A Wedding WWYD?

[mi*vida*loca]

This is how it would be for me with my family. I would move a mountain to be at my nephew's wedding but my sister would help me move it. The situation the OP describes doesn't lend itself (IMO) to this type of accommodations.

I agree. And if my brother had an issue with one of my kids unbooked wedding dates, i can guarantee they would change the date. Not because i would force them but because he’s family and important in their life.

 

[luvsJack]

who set the date, your brother or the bride and groom? Keep in mind there may be things you have no idea about that may be why they set the date when they did.

DD and her bf set their date so her oldest brother will be home. He is only home 6 months out of the year and his travel dates are always tentative. So, the date they picked is just a mid month weekend but it insures that ds will be here for his sister's wedding. If anyone else has issues with it, oh well. We already know that the groom's family that live out of state will have to pull their kids out of school to attend but the groom agreed that it was most important that dd's brother be in attendance and doesn't think his uncle will have any problem doing just that.

If it was me, I can't say I would 100% do one or the other. Just depends on how much being there meant to me and dh.

 

[Christine]

Well since it's not your wedding, you don't get a say in the date. I don't understand people's need to try to change other people's plans. They planned the date for their wedding that works for them and you planned a date for your cruise that works for you. No harm no fowl. Go on your cruise and send a gift.

My nephew/godson and my other nephew are getting married on the same day. One is in my home state and one is in Vegas. I am not going to bend myself into a pretzel - I will go to the one that works for me and send a gift to the one that doesn't.

You should do the same.

I don't think she's trying to change the date. But it seems, in discussions with her own brother, that she is expected to be at the wedding. If someone really wanted me at their wedding, and they had already changed the date and venue multiple times, AND I had already booked my trip around the first date that was discussed, then I don't think it would be out of line to discuss changing the date of the wedding.

But...I agree with you in that a guest really gets no say in the date. If the guest cannot make it, then family members (the OP's brother) should not be copping an attitude about it either. It goes both ways.

 

[Wishing on a star]

but I am sure if I don't go my brother and his wife will be furious and will probably not attend anything in the future that I plan. Nobody is thrilled about going to this wedding due to timing since it is after school goes back in the fall. My other brother has two children in college that he doesn't want to skip classes for this wedding. Even the groom's sister is not sure if she can skip college classes to go to this wedding. And then there are my elderly parents who no longer travel.

Yes, this, from the original post, tells me everything I need to know.....
I have learned to let people who want to 'Fall On Knives' to just go ahead and fall.

 

[Procrastinate]

I believe the bride and groom are choosing the wedding date. I assume both sets of parents are also involved in the discussion. I booked the cruise long before they started discussing a September wedding. I let them know my cruise dates as soon as they started discussing September. Other family members have expressed concern over school dates. I don't have that issue. To the best of my knowledge, there is nothing special about that date since the initial discussions were that they were considering dates around September. If there is something special about that date, I wish they would tell me.

If a close relative were to tell me early in the planning process that they have a conflict around a certain date, I would avoid that date if possible. If it couldn't be avoided, I would tell them that I would understand if they couldn't attend. I can't imagine telling anyone that they would just have to cancel their vacation. Honestly, I have been the one to usually bend backwards to avoid family confrontations. There has been a lot more that has gone on totally unrelated to this wedding where I have bitten my tongue over things they have done. Perhaps I should have said as soon as they started talking weddings that I would not be able to attend certain dates. I definitely gave them the impression that I could cancel if needed. That was my fault.

And I apologize if I have given the impression that a picnic wedding is not good enough. I have been to weddings in parks and in someone's family room and have no problem with such events. I do think at some point it is expecting a lot for someone to make a lengthy trip for a very casual affair. I am not saying that I am at that point, but it is something to consider. The current location is 10 hours each way if we drive or flights and rental car if we fly as I live farther away than the rest of the family. Plus lodging of course. The gift will be the same whether I go or not. I don't believe in factoring travel costs into that or playing the "cover the plate" game.

 

[okeydokey]

If it were a cruise for just my husband and I then I would cancel and rebook the cruise. However you have committed to a trip with another couple so I would keep your original committment.

 

[KayKayJS]

I just got married, so this all is very fresh to me.

The answer is very simple for you - just don't go.

Your opinions about anything related to their wedding don't matter. It's not your wedding. If you don't like the time, the venue, whether or not its kid friendly, etc etc. Your opinion just doesn't matter.

The only person I checked with about our wedding plans were our parents. Made sure that day was good for them and that was it. If it didn't work for someone else, well.... sorry. Wedding planning is stressful and expensive enough without every aunt uncle cousin and friend telling you what would be best for THEM.

 

[morgan98]

This is the type of thread that I read and sometimes think there is something wrong with us. We do not have children, so I do not think there is anyone out there that would have a wedding that I would absolutely, positively have to attend. However, big weddings are not really my thing and I believe that getting married is really between the two people getting married. I cannot imagine getting all bent out of shape if someone could not attend, especially if I have not even firm up the date yet myself.

***This is not to say that there are not people that are important to me, etc. I just cannot imagine going around and around with family about my personal plans for someone's else's wedding.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would just go through with your plans. It seems that there is going to be a lot of stress as it is with this wedding, and maybe some frustration or resentment on both sides.

I would not miss my nephew or nieces wedding day. I have moved vacations and have canceled them, but the decision was mine and was not made because a sibling guilted me into making changes. My godchild called to make sure I would be able to attend her wedding before locking in her dates. This is why I make adjustments, my family is willing to as well. It seems that your family cannot even make a date but wants the World on hold while they dither around. I would not be willing to put up with that, and still cancel my own plans.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP---you keep mentioning that you told your brother your vacation dates when you booked.
Um, why?

Did the groom ask that all the extended family let him know what dates he should plan his wedding around?

I mean, seriously, I would have thought it was pretty pushy/rude if one of my relatives had told me their vacation plans after my engagement with the clear thought that I'd plan my wedding around them. I think that is seriously overstepping if you were not specifically asked to do so.

Personally, I agree with most posters here: go on the cruise, you are not required to change previously made plans to attend a wedding. Just wait until you are invited or asked to save the date and then send sincere and kind regrets directly to the groom and bride and send the gift you would have bought.

DON'T mutter about your dislike for the venue choice to anyone (beleive me, 21 years later and DH still recalls hearing about one aunt and uncle grumbling about our lower cost event; it did a lot to cool his feelings towards people he had previously thought cared more about him than money)

DON'T make this about the other scheduling issues you've had with your brother (maybe if you plan the big events you can choose dates which work better for you? but in this case it is the groom and his bride who get to do all the planning. period).

DON'T make an issue about the bride getting sick and leaving family functions early. (I have to admit---I wonder if the animosity towards your brother displayed here is carrying over into real life tensions which make those gatherings anxiety invoking for the bride and if that is part of why the wedding keeps moving further from the groom's family?)

Basically---keep this simple. When you are invited, if it turns out that the wedding is actually at the same time as your previously planned cruise, decide which you'd rather do and if it is the cruise politely decline the invite---it doesn't need to be about anything more than that. No drama.

 

[sam_gordon]

IMO, this is very easy.

How important (to you) is it for you to see your nephew get married? The venue shouldn't matter IMO. If it's important to you, you make arrangements to go. If that means cancelling other plans, so be it. If it's not, "sorry, we're not able to attend".

 

[Procrastinate]

I did not tell my brother my vacation plans when I booked.

The engagement happened five years ago. I stopped asking when the wedding would be long ago.

When they started making plans, they were originally discussing a spring wedding. When that didn't work out, they started talking about the fall. At some point I mentioned to my parents that I have a cruise booked for the last week in September. I do not recall if I mentioned that before or after my nephew started discussing a wedding date. Word got back to my brother and his wife that I have a cruise booked for September. At some point they asked me when my cruise was and said that was one of the dates being considered for the wedding. I have never asked them to plan the wedding around my schedule. I am not sure if my brother even knows that I have friends who booked the cruise to go with us. My daughter wants to go on the cruise with us, but I have told her not to book yet because of this wedding. They don't know that. I certainly haven't voiced my opinion of any of the potential venues to them or any other family member besides my husband.

The only reason I even know about the current plan is that I overheard my other brother asking. He was pushing to know if they had chosen a location and date so they can start making plans. He also has issues with the same sister-in-law.

I have not made an issue of the bride-to-be always getting sick. I have asked my parents if she is all right. They have noticed and asked about it but don't know the cause. The only reason I mentioned that was because she disappeared so nobody was able to discuss wedding plans with her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I did not tell my brother my vacation plans when I booked.

The engagement happened five years ago. I stopped asking when the wedding would be long ago.

When they started making plans, they were originally discussing a spring wedding. When that didn't work out, they started talking about the fall. At some point I mentioned to my parents that I have a cruise booked for the last week in September. I do not recall if I mentioned that before or after my nephew started discussing a wedding date. Word got back to my brother and his wife that I have a cruise booked for September. At some point they asked me when my cruise was and said that was one of the dates being considered for the wedding. I have never asked them to plan the wedding around my schedule. I am not sure if my brother even knows that I have friends who booked the cruise to go with us. My daughter wants to go on the cruise with us, but I have told her not to book yet because of this wedding. They don't know that. I certainly haven't voiced my opinion of any of the potential venues to them or any other family member besides my husband.

The only reason I even know about the current plan is that I overheard my other brother asking. He was pushing to know if they had chosen a location and date so they can start making plans. He also has issues with the same sister-in-law.

I have not made an issue of the bride-to-be always getting sick. I have asked my parents if she is all right. They have noticed and asked about it but don't know the cause. The only reason I mentioned that was because she disappeared so nobody was able to discuss wedding plans with her.

Then I REALLY do not understand why this is an issue AT ALL.
There are no firm plans for the wedding yet. You have not been invited yet. Why is there any issue at all, much less one that has you thinking of canceling a cruise and your husband almost not speaking to you?

 

[Minnesota!]

I would state your plans are already solid, and wish them well.

 

[morgan98]

I did not tell my brother my vacation plans when I booked.

The engagement happened five years ago. I stopped asking when the wedding would be long ago.

When they started making plans, they were originally discussing a spring wedding. When that didn't work out, they started talking about the fall. At some point I mentioned to my parents that I have a cruise booked for the last week in September. I do not recall if I mentioned that before or after my nephew started discussing a wedding date. Word got back to my brother and his wife that I have a cruise booked for September. At some point they asked me when my cruise was and said that was one of the dates being considered for the wedding. I have never asked them to plan the wedding around my schedule. I am not sure if my brother even knows that I have friends who booked the cruise to go with us. My daughter wants to go on the cruise with us, but I have told her not to book yet because of this wedding. They don't know that. I certainly haven't voiced my opinion of any of the potential venues to them or any other family member besides my husband.

The only reason I even know about the current plan is that I overheard my other brother asking. He was pushing to know if they had chosen a location and date so they can start making plans. He also has issues with the same sister-in-law.

I have not made an issue of the bride-to-be always getting sick. I have asked my parents if she is all right. They have noticed and asked about it but don't know the cause. The only reason I mentioned that was because she disappeared so nobody was able to discuss wedding plans with her.

I guess it is hard to know all the details on a message board. If your daughter wants to book the vacation with you, I don't understand not booking. She is close enough to the nephew(her cousin) that the wedding is more important?

I would plan for my family. You can't control the others.

 

[Darcy03231]

I'd go on my preplanned cruise and send my regrets for the wedding. An invitation is not a command performance. There have been many things over the years we've had to send our regrets to because of conflicts. DH's sister couldn't make our wedding because of a preplanned trip to Europe.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I wouldn't attend any event that involved an outhouse, even if it was my own kid's wedding

 

[disneymom3]

I'd go on my preplanned cruise and send my regrets for the wedding. An invitation is not a command performance. There have been many things over the years we've had to send our regrets to because of conflicts. DH's sister couldn't make our wedding because of a preplanned trip to Europe.

Exactly. My daughter is getting married in April. My family has to fit here so while we didn't send out save the date cards, I did let all of my family who would be likely to come know so they could plan ahead. There are several members that my daughter really wants to have there. One of them is one of her uncles in law. However, I just heard from my sister that there is a strong possibility that he can't come due to an issue they will be dealing with at that time. He already said he was coming, but life happens. My daughter is sad about it, but there isn't anything to be done. Your brother's demands wouldn't be inspiring me to hang out with him much anyway.

 

[okeydokey]

I just got married, so this all is very fresh to me.

The answer is very simple for you - just don't go.

Your opinions about anything related to their wedding don't matter. It's not your wedding. If you don't like the time, the venue, whether or not its kid friendly, etc etc. Your opinion just doesn't matter.

The only person I checked with about our wedding plans were our parents. Made sure that day was good for them and that was it. If it didn't work for someone else, well.... sorry. Wedding planning is stressful and expensive enough without every aunt uncle cousin and friend telling you what would be best for THEM.

That would be fine except her family expects her to cancel her cruise and go to the wedding. The couple getting married are free to have the attitude that the wedding Is theirs and they can do what they want, but they have to accept that their plans won’t work for everybody and say nothing negative about guests that decline the invite. That is not happening in this instance.

 

[CarolAnn856]

When that didn't work out, they started talking about the fall. At some point I mentioned to my parents that I have a cruise booked for the last week in September. I do not recall if I mentioned that before or after my nephew started discussing a wedding date. Word got back to my brother and his wife that I have a cruise booked for September. At some point they asked me when my cruise was and said that was one of the dates being considered for the wedding.

That's not what came across several times earlier in this thread:

I let them know my vacation dates when they first started planning the wedding months ago.

I let them know my cruise dates as soon as they started discussing September.

I simply told them my cruise dates when they first started planning.

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I have never asked them to plan the wedding around my schedule.

Again, your earlier posts give a different impression:

My brother and his wife know this and are completely unwilling to move the wedding date despite nothing being booked for the wedding yet.

It might be different if they were forced to choose this date because that is the only day the venue had available or if it had some special meaning.

It doesn't help that this is the same brother who has ignored our wishes for other family events.

While I know you are talking about other events here, it seems pretty clear that it is in the context of your wishes being ignored for the wedding, too.

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The date they picked is incredibly inconvenient for everyone on my side of the family since it would mean pulling cousins and his sister out of college to attend.

Other family members have expressed concern over school dates.

So, people who have school-aged family members should only get married in the summer or during winter break? I'm not understanding this problem, unless the wedding is on a Friday, but most picnic-style weddings are on a Saturday.