Adoptive Parents -- Prep Me for the Social Worker

[helenabear]

No advise but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck Liz

 

[Denine]

Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you have any questions or just need support.
It can be a long process, especially after all the "necessary stuff" is completed. Then it is sit and wait. At least it was for us. We went through an agency.
We were actually not going to renew our homestudy at the end of May and just live life as just the 2 of us, but then Kaleigh came along!
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

 

[loisg1]

We adopted DD14 and DD12 (on Monday ) as infants. Our first SW was an absolute doll and we are still in contact with her. Don't concern yourself with the house sparkling, or that the basement's unfinished. Safety is their main concern where your home is concerned. Just chat as though this is a friend you've invited over for a cup of coffee and relax!! I'm sure the SW will lead the conversation.

Patience is a definite virtue when it comes to adoption. You never know when the call will come. Our experience, as well as many other adoptive parents we know, has been that when you absolutely least expect it, that's when you'll receive your call.

Good luck and take care.
Lois

 

[rae519]

My question wasn't designed to "inflame" or bring about a debate regarding raising an adopted child from another culture/race to accept/reject/know their birth culture, I was just providing information as to a question WE were asked each time we adopted our children who are mixed race. IF people are not familiar with homestudies and interviews, they will not be prepared to face this type question.

The social workers we had DID ask us this question and regardless of what our answer was, it is still up to the parents to do what they believe is right in the situation. We had to provide statements from individuals of "races other than caucasian" for our homestudy to prove we were accepting and open to other nationalities. Our first homestudy was in mid 1980 and the second in mid 1990.

We did not meet our daughter's birth mother and have only had e-mail contact with her since Kayla's death. We did meet Michael's birthmother and elected to continue contact which she determined was not in his best interest and terminated. Both are very valued members of our family and both expressed opinions early on that THEIR children be raised to know BOTH races/cultures equally. I think that respecting their wishes was the least I could do for them.

Rae

 

[Denine]

In NE Ohio, Catholic Charities has 2 adoption offices, one in Lake county and one in Lorain county. The one in Lorain, if you are assigned to it, makes you write up how you will teach your child about it's nationality/race/culture. The other county does not.
We did not have to do it, but Epcot is a great place. Look how many cultures are represented.

 

[mamajoan]

Hurray for RAE!!!

I have a vested interest in adoption's that are multi-racial/cultural.
Personally I think you are doing a good job to help with any self esteem issues that may arise.

Thank you for appreciating the birthmoms in your particular situation.

Adoptive, Foster, biological.. being a parent is a individual effort to provide the best care possible for that particular child in each family! Best wishes to all!

 

[rae519]

Thank you mamajoan!

My children will always have their birth families and our family - there is NEVER enough love for any child to exclude either family from their lives.

And my opinion on multi-cultural - my heritage is Irish/Russian but I am an American, first, last and always! I appreciate my heritage and know my cultures but as I choose to raise my children to honor their heritages, I also present the attitude to them that we are one race - HUMAN and we are under God (whatever form of higher power a person may or may not believe in).

My children always knew they were adopted and Kayla called her birth mother, her "friend mother" and even though she never met her, her "friend mother" was honored and loved and prayed for.

Michael hasn't met his birthmother but she knows who we are, where we are and that our door is ALWAYS open to her. She remains a silent but cherished member of our family.

I thank God for them and their courage to place their children for adoption and thank them for choosing us as their children's parents.

Rae

 

[jamsmom]

How many of us who have children not through adoption could "pass" a home study?

I am amazed at all that my parents went through just for me

 

[Libbysmom2000]

Annie&Hallie'smom,

First off congratulations. I can empathize with your anxiety I think you really could have eaten off the floors in our house before our social worker visited!! One thing to remember throughout this process is that the Social Worker is on your side. He/she wants to place children in loving homes. Just be yourselves and everything will be fine. They don't expect a nursery to be set up waiting for a baby or the entire house to be child proofed. They also don't expect you to have all the answers, what parent or prospective parent does.

One comment I would like to make is regarding adopting a child of a different race or ethnic background from your DH or you. Our 3 1/2 yo DD is from China. We are fortunate to live in a culturally diverse area that includes many families with children adopted from Asia. The amount of birth culture exposure among these families ranges from none to complete immersion. As with any parenting situation you need to try different things until you find what works. There's rarely a right or wrong way. For us our DD knows she was adopted from China and we celebrate the major Chinese holidays as well as attend some special events. This seems to be working for us now.

 

[rae519]

jamsmom - yes, there is a lot to go through for a homestudy but there is so much love involved, that just as a birthmother goes through labor for her child then forgets the pain, it's the same with the paperwork part of homestudy for adoptive parents.

Coming from both mother who has given birth (my oldest is 22) and an adoptive mother (1987 and 1995), I love each of my children for their uniqueness and thank God that they were given to me regardless of their birth situation!

Rae

 

[wovenwonder]

We have nothing prepared for a new born yet. And as Denine said, I can't imagine having things around the house when you have no idea how long the process might take. For me it would be a heartbreaking reminder that things hadn't yet worked out.

Hmmmm --- I bet we could order up a DIS Baby Shower pretty quickly! You've been waiting so long for this -- I'd love to 'shower upon you' when the time finally comes for you!

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by rae519
jamsmom - yes, there is a lot to go through for a homestudy but there is so much love involved, that just as a birthmother goes through labor for her child then forgets the pain, it's the same with the paperwork part of homestudy for adoptive parents.

This is so true. That's what Barbara Walters calls "born from my heart."

I wanted to share this here. I was given this prior to our adoption. I keep a copy of it with me in my wallet at all times. Warning... get a kleenex out...

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other;
One you do not remember
The other you call Mother;
Two different lives, shaped to make yours one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you Life;
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.
One gave you away – it was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child – and
God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your tears
The age-old question unanswered through the years:
Heredity or Environment – which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Jody, thanks for the shower offer! I hope to take you up on it some day!

RU that is a BEAUTIFUL poem! Thanks for sharing it!

 

[Denine]

RUdisney: That is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes

A funny thing about showers: Kaleigh was supposed to have her's November 10th. We brought her home on October 28th. I came down with bronchitis and a sinus infection the evening we brought her home. I gave bronchitis to her. She ended up in the hospital on November 9th. It was a mucous plug, which is what I thought, but she was only 6 weeks old. They transferred her to the local children's hospital where she ended up spending a total of 5 days, just so they could tell us it was mucus plug. She missed her shower, the gifts trickled in and we had her cake on Thanksgiving. My, MIL froze it. She is completely healthy and I just found the start of her 1st 2 teeth coming in. All the pain and she finally has something to show for it!

I can't wait for my 1st Mother's Day. I can finally be happy instead of depressed.

Birthparents: we were lucky in that both parents were known and filled out all the medical info. That is not always the case. Kaleigh's birthmom decided not to see Kaleigh at all. At first they didn't even want to know if she was a boy or girl. We have contact, in that I send pictures through the agency. We have had no contact from them. Right now, the agency doesn't know where she is but her mom found out about her pregnancy and contacted the agency. She is supposed to fill out another medical form.

I hope you don't mind me rambling on. This is still all so new after waiting for so long, 8 years between trying and waiting to adopt.

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Denine, ramble all you want...I really enjoy hearing your story.