A couple of etiquette questions & then some ranting

[maelstrom]

I'll ask my questions first, and then post the situations that provoked the questioning.

01) When addressing a card to your son & daughter-in-law (or, really, any male/female couple) using first names, shouldn't it be to "Gianna & Sergei", not "Sergei & Gianna", ie: woman's name first?

02) If you are sending out invitations for an event, be it a party, wedding, baptism, etc, would you send out a seperate invitation to a couple's adult (over 18) child, even if they live at home, especially if the grown child can also invite a "guest" (ie: significant other)?


Explanations:

01) My father's family, most notably my grandmother, ALWAYS addresses cards to "Sergei & Gianna" instead of "Gianna & Sergei". Now, you might think this is because it is their son, so he should be first. But my dad has two sisters, and she also refers to them as "Alex & Katja" and "Vincent & Andrea". Now, I'm not losing sleep over this. But apparently my mother is.

02) We have an anniversary event coming up in my family. I am 21 years old. I, along with my parents and a "guest" (ie: my boyfriend) are invited. An invitation arrived today addressed to: "Mr. & Mrs. Firstname Lastname & Kristen & Guest". Shouldn't I have my own invitation for myself and my guest at 21 years of age? Yes, I do live at home, but I am an adult. My boyfriend's cousin recently got married, and my boyfriend and each of his brothers got seperate invitations, despite living at home, because they're all adults. I thought that was the way things should be done. Especially when a guest is also invited to accompany the person. This one kind of does bother me. Especially when it has taken this long for things to even come addressed to me, not just my parents, and someone having to call and ask if I'm also invited & of course I am.



I have already called the person who sent out the invitation and requested that in the future I be sent my own invitation as I am 21 years old. I did this extremely politely and noted that I was not mad, but that it was for future reference. I think this person is now a little annoyed with me. This is a close relative, not a random person.

My mother is still livid and wants to confront said family members about their lack of etiquette. I want no part of this ranting & raving (that is what she is doing, going around the house cursing and whining). Then she accused me of "siding" with them. They ARE my family. Why should I be expected to side with anyone? I dealt with the issue that I felt needed dealing with in a quiet and small way. I am NOT going to help her to be a snarky b-word to people any further. Also, she apparently hates my father and I because we are "such Lastname's!!". Well... yeah, that IS my last name. Then she told me not to forget that I'm "half HerMaidenName too!!". WHHHYYYY must this happen?!! I'm so not about getting into a huge family argument about this. Like I said, I dealt with the personal invite issue politely and quietly, and it's done now. Why does she insist that this go on??!!



*Names changed to protect the... whatevers.

 

[MareQ]

Should you have gotten your own invite? Yes- but it was VERY VERY rude to call up and tell them that in the future you should get your own.

Also I was taught it was proper to address the man then the woman on an address.

Honestly though my first thought was who cares? These are such small things to get in an uproar about.

 

[sweet angel]

The envelope should be to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or "John and Jane Doe", but the inside greeting should be "Dear Jane and John."

Your invite (since you are an adult) should have been sent to you directly.

An invite including a minor boy would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Master Johnny Doe"

An invite including a minor girl would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Miss Janey Doe"

 

[Handbag Lady]

I hate to be the one to say it, but I think you were amiss.

I believe that invites are addressed using the male name first. (Unless one is a Doctor, etc., in which their occupational title is used first: Dr. and Mr. Smith).

And, as an adult child living at home, the invitees were perfectly following suit to address you as they did on one invite. (Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Jenifer Smith)

I am searching the web for back-up.

 

[Dodie]

The envelope should be to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or "John and Jane Doe", but the inside greeting should be "Dear Jane and John."

Your invite (since you are an adult) should have been sent to you directly.

An invite including a minor boy would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Master Johnny Doe"

An invite including a minor girl would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Miss Janey Doe"

Agreed. The man's name always comes first in an address situation. The rest of this is right too.

 

[mtemm]

I'd say if that is all you have to worry about, you are doing pretty well.

honestly, for her wedding, the woman's name always seems to come first, but never again after that. as for the separate invite, hey, your name was on it. yes, emily post would probably say you get a separate invite, but instead of caring, just appreciate that you were invited at all.

If you want to get into technicalities, if I remember correctly, "and guest" is not proper, either. your guest would have a separate invite for themselves. but seriously, who does that?

just think, water off a ducks back...will serve you well in the future

 

[DawnCt1]

The most egregious breach of ettiguette is calling someone to inform them that they are breaching ettiquette. A gracious person lets those little things go.

 

[KelNottAt]

It's my understanding the you should not separate a man's first name from his last name. Therefore, when addressing a couple, it's ladies first:

Minnie and Mickey Mouse
Carol and Mike Brady
Martha and George Washington

 

[maelstrom]

MareQ: how is someone to know that they have wronged someone if no one tells them? One man's molehill is another man's mountain; we all have our particulars.

Handbag Lady: as far as outside envelope addressing, I too was always taught Mr. & Mrs, but for inside using first names that it should be female then male. It wasn't just Mr. & Mrs. LastName and Kristen, though, they also tacked my guest onto there too. That's where I think things went really wrong. If I'm old enough to invite a guest, aren't I old enough to have my own invitation for myself and said guest? I, too, searched the web. I didn't come up with anything as far as the first names female before male, but what I found did show that adult children should be a seperate invite as they are adults (ie: Miss Kristen Lastname & Guest).

 

[mtemm]

It's my understanding the you should not separate a man's first name from his last name. Therefore, when addressing a couple, it's ladies first:

Minnie and Mickey Mouse
Carol and Mike Brady
Martha and George Washington

funny, I've never heard that, and the couples listed I always think of the man first (mickey and minnie, mike and carol, george and martha). lol.

 

[mtemm]

MareQ: how is someone to know that they have wronged someone if no one tells them? One man's molehill is another man's mountain; we all have our particulars.

wow. that would be quite a life, going around telling people off for perceived slights, especially for something like this. seriously. I would guess in the future, not a lot of invites would be forthcoming.

 

[Handbag Lady]

OOOOps, I sit corrected and I beg your pardon.

It used to be that grown children still at home would not get their own invite but would be addressed on the household invite one her own line. This seems to have changed, so I'm glad I looked it up. I did find two other advice pages that said yes to always sending one to a single person still living at home and another one that said no.

But still, calling them to say you wanted your own? I find that a bit tacky. Kinda like when a bride includes her registry info on the invite. Tacky, yes. Do I say something, no, because that would make me stoop to her level. (Unless I was her mother, then we'd have words).

 

[maelstrom]

as for the separate invite, hey, your name was on it. yes, emily post would probably say you get a separate invite, but instead of caring, just appreciate that you were invited at all.

My grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party isn't something I'd really worry about whether or not I was invited to; it's kind of a given, especially since my father is paying 1/3 of the tab!



I was curious about what you all had experienced in your travels, not that I was going around foaming at the mouth about the issue. Simply collecting data.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I have been taught that you always address the card as John and Jane Doe.

I was also taught that you only need to send one invitation per household and that the invite should specify on the envelope or the invitation to whom it is being addressed. IE: John and Jane Doe and Jill and Guest

 

[kribit]

The envelope should be to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or "John and Jane Doe", but the inside greeting should be "Dear Jane and John."

Your invite (since you are an adult) should have been sent to you directly.

An invite including a minor boy would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Master Johnny Doe"

An invite including a minor girl would be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Miss Janey Doe"

Exactly

 

[mom2of2]

I guess I've been totally wrong then because I have addressed such invites as Mr & Mrs Lastname and Family on the outside and then Uncle John, Aunt Jane, Cousin and guest on the inside.

FWIW if I would have gotten a complaint call on the above envelope it would have been the LAST invitation I sent to that household member. That's JMHO but I think it's rude to call someone on how they address an invite. You would think being invited was enough.


ETA....if your father is paying 1/3 of the tab why is he even getting an invite?? MY parents paid 1/2 of my wedding. If I would have sent them an invite the response would have been "Why are you spending money on an invitation for us???"

 

[maelstrom]

wow. that would be quite a life, going around telling people off for perceived slights, especially for something like this. seriously. I would guess in the future, not a lot of invites would be forthcoming.

So if someone pronounces your name wrong, you don't correct them, because it would be impolite? If the clerk at a store gives you incorrect change, you don't bring it to their attention? Someone may not have known they've made an error unless someone tells them. And I didn't tell anyone off. I politely informed said family member that as an adult, I should be getting my own invitation, for future reference. This family member didn't even start adding my name to invitations until my mother asked her enough times about various events whether I was invited too when it was obvious I was, because we're talking things like a kids birthday party in the backyard, not a wedding or somesuch.

 

[MareQ]

MareQ: how is someone to know that they have wronged someone if no one tells them? One man's molehill is another man's mountain; we all have our particulars.

You made the bigger mistake. You just don't do what you do and it's no wonder they seem to be annoyed with you. It's a 50th anniversary party thrown by family- not an invitation to the White House.

 

[Keli]

I hope my words don't hurt your feelings because unfortunately I do not agree with you. Please understand this is just MHO.
My mother always taught us that we should overlook any breach of etiquette by others unless their purpose in making the breach was to hurt us. I don't believe the person who sent that invitation was trying to hurt your feelings.
I don't believe you should have said anything to him/her at all and your mother certainly shouldn't be ranting and raving about it to anyone. That would just be waaayy over the top IMHO.

 

[aprilgail2]

You certainly should have received your own invitation-it is bad taste to just put you on your parents since you are over 18 and an adult. But I wouldn't have called and said anything!