A couple of etiquette questions & then some ranting

[Nicolepa]

OMG, I've got some phone calls to make! I've been living on my own for 14 years, married for 10 w/2 kids. My grandma (and most of my mom's family) still send all invites and gifts to my mom's house. My grandma had been a guest in my house and while she sends birthday cards and such to my house she still sends presents to my mom's house. When my Aunt draws names for the annual Christmas exchange she always calls my mom and tells her the names. My aunt has never called my house.

I guess I'll call my grandma and let her know that I am an adult and seperate entity from my mom and that all future gifts should be sent directly to my house. While I'm on the phone I'll call my aunt and tell her that it's rude for her to just give the names to my mom.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds like something I should waste my time on.....NOT.

 

[GJM]

I am wondering also why did your dad even receive an invitation if he is paying for part of it.

When my cousins got married they sent my invitation to my mom's house, they didn't have my new address. Honestly I could care less how it was addressed or how it was sent.

I have a package to send to my moms house, it will be addressed to her but there will be things in it for my dad, and sister who doesn't live there anymore.

I would NEVER call someone and point out what you may think is wrong.

 

[bunnyfoo]

My cousin had his wedding last month and he and his fiancee sent an invitation to my parents - I was not given my own. I was a little disappointed (only because I like getting things in the mail that aren't bills) but I was really disappointed when the invitation only had 4 guests - my mom, my dad, my sister and myself.

We're not that close and I figured that maybe they were trying to save money by not inviting as many guests. At the time, I wasn't sure if it was something I should speak up about. When I got to the reception and there were 350+ people ... and my other cousins all brought their significant others. I've never brought this up with them and I figure I'll give them the benefit of the doubt but I can't say I was very impressed with the situation.

 

[hydster]

Actually, yes. Your uncle dying of cancer is a huge worry, and I am also sorry that your family is going through it. Your uncle will certainly be in my prayers.

With that sadness occurring in your family, I'm surprised the invitation thing even hit your radar. Makes me thankful for my 21 year old niece, who wouldn't dream of making any issue of how an invitation was addressed.

You know maelstrom, you're doing exactly what every other person who posts "what do you think?" posts here does. They post what they did, ask for opinions and then get defensive when people post opinions contrary to what they want to hear. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

You are correct that your aunt didn't send the invitation in a perfectly "etiquette-correct" manner. But you are totally wrong for making any comment to her about it. Period. I don't care if you're one, 21 or 81. I don't care if you live with your parents, live on your own or live in a tent in the woods. Correcting somone for an insignificant thing like that is rude. Maybe you didn't say it to her in a rude fashion, but I gotta tell you that if some 21 year old kid, who is basically still tied to Mommy and Daddy's apron strings reagrdless of the fact that she considers herself an "adult" by law, ever called me to correct me about something like that, I'd laugh in her face.

Yikes, you called the inviter to tell him/her that moving forward you expect your own invite? Not for nothin', but if I were on the receiving end of that phone call, I'd have been pretty stunned, then chuckled at you and encouraged you not to attend, family or not.

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.

Totally agree with both of these posts! I'm 37, married, 3 kids and have lived away from home for 17 years and honestly I don't think I'd even think anything about how the invitation was worded or who's house it came to. It just seems to petty to ME!

My advice is when it comes to "battles" pick and choose them carefully!

 

[missj1975]

Wow, I can't believe this thread is nine pages long but at least it is entertaining. I am going to agree with the majority and say it was wrong to call the aunt.

I like the post on page 8 that basically said your aunt can address the invites however she wants. I agree! You are getting upset over nothing and actually made the situation worse. I wonder how many relatives will be whispering behind your back about how immature you are. Have fun at the party.

 

[Tybug]

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.

I agree with this completely! Well said Rick!!

Oh and if you were MY daughter... I'd be a bit more than pissed that you would call an aunt with such a request. Of course, since your mom was so upset I'm guessing that is where it all came from.

 

[Freyja]

I´d say you´re the one who lacks the etiquette in this matter. Should you have recieved your own invite? It would have been nice for you, but not neccesary in my books, since you still live at home. But to call and request one for future references was totally out of line in my opinion.

 

[Stacerita]

I still get invitations address to my parents with me on them. And I'm 33. Heck, we got an ivitation recently address to my parents, my nana, and myself on it. The bride and groom couldn't fit "and guest" on they said when I called and talked to them. Did it bother me? Nope. They saved on invitations and stamps. I was a little concerened about the "and guest" issue, but it all worked out. They are invitations, no need to worry and get upset over it. Like others have said, yeah it probably wasn't "proper", but neither is telling someone they did it wrong.

 

[dogluva]

I still get invitations address to my parents with me on them. And I'm 33. Heck, we got an ivitation recently address to my parents, my nana, and myself on it. The bride and groom couldn't fit "and guest" on they said when I called and talked to them. Did it bother me? Nope. They saved on invitations and stamps. I was a little concerened about the "and guest" issue, but it all worked out. They are invitations, no need to worry and get upset over it. Like others have said, yeah it probably wasn't "proper", but neither is telling someone they did it wrong.

Well until my grandmother died 4 years ago, she sent all letters to my mother's house. I was 36 years old when I got her last letter. I would give anything for one more letter even if I had to walk to Wales to get it.

 

[phillybeth]

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.

Rick, I think I love you. Marry me?

 

[flipflop]

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.

This ^^^^ is beautiful. Really.

Seems like an apple tree issue. My mother would have been rather unhappy and there would certainly have been a discussion if I had responded like you did in the same situation. You acted immature. As another poster said, pick your battles.

 

[yeartolate]

Yikes, you called the inviter to tell him/her that moving forward you expect your own invite? Not for nothin', but if I were on the receiving end of that phone call, I'd have been pretty stunned, then chuckled at you and encouraged you not to attend, family or not.

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.

I would like to add, etiquette is not a weapon. It is not meant to be picked apart and micromanaged.

If the recipient knows the intent of the invitiation, the invitation did its job. If the intent of the invitiation is unclear, a simple phone call is all thatis needed. You do not combat percieved poor etiquette with rude behavior.

 

[OK!]

My family's another one who does phone invites to just about everything and thank God we do, 'cause I know I'd end up screwing something up if it's this complicated!

FWIW, I personally would find it odd and redundant if I lived at home and my parents and I received separate invitations for the same event. It may be proper, but it seems awfully inefficient to me. JMO. Oh, and I'm a hell of a lot older than 21, too.

 

[yeartolate]

My family's another one who does phone invites to just about everything and thank God we do, 'cause I know I'd end up screwing something up if it's this complicated!

I totally understand.

But I find it sad.

Folks not wanting to perform a simple social function for fear of upseting someone ho is probably looking to judge or be offended. Seriously, go ahead and write te invites - and if someone goes postal over a ettiquite faux pas, tell them they are cordially uninvited.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Breathtakingly trivial concerns.

 

[Stacerita]

Breathtakingly trivial concerns.

Never heard someone say that before. I will have to steal it, remember it and use it down the road.

 

[yeartolate]

Breathtakingly trivial concerns.

Oooooooohhhh, I like that.

 

[OK!]

I totally understand.

But I find it sad.

Folks not wanting to perform a simple social function for fear of upseting someone ho is probably looking to judge or be offended. Seriously, go ahead and write te invites - and if someone goes postal over a ettiquite faux pas, tell them they are cordially uninvited.

Actually, the reason we don't send out formal invitations to things is that, frankly, there aren't that many family members left to send them to. We lost 14 in the past 2 years. I guess that cuts down on the list of the potentially offended, but it also makes it a waste of $$ to kick out for invitations that will go largely unused.

Thanks for the etiquette lesson, though.

 

[yeartolate]

It was actually an anti-etiquette lesson. I did not mean to offend. Most of our get-togethers are phone calls as well.

Etiquette is meant to make the recipient at ease. It is not meant to be picked apart.

I guess what I mean to say is that technically poor etiquette is not an excuse for rude behavior on the recipients part. If the recipient perceives mistreatment from a phone call rather than a formally written note in the proper format....that person WANTS to be pissed - and that is rude.

 

[OK!]

It was actually an anti-etiquette lesson. I did not mean to offend. Most of our get-togethers are phone calls as well.

Etiquette is meant to make the recipient at ease. It is not meant to be picked apart.

I guess what I mean to say is that technically poor etiquette is not an excuse for rude behavior on the recipients part. If the recipient perceives mistreatment from a phone call rather than a formally written note in the proper format....that person WANTS to be pissed - and that is rude.

Gotcha...sorry, I misunderstood.