a Wedding/ Etiquette/ Responsibility question

[raysnkaysmom]

I will try to shorten it up
Our wedding was originally in Florida, only close family and friends were attending (20 or so). We moved it to here due to the health of our parents and overall cost. Of course, having it at home allowed us to invite a few more friends and family...A FEW.
Then, we were being told which cousins to invite..... ok, fine. family.
Then..it was 'you should use a different pastor'... um.. no.

We had our rehearsal dinner planned. (Originally ONLY those in the wedding party were coming)... then, as we thought about it, my mom and his grandmother traveling so far should go...sure. no problem. Now, we are being told that we should invite relatives that are coming in from out of town. Like, what are we doing for them.
Wait!! We invited them.... to OUR wedding... we are having a reception. Why should they be at our rehearsal dinner too just because they all want to get together? Supposedly we are being told we are responsible for doing something.
Ok...try to please everyone... how bout just an afternoon luncheon...at the park...bring the kids, we are in the south...an afternoon of chicken and sweet tea and mingling...
Oh..wait, they may not be in town in the afternoon.... So....what, I have to rearrange our rehearsal to accomodate their arrival?
Fine, how about we go ahead with our rehearsal, our dinner with immediate family and wedding party, then invite everyone to meet up with us AFTERWARDS for drinks, or dessert or something (yanno..something less expensive and more casual).... Now, being told we need to find out when they are coming in...and they may be expecting dinner?...


Am I wrong? Are we responsible for the expense and organization of entertainment the night before our wedding for those driving in? Is a casual meet up at a time WE pick not compromise enough, and do we pay?

TIA

 

[mkymouse1928]

When I was married 14 yrs ago proper etiquette dictated that out of town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. That may have changed since then, but I do know that my parents followed this same rule for my brother's wedding last October.

 

[LaraK]

Traditional wedding etiquette dictates that out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner, which is paid for by the parents of the groom (if I recall correctly). That said...your wedding, your choices. We did not have all of the out of town people at the rehearsal dinner, just wedding party and close friends.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

When I was married 14 yrs ago proper etiquette dictated that out of town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. That may have changed since then, but I do know that my parents followed this same rule for my brother's wedding last October.

Traditional wedding etiquette dictates that out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner, which is paid for by the parents of the groom (if I recall correctly). That said...your wedding, your choices. We did not have all of the out of town people at the rehearsal dinner, just wedding party and close friends.

I didnt' know that was etiquette, so I respect it more in that case... BUT.. if they want to follow etiquette, they should follow the 'who pays rule'..right? LOL..
We are paying for it all.. and it is OUR wedding ~ It sucks...cuz I'm so far from the bridezilla, but am getting so frustrated on being told how we should do things and who should be where and who we should have in the ceremony...

 

[Handbag Lady]

If you are paying for it, it is your rules.

You can keep the rehearsal to just the wedding party and those few family members that you want to attend. You are under no obligation to entertain past the wedding and reception. If would be nice, but not necessary. Plan the rehearsal for what works for you, then see about out-of-town guests. If they happen to arrive early, then maybe invite them.

 

[babyrich]

If you are paying for the wedding than you should not take direction from anyone else. It would be great if it could all work out the way your family wants it to; but they have to be realistic. There is no reason to spend the money just because etiquette tells you to.

Do what you can afford. If your family insists you do it their way, than tell them they will have to help you pay for it.

I could understand if they were coming into town days before the wedding, than I might expect some sort of get together; but the night before you will have enough to do without worrying about your guests.

We had a rehearsal dinner with family only and my father in law paid for it.

 

[castmemberb4]

My niece got married last Sept and I was her wedding coordinator, we did invite all out of town guest to the rehersal dinner including MY MIL. Most of them were close family however, and we did a 'party' instead of a sitdown dinner, I DO NOT think that you should be on their schedule though, if they are not going to be there on your schedule (usually dictated by your church or venue) then they just 'miss out' we did have one Aunt (bride's) who didn't arrive in time and she totally understood that she couldn't make it to the rehersal party.

BTW - The Groom's family paid for nothing the Bride, Groom, Mother of the bride and Her Uncle and I covered it.
But most was paid by the Bride & Groom.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

If you are paying for the wedding than you should not take direction from anyone else. It would be great if it could all work out the way your family wants it to; but they have to be realistic. There is no reason to spend the money just because etiquette tells you to.

Do what you can afford. If your family insists you do it their way, than tell them they will have to help you pay for it.

I could understand if they were coming into town days before the wedding, than I might expect some sort of get together; but the night before you will have enough to do without worrying about your guests.

We had a rehearsal dinner with family only and my father in law paid for it.

Bolded is it... this is the night before our wedding... I am already scrambling!! LOL

 

[aprilgail2]

When I was married 14 yrs ago proper etiquette dictated that out of town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. That may have changed since then, but I do know that my parents followed this same rule for my brother's wedding last October.

I agree--thats always the way I have known it to be.

 

[okeydokey]

It would be very nice to include out of town guests, especially since they are traveling a distance to be there. Are they all paying for hotels? Going out of town for a wedding can be quite expensive and stressful so to not have to worry about dinner the night before can be very nice. That said, could you find a casual place to host or at someone's house or a park? It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.

 

[MinnieMe87]

We traveled from Illinois to Ohio for my cousin's wedding and they didn't have everyone at the rehearsal dinner. In fact, her grandparents didn't even go because we all went to their house and had dinner there so we could chat with all the other family that wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Curious who is telling you this?

You do what makes you happy.

Is the reception at your home as well as the wedding?

The rehearsal dinner, what were you planning? Something formal? Sit down dinner?

I do agree that you should include your out of town guests. I see no reason to have them at the rehearsal, unless they want to watch. Dinner? No, I do not see it as necessary. Perhaps you can all meet up after the dinner for a few drinks.

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, I, personally, do not feel that the etiquette rules change just because the groom's family isn't paying. As an out of town guest, we have always been included in the rehearsal dinner. Sometimes we were able to make it and other times, we couldn't or chose not to -- esp if we knew money was tight.

That said...... it seems traditional rules of etiquette no longer are used anyway so invite them if you want or don't if you'd rather not. However, these are your guests. By stating that you have already invited them to the wedding and reception, you make it sound as if you feel they should be thrilled just to have made the cut and be invited instead of you being honored that they are giving up their free time and going to some expense (some maybe a great deal) to help you celebrate. (Please note..... I'm not saying that is how you feel. I'm saying that is how your post sounded, but I can also feel your frustration and know you probably don't really feel that way.) If you don't invite them, then at the very least I hope you are making a deal at a hotel near the venue for a small discount for your guests and will have a small welcome basket for them which includes maps to the wedding and reception as well as a list of nearby restuarants and their addresses.

Enjoy your day, but remember, it is only one day. What comes after that day is much more important. And remember, too, it doesn't have to be "perfect" in order to be perfect. My wedding venue changed at the last minute because my mom ended up in the hospital. We ended up getting married in the lobby there. It was far from a picture book wedding. Wer had no flowers. No music. Not much of anything, but it was absolutely perfect.

Good luck to you.

 

[Polyluvr]

If they are coming in from out of town- you really should invite them to your rehearsal dinner.
If that's your biggest wedding problem~ God bless!

Invite them; save yourself the hurt feelings of your out-of-town guests.;they'll be talking about it forever-really!

I was married 10 years ago and 2 people who didn't like there table still mention it to me!

Many wishes for a long and happy marriage!

 

[Hannathy]

Wedding Etiquette is the out of town guests are invited to the Rehearsal Dinner. That is the way it has always been.


You said it was the night before like that was unusual. When is the rehearsal dinner any other time?

 

[dislaney]

Out of town guests are usually included in the rehearsal dinner in my experience. Since your paying and it is your wedding, it really is up to you though!

 

[chamonix]

Hmmmm, very surprised that several people including the OP have expressed the idea that: if the bride and groom are paying etiquette doesn't matter. etiquette depends on who pays?

Of course, if one doesn't care about traditional wedding etiquette, that's fine. Just know that some families/people do care and know about wedding etiquette. Your relatives definitely shouldn't make you feel bad for your choices, certainly, but equally, don't expect them not to notice if your choices regarding wedding etiquette differs from theirs.

So do what makes yourself happy, it's your day, but my advice is not so much that you alienate or anger your family or new inlaws! Surely being inhospitable to out of town family isn't how you want to start a marriage. You can do this cheaply to stay within your budget if thats what you decide to do. I do agree though that i would NOT schedule a rehearsal to fit the out of towners schedule! Thats crazy! LOL

Anyway........Maybe if you explain to family why you cant invite them all someone will offer to help you out financially.

 

[tinker&belle]

I would include them. They are paying for travel expenses, buying gifts, giving up a few days and possibly using vacation time from work, and incurring incidental costs to attend the wedding. Some people can be VERY concerned when it comes to etiquette. I for one would rather do it than her the complaints for years to come.

 

[onelilspark]

I'm all about etiquette, but I don't see a reason to invite them to the rehersal dinner. I've traveled for all the weddings I've been to in the past 2 years (at least 6.) I wasn't invited to any of their rehersal dinners. I didn't feel slighted in the least. Actually, in many cases, it would have made things a lot more difficult because I would have had to take a full day off on Friday, instead of catching the last flight out Friday evening or leaving first thing Saturday morning.

For my wedding, 95% of the guests will be coming from out of town. Where do you draw the line? In this day and age, the internet makes it very easy to stay in touch with people that even just 10 years ago, you might have lost contact with. My friends are scattered all across the country, and if that many people are traveling, you need to cut down the people attending the rehersal dinner. As already stated, I'm all about etiquette, but there's nothing wrong with being practical.

Also: just to address something else I've seen in these comments...it matters who's paying. If "Mom" is paying, "Mom" definitely has a say in who's invited. If "Mom" is not paying, "Mom" needs to remember that there's a budget in mind and shouldn't have as much of a say ("Mom" is in quotes because you can really substitute anyone who's opinionated.)

Good luck OP

 

[Hannathy]

I'm all about etiquette, but I don't see a reason to invite them to the rehersal dinner.

No actually then you aren't all about etiquette!! With Etiquette there is a right way and a wrong way and Etiquette dictates you invite out of town quests to the rehearsal dinner. It is Ok to say we are doing it our way the heck with etiquette but you can't say I'm all for etiquette. You can't pick and choose what you like. It isn't an ala carte notion.