a Wedding/ Etiquette/ Responsibility question

[bumbershoot]

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

If you are in a community where it is traditional to have a dollar dance, you will very likely know about it AND be excited for it!

I'm from CA and then western WA, and it wasn't in my arena of "expertise", but a friend of mine had it at her wedding. Her family is originally from the midwest, where it is traditional, and her husband is from a Mexican family in central WA, where it is also traditional. Therefore, they had a dollar dance, and people ewre absolutely ecstatic to do it! They even were prepared with safety pins to pin the dollars to her gown (nightmare for me, my gown was "my precious" LOL). Men AND women danced with her, little children, etc, and everyone was MORE than happy to give her a dollar.

She had made sure to let us know, those of us she met in college outside of the area where her wedding was held, so that we would be prepared.



OP, to me if you're having an "at home" or hometown wedding, it's nice to open the rehearsal dinner to the out of towners. But if you're having a destination wedding, where everyone is traveling, it gets harder to do that, as everyone is in the same boat. We did have an "open" rehearsal dinner (we had our wedding a state away from home and Dh's family, but ALL of my family had to fly to get there so we felt it was only fair), but it was at a spaghetti place, very casual.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

I wasn't sure if it was only a dollar, thought maybe it started out that way, but with inflation it was up to $20 or something.
Tacky. very tacky. Almost as tacky as a greenback or Jack N Jill thing.

Thats exactly how I feel....sounds really tacky. As far as paying money though I never carry money to a wedding- nor do most people I know so they wouldn't make out well around here LOL...there is no need to pay anything at the wedding so why bother carrying cash with you.

Never said I was for it!!! I think it's a horrible idea, but I have photographed MANY weddings where this was included. "Hi, thanks for the gift... you look nice, where's my extra money on top of the wedding gift?"

And yes, it generally is more the $1. I've seen parents give their new IL $100s... And yes, my ex-DF's family pulled in several hundred during theirs. They got paid to be danced with for at least 20 minutes. I have also seen groomsmen pay a pretty penny to "dip" the groom.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I wasn't sure if it was only a dollar, thought maybe it started out that way, but with inflation it was up to $20 or something.
Tacky. very tacky. Almost as tacky as a greenback or Jack N Jill thing.

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

Thats exactly how I feel....sounds really tacky. As far as paying money though I never carry money to a wedding- nor do most people I know so they wouldn't make out well around here LOL...there is no need to pay anything at the wedding so why bother carrying cash with you.

Seriously? Prostitution? Wow.

In the area I grew up in the dollar dance was expected. The bride and groom were on the floor, their best man and maid of honor with a small basket, and lines would form to either dance with the bride or dance with the groom to traditional slow dance songs, with the expectation they would either use it towards the honeymoon or their new life together.

The only people I have ever heard call it tacky are either online or are not originally from the area. So yes, people DO bring a few dollars to the wedding. At our wedding we actually had people asking us when we were going to do it.

Just because it's tacky to you that doesn't mean it's tacky to everyone. I mean it's not like the bride is whipping off her dress piece by piece while tacky stripper music plays. My goodness.


To the OP: If you want to invite out of town guests, do. If you don't, don't. If you'd rather do drinks after your rehearsal dinner with the bridal party and spouses than do that. Your out of town guests shouldn't be dictating what time you plan things either. Quite honestly, would you change the time of a birthday party just because one person couldn't make it at 8 PM? What about your wedding? Would you change the time if one set of guests wouldn't be able to make it until 7?

 

[LBIJim]

Wedding Etiquette is the out of town guests are invited to the Rehearsal Dinner. That is the way it has always been.

QUOTE]

Not necessarily directed to this poster, but can someone fill in Mr. Clueless about what a rehearsal dinner is? I got married by a judge on the beach so there was no such thing there. I've been to a few out of town weddings but was never invited to one (not that I know of). I've also been best man for a friend but don't recall any dinner after the wedding rehearsal (it was a very small wedding, or maybe I just wasn't invited????)

I'm familiar with the long gap between ceremony and reception on the other current thread. That's more or less the norm here. But I have no clue about rehearsal dinners.

Thanks in advance

Jim

 

[Pigeon]

I've been to dozens of out of town weddings. Of those, I've been invited to one rehearsal dinner where dh was best man, and another for a nephew where we were not in the wedding party. I've never heard that rehearsal dinners were for anyone other than the wedding party.

 

[mhawk4]

I will try to shorten it up

Am I wrong? Are we responsible for the expense and organization of entertainment the night before our wedding for those driving in? Is a casual meet up at a time WE pick not compromise enough, and do we pay?

TIA

We were married 18 years ago and we had a rehersal dinner with just our wedding party and our parents. It was a nice intimate dinner.

My parents had their out of town family and friends over for drinks after the wedding, it was over at 5 p.m. and then out of town people for a light brunch the next day.

My friends is getting married next May and is getting pressure to invite all out of town guests to the rehersal dinner. This means that 90% of 140 guest will be invited. I told her to have just the wedding party and family and then have a brunch on Sunday. If she had all out of town guests for the rehearsal she just might as well have the wedding that night.

 

[onelilspark]

Not necessarily directed to this poster, but can someone fill in Mr. Clueless about what a rehearsal dinner is? I got married by a judge on the beach so there was no such thing there. I've been to a few out of town weddings but was never invited to one (not that I know of). I've also been best man for a friend but don't recall any dinner after the wedding rehearsal (it was a very small wedding, or maybe I just wasn't invited????)

I'm familiar with the long gap between ceremony and reception on the other current thread. That's more or less the norm here. But I have no clue about rehearsal dinners.

Thanks in advance

Jim

Usually the Rehearsal Dinner is held after the Rehearsal. Obviously it's disputed on who attends In almost all situations, it's the bride and groom's immediate family, plus the wedding party...and whoever else you decide. It's traditionally paid for by the Groom's family (where the wedding is traditionally by the Bride's.) It's the couple's chance to say thanks to everyone who helped with the wedding. Many times the couple will give gifts to their attendants.

I think that covers it, sorry if I included stuff you already knew

 

[raysnkaysmom]

If it's any consolation, my Ex-DF's brother and SIL ended up with a huge wedding (over 300 just "showed up" to the reception) they paid for themselves. By the time it came around to the dollar dance, they were given enough to pay for almost all of it. I hope that something like that happens for you guys - it's so tough budgeting for weddings. Good luck!

My sister did the dollar dance.... It was fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but we won't be doing it at ours

I invited only the people directly involved in my wedding to my rehersal dinner..

Honestly, do what you want and what you can afford. This is what bothers me so much about weddings.. the "musts". You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Ettiquette smettiquette, IMO. If people are going to be offended and upset, fine, they don't have to attend.

I've never heard of inviting all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner, only the bridal party, parents, and the priest/minister

I've even been to weddings where the spouses of the bridal party aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner, just the actual attendants...so I guess YMMV

Good luck to you OP, it's hard enough to coordinate a date and time for the reception that works for everyone, much less trying to get the schedule to work for everyone on the day they are travelling in!

That's what I had thought... yet we are inviting the spouses of those in the party... and, my mom, his grandmother, his aunt that aren't in the wedding...



We're thinkin chicken....lol

 

[luvmy3]

Thats exactly how I feel....sounds really tacky. As far as paying money though I never carry money to a wedding- nor do most people I know so they wouldn't make out well around here LOL...there is no need to pay anything at the wedding so why bother carrying cash with you.

What about a cash bar?

As far as it being tacky, its a tradition in some cultures, just as throwing the bouquet or garter. Guests aren't required to do it, so if you don't want to part with your $1 you don't have to get in line.


OP, the last wedding we went to was an out of town one, 6 hours away from us, 8 hours for my SIL's, and BIL's familes. They were cousins of the groom, and none of us were invited to the rehearsal dinner, and none of us expected to be. If we weren't willing to entertain or feed ourselves the night before the wedding we would just arrive the day of or not go at all. I would invite who you want but I wouldn't go out of my way to invite out of town relatives and their spouses and/or kids.

 

[VAN]

I didn't read through all the responses, but would like to say:

1) It's your wedding
2) Who's paying for it? Their wishes should carry a lot of weight in the decisions.
3) If someone thinks they and/or a certain group need a special party ... let them host it (i.e. plan and pay for it)
4) Etiquette can sometimes be dictated by regional/family customs (e.g. if $ dances are usual, then by all means have one)
5) Don't try to please everyone with an opinion ... refer to #1 & #2 above

 

[NotUrsula]

The first I ever heard of this "dollar dance" was here on the Dis----thankfully its not done around here...it sounds like a stripper thing like when guys shove dollars at a stripper...not something I would want at my wedding!

Not exactly. Here is one of the most famous photographs of a dollar dance that exists; it is the cover of a 30-year old book about Cajun French culture in Louisiana. The bride in the photo is dancing with her Grandfather.

IME, most guests only contribute the token $1; close family members tend to give more as a goodwill gesture. The money from these dances is normally considered a kind of "mad money"; most couples use it to splurge a bit while on the honeymoon. While you might get folks who pay large bills to dance with the groom as a joke, such gags are normally considered to be in bad taste when it comes to dancing with the bride.

 

[aprilgail2]

What about a cash bar?

.

I have only been to one wedding with a cash bar- that is NOT typical around this area! I ended up drinking water as did many people LOL...

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I have only been to one wedding with a cash bar- that is NOT typical around this area! I ended up drinking water as did many people LOL...

I've also ever been to one wedding in my life that had a cash bar. It's very unusual here to have your guests pay for anything, it did not go over well.

 

[grafxgirl]

10 years ago my husband and I had a very similar situation. Everyone in the family wanted their input, but he and I were the ones paying for the wedding. We got fed up with it all, and canceled the wedding about 6 weeks prior to the date. We were talking to his mom about it and she said "you're going on a week-long cruise for your honeymoon, why don't you arrange to be married on the cruise?" DING! DING! DING! We have a winner! We made the arrangements with one of the wedding planner on the cruise line, paid a whopping 3,000 dollars, took the gown, the tux, and got married on one of our ports of call at Shaw Park Botanical Gardens in Jamaica. The only family we took with us was my husband's mother stepdad, brother, and grandparents because they were the only ones not giving us any grief. Best decision we ever made!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I've also ever been to one wedding in my life that had a cash bar. It's very unusual here to have your guests pay for anything, it did not go over well.

This makes me think of another question....
Our venue doesn't allow alcoholic beverages..... Our reception is immediately following the wedding... When the reception is over, him and I were going back to the bar at the hotel and thought about telling people they were welcome to join us for drinks.... Does that make us responsible for buying their drinks?
Just curious....

 

[aprilgail2]

I've also ever been to one wedding in my life that had a cash bar. It's very unusual here to have your guests pay for anything, it did not go over well.

Yea I remember people opening the envelopes to take a 20 out of the gift money so they could buy a drink since many people don't carry money to weddings and it was really not expected...certainly did not say cash bar at wedding on the invite so no one had a clue! Even SODA you had to pay for!!!!

 

[Scurvy]

This makes me think of another question....
Our venue doesn't allow alcoholic beverages..... Our reception is immediately following the wedding... When the reception is over, him and I were going back to the bar at the hotel and thought about telling people they were welcome to join us for drinks.... Does that make us responsible for buying their drinks?
Just curious....

I am one of those who think if you invite someone to something, you need to pay for everything - especially when it's part of a larger, hosted event like a wedding. (I'm fine with group events where everyone pays their own way, but not hosted events where guests are expected to pay.) So if hanging out after the reception is presented as a part of the wedding festivities then I do think you should pay. But realistically I can understand you not wanting to pay for something like that. I think if it were me, I might ask someone else to spread the word about it. I'd have a close friend or family member tell people that "some of us might hang out at the hotel bar afterward to visit for a while, and I think raysnkaysmom and her husband will stop by for a bit. You should come too!" If I heard that as a guest, I wouldn't feel that was a hosted event and so I would be prepared to buy my own drinks. If the bride or groom invited me, I might think it was just an extention of the reception and I wouldn't be sure whether they were paying or not.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I am one of those who think if you invite someone to something, you need to pay for everything - especially when it's part of a larger, hosted event like a wedding. (I'm fine with group events where everyone pays their own way, but not hosted events where guests are expected to pay.) So if hanging out after the reception is presented as a part of the wedding festivities then I do think you should pay. But realistically I can understand you not wanting to pay for something like that. I think if it were me, I might ask someone else to spread the word about it. I'd have a close friend or family member tell people that "some of us might hang out at the hotel bar afterward to visit for a while, and I think raysnkaysmom and her husband will stop by for a bit. You should come too!" If I heard that as a guest, I wouldn't feel that was a hosted event and so I would be prepared to buy my own drinks. If the bride or groom invited me, I might think it was just an extention of the reception and I wouldn't be sure whether they were paying or not.

good call


And... We have come up with something we think is a good compromise ~ We are going to rent out a conference room at the hotel we are staying at, and see if my stepmom will cook a Thanksgiving style dinner (she loves cooking for people) ~ Havent asked her yet, but I'm thinking she'll be honored
That way...less expense AND anyone from out of town can drop in ....
Hopefully we don't hear too many complaints

 

[okeydokey]

good call


And... We have come up with something we think is a good compromise ~ We are going to rent out a conference room at the hotel we are staying at, and see if my stepmom will cook a Thanksgiving style dinner (she loves cooking for people) ~ Havent asked her yet, but I'm thinking she'll be honored
That way...less expense AND anyone from out of town can drop in ....
Hopefully we don't hear too many complaints

I think this is a terrific idea.

 

[golfgal]

good call


And... We have come up with something we think is a good compromise ~ We are going to rent out a conference room at the hotel we are staying at, and see if my stepmom will cook a Thanksgiving style dinner (she loves cooking for people) ~ Havent asked her yet, but I'm thinking she'll be honored
That way...less expense AND anyone from out of town can drop in ....
Hopefully we don't hear too many complaints

One problem, the hotel most likely won't allow you to bring in outside food.