A Big Fat ZILCH!!!! (vent)

[Ember]

I agree with other posters. I'm sure there will be those who will come on and say we don't know the whole story, and they're right. But if what you've posted is true, I think you need to re-think this marriage. The way your husband is treating you is not right.

I think it's easy to get caught in a situation without really even realizing that it's happening, until one day you take stock and see what's actually going on. Your husbands behavior is not normal, it's not what other people deal with in their homes, and it's wrong.

Please don't let this just pass by without doing something about it. Maybe he's willing to work on the problem with you, to find out why this situation developed. If he is, then your marriage is worth saving. If he isn't, then he's taking advantage of you, plain and simple. I am so sorry you're going though this at Christmas.

 

[Poohbug]

Girl you need to STOP doing so much.

First of all stop doing everything for him on the weekends. He needs to see what it is like to actually take care of the kids. Stop making meals for him. If you want/can make something for the kids or yourself, go ahead. Don't make anything special just for him. Show him the same consideration he is showing you. Maybe he will see the light.

He needs to appreciate that you are doing the work of at least three jobs. You need to "help" him get it by making him do it.

I hope things get better for you.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

But I guess I'm going to be the odd one here and say, you have some part in this. Quite honestly, you do WAY too much. While he takes full ownership for his poor behavior, you've also helped to enable by trying to make up for where he lacks. Just reading what you do makes me want to go to bed for a few hours. Sometimes when people have very high expectations of what they think they need to do and how things should be, it puts pressure on those around them and they can "rebel" in other ways. Believe me, I'm NOT giving your husband a pass but WOW I think you do a LOT.

I have to chime in here, too. Don't get the kids' stuff ready for him, don't make him breakfast, etc., etc. As for the gift, I've learned that I have to tell DH what I want, and be VERY specific (this year was a cuisanart hand mixer). Otherwise, nothing. However, he's very willing to help me out - all I have to do is ask. Even when mine were babies, he'd tell me to go take a nap or get out of the house.

Stop doing it all, and enabling your DH.

 

[summerrluvv]

I'm sorry

 

[jemgumby]

So sorry your dealing with such a selfish spouse. I think since he doesn't really think about your needs then you can start treating him the exact same way. I agree you do too much. Out of curiosity does his mom baby him? What kind of relationship does his parents have?

 

[DawnCt1]

Wow! I feel exhausted just reading this. YOU DO WAY TOO MUCH! He needs to do more and he won't if you keep picking up, not only the slack but the entire rope. A "come to Jesus" meeting would include, "I can't continue to work if I don't get more help at home".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[minkydog]

The gift thing I could work with but his attitude and the general not helping with the kids and sharing the work would be a deal breaker for me. You need to have a long talk with him for sure! Sorry your going through this.

Me too. My DH has a hard time figuring out what to give me for Christmas so I just go buy myself what i want and deliver it to his gift closet. He's thrilled, I'm thrilled. All he has to do is put the things in gift bags and usually he hands that job off to DD16. He hates wrapping.

When I was younger I also worked 12hr night shifts on weekends(Baylor shifts) plus one or two nights during the week. DH was very much like your husband. He was at a loss as to what to do with the babies. Finally we decided that to keep the peace we needed to hire some help (we have no family here, so it's all on us.) Eventually, I had to change shifts and work fewer hours, though, because the whole childcare thing was grating on me.

We made it through those days and thankfully, DH grew up eventually and starting taking charge. He does all the laundry, helps with our handicapped son, cleans up the kitchen. He's a good man and a good father, but it was tough hauling for a while there. I don't know if you feel that way about your DH. If you feel like your marriage is threatened you might want to think about some marriage counseling. He may or may not go along with it, but I bet it would help you cope with your situation. He may decide not to change his ways--how do you want to deal with that? You have my complete sympathies.

 

[Ppufi]

Don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but it sounds like my ex-father. Mom's seperated, soon-to-be divorced from him. These creeps are toxic. You don't need the extra stress from him.

I'm sorry.

 

[ProgressCity]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

But I guess I'm going to be the odd one here and say, you have some part in this. Quite honestly, you do WAY too much. While he takes full ownership for his poor behavior, you've also helped to enable by trying to make up for where he lacks. Just reading what you do makes me want to go to bed for a few hours. Sometimes when people have very high expectations of what they think they need to do and how things should be, it puts pressure on those around them and they can "rebel" in other ways. Believe me, I'm NOT giving your husband a pass but WOW I think you do a LOT.

I agree, he's living this way because he gets away with it. Like with my DH's kids, they are little angels with us but they give their mother hell because she lets them. You need to stop enabling him.

While it's nice to vent, I would like to offer some of the sincerest advice I could ever give: only discuss marriage issues with your spouse or with someone who knows and loves you both. I have seen too many marriages end because one spouse complained about the other to his/her friends, none of which knew the spouse in question, rallied to the side of the venting spouse and encouraged him/her to leave the marriage when they haven't even met the other spouse or don't really know or care about them. It can also feel like a betrayal of trust to your spouse that you are discussing marital issues with others that don't really know the situation. There's your story, his story, and then there's the truth. Human beings are simply too emotional to ever accurately portray the truth when it comes to something that affects them. There have been times when I've been so mad at my dh that I wanted to get on this forum and vent and have my dis friends rally around, but it would really be a disservice to our marriage because he really is an incredible dh even though there are snippets of our marriage that if I published in a public forum I have no doubt would get a resounding chorus of "leave the jerk!" DH and I make it a policy to just not talk about our marriage with anyone outside of our marriage (each other) and if we have to vent we have designated certain friends that we know love and care about BOTH of us to vent to and these friends know that they are our vent outlets .

So, in the interest of this venting thread, your dh is being a jerk . Enjoy your evening and maybe relegate him to the sofa when he gets home .

But if there is a serious problem in your marriage and you're seriously thinking about ending it (beyond this very frustrating day you've had) please do your marriage, your family, and especially your kids the justice that they deserve, and take these concerns to your husband, a counselor, or a close friend that loves and respects you, your dh, and your marriage equally.

Hope things look up for you!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I begged my DH for my gift and strongly hinted as I was unavailable at the proper time to purchase it myself. I often do that when there is something I really want. I just can't help myself.

As for the OP, it sounds like you feel you are taken advantage of and clearly are upset by that.

I would take a step back and do what is only truly needed. I.e., feed your kids when you are home--make sure food is in the pantry/fridge for when you are not there. But have your husband be 100% responsible for everything when you are not home. Kids cleanliness, clothing, food, etc. I know you feel that everything you do is needed, but it isn't. Your DH is a grown man who is fully capable and he will not let your child be filty, naked, and hungry for 12 hours.

I also think, that b/c you do so much and are passive when it seems that he wants to do something (like the gifts and you refused to provide him any suggestions) that it is highly likely that he is totally clueless.

It isn't an excuse, but it is certainly a reason why you need a come to Jesus meaning so that he will be notified that you will stop being his parent and becoming his wife.

I don't by any of his excuses--and I sincerely recommend a strike of your services as they do nothing but enable the behavior that is undesirable to you.

 

[NatashaDisneyCM]

yah, bottom line in 10 months I would be doing that disney land and sea adventure with out him!

 

[Planogirl]

I agree with those who said to do just what you have for yourself and the kids and let your DH take care of himself. Enough is enough.

I hope that you enjoy the movie. It's a nice one and might just help with the stress.

 

[smkiya]

So sorry your dealing with such a selfish spouse. I think since he doesn't really think about your needs then you can start treating him the exact same way. I agree you do too much. Out of curiosity does his mom baby him? What kind of relationship does his parents have?

They are of the June and Ward Cleaver variety. He lived at home with them until he was 30 and we moved to California together. I should have realized it then, that was 12 years ago...

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I've learned that people will treat you however you let them treat you. Stop putting up with it. Talk it out. Let him know how you feel. Seek counseling. If all that fails, you might need to think about taking a step towards divorce. How can you be happy living like that?

 

[Donnainnj]

Do you really need to get a 2nd job? I can't see that helping the situation. Are you trying to escape or is there a real need? Was he the same way with DD when she was a baby, or is this a new behavior? I hope things get better, but it may take a true heart to heart to see if it's possible.
Donna

 

[LoraJ]

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

 

[jjarman]

One thing I think most of the posters here don't realize is since you are a nurse, you are used to doing things for people. You are used to making it all better. My mother is a retired RN and she is still trying to fix everything, LOL. My brother and sis-in-law are going through counseling because basically she was doing it all and she got fed up with it. Now my brother had major health issues but he is much better now and can do more. And he is and I think they will be fine. But sounds like your husband is used to having it all done for him. First momma did it then he married you and you did it. Stop fixing everything for the kids before you go to work. He will manage to find something for them to wear and eat. I remember once my husband had to dress DS for preschool and take him. I told him just pick something out. Well, I picked him up that afternoon and he looked like a homeless child. But he did get him dressed without my help. It won't kill him to do it and it will be good for the children to see that daddy can do things for them too. And if he balks and just refuses to do it, that is your cue that he is not the great dad you imagined him to be. Good dads do those kinds of things. And the second job, forget that honey.

 

[jemgumby]

They are of the June and Ward Cleaver variety. He lived at home with them until he was 30 and we moved to California together. I should have realized it then, that was 12 years ago...

So he saw his mother doing everything for him and his father and just thought you would be the same way.....Since he lived at home until he was 30 he may have been babied a great deal by his mom too. I think he needs a good dose of reality. If you slacked off in what you were doing then I think it would be evident. Again so sorry you are dealing with it. Please keep us posted and I wish you all the best!