A Wedding WWYD?

[luvbwv]

I'll be blunt, it is really none of your business why the wedding date is what it is. Just because you feel a date is "nothing special" doesn't mean they don't.
Having said that, I'd go on the cruise and send my regrets. Besides it doesn't sound like you like this part of your family very much anyway so you'd probably enjoy the cruise with your friends more.

Bravo! It does sound as if you wouldn't want to go even if you did not already have plans. If a bride and groom tried to please everyone when planning a wedding no one would ever get married! Go ahead and go on the cruise, let them have their wedding when and where they want it.

 

[luvbwv]

OP---you keep mentioning that you told your brother your vacation dates when you booked.
Um, why?

Did the groom ask that all the extended family let him know what dates he should plan his wedding around?

I mean, seriously, I would have thought it was pretty pushy/rude if one of my relatives had told me their vacation plans after my engagement with the clear thought that I'd plan my wedding around them. I think that is seriously overstepping if you were not specifically asked to do so.

Personally, I agree with most posters here: go on the cruise, you are not required to change previously made plans to attend a wedding. Just wait until you are invited or asked to save the date and then send sincere and kind regrets directly to the groom and bride and send the gift you would have bought.

DON'T mutter about your dislike for the venue choice to anyone (beleive me, 21 years later and DH still recalls hearing about one aunt and uncle grumbling about our lower cost event; it did a lot to cool his feelings towards people he had previously thought cared more about him than money)

DON'T make this about the other scheduling issues you've had with your brother (maybe if you plan the big events you can choose dates which work better for you? but in this case it is the groom and his bride who get to do all the planning. period).

DON'T make an issue about the bride getting sick and leaving family functions early. (I have to admit---I wonder if the animosity towards your brother displayed here is carrying over into real life tensions which make those gatherings anxiety invoking for the bride and if that is part of why the wedding keeps moving further from the groom's family?)

Basically---keep this simple. When you are invited, if it turns out that the wedding is actually at the same time as your previously planned cruise, decide which you'd rather do and if it is the cruise politely decline the invite---it doesn't need to be about anything more than that. No drama.

Well said. The OP sounds as if she is trying to hard to justify her reason for not attending. It sounds like this is about way more than a wedding date. Maybe the bride feels this tension and has decided to plan things her way to avoid getting in the middle of this mess, I don't blame her. If you don't want to go then don't go! It should not be a hard decision. If your brother expects you to change your plans it is probably because you have always done that in the past, he is probably confused about your sudden reluctance. Go on the cruise, but stop criticizing the bride & groom for their choices. It is THEIR wedding.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I agree that DH and I won't be much fun to be around if we attend this wedding. He is barely speaking to me for even considering canceling the cruise. It doesn't help that this is the same brother who has ignored our wishes for other family events. One year he planned an anniversary trip for everyone to go away with my parents. We told him we couldn't go until after a certain date because DH wouldn't be able to get off work until then. He chose to schedule the trip for a weekend that we couldn't go. This year he gave us three days notice that they were throwing an anniversary brunch for my parents. We already had plans that we couldn't cancel. He also picked the date for the family Christmas celebration on the day nobody else wanted. We went to that, but it meant that my children couldn't attend.

I would go on the cruise with your friends. You have made plans with them and they have had their vacation approved a year in advance to go on this cruise with you two. I don't think it would be right to cancel the cruise.

Also the bolded above tells me that the father of the groom does what he wants to do without much regard for other people in the family. He does not care whether you can be at events he plans or not, so this should not be any different. He seems to not even care that the grandparents may not be able to attend. Plus, there is no guarantee that the couple will even get married on the date that they are mentioning. I would not put my plans on hold for that.

An invitation is simply that, an invitation. If you are able to and want to go, do so. If you can't go, send a card and gift along with your regrets. Do not go into any long explanations or try to justify why you aren't attending as that only opens it up for more discussion, trying to guilt you, bad feelings, etc.

I would not discuss the cruise anymore with the father of the groom and definitely not that it is refundable! (I would not have mentioned that in the first place.) In fact, I would not discuss the wedding at all--no comments on date, venue, etc. Wait for the invitation to come in the mail and then rsvp accordingly. As luvbwv said, keep it simple.

 

[CayBoo]

These things happen. When my DH and I planned our wedding, my Aunt and Uncle had already made plans to go to Hawaii. I was bummed they couldn't be there, because that meant my Grandma wouldn't fly out since she hates traveling alone. So I had a large majority of my family miss out. But at the end of the day, they had their own plans and we had ours. I'm glad I didn't change my dates.

 

[leebee]

Go on the cruise. You have made plans with other people, vacation time has been allotted, deposits have been paid. You know it's what you want to do, and there really isn't anything much any of us on the DIS can do to make you feel not guilty about choosing the cruise!

Just had a broad, general discussion with DD about dates and locations (no engagement yet, but they are talking and have looked at rings). They are pretty clear: The location will be equidistant from his parents and us (and most of both families live in the same state), and as far as the date, DD's best friend, who'll be her maid of honor, is in law school, so the date will work around her schedule and DH's teaching commitments. The rest of us have vacation days, personal time, etc., and will make it work. She's leaning towards sometime after most colleges have graduations, not worried about public schools as there are no school-aged kids to consider (don't start about not inviting kids to weddings, it's their wedding, their wish, and it might change), and of course working within the budget.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We have a cruise booked for next fall. Friends have also booked to go with us. These friends have to get their vacation approved at work a year in advance. They have their vacation time approved and cannot reschedule, so they will go on this cruise whether we go or not. Our cruise deposit is fully refundable at this point. We have not started making flight and hotel reservations, but would like to start doing this next month when Southwest opens their schedule for fall. Other relatives would like to go on the cruise with us but have not booked yet.

After the cruise was booked, one of my nephews started planning his wedding. The original plan was to get married this spring not too far away so his grandfather could attend. That grandfather has since passed, so that plan is out and he is now planning a fall wedding further away near the bride's hometown. Wedding plans have not been finalized, but he is planning to have his wedding the weekend we are supposed to leave for the cruise. There is no way for us to attend both due to timing/distance. We cannot simply switch weeks for our cruise. In addition to our friends being locked in to this week, the cruise is only offered twice per year. The first cruise ends on the day of the wedding and the second leaves on the day of the wedding. So we would have to pick a completely different cruise and go on this one another year. My brother and his wife know this and are completely unwilling to move the wedding date despite nothing being booked for the wedding yet.

I was originally planning to cancel the cruise for the wedding, but I have looked up where they are planning to have the wedding, and it is in a small picnic pavilion in a state park with no facilities. There is simply a small roof over a dozen picnic tables, a small grill, and two outhouses. I am not thrilled with having to cancel all of my plans to attend a picnic wedding, but I am sure if I don't go my brother and his wife will be furious and will probably not attend anything in the future that I plan. Nobody is thrilled about going to this wedding due to timing since it is after school goes back in the fall. My other brother has two children in college that he doesn't want to skip classes for this wedding. Even the groom's sister is not sure if she can skip college classes to go to this wedding. And then there are my elderly parents who no longer travel. It would have been difficult to get them to travel to begin with, but I don't see them willing to go now that we know it is just a picnic in a park.

So there is my dilemma. Would you cancel the cruise and go to the wedding, or stick with the original cruise plans?

No dilemma, go on the cruise. AHOY!