A Blond Joke
- Thread starter WDWHound
- Start date
ROFLMAO - these are GREAT - i LOVE these jokesTimster said:Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Disclamer: Blonde's are great, but the jokes are kinda funny
Does anyone know any cajun jokes??? I am a cajun - i love em - heard most of em
Chipperdini
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2001
- Messages
- 1,181
I think I'll have to go play 'Cause I'm A Blonde by Julie Brown now...
B-L-O-N-D
Don't you wish you were me?
Timster
One out of four people are Mentally Unbalanced. Th
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2004
- Messages
- 451
Being that my last name is Landry, I can get away with these.
Boy, can I cut and paste!
When Boudreaux got home yesterday, Clotile ran out to him saying, "The car got water in the carburetor!" "How you know that, you?" "Cause it's parked in the Bayou!"
You know you are from Louisiana if...
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.
* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"
* Every so often, you have waterfront property.
* When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee.
* When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!
* Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.
* You've ever had Community Coffee.
* You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,)
* You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.
* You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.
* The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.
* You know the definition of "dressed".
* You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
* The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.
* The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO.
* You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.
* You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
* You go by "ya-mom-en-`dems" on Good Friday for family supper.
* You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
* You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
* You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
* You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors)
* You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.
* Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
* You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
* You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.
* You describe a color as "K&B Purple".
* You like your rice and politics dirty.
* You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.
* You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".
* A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.
* You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.
* You prefer skiing on the bayou.
* You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.
* You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.
Boy, can I cut and paste!
When Boudreaux got home yesterday, Clotile ran out to him saying, "The car got water in the carburetor!" "How you know that, you?" "Cause it's parked in the Bayou!"
You know you are from Louisiana if...
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.
* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"
* Every so often, you have waterfront property.
* When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee.
* When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!
* Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.
* You've ever had Community Coffee.
* You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,)
* You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.
* You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.
* The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.
* You know the definition of "dressed".
* You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
* The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.
* The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO.
* You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.
* You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
* You go by "ya-mom-en-`dems" on Good Friday for family supper.
* You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
* You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
* You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
* You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors)
* You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.
* Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
* You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
* You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.
* You describe a color as "K&B Purple".
* You like your rice and politics dirty.
* You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.
* You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".
* A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.
* You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.
* You prefer skiing on the bayou.
* You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.
* You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.
Sparx
DIS Legend
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2005
- Messages
- 27,163
I am sooo sorry for everyone that i am gonna offend... SORRY!!!
1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
30.Fewer than half of your cars run.
31.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
38.Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
39.Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
40.Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
41.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
43.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
44.You're an expert on worm beds.
45.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
46.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
47.Your family tree does not fork.
48.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
49.You haul more than U-Haul.
50.Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
51.There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
52.Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53.Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54.Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
55.Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
56.The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
57.Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
59.You've ever financed a tattoo.
60.You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
61.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
62.Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
63.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
64.You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
65.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
66.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
67.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
68.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69.You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
70.You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71.your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
72.You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
73.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best
picture.
74.None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
76.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
77.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
78.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
80.Birds are attracted to your beard.
81.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
82.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
84.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
85.Bikers back down from your momma.
86.You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
87.Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
88.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
89.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90.You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91.You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
94.You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
(If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
96.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
97.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
98.You clean your nails with a stick.
99.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100.Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
101.People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104.You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
106.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107.You've ever bought a used cap.
108.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110.Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
111.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
112.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
114.Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
115.In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
116.Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
117.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
119.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
121.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
123.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
124.Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
126.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127.You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
128.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
129.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
131.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
132.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
134.Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
135.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
137.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
138.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
139.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
141.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
142.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
143.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or
what?)
144.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
145.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
147.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
148.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
149.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
150.You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
151.You mow your lawn and find a car.
152.You can spit without opening your mouth.
153.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
154.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
155.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
156.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
157.You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
158.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
159.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161.You've never paid for a haircut.
162.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
164.You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
165.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166.The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
167.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169.You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
170.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
171.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
172.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
173.Your screen door has no screen.
174.Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah
Bubba's barn..."
175.Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
176.Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
177.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and
Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
178.You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
179.You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
180.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
181.You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
182.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
183.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
184.You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
185.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
186.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
187.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
188.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
189.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
190.It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
191.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
192.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
193.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
194.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
195.Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
196.The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
197.You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
198.You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
199.You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
200.Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
201.You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
202.You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
203.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
204.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
205.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
206.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
207.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
208.You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
209.You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
210.Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
211.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is
a redneck too if he pays you for it).
212.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
213.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
214.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
215.Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
216.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
217.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
218.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
219.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
220.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
221.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
222.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
223.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
224.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
225.Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
226.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
227.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
228.You bring your dog to work with you.
229.Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
230.You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
231.You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
232.Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
233.Your masseuse uses lard.
234.Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
235.You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
236.On stag night, you take a real deer.
237.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
238.Your back porch is bigger than your house.
239.There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
240.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
241.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
242.An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
243.You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
244.You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
245.Your secret family recipe is illegal.
246.Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
247.Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
248.Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
249.Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
250.You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
251.Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
253.You think cur is a breed of dog.
254.People hear your car long before they see it.
255.Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
256.Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
257.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
258.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
259.Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
260.You've ever hitchhiked naked,
261.You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
262.You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
263.Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
264.The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
265.The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
266.Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
268.There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
269.You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
270.The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
271.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
272.You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
273.Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
274.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
275.You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
276.The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
277.You list your parole officer as a reference.
278.There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
279.Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
280.There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
281.You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
282.You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
283.Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
284.Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
285.You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
286.You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
287.You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
288.You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
289.You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
30.Fewer than half of your cars run.
31.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
38.Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
39.Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
40.Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
41.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
43.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
44.You're an expert on worm beds.
45.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
46.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
47.Your family tree does not fork.
48.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
49.You haul more than U-Haul.
50.Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
51.There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
52.Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53.Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54.Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
55.Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
56.The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
57.Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
59.You've ever financed a tattoo.
60.You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
61.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
62.Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
63.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
64.You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
65.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
66.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
67.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
68.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69.You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
70.You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71.your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
72.You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
73.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best
picture.
74.None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
76.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
77.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
78.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
80.Birds are attracted to your beard.
81.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
82.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
84.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
85.Bikers back down from your momma.
86.You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
87.Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
88.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
89.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90.You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91.You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
94.You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
(If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
96.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
97.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
98.You clean your nails with a stick.
99.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100.Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
101.People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104.You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
106.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107.You've ever bought a used cap.
108.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110.Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
111.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
112.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
114.Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
115.In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
116.Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
117.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
119.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
121.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
123.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
124.Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
126.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127.You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
128.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
129.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
131.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
132.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
134.Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
135.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
137.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
138.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
139.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
141.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
142.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
143.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or
what?)
144.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
145.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
147.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
148.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
149.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
150.You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
151.You mow your lawn and find a car.
152.You can spit without opening your mouth.
153.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
154.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
155.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
156.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
157.You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
158.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
159.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161.You've never paid for a haircut.
162.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
164.You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
165.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166.The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
167.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169.You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
170.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
171.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
172.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
173.Your screen door has no screen.
174.Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah
Bubba's barn..."
175.Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
176.Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
177.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and
Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
178.You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
179.You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
180.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
181.You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
182.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
183.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
184.You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
185.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
186.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
187.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
188.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
189.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
190.It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
191.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
192.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
193.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
194.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
195.Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
196.The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
197.You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
198.You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
199.You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
200.Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
201.You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
202.You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
203.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
204.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
205.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
206.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
207.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
208.You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
209.You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
210.Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
211.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is
a redneck too if he pays you for it).
212.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
213.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
214.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
215.Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
216.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
217.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
218.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
219.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
220.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
221.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
222.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
223.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
224.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
225.Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
226.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
227.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
228.You bring your dog to work with you.
229.Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
230.You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
231.You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
232.Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
233.Your masseuse uses lard.
234.Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
235.You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
236.On stag night, you take a real deer.
237.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
238.Your back porch is bigger than your house.
239.There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
240.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
241.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
242.An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
243.You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
244.You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
245.Your secret family recipe is illegal.
246.Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
247.Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
248.Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
249.Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
250.You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
251.Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
253.You think cur is a breed of dog.
254.People hear your car long before they see it.
255.Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
256.Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
257.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
258.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
259.Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
260.You've ever hitchhiked naked,
261.You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
262.You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
263.Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
264.The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
265.The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
266.Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
268.There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
269.You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
270.The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
271.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
272.You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
273.Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
274.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
275.You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
276.The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
277.You list your parole officer as a reference.
278.There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
279.Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
280.There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
281.You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
282.You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
283.Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
284.Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
285.You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
286.You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
287.You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
288.You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
289.You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
bengalbelle
Geaux Tigers!
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Messages
- 6,675
Cut from Timster's Louisiana post:
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.
Do you mean crawfish
?
* When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!
Anything above Bunkie is considered Yankee territory
* You've ever had Community Coffee.
Is there any other kind of coffee?
* You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,)
...and Plaquemine (Plaque uh men), Brusly (brew lee), Tangipahoa (Tan juh pa ho uh)
* You know the definition of "dressed".
Really, is this just a Louisiana thing?
* The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.
LOL- This is so true!
* You like your rice and politics dirty.
* You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.
Scary, but true
* You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
...and nuns and small children
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.
Do you mean crawfish
?* When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!
Anything above Bunkie is considered Yankee territory
* You've ever had Community Coffee.
Is there any other kind of coffee?
* You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,)
...and Plaquemine (Plaque uh men), Brusly (brew lee), Tangipahoa (Tan juh pa ho uh)
* You know the definition of "dressed".
Really, is this just a Louisiana thing?
* The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.
LOL- This is so true!
* You like your rice and politics dirty.
* You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.
Scary, but true* You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
...and nuns and small children
disneyeveryyear
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2003
- Messages
- 4,395
There is a fire in the blonde's house.
She calls the fire department,
"Please, hurry, my house is on fire."
"Okay lady, what is the address?"
16842 Alfalfa Street.
The fireman thinks for a minute, and doesn't know where that is.
"How do we get there?"
"Duh, big red truck!!!"
She calls the fire department,
"Please, hurry, my house is on fire."
"Okay lady, what is the address?"
16842 Alfalfa Street.
The fireman thinks for a minute, and doesn't know where that is.
"How do we get there?"
"Duh, big red truck!!!"
cheeringmom
<font color=teal>Out of the mouth of babes<br><fon
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2001
- Messages
- 3,718
of a few of my favorites...
Q;Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A:She kept throwing out the W's
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: give her a bunch of M&M's and tell her to alphabatize them
Q:How do you kill a blonde?
A
ut spikes in her shoulder pads
Ok Nuff!!! btw I'M BLONDE AND I PAY GOOD MONEY TO BE THAT WAY!!!!
Q;Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A:She kept throwing out the W's
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: give her a bunch of M&M's and tell her to alphabatize them
Q:How do you kill a blonde?
A
ut spikes in her shoulder padsOk Nuff!!! btw I'M BLONDE AND I PAY GOOD MONEY TO BE THAT WAY!!!!
Rippington'sFan
Go Blue!
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 1,702
Q. Why did the blonde jump out the window?
A. To see if her Ultra Panty-Liners with Wings could fly.
A. To see if her Ultra Panty-Liners with Wings could fly.
Trish Bessette
<font color=green>Not a nerd<br><font color=blue>D
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2002
- Messages
- 3,338
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
Frosted Flake
Frosted Flake
SEAlla
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2003
- Messages
- 399
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my black lab had fresh air. She was stretched out on the backseat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said.
"Why don't you just put it in park?" ????
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said.
"Why don't you just put it in park?" ????
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