...........................................

[Jcricket Fan]

Because I don't know all the specific information about your husbands VA history I may send you some sites that won't pertain to your situation but they may have some info. you can use. I apologize up front if this happens. I am focusing in on sites that could offer no or low cost services to veterans.

http://www.cremation.org/veterans.shtml

Colleen

 

[eeyore45]

Just wanted to send up prayers, and {hugs} Continue to use the advice of friends to pressure the medical doctors, find the strength where you can, find time to rest and take care of yourself. Thank you for posting and letting us know where you are, and how we can help you!! We do care!!



I will also step up with those that feel that if you can begin talks with a funeral director now, than you should.. do what you can, and let everything else wait till "tomorrow"

 

[marymrg]

C.Ann - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I echo the statements of all of the previous posters.


It is good that you are asking questions of what happens when he passes. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. So, here is my experience with the "morbid" side of things. When my f-i-l was dying, he preplanned his burial needs. He wanted things done as cheaply as possible. (as he lived, so he died)........ Not that he was really cheap(ok, maybe a little), he just thought that it would be a waste of money. My fil died in a hospice facility and had been on hospice home care for a few months prior to being transferred. When he was diagnosed, he refused all treatment and signed on with hospice. His initial visits were limited, but as time went on, the care increased and his main nurse knew when the time came to transfer him from the home to the facility. His greatest desire was to not burden his wife at the end. We were all very relieved when he was transferred out as we knew he would be much more comfortable and not be worried about his family coping, even though we all knew that it meant the end was very near. (2 weeks) He did not want to die at home and did not want anyone to be there when he died. I know he waited to go until everyone had left him.

He did a direct cremation with a local crematory. I don't think he needed to be embalmed. I don't think he needed a casket, but if he did, it was the cheapest that the health code required. (those would be good questions to ask) And if you can't ask, then write them down and have a family member do so for you. There were no calling hours and we held a Memorial Mass on a Saturday, about a week later. This was done so that relatives would be able to make travel arrangements and that more people could attend and not have to miss work. (my fil really was a detail man) The funeral director associated with the crematory handled what little arrangements needed to be made. (submitting an obituary - which costs money and confirming the time with the Church as my fil was in the choir there so they knew his wishes as far as songs, etc.) Again, these were all of his wants, and probably not what we would have done if were left with making the decisions after his passing. He was buried (not sure of the word - his ashes were interred in a mausoleum) several weeks later when the immediate family could gather. All we had to do was contact the mausoleum and arrange the time. (this was prepaid)

I think your dh might be eligible for some burial benefits because of his military service and there might also be Social Security benefits. This would be another question to ask and a funeral director could also answer that for you (if you are not getting much help from the VA)

You have an awful lot to handle right now, so if family or friends ask what they can do to help, maybe they can do some calling and researching for you and find out some answers. Be upfront with the funeral director about finances and I am sure he/she will tailor their services to meet your needs. Maybe there are certain decisions that could be made in advance, and others that don't need to be made right away.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

C.Ann, when my father died a couple of years ago, we didn't have a funeral. The embalming and minimum costs we had were still $1600. The only saving grace in all those costs was that we dealt with a very modest funeral home in a very depressed area of our city.

Planning the funeral is bad at any point in time. But don't lose sight of some very important information....Even Jesus lived and died in the most meager of circumstances. Don't feel badly for price shopping and corner cutting in this situation. If your husband is retired US Military, you will have some benefits. Contact the veteran's office nearby. The hospital can work with you as well.

I'm so sorry for your situation and am sending you a prayer...

 

[janette]

I have no medical knowledge for the pain killers but do have some on the other question.

When my FIL was sick and not expected to last much longer a friend of mine who happened to work in a funeral home at the time came and talked to my MIL & her daughters one evening. She walked her through what to expect and the choices she'd need to make. My MIL knew the basics of what they wanted but is a planner and the details were bothering her.

My FIL died during the night after my friend had visited. If she hadn't talked to my friend my MIL would have been worried about arrangements in the middle of the night right after he passed. She was able to wait until the morning and go the funeral home she'd selected and there were no suprises. Her & my SIL's all said how much knowing what to expect helped them.

You will be eligible for Vetern's services. My FIL was buried in the Veterns cemetery and it was a very nice graveside service. That part is up to you but internment for your DH is at no cost there, my MIL wants to rest there when her time comes. They will also have space for you when it's needed.

Losing my FIL was one of the hardest things I've had to do, I know that this is so much harder for you.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I can't help with the medication issue. I have no earthy idea. But sounds like you've had a lot of knowledgable people responding.

If you'd like to go to the funeral home in advance, I think I'd do it while your DH is in the hospital. You'd probably feel better leaving him there than when he's at home. Somehow there is more on your shoulders at that point, even if you have help. If you aren't comfortable with going in advance, you might want to talk to a minister if one will be involved. Much of the planning for my dad's funeral was actually done at home with our priest. His death was unexpected, so we didn't preplan. He had us discuss hymns that we wanted, advised us to look for a photo for the newspaper, and had us think about writing about his life again for the newspaper. We also laughed a bit about some funny stories. I think I'd do as much in advance as possible, especially since you are hoping to keep from going deeply into debt. Funeral parlors can suck you dry!

This next part is not first hand information, but might be worth looking into. You can get a lifetime membership in a local memorial society for about $25. This is a nonprofit organization that can give you the name of the memorial society closest to you. Their whole point is to keep funeral costs low and you are supposed to be able to contact them 24/7. Societies negotiate in advance for no-frills expenses. If there is a society near you it might help with expenses. I'd check into it.
Continental Association of Funeral and Memorial Societies
1-800-458-5563

Finally, I was with my grandmother when she passed. We knew she was dying. She hadn't been awake for a day or two, but she was hanging on. A friend asked me if we were okay with her passing - if we were prepared and okay with it. I replied that we were. She advised me to hold my grandmother's hand and talk to her. To tell her that my mother was home resting. That I would take care of Mom and everything was okay. She also said I should tell her that we were ready for her to go. That she didn't have to hang on for us anymore. That we wanted her to be released from the pain and suffering. I did what she had said. I poured my heart out and then said I'd be right there. She was gone within 30 minutes. I'm not kidding!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. It's a difficult time. Remember that we're here for you.

 

[safetymom]

C.Ann, if you would feel better making some arrangements now then I say do it. If it is something you would rather take care of after then wait and do it then.

When my husband died on a Friday night, Saturday morning we were at the funeral home. Now might be a good time to think of the special things you might like and write them down.

Remember to take care of yourself too.

 

[cvemom]

C.Ann follow your heart and your instincts and rely on your friends for support it your decision.

 

[marymrg]

C.Ann - here's a link to the type of funeral services that you may need. For lack of a better term, they skip the middle man (private funeral home) and thus expenses are lower. I hope you can find something similar in your area.

http://www.eriecountycremation.com/pageDisplay.jsp?pageid=10331

 

[4nana]

Dear C.Ann ,

You, your DH, and family continue to be in my prayers during these difficult days .
I pray for peace, soon, for all of you.

Hearing you speak of arranging for your DH funeral brings vivid memories of losing my dear Dad. He had cancer for years, and even tho you know it's going to happen, it is just as devastating. As his illness progressed, we did talk over all his wishes, however, we did not prearrange.

I worked in a funeral home for a few yrs, and many terminally ill patients and families come in to pre-arrange. IMO - it does make things less stressful when the times comes. Pls, do what you feel is the best.

The night my dear Dad passed and the following week is a total blur. Somehow, somewhere, you are granted the strength from above. We first had to meet with the F director. They are very understanding and trained to help in any way they can - emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. It took about 2 hrs to get everything in order. Here we were, a grief stricken Mom and her 3 children choosing the finals for our beloved one... picking out a casket, prayers cards, times for viewing, church, preacher, speakers, pallbearers, flowers, clothes, papers to no end, news articles, finances, etc. There were things we would have changed, had it all been prearranged, when our heads and hearts were clearer.

I was blessed to have my Dad 86 yrs. Being a WW11 vet, the F director arranged for a military honors funeral. Much is a blur, but I do remember, it was the most beautiful tribute I have ever seen and my Dad would have been proud. It was 2 yrs ago, a cold, windy, snowing Jan 28. Dad's casket was draped in the American flag. At the resting place, the soldiers folded it and presented it to my Mom, as the bugler stood on a nearby snowy hill, playing taps .

As for the finance part, the Fdirector will work with you. Most times w/o ins. the children are more than glad to help with expenses. If that doesn't work out, maybe a loan or CC until you sell your house. Your DH should qualify for the VA cemetery and headstone. If there is a cost, it will be very minimal.
My Mom did not choose VA cemetary, but a private one, close to home she could visit weekly. You should also qualify for a VA death benefit of few hundred dollars and for SS $250 death benefit. My DH is 10 yrs senior to me, so I am also in the class of under 60 yr old and not being able to rec his SS, if Lord forbid, something happened. Have faith and rest assured, you have a loving family and will always be provided for.

I am praying you and your family are granted the faith and strength to get though these difficult days and DH is soon at peace. Many people go through this alone. You are blessed with a big family that will love, support and guide you through these days.

Pls know that all your Dis friends are her to help anyway and anytime we can....
don't hesitate to ask .

Love and prayers,
Sandie

 

[ginna74]

Does he belong to a VFW or DAV group? If so they will help with playing taps and the flag ect. . My uncle was a VN vet and didn't belong to a "group" but still was able to get a 21 gun salute, taps, and the flag. Was harder to get them there but we got them. The vfw and dav just make things a little easier as they arrange most everything. Heck when me and hubby go we can get that service. Still praying for yur family...

 

[Pamlur]

C. Ann, I'm so sorry; somehow, I had assumed that you could continue with your husband's SS benefits. My error.

 

[Lezah]

My Dad has been on both the Oxycodone and the liquid morphine and has gotten good relief from both. I have even had to take them when the migraines were at their worst back in September with good relief as well. As some of the other posters have said they are good pain killers when used in the right doses (perhaps higher than directed sometimes? especially in palliative cases). The ativan hopefully will be reinstated before your DH comes home as it will help ++++. Just my own two cents of course to add to all the good advice you've gotten here.

On the Funeral home issue, I also agree with following your own heart. I know that it would make me feel and breathe easier knowing that arrangements were made before and that I didn't have to deal with it after. I am an only and I dread having to do it when either of my DF or DM go and I keep bugging them to get it organized. I agree with one of the other posters, though that perhaps organizing things now while your DH is in the hospital may be easier than when he comes home. But, you need to follow your heart and please look after yourself. You have been so strong throughout all of this and never apologise for coming to the DIS to vent. We are all here for you day or night, in spirit anyway! You all remain in our prayers.

 

[MELSMICE]

C.Ann - more prayers for you.

As to your questions - I do not know about the medications.

As far as going to the funeral home. This is JMO, & I may be in the minority, but if you already know what funeral home you will be dealing with & have already decided that your DH will be cremated, & are superstitous about going there, then maybe you should wait.

Don't get me wrong, I don't see anything wrong with pre-planning for services, but if it will make you uncomfortable then just wait until you need to go. Honestly, I think it will be emotional regardless of when you go there.

Hugs to you.

 

[heathrow42]

I am not a doctor or nurse (and I don't play one on tv).. but have unfortunately a fair bit of experience with narcotics.. I've done all the research (over and over and over, hoping there would be something new..) in anycase.. this is what I've learned.. YMMV

There are 2 derivatives of morphine, hydromorphone (brand name Dilaudid) and oxycodone (wich comes in the form of Percocet, Percodan, and Oxycontin -- the differences being mostly the time releasing, and dosage) The Dilaudid is actually stronger than straight morphine. The patches that someone referred to above may have been fentanyl -- which they often give to cancer patients .. it comes in several forms, a time released patch that you wear for 3 days, or lolipop for breakthrough pain are the most common. If they don't want to switch him off the oxycodone, they may allow him to have fentanyl pops for breakthrough pain.. (if, so be very careful with them! Do no touch the medication part and follow directions for proper disposal, same goes for the patch.. they can be lethal to people without a narcotic tolarence!!!)

Keep in mind, that they may be trying to manage his meds in a way that leaves room for breakthrough pain.. if he becomes tolarent to Dilaudid or fentanyl, there will be nothing left in their aresonal of pain meds to help him with breakthrough pain.

..As for the funeral arrangements, personally I'd say, spend as much time with him as you can.. talk to him.. tell him how much you love him. Even if he is not aware of his surroundings, do it for you, as much as for him..

Heather

 

[wilderness01]

I am so sorry for the pain you and family are going through.

 

[mrsstats]

I am sorry for all the suffering you are going thru rignt now. I don't know anything about the medications but I know hospice is the best thing that you can do right now. They helped when my dad died 10 years ago from lung cancer. They came in and made it possible for him to pass without suffering too much.

As far as the funeral, we went ahead of time for my dad as we knew he was dying and felt it was best to have everything in place. After my dad died and my mom was still here but sick with emphysema, we planned her funeral as well. She lived several more years after planning. We found it easier on us to have it all in place.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Tulirose]

C.Ann - I sit here reading this thread in tears.

I have no advice to offer in response to your questions....just hearfelt prayers for you and your husband......

 

[casey49781]

i am sorry for you and your family,,no one should have to be in pain at there last moments,,,,when my mom had throat cancer 2 1/2 years ago we had a wonderful doctor and of course hospice was great and being from a small town there was none of the bull your going through going on,,,first let me ask you has
your husbands doctor put him on hospice ,,,if so there program is to let them pass with little or no pain,,,next maybe you could call a local doctor and explain what is going on and maybe you can get more help that way,,,even if you have to pay the office call to have it ordered up,,,,i am very sorry this is happening to you and your family and for that matter your husband,,,,my mom was on so much pain meds that i dont even think she had the one you were talking about but had patch and liquid along with a few others and she didnt suffer at all,,,,i wish i could come help you out,,,,once again i am sorry ,,,,as far as the funeral ,,,its what ever you are able to tolerate,,,i did mine after,,,no way is easy and good luck to you and your family sending alot of pixie dust your way

 

[*Fantasia*]

C.Ann...You are not bugging us at all. We just appriciate the updates. We are just so sorry that you and your husband have to go through this. I hope your husband will find peace and comfort.

When my husband passed away suddenly 3 yrs ago, I was not in state of mind. My sister and a friend helped with the funeral and cemetery. So now, my parents and my sister and her husband later purchased their lots at the cemetery, so this is one less to worry when the time comes.

You are a very strong person and you have to be for you and for your husband. I think it's not a bad idea to get some infos or to arrange the funeral since this is a terminal illness. If it's not terminal illness then yes, I would feel very superstitious. This is just my opinion.

You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Telly