..

[tasha99]

Discipline is needed less frequently when you are an involved, proactive parent.
If I do need to discipline, it is one or more of the following: timeout, restrictions on activity time or privleges removed. He is now 7, and is a child everyone compliments as well behaved, courteous, and polite.

I always see this example dragged out - "oh, but my toddler ran away from me in a parking lot - they could have been killed! so I had to spank them"
and what runs through my mind is lazy parentsParents that can't or won't plan thier life better to avoid the situation.

This was not my child, but this speaks volumes about the match incident in the OP...I was with a relatives child, and I had a hot coffee sitting on a counter. The child reached for it, and in the nick of time I noticed and moved the cup. Obviously I would not discipline someone elses child, but if it was my child, would I spank him because it was dangerous and he could have gotten hurt? Of course not! As the adult it was completely my fault for not better monitoring her and thinking about where I put a hot beverage.

OP, You don't say how old you were, but if my son was playing with matches, I would talk to him about why it is dangerous and how he should never do that, age appropriate... and as the responsible adult PUT THE MATCHES WHERE A CHILD CAN'T PLAY WITH THEM. Duh!

I think this example doesn't really work because it would be a rare parent who would spank a child for that. Now imagine the child was 5 instead of a toddler, and he reached for the coffee, and you said no. He stopped, but when you turned your head, he tried for the coffee again. To me, it would a spanking or a time out for directly disobeying a safety rule. In addition, there would be some serious talking about safety and disobedience.

 

[hipchickie]

In this particular incident, your forms of discipline would have meant absolutely nothing to me.. And the "talk" would have had my eyes glazing over.. LOL

I know it's a difficult concept to grasp, but in the 50's children always played in their yards unsupervised.. It would have been quite odd to see a parent outside hovering over them.. As kindergarteners we didn't even have school buses that picked us up and dropped us off in front of our houses! Yet somehow we survived.. Pretty amazing, huh?

Since you didn't have experience with this form of discipline, I don't think you can accurately say how you would react. Maybe you were a "difficult" child because of being spanked i know I was


I know this is difficult to grasp, but being an involved, proactive parent does not equal hover parenting. Taking precautions so your child does not endanger themselves or others just takes a little planning and responsibilty

 

[Microcell]

I agree C.Ann I was allowed to play outside in the 70's and 80's unattended too, even walked down the block to play with the neighbors! Times were different then, kids weren't being snatched (or rather there was not 24 hour news reporting on it all the time).

I do recall being five and telling a girl across the street I couldn't play because I couldn't cross the street by myself though! My mom must have put a couple of blades in the helicoptor!

I am a helicopter parent because my DD was a baby when Pamela Butler was taken from her front yard and killed by a guy who told a co-worker "I just want to kill a kid". Her mom did what I would have, and jumped on TV so fast to bring her girl home and I remember that so well, how she was so strong, and when they found that SOB and lord willing he is someone's girlfriend in Leavenworth today. They also found that little girl's body and I vowed then and there to protect my DD.

 

[hipchickie]

I think this example doesn't really work because it would be a rare parent who would spank a child for that. Now imagine the child was 5 instead of a toddler, and he reached for the coffee, and you said no. He stopped, but when you turned your head, he tried for the coffee again. To me, it would a spanking or a time out for directly disobeying a safety rule. In addition, there would be some serious talking about safety and disobedience.

I disagree, sadly I think a lot of parents would, and do, spank for something that. I know they do, they talk about it.
I wholeheartedly believe in time outs, and I did mention I use them.

Honestly though, I can't imagine an instance where a NT 5 year old would be warned of the dangers of hot coffee and go for it again I could imagine a 4 year old being told to not touch matches and why, and still going for those again, but hey, parenting is an ongoing job. Consistancy is key.

 

[luvmy3]

I know this is difficult to grasp, but being an involved, proactive parent does not equal hover parenting. Taking precautions so your child does not endanger themselves or others just takes a little planning and responsibilty

But being an involved, proactive parent doesn't always mean your children will never be at risk, responsibility and planning don't always prevent accidents. You can take all the precautions in the world and some kids will still find danger and may need a different discipline technique than other children in order to teach them about those dangers.

 

[hipchickie]

And shudder the thought - this was back in the 50's when helicopter parenting wasn't the trend and children were actually allowed to play outside in the yard without being under a microscope..

BTW, there are a lot of things that have changed in the last 50 or so years
Are we headed down a road that ends with someone saying that they "never had a car seat and the are JUST FINE!"?

 

[hipchickie]

But being an involved, proactive parent doesn't always mean your children will never be at risk, responsibility and planning don't always prevent accidents. You can take all the precautions in the world and some kids will still find danger and may need a different discipline technique than other children in order to teach them about those dangers.

So you would you spank for an accident?
If it is an accident, it is unlikely to happen again, and you don't need to discipline for future occurances - especially now that you are further educated on how to prevent it.

Could you give an example though, because I am not quite grasping what you are describing.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Nothing is 100%.

We just use a stern "NO". And our daughter usually listens.

If she is doing something DANGEROUS..I get up and remove her from the situation. Explain to her what she was doing wrong and put her in a time out. A min, for each year of her age.

Spanking is just SO wrong in my book. I don't feel or think that it teaches a child any love or right from wrong, but teaches them violence and ultimatley disrespect.

Children are NEW, they have never done this before..They are learning life one step at at time.
You are now lets say 40..you are learning things new every day. If your boss came up to you and spanked ya on the butt every time you possiably put your company in trouble, or filed a paper wrong. I think there would be a problem there.
Kid's are people too! Respect them.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

------------------

I'm not so sure of that.. When my dad swatted me on my butt for playing with matches (a dangerous situation that could have resulted in our house burning down), I never played with matches again.. He never spanked me for routine, run-of-the-mill stuff - just extremely serious infractions - which I never repeated again.. So I would have to say that in those instances, it was 100% fail-proof.. LOL

You stoped your actions, b/c you were scared that your father would hit you again. I DOUBT you stopped b/c you realized that burning the house down would have been a bad idea.

 

[luvmy3]

So you would you spank for an accident?
If it is an accident, it is unlikely to happen again, and you don't need to discipline for future occurances - especially now that you are further educated on how to prevent it.

Could you give an example though, because I am not quite grasping what you are describing.

I have said in a pp that I do not spank my children but have in the past. When I say accident I mean it being a result from a child doing something that they should not have been doing. I guess I can use the OP's situation as an example. She played with matches, luckily it didn't result in her house being caught on fire. It easily could have, and that would have been an accident.
We can plan all we want, like drilling into our children's head not do do something because it is dangerous, like running into the street, or grabbing something off the stove, etc. We can put up fences and not allow our children into the kitchen when the stove is on. We can forbid them from doing something that we know could be dangerous but it may not always prevent the child from disobeying our rules.

 

[luvmy3]

You stoped your actions, b/c you were scared that your father would hit you again. I DOUBT you stopped b/c you realized that burning the house down would have been a bad idea.

Who cares why she didn't do it again, the point of the spanking was so she wouldn't do it again.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

What are your 100% fail-proof disciplinary actions that you use?

Particularly in situations where there is danger involved..

In my opinion I do not think that there is any 100% fail proof discipline - even spanking.

In cases of danger I have a very sharp tone of voice that works wonders with my dd. It alerts her that something is very very wrong. I do not use it all the time (otherwise it would be worthless) but it causes her to stop in her tracks.

I do have to admit that this only works when she is in my presence. It is enough for her.

I also have a look, like a pp said, that can stop my dd in her tracks and cause her to immediately come sit by my side (very useful in public!! LOL!!).

 

[Corryn]

Discipline is needed less frequently when you are an involved, proactive parent.

Not true. Every single situation is different. That is a fact.

I was a SAHM and was very proactive in the lives of my children. I didn't have family to rely on and when it came to shopping, doctors appointment, etc. my kids were attached to my hips. I volunteered at their preschool, I was their religion teacher, I was their girl scout leader, I was involved in every aspect of their lives.
When we took our girls out to a restaurant, each and every time someone, whether it were the server or someone dining close to us, would remark about how wonderful our children were behaving. Even in the doctor's office during the long wait, the nurses/secretaries always remarked about how my kids stayed in one spot and didn't cause trouble.
My children were constantly praised by their teachers for their behaviour.
And now they're both in high school and emotionally stable and mature for kids their age - of course, they are teenagers but they're great kids.

In the other post regarding hitting, I remarked about a family that I used to invite over that I had to stop inviting over because their mother didn't believe in hitting and her kids always broke something while they went wilding around my home. The oldest, who is in h.s. with my oldest, is, unfortunately, a social outcast and she is having a very hard time navigating her way through her life in high school.
I attribute that to her parents "letting her be who she wants to be" without constraints. If the kids did something wrong, the mother would try to explain to the kids why it was wrong, but the kids didn't listen. They also thought their kids were just "so cute" when they got rambunctious and out of hand - Isn't she just so funny? Now the poor girl doesn't know which way is up because she never got direction or boundaries properly set while she was younger.

If you don't believe in hitting your kids that's fine & that is your choice. I personally think a smack here and there has helped shape the responsible, loving teenagers I have. That's my experience and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[Rella Bella]

Check out this method, it worked very well for us.

Discipline Without Damage
http://www.dwd.com/

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

In the other post regarding hitting, I remarked about a family that I used to invite over that I had to stop inviting over because their mother didn't believe in hitting and her kids always broke something while they went wilding around my home. The oldest, who is in h.s. with my oldest, is, unfortunately, a social outcast and she is having a very hard time navigating her way through her life in high school.
I attribute that to her parents "letting her be who she wants to be" without constraints. If the kids did something wrong, the mother would try to explain to the kids why it was wrong, but the kids didn't listen. They also thought their kids were just "so cute" when they got rambunctious and out of hand - Isn't she just so funny? Now the poor girl doesn't know which way is up because she never got direction or boundaries properly set while she was younger.

If you don't believe in hitting your kids that's fine & that is your choice. I personally think a smack here and there has helped shape the responsible, loving teenagers I have. That's my experience and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think it is possible to raise responisble loving kids without a smack here and there. It is sad for your friends child. A parent can provide directions, boundries, and rules without having to smack them and it is sad that her parents were not able to do this.

I was raised without being smacked and I am raising my dd without smacking her. That is my choice.

 

[CowboyCO]

I have two sons, 9 & 7.

I used to spank them occassionally when they were younger --age 3-5, but rarely. Open hand on the bottom. More of an attention getter.

I found it wasn't very effective for us and I didn't like myself afterwards.

My mother used to spank me with a belt. When I was in 8th grade, I dodged some chores. My mom came home, got angry and got out the belt. I was wearing shorts and she whipped me so hard it caused blody welts to rise up on my legs. I still carry one scar on my leg today.

Did I ever ever dodge chores again? Yes, occasionally. But not often. But I do not want o my kids to grow up with resentment in their hearts towards me for "punishment". For my family, I have found that strong discipline (not punishment) and praise for good bahavior are most effective.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I also don't think there is a fail-safe method that works for each child. It depends on the child, the infraction, etc.

I try to choose a punishment that fits the crime. Sometimes, there isn't one, so we'll use time-out or loss of privileges like TV or computer time, or grounding. But often, there is something that makes sense and can both punish and help them understand why they can't do what they did at the same time.

To use the "running into the street" example, if my kids tried to run from me in a parking lot or other dangerous area when they were younger, I made them hold my hand, and explained to them that it's dangerous, they need to stay near me or dad, and since they didn't, they'd now have to hold our hand until we think they are ready to try again. My 5yo is great about looking before crossing a street, whether she's with me or not, and great about staying directly beside me when we're in a parking lot. She hates being required to hold my hand and would much rather get a swat on the bottom than have to hold my hand on every errand for the next week.

This works for us. I don't really care how anyone else disciplines their kids, though.

 

[taylor1293]

Why does a dangerous situation need to be resolved with physical discipline? I'm not really clear on that.

No discipline method is 100%. If it were, there would be no need for any form of discipline past the age of 5 or 6 when children develop the ability to understand that the world does not actually revolve around them.

I also don't understand the "well my kids turned out fine" argument. My husbands father was abusive...not as abusive as some, but abusive nonetheless. They got smacked, minor beatings, both physically and emotionally abused. That is, until the day my husband was bigger than his dad. I think he was around 12. FIL was on one of his tirades with DH's sister (she was probably 14). He was physically trying to smack her when my husband shoved him up against the wall and told him that he would never lay a hand on any of them again. And you know what...FIL never did. My point of sharing this story is that my DH and his 3 siblings turned out great! That doesn't mean his dad, "did something right" it means that, fortunately, they had other influences in their lives that overruled the abusive behavior. Also, fortunately, none of them followed in the footsteps of the father with their children.

I have a respectful, loving, and caring teenager. She's at a trying age (nearly 15) but we have a fabulous mother/daughter relationship. I've never laid a hand on her, not that I haven't been angry enough at points in my life. But that's what I think smacking your kids is about, a release for the parents anger, not an actual discipline method for behavior. I know people will say otherwise, but I know a lot of people who spank their children, and I've always seen it as an immediate knee-jerk response. Not a "go to your room and tomorrow, you'll get three swats to the rear" for your behavior. There may be those parents out there, but I don't know any personally.

I also want to add, I do think there is a difference between a swat on the behind or hand and other types of "hits" such as smacking in the face and punching and/or leaving marks. While I feel that none are necessary, I only believe that the latter are abusive.

 

[allison443]

When we took our girls out to a restaurant, each and every time someone, whether it were the server or someone dining close to us, would remark about how wonderful our children were behaving. Even in the doctor's office during the long wait, the nurses/secretaries always remarked about how my kids stayed in one spot and didn't cause trouble.
My children were constantly praised by their teachers for their behaviour.
And now they're both in high school and emotionally stable and mature for kids their age - of course, they are teenagers but they're great kids.
...

If you don't believe in hitting your kids that's fine & that is your choice. I personally think a smack here and there has helped shape the responsible, loving teenagers I have. That's my experience and I wouldn't change a thing.

I could have written the same description you wrote above...except the difference is we never spanked our kids (also girls ) and we believe, like you, that that experience has helped shape them. Mine are also great kids! We also wouldn't change a thing.
Perhaps we can agree that everyone has to do what they think is right for their own family and situation. For every story of a spanker who goes too far, there is a story of a non-spanker completely lacking in discipline.

 

[NMAmy]

Not true. Every single situation is different. That is a fact.

When we took our girls out to a restaurant, each and every time someone, whether it were the server or someone dining close to us, would remark about how wonderful our children were behaving. Even in the doctor's office during the long wait, the nurses/secretaries always remarked about how my kids stayed in one spot and didn't cause trouble.
My children were constantly praised by their teachers for their behaviour.
And now they're both in high school and emotionally stable and mature for kids their age - of course, they are teenagers but they're great kids.

My dd is almost 18 and I got the same comments on her behavior at a a younger age and now with no spanking. There's a huge difference between no spanking and no discipline at all. Not all parents who don't spank just let their kids run wild and that seems to be the point you're missing. I think we've all seen kids who are spanked who act badly as well.