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[I_Know_You2!]

Discipline is needed less frequently when you are an involved, proactive parent.
If I do need to discipline, it is one or more of the following: timeout, restrictions on activity time or privleges removed. He is now 7, and is a child everyone compliments as well behaved, courteous, and polite.

I always see this example dragged out - "oh, but my toddler ran away from me in a parking lot - they could have been killed! so I had to spank them"
and what runs through my mind is lazy parentsParents that can't or won't plan thier life better to avoid the situation.


This was not my child, but this speaks volumes about the match incident in the OP...I was with a relatives child, and I had a hot coffee sitting on a counter. The child reached for it, and in the nick of time I noticed and moved the cup. Obviously I would not discipline someone elses child, but if it was my child, would I spank him because it was dangerous and he could have gotten hurt? Of course not! As the adult it was completely my fault for not better monitoring her and thinking about where I put a hot beverage.

OP, You don't say how old you were, but if my son was playing with matches, I would talk to him about why it is dangerous and how he should never do that, age appropriate... and as the responsible adult PUT THE MATCHES WHERE A CHILD CAN'T PLAY WITH THEM. Duh!

LOL, judge much? Bad analogy, and an over simplification. My children have always been a priority, but that doesn't keep life from happening. Kids make bad choices. Even kids with "involved" parents.

Spanking isn't big in this house for a lot of reasons, but none of them are that I am a perfect parent who has always kept them safe, etc. I would never presume such a thing, and I find it funny that you make it sound that way. Your child will one day do something that you didn't plan for, and you will have to deal with it, even though you are not a lazy parent, either.

You can guard and protect your little angel, but I am quite sure my 6 have a much more interesting life being able to make mistakes and learn from them.

Usually there are natural and logical consequences. Nothing, OP, is 100%. Statistically speaking that includes spanking, if you read the research. OTOH, the research also shows that spanking is as affective as other forms of discipline when not done in anger. (That is also the case with time-outs, etc. Emotional abuse causes far more scars than a spank on the butt. )

 

[kellyg403]

Because of the way I was raised I had a really really hard time with physical /verbal discipline. My dh and my ex would get so mad at me because in order to even discipline the kids sometimes I would have to leave. I couldn't take it. It took a little while for me in the beginning years of being a mother to realize there is a difference between discipline and abuse. And there is.

That being said, I have smacked their diapers when they were younger but even my grown kids would tell you. It was the tone of my voice that made them stop dead in their tracks not the fear of being hit. Because if I did hit one of the kids, they got their feelings hurt more than anything. I was definitely not a hard hitter. I never have spanked one of my children with an object, I have never hit anywhere but their rear etc. I have great kids, seeing the fruits of stopping the cycle with me especially with my adult children and their relationship with my grandchildren.

But, I never really was one to explain something or the whys of a situation until after they had their punishment. Usually a day in the yard, a day cleaning the garage, losing everything they own in their rooms whatever. After things settled I usually would let them know they whys.

Kelly

 

[Disney Ella]

Nothing is 100%.

Spanking is just SO wrong in my book. I don't feel or think that it teaches a child any love or right from wrong, but teaches them violence and ultimatley disrespect.

Children are NEW, they have never done this before..They are learning life one step at at time.
You are now lets say 40..you are learning things new every day. If your boss came up to you and spanked ya on the butt every time you possiably put your company in trouble, or filed a paper wrong. I think there would be a problem there.
Kid's are people too! Respect them.

ITA. I was hit as a child, often because my mother was in a bad mood. I've seen other people strike out at their children because they're already annoyed by something else. I never wanted to take out my anger on someone who was smaller than me and counts on me for protection. Sure, thinking about a punishment takes longer than just hauling off and smacking the kid, but you can't take a smack back, and you can change the punishment if you realize that you overreacted later because you were in a bad mood.

My kids, despite not being hit, have always been well-behaved in public.

 

[glasslipper]

To the OP, I think the whole issue is irrelevant. Discipline in the 50's and discipline now can't even be fairly compared. I grew up in the 60's and played outside alone, wandered the neighborhood and never came to any harm. If parents allowed their children that sort of freedom now, they might be missing a child or ending up with one who was abused. To have disdain for parenting styles and choices today over times during your childhood, shows a lack of compassion and respect. I would seriously hope though, that after after 50 years, people could figure out a more civilized form of discipline!

Really, every child is different, every situation is different and every parent is different. What works for one doesn't always work for another. I personally never hit my children and they are great kids, they are polite, smart and compassionate individuals. I'm sure there are just as many children who have been spanked who turned out just as well. I was spanked as a child and I remember it wasn't always done for my benefit, or to teach me a lesson, but many times done out of frustration and anger. I do think spanking is an inappropriate form of punishment, based upon my own personal experiences.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

To the OP, I think the whole issue is irrelevant. Discipline in the 50's and discipline now can't even be fairly compared. I grew up in the 60's and played outside alone, wandered the neighborhood and never came to any harm. If parents allowed their children that sort of freedom now, they might be missing a child or ending up with one who was abused. To have disdain for parenting styles and choices today over times during your childhood, shows a lack of compassion and respect. I would seriously hope though, that after after 50 years, people could figure out a more civilized form of discipline!

Based on what? Who says the plastic bubbles of today are better? Are children better, society better, less crime, fewer addictions, healthier, happier? There isn't any empirical evidence to say so. Just as you accuse the OP of being close-minded, so are you.

 

[glasslipper]

Based on what? Who says the plastic bubbles of today are better? Are children better, society better, less crime, fewer addictions, healthier, happier? There isn't any empirical evidence to say so. Just as you accuse the OP of being close-minded, so are you.

Ever watch the news much, read the papers? Live in or near an area where bad things happen everyday and not just to kids? Talk about being close-minded. For the record, I said "might" in that sentence you highlighted , ran with and jumped the gun. I also never said times are better now or that children are better, healthier, etc.. I said you can't compare the 50's to now because one( the "innocent" blindness of the 50's) no longer exists, just like you can't fairly compare the 50's to the 1800's, different values, different circumstances, different mindsets. The Op was basing behaviors on time periods and being judgmental of parents who are dealing with many issues that weren't even thought of during The Ops childhood.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

My dd is almost 18 and I got the same comments on her behavior at a a younger age and now with no spanking. There's a huge difference between no spanking and no discipline at all. Not all parents who don't spank just let their kids run wild and that seems to be the point you're missing. I think we've all seen kids who are spanked who act badly as well.

There are good parents who spank and good parents who don't spank, bad parents who spank and bad parents who don't. There is a heck of a lot more to discipline and teaching responsibility and appropriate behavior, than whether the child is spanked or not.

As far as playing with matches, I wasn't spanked as a child, and I never played with matches. My kids have never been spanked, and they have never played with matches (and they know where we keep them), nor have they played with the knives in the big block on the kitchen counter. Now, this certainly doesn't mean only non-spanker's kids don't play with matches. The spanking worked for you, C.Ann, and that's fine, but if they had chosen not to spank, I'm sure your parents would have found another way to prevent you from playing with matches again.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

Sure, I watch the news. I also know that just because a kid comes up missing that doesn't mean they are being snatched by the dozens when they run off to play with their friends.

I think it is too simple to say they were wrong, we are right about issues such as discipline. The evidence that one is better and one worse just doesn't exist.

 

[glasslipper]

Sure, I watch the news. I also know that just because a kid comes up missing that doesn't mean they are being snatched by the dozens when they run off to play with their friends.

I think it is too simple to say they were wrong, we are right about issues such as discipline. The evidence that one is better and one worse just doesn't exist.

Ok, seriously, are you actually reading what I wrote, or randomly spouting off?

I NEVER said, nor do I believe any of what you just posted. If you are just for some reason misunderstanding, fine, but please don't falsely insinuate. Thanks.

 

[eh24fan]

Discipline is needed less frequently when you are an involved, proactive parent.
If I do need to discipline, it is one or more of the following: timeout, restrictions on activity time or privleges removed. He is now 7, and is a child everyone compliments as well behaved, courteous, and polite.

I always see this example dragged out - "oh, but my toddler ran away from me in a parking lot - they could have been killed! so I had to spank them"
and what runs through my mind is lazy parentsParents that can't or won't plan thier life better to avoid the situation.

Wow...seriously? If my kid acts up (which both of them are known to do BTW), it's because I'm not an involved, proactive parent? I wish I had known that 8 years ago! I'm, IMO, a pretty good mom, with an 8yr old that has developed quite the mouth and quite the attitude lately. I'm sure it is all because I'm not proactive or involved enough. Or, it could be that he is just gettng older and trying to test his limits? Honestly, sometimes kids just act like brats, it has nothing to do with the parents involvement...sometimes.

 

[tzolkin]

There are good parents who spank and good parents who don't spank, bad parents who spank and bad parents who don't. There is a heck of a lot more to discipline and teaching responsibility and appropriate behavior, than whether the child is spanked or not.

As far as playing with matches, I wasn't spanked as a child, and I never played with matches. My kids have never been spanked, and they have never played with matches (and they know where we keep them), nor have they played with the knives in the big block on the kitchen counter. Now, this certainly doesn't mean only non-spanker's kids don't play with matches. The spanking worked for you, C.Ann, and that's fine, but if they had chosen not to spank, I'm sure your parents would have found another way to prevent you from playing with matches again.

This post really sums it all up for me.

I know some parents who spank and when they see kids who are out of control, they assume that it's because they aren't spanked. (I don't know how many times I've heard someone say that a kid "just needs a good spanking"...) I know plenty of children who do not behave well because their parents find their behavior acceptable or simply aren't consistent with discipline. Some parents ignore their children's behavior in public. Some kids are spanked constantly and are completely out of control. I really don't think anyone could believe that spanking is 100% effective for every kid.

My niece has been smacked on the hand or bottom (often, but inconsistently) when she was getting into something since she was probably less than a year old. The child still deliberately looks at you and goes to do something she knows she's not supposed to. She also hits my children every two seconds.

DH was spanked occasionally when he was a child and it was very effective for him. However, we realize that for our children hitting is not an effective form of discipline. Honestly they will avoid matches because they understand that they are dangerous. Our two younger children need a rational understanding of something, they will not avoid something because they fear being hit. So although some people might find spanking makes their kids behave the way they want them to, it is not an effective discipline method for ALL children. It may actually cause more behavior/other problems in some families.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

100%??? Is this a joke??? Nothing is foolproof. Not even hitting. I don't want my kids to hit, and I am not a hypocrite, so I don't hit. Even though I am not going to win Mother of the Year by any means, I still manage to find ways to parent without physical punishment. I yell on occasion (at some more than others, lol) but won't hit. I personally think that hitting is more about the parents' limitations and frustrations than it is about teaching the child or saving them from danger. Think about it, what does smacking a kid have to do with teaching them to stay away from danger? You're just trying to get their attention in a very primitive way, and make a big impression on them, and I think usually it's because the parents don't know any other way. I would rather the impression my kids get not involve violence towards them, ESPECIALLY coming from me. That sends a bunch of messages, none of them good. This is my opinion, so by all means if you want to smack your kids, go right ahead. There is no law against it. Although I will say that we get abused children at work all the time, and even though there is a difference between beating the hell out of a child and smacking their hand, seeing the real abuse has made my stomach turn at the thought of striking ANY child for ANY reason.

 

[Nik's Mom]

We don't spank our children. Let me say that our kids are both special needs kids, so discipline might be different than a "neuro typical" child. For the most part, they will stop dead in their tracks if I raise my voice. If it is something dangerous, I definitely raise my voice and get down to their level so they have to look me in the face. I want them to see how serious it is.

In all honesty, autistic kids are in their own world so a lot of dangerous situations are not something to discipline but to educate. For example, yelling because they didn't watch for cars when crossing the street will do nothing. I have to hold their hands and remind them that we must watch for cars. They forget every single time we cross, so I absolutely must hold their hands. Swatting their behinds would not change this fact either.

 

[C.Ann]

 

[mom2boys]

What are your 100% fail-proof disciplinary actions that you use?

Particularly in situations where there is danger involved..

Are you talking about toddlers, teens or somewhere in between?

 

[C.Ann]

 

[asta]

I used a great method to discipline my children when they were elementary school aged. We sat down together and came up with some privileges and treats that they really enjoyed. Each item was written down on a separate slip of paper and put in a sack. At the first unheeded warning, I brought out the sack and told them if they continued to misbehave they had to draw an item out of the bag and do without it for a period of time. I only had to threaten to do this a handful of times. That bag was so feared and the items in it were so trivial like no TV for a night, no afterschool treat. I think this works because they come up with the items and they know what is at risk. They also know they can control the outcome.

 

[hipchickie]

Assume much? Where did I ever say that spanking was the only form of discipline my dad used? Nowhere.. I could probably count on one hand the times that I received a swat on the butt - and it was always because I was doing something that could have very, very serious consequences..

Exactly.. I am talking about the 50's (when I was a kid) and the 60's/70's when my kids were little.. Absolutely nothing unusual or neglectful in kids playing outside alone.. Then should not be confused with now..

Interesting how the non-spankers jump to conclusions.. They hear the word "spank", turn it into "beatings", and automatically assume that no other form of discipline was ever used.. LOL

You are obviously a little too emotional invested in this for whatever reason to have a rational discussion about this. The only one jumping to conclusions here is you. If you want a pat on the back for hitting your kids, sorry, it isn't going to happen.

I never said anything of the sort that spanking was the only form of discipline in your house but you did get spanked, so you can't say how things would have been if you had never been spanked... this really isn't a difficult concept.

you are the one trying to relate things from 50 years ago as valid parenting today :lol so are we talking about different time periods, or spanking as discipline today? You can't have it both ways. Reread glassslippers post.

 

[hipchickie]

Wow...seriously? If my kid acts up (which both of them are known to do BTW), it's because I'm not an involved, proactive parent? I wish I had known that 8 years ago! I'm, IMO, a pretty good mom, with an 8yr old that has developed quite the mouth and quite the attitude lately. I'm sure it is all because I'm not proactive or involved enough. Or, it could be that he is just gettng older and trying to test his limits? Honestly, sometimes kids just act like brats, it has nothing to do with the parents involvement...sometimes.

You highlighted LESS FREQUENTLY yourself - do you not agree that a parent that is not as proactive and involved as you are would have an even harder time with your 8 year old?

 

[C.Ann]

You are obviously a little too emotional invested in this for whatever reason to have a rational discussion about this. The only one jumping to conclusions here is you..

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Too funny..