A Wedding WWYD?

[Procrastinate]

My nephew lives about an hour from my parents. The original wedding location was going to be in a resort or B&B about 5 and a half hours from my parents. So traveling would have been an issue, but at least there would probably be rooms my parents could go back to rest or at least comfortable indoor seating and bathrooms. When the other grandfather passed away, that plan was scrapped and we were told the wedding would most likely be in the town my nephew lives in. No travel concerns there although date could have been an issue. At some point they decided that they would get married near the bride's hometown about seven hours from my parents. At that point the wedding was supposed to be in a house that the bride's father's boss owns. So travel would have been an issue, but again there would have been places where my parents could go sit down comfortably indoors. I just learned this past weekend that they are now planning this state park near the bride's home town with no indoor facilities and about 15 miles from the nearest hotel. I am not sure where the bride lives so I don't know if her home is closer than 15 miles to the park. The only seating would be picnic tables unless someone brings camp chairs. My parents are elderly with limited mobility. So this goes beyond whether or not I cancel my cruise. I have told them I am definitely not going to cancel until plans are firm since they have already changed multiple times.

 

[aprilgail]

I wouldn't change plans for any wedding except my daughter's. We had family unable to attend our wedding. It would have been nice to have them there but it didn't take away from the day in amy way.

I agree- only persons wedding I would change things for is my own daughters- not any other friends/relatives. I wouldn't change vacation plans for a reception in a 5 star venue and certainly would not change any kind of plan I had for a picnic in a park.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Well since it's not your wedding, you don't get a say in the date. I don't understand people's need to try to change other people's plans. They planned the date for their wedding that works for them and you planned a date for your cruise that works for you. No harm no fowl. Go on your cruise and send a gift.

My nephew/godson and my other nephew are getting married on the same day. One is in my home state and one is in Vegas. I am not going to bend myself into a pretzel - I will go to the one that works for me and send a gift to the one that doesn't.

You should do the same.

 

[BLAZEY]

I would go on the already planned cruise and if I felt generous, I might send a gift. As a bride I never expected a gift from any of my guests, especially those who did not attend my wedding?

 

[scrhsa]

I had to miss my only sister's oldest dd's wedding. We are very close. It was in Oct. and way out of state. I work at a school and my youngest dd was in HS. My husband has a job to where if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. It was a nightmare trying to figure out how we would be able to get there. Between everyone's schedule and the cost of getting there and staying in multiple hotels etc etc. It was very heart breaking when my niece said that she never pictured her wedding without me being there. We just couldn't do it. But they did understand. It's a good thing we weren't able to make it too. My husband ended up having a pulmonary embolism that weekend. What a nightmare that would have been had he had that 5 states away or even driving!! God does work in mysterious ways

 

[blana]

I have told them I am definitely not going to cancel until plans are firm since they have already changed multiple times.

I think this is a bit of a problematic statement, if you actually made it and if you are considering going on the cruise.

I agree with the others who said, go ahead & talk to your nephew. Tell HIM (not your brother) that you have firm plans on the date mentioned and that you're afraid you'll need to miss the wedding. Then, closer to time, send him the gift you would have if you went along with a nice note telling him how sorry you are to miss it, but hope to hear lots of stories the next time you're together.

I moved a vacation due to DH's cousin's wedding one time. Regretted it greatly.

 

[RangerPooh]

It sounds like there are multiple family members who may not be in attendance. Could it be that the couple is anticipating this already and are ok with it? With no firm date in hand I'd keep the cruise. It's entirely possible that with so many family members unable to attend that the date or location might still change. If the date does end up conflicting with the cruise I'd send a gift and a note with your regrets for being unable to attend, but offering to take them to dinner to celebrate their nuptials.

 

[NJlauren]

I say go on the cruise. For some perspective my sister asked me to move my wedding date, I basically told her to **** off. Her reasons were IMO crazy (she works saturdays so Sunday is better for her, but not the rest of the world). Whatever the reasons I think it’s asking a lot of people to move the wedding. You either move your cruise or skip the wedding. I vote skip the wedding.

However are you sure they will even get the date?

At least here wedding spots for the end of September book up a year to 18 months sometime 2 years in advance. This includes venues, church’s, and venders.

So it’s possible they might not be able to book it since as you said nothing is planned.

 

[Hikergirl]

My nephew lives about an hour from my parents. The original wedding location was going to be in a resort or B&B about 5 and a half hours from my parents. So traveling would have been an issue, but at least there would probably be rooms my parents could go back to rest or at least comfortable indoor seating and bathrooms. When the other grandfather passed away, that plan was scrapped and we were told the wedding would most likely be in the town my nephew lives in. No travel concerns there although date could have been an issue. At some point they decided that they would get married near the bride's hometown about seven hours from my parents. At that point the wedding was supposed to be in a house that the bride's father's boss owns. So travel would have been an issue, but again there would have been places where my parents could go sit down comfortably indoors. I just learned this past weekend that they are now planning this state park near the bride's home town with no indoor facilities and about 15 miles from the nearest hotel. I am not sure where the bride lives so I don't know if her home is closer than 15 miles to the park. The only seating would be picnic tables unless someone brings camp chairs. My parents are elderly with limited mobility. So this goes beyond whether or not I cancel my cruise. I have told them I am definitely not going to cancel until plans are firm since they have already changed multiple times.

Ok, in your OP you said your parents "no longer travel". Since the original wedding was in an area they would have to travel too it is probably safe to assume the bride and groom figured they weren't planning on going at all. I don't see why they shouldn't still assume that, and plan a wedding in an area that travel is required if that is what they want. They don't really owe it to anyone to make it convenient, unless that anyone is footing the bill.

You should still go on the cruise if that is what you want to do. You don't owe it to them to change your plans.

 

[piccolopat]

It's ridiculous that they change the wedding date, still have nothing locked down (and are looking at a bare bones event to boot) but still expect you to change all of your plans. Your friends wanted to travel with you and they have to be considered since they can't change their cruise date. There's still a good chance the wedding date will change yet again especially since a growing list of other people will also have problems with the date. I'd send my regrets along with your planned gift and go on the cruise. Explain this directly to your nephew as it is his wedding, not his parents'.

 

[nkereina]

Did you even READ my comments...
I never, EVER, said that this would be the sole reason for not attending a wedding.

I also do not feel that OP needs to provide an 'acceptable' valid excuse.
'Acceptable/valid' is very subjective.

I didn't say that you said that... was this even directed at me? You didn't quote anyone... I'm confused. Regardless, the only point in my post was to say that to decline someone's wedding invitation solely because one doesn't like the facilities (as the OP keeps mentioning) would be pretentious IMO.

 

[Procrastinate]

My parents will not fly and will not drive themselves long distances or to areas they are not familiar with. They will allow others to drive them at least some distance. I am not sure what the magic number of hours for them is. I think it has always been assumed that they will go to the wedding. I would not be surprised if they do not, even if it means canceling at the last minute. I would never do that. Whatever I decide, they will know my plans well in advance. I have never asked them to change the wedding date. I simply told them my cruise dates when they first started planning. If it was easy for me to reschedule the cruise, I would do that. I will not cancel the cruise until they have signed a contract for a date. Reservations for the pavilions just opened recently and they are currently still available.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Go on the cruise and tell your nephew, not your brother, that you will be unable to attend.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is hard. I am very close with my family and we are very family oriented. I could not imagine missing my nephew's wedding.

With that said, I hate backing out on plans I have with people.

Since I'm close with my family I would have no issues telling my brother, SIL or nephew "hey I know you are looking at this date and I know nothing is booked yet. If you pick that date I won't be able to attend. If you are set on that date go for it!!! But I just wanted to throw this out there." If he still picked the date I would go ahead with my cruise.

But again, me and my family are very laid back and open with things like this. No one would be offended. It wouldn't be seen as crass. And if I just RSVP'd no to my nephews wedding without an explanation my brother would definitely be calling me asking me WTH is wrong with me. lol And I wouldn't be offended or think it's rude. He's my brother and we are close.

 

[cabanafrau]

There are weddings I would change my vacation plans for. The venue wouldn't be what would influence my decision. The emotional connection to the couple would guide my choice.

It sounds as if there is somewhat of a disconnect with this branch of the family at the heart of this issue. It sounds like OP's family has been largely disregarded for some time, with her brother's priority being his wife's family for some time. This will be further complicated now with the focus being shared to some extent with the wants and needs of the bride's family coming into play as well.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Some things you have to say no to. We have to say no to something that is 9 months away. But they do not have our income and it is out of state. And the note they included was almost to have the intention of making us to feel guilty. But we cant do it. I mean we don't do vacations as the money we get has to pay our every 3 month tax for our business. Can't afford to not pay that.

So do not feel guilty and if you can maybe give a simple gift for them if you can. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty

 

[Lilacs4Me]

This is hard. I am very close with my family and we are very family oriented. I could not imagine missing my nephew's wedding.

With that said, I hate backing out on plans I have with people.

Since I'm close with my family I would have no issues telling my brother, SIL or nephew "hey I know you are looking at this date and I know nothing is booked yet. If you pick that date I won't be able to attend. If you are set on that date go for it!!! But I just wanted to throw this out there." If he still picked the date I would go ahead with my cruise.

But again, me and my family are very laid back and open with things like this. No one would be offended. It wouldn't be seen as crass. And if I just RSVP'd no to my nephews wedding without an explanation my brother would definitely be calling me asking me WTH is wrong with me. lol And I wouldn't be offended or think it's rude. He's my brother and we are close.

^^^^ Best advice yet on this thread^^^^

I have a big family (on both DH and my sides). When there is something important that is going to happen, we call everyone that we WANT there the most, and do a date check. We consider everyone else "optional"

Case in point: My son and my sister's daughter are both graduating this year. I really want her at his graduation party, and vice versa. We talked BEFORE setting any dates, to make sure each other could come. Now, if she bails, I would be a little offended, because she told me the date we agreed on was good. If I never asked her, and she had plans, I would be sad that she wasn't there, but how could I be mad?!

 

[AppleDumpling]

I’m sorry you’re in this position; family issues can be hurtful. To be honest, it’s pretty clear that you really don’t want to attend this wedding, as it stands. Tell them you’re unable to go, send a gift and enjoy your cruise guilt-free.

I do understand your concern about your parents. I think it would be unfortunate for them to miss their grandson’s wedding, but that is out of your control. You mentioned your children; perhaps they or another family member could somehow help make it possible for your parents to be there.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

^^^^ Best advice yet on this thread^^^^

I have a big family (on both DH and my sides). When there is something important that is going to happen, we call everyone that we WANT there the most, and do a date check. We consider everyone else "optional"

Case in point: My son and my sister's daughter are both graduating this year. I really want her at his graduation party, and vice versa. We talked BEFORE setting any dates, to make sure each other could come. Now, if she bails, I would be a little offended, because she told me the date we agreed on was good. If I never asked her, and she had plans, I would be sad that she wasn't there, but how could I be mad?!

I did this with my son's graduation party. I did a group text to make sure no one had vacation plans that weekend. Told them to hold the date. Then I booked the venue. I did this with a select group of very close friends of ours too. It's just how we roll.

 

[cluvsdisney]

This is hard. I am very close with my family and we are very family oriented. I could not imagine missing my nephew's wedding.

With that said, I hate backing out on plans I have with people.

Since I'm close with my family I would have no issues telling my brother, SIL or nephew "hey I know you are looking at this date and I know nothing is booked yet. If you pick that date I won't be able to attend. If you are set on that date go for it!!! But I just wanted to throw this out there." If he still picked the date I would go ahead with my cruise.

But again, me and my family are very laid back and open with things like this. No one would be offended. It wouldn't be seen as crass. And if I just RSVP'd no to my nephews wedding without an explanation my brother would definitely be calling me asking me WTH is wrong with me. lol And I wouldn't be offended or think it's rude. He's my brother and we are close.

This is how it would be for me with my family. I would move a mountain to be at my nephew's wedding but my sister would help me move it. The situation the OP describes doesn't lend itself (IMO) to this type of accommodations.