then "how will you teach the child about their culture/race?"

Our DD (17) is Asian and my DH and I are Caucasian. We have never taught our child anything about her "culture or race". She was 4 mos old when whe came to America and that's all she knows.

I was born of German/Irish descent and no one ever taught me about either of those cultures or countries.

Our DD looks different from us, but it has never been anything we've had to address with anyone (except some kids in elementary school calling her Chinese and she corrected them).

There were several couples in our home study group and in the adoption community that went so far out of their way to take their child to Korean Culture Camp, Korean Language classes, dressing them for formal pictures in traditional Korean outfits. I thought it was ludicrous. We felt that our DD was American and that's what she's been brought up with. She has expressed absolutely no interest in the Asian culture or Korea. To us that was just pointing out how "different" she was from her peers and that's one thing she didn't want! She wanted to blend in and not stick out.

The one thing we wish we did have was more info on her birth family's medical history. We're clueless when we go to the doctor. All we know so far is that she has allergies.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by FOJMO
There were several couples in our home study group and in the adoption community that went so far out of their way to take their child to Korean Culture Camp, Korean Language classes, dressing them for formal pictures in traditional Korean outfits. I thought it was ludicrous. We felt that our DD was American and that's what she's been brought up with.

We live in an area that is VERY ethnic. People who move here or move away from here are very shocked to see that not everyone equates themselves to being Irish, Italian, Polish, etc., outside of this area. I never expressed that I was American until I traveled to Europe. When asked locally, I'd say I'm 3/4 Polish and 1/4 Russian. I am the third generation of my family in this country.

My DH and I are both of the same ethnic background as our children. That's one of the reasons we wanted to adopt from Russia. We believed that we could uphold some of the traditions from Russia, as we were both brought up with some of these traditions. I don't think it's ludicrous to keep an adopted child in touch with his or her past. But, I also don't think it's ludicrous to adapt them to just American customs. Either way is fine, as long as the child is happy.