a Wedding/ Etiquette/ Responsibility question

[kwitcherkicken99]

Like others have stated, yes, out of town guests are to be invited to the rehearsel dinner.

That being said, buck etiquette and go to the courthouse. It's much less stress!

 

[emma'smom]

When we got married, we pretty much invited all out-of-town guests who would be there in time for the rehearsal dinner. However, we started by just sending formal invitations to the wedding party (and their guests--spouse, children, etc) and close out of town relatives (my parent's and DH's parent's immediate siblings and their families, grandparents, etc). As other friends from out of town indicated, in advance, that they would be in town by the time of the rehearsal, we invited them along too.

We ended up with about 50 people for the rehearsal dinner at a nice italian restaurant. DH's parents paid for it.

My parents paid for the wedding, reception, gift baskets for the hotel rooms of out of town guests, etc. They also hosted a huge party in their home the day after the wedding for any remaining guests who were still in town (it was New Year's Eve....so many of the relatives took advantage of the holiday week-end and stayed to visit with each other an extra day).

Oh, and they hosted a small dinner (like 15-20 people) in their home the day BEFORE the rehearsal dinner for out-of-town relatives who arrived a day early. However, this was less etiquette than just a nice thing to do....because they wanted to spend time catching up with their out-of-town guests before things got crazy the next few days.

 

[ksjayhawks]

It really is up to you. It used to be that the rehearsal was for the wedding party and immediate family. Then it grew to include out of town guests in some areas/situations. We have never been invited to a rehearsal dinner when we have arrived the night before and I would not expect to--it is for the wp and immediate family to celebrate and spend some time together. You will be hosting your other guests at the reception.

If you want it to be just your wp and family, that is fine. Do what is right for you and what you can afford.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It is standard to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner the night or two before the wedding. If they're staying overnight the night of your wedding because they've traveled, there's also usually a breakfast/brunch the next day in the hotel.

 

[allison443]

I agree with the others about the etiquette "rule" being that out of town guests are being invited to the rehearsal dinner...OP it sounds like you have already had to change a few things about your wedding and maybe this is just the last straw, kwim? I know things must be very stressful especially if there are health concerns, etc. going on in your family.

That said, I think it is fine to have a more casual type gathering instead of a formal dinner. Less expensive, etc. Good luck with your plans! I'm sure everything will work out fine.

 

[allison443]

I didnt' know that was etiquette, so I respect it more in that case... BUT.. if they want to follow etiquette, they should follow the 'who pays rule'..right? LOL..
We are paying for it all.. and it is OUR wedding ~ It sucks...cuz I'm so far from the bridezilla, but am getting so frustrated on being told how we should do things and who should be where and who we should have in the ceremony...

Did you expect or even want your parents to pay for the wedding, and his parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner?

 

[FireDancer]

I was invited to the rehearsal dinner for any out of town wedding I was invited to. In all honesty though I really didn't care. It was nice but the weekend was not about me or 'etiquette', it was about the bride and groom. Whether or not I was invited to the dinner or not doesn't matter. I was there to celebrate the day for them and would have gone to the ceremony and reception regardless of my invitation to any rehearsal dinner.

People love to make the weekend about them, so don't let it. If you don't want to invite them to a rehearsal dinner don't invite them. If they care about you they really won't care and if they raise a scene tell them to go reproduce with themselves.

 

[rigs32]

We often hear people say that they should have the kind of wedding that they can afford. But what if the majority of your family is out of town and they all want to travel in. Should a couple be forced to elope if the size of the rehearsal dinner/Sunday brunch pushes things outside of their budget? Dinner and brunch for 50+ people can run hundreds of dollars, even if you have something lower key at home.

What about destination weddings? Must the couple provide dinner the night before, dinner the day of, and breakfast the next day for everyone attending?

 

[aprilgail2]

It is standard to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner the night or two before the wedding. If they're staying overnight the night of your wedding because they've traveled, there's also usually a breakfast/brunch the next day in the hotel.

The last 2 out of town weddings I went to included breakfast with the bride and groom at the hotel the next morning- it was very nice.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Curious who is telling you this?

You do what makes you happy.

Is the reception at your home as well as the wedding?

The rehearsal dinner, what were you planning? Something formal? Sit down dinner?

I do agree that you should include your out of town guests. I see no reason to have them at the rehearsal, unless they want to watch. Dinner? No, I do not see it as necessary. Perhaps you can all meet up after the dinner for a few drinks.

Our wedding and reception is not at our home, we have a venue.... and our rehearsal dinner was a semi-formal sit down with approx 20 people... If we have to bump it up to 40ish, we will have to change that, financially.
And...that was my idea...to meet up after the dinner... or have a lunch. I don't want to blow them off, I just dont want to have to change it or kill my honeymoon budget either...lol

Wedding Etiquette is the out of town guests are invited to the Rehearsal Dinner. That is the way it has always been.


You said it was the night before like that was unusual. When is the rehearsal dinner any other time?

I meant they were arriving the night before....not that about the rehearsal the night before...I know that part

Like others have stated, yes, out of town guests are to be invited to the rehearsel dinner.

That being said, buck etiquette and go to the courthouse. It's much less stress!

LOL>..I have thought this the past month!! LOL

I agree with the others about the etiquette "rule" being that out of town guests are being invited to the rehearsal dinner...OP it sounds like you have already had to change a few things about your wedding and maybe this is just the last straw, kwim? I know things must be very stressful especially if there are health concerns, etc. going on in your family.

That said, I think it is fine to have a more casual type gathering instead of a formal dinner. Less expensive, etc. Good luck with your plans! I'm sure everything will work out fine.

Yeah...we'd have to go more casual to accomodate the people being added...

Did you expect or even want your parents to pay for the wedding, and his parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner?

NOt at all... never asked...never expected, never wanted from anyone else. But also didn't expect them to tell us who to invite and who should be there either...

The last 2 out of town weddings I went to included breakfast with the bride and groom at the hotel the next morning- it was very nice.

I won't even see my groom on the day of the wedding til the ceremony...so this ain't happening


**
Thanks for all the input...so I'll to try to make everyone happy (of course not EVERYONE will be happy ) I guess I'll cancel our rehearsal (again, can't afford over 40 at the original place reserved) and find a time and place that fits more.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Or...just keep it and not even mentioning it to out of towners, and just tell them to meet us at 8pmish for dessert and coffee or drinks... ?? I'd like that sooo much more

 

[EdiePA]

I love these etiquette questions on the board, where all the "experts" make their decrees. Facing this question myself as the mother-of-the-groom, I went to a real expert Emily Post and here was her answer:
Q.
Is it necessary to invite all out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner? We have so many I fear the rehearsal will be nearly as large as the wedding.

A.
Out-of-towners can be invited if your budget and the circumstances allow, but it's by no means a must. Traditionally the rehearsal dinner consists of the bride and groom, all attendants and their spouses or partners, the couple's immediate families and the clergyperson and his or her spouse. However, in our increasingly mobile society, with so many people traveling to attend weddings, inviting out-of-towners has become a trend. If you choose to include some and not others, do so in a clear-cut way - for instance, only relatives but not friends. As a thoughtful gesture toward those not included, you may offer recommendations for local restaurants. One of your attendants or someone who lives in the area may wish to take this on. Or you can send information by mail, e-mail or post it on your wedding Web site.


Luckily, my son and his fiance chose a smaller venue for the rehearsal dinner and we can only invite 32 people.

I think the whole "everyone to the rehearsal dinner" is a regional thing -- I'd never heard of it where I came from in Pennsylvania.

So, go with what you want to do.

Edie

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

If it's any consolation, my Ex-DF's brother and SIL ended up with a huge wedding (over 300 just "showed up" to the reception) they paid for themselves. By the time it came around to the dollar dance, they were given enough to pay for almost all of it. I hope that something like that happens for you guys - it's so tough budgeting for weddings. Good luck!

 

[aprilgail2]

By the time it came around to the dollar dance, they were given enough to pay for almost all of it. I hope that something like that happens for you guys - it's so tough budgeting for weddings. Good luck!

The first I ever heard of this "dollar dance" was here on the Dis----thankfully its not done around here...it sounds like a stripper thing like when guys shove dollars at a stripper...not something I would want at my wedding!

 

[NewDCLGuy]

All I know is that I've been to many weddings all across the country. I've been to simple everything-in-the-church weddings in the South, I've been to ridiculously fancy weddings in NYC, I've been to barbecue weddings in Montana. And in every case, people who flew in from out of town were invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before.

 

[luvmy3]

I'd listen to Emily Post

 

[golfgal]

Personally, I think the "out of towners to the rehearsal dinner" is a newer trend, at least in our area. I can see inviting out of town relatives, MAYBE, but not EVERYONE. I have been to two weddings where ALL the out of towners were invited. All of the rest of the rehearsal dinners have been for only those directly involved in the actual wedding. It seems really silly to have everyone come to the rehearsal dinner for a destination wedding. Personally, I would prefer NOT to be invited to the rehearsal dinner for a destination wedding because chances are I will be out sight seeing and wouldn't want to have that commitment.

 

[allison443]

The first I ever heard of this "dollar dance" was here on the Dis----thankfully its not done around here...it sounds like a stripper thing like when guys shove dollars at a stripper...not something I would want at my wedding!

Start a new thread on which is tackier, the dollar dance or the concept of covering your plate.......go ahead, I dare you!

 

[jrmasm]

Start a new thread on which is tackier, the dollar dance or the concept of covering your plate.......go ahead, I dare you!

Don't forget the cash bar.

My head hurts trying to figure out how I would vote.

To the op's topic, I was taught that all out of town guests were invited to the rehersal.

 

[Rora]

I invited only the people directly involved in my wedding to my rehersal dinner..

Honestly, do what you want and what you can afford. This is what bothers me so much about weddings.. the "musts". You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Ettiquette smettiquette, IMO. If people are going to be offended and upset, fine, they don't have to attend.

 

[SC Minnie]

I have been to a couple of family weddings in the past few years that we had to travel over 500 miles to get to. We were only invited to the dinner the evening before the wedding once and it was a very informal get together at the brides brother's home.

OP-- do what you can afford. If you decide to scale down the menu and invite out of towners you tell them dinner will be at 7pm at X place. Please RSVP if you will be in town and coming. If the budget doesn't allow for it then don't feel bad about not including them.