11 year old acting strange

[a82allison]

Okay, I need some advice, opinions, thoughts.. something. I'm going to give you a little background just in case that makes a difference on what is going on right now.

My 11 year old daughter is my step-daughter. I have raised her since she was 2 1/2 years old. She has not seen her birth mom since she was about 2. Birth mom is completely out of the picture for drugs and so forth. My SD has called me mom since she was around 3. My SD does not even remember her mom that I know of, and does not yet know that I am not bio-mom.
I LOVE her to pieces, although at times I feel like she's never quite attached like a mother/daughter usually does. Her father and I divorced when she was 9. She lives with ME. Her father and I have an amiable relationship now.
I also have 2 other bio-daughters. A 4 year old and a 5 year old.

My 11 year old was finally diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and is taking Ritalin. She is not hyper, she is withdrawn and spacey. What led to this diagnosis was her complete inability to concentrate on anything in class. She was failing everything and failed to turn anything in, even though she was spending hours upon hours on homework a night. Her school is awesome, so it definitely wasn't the teachers or school. She's always been very unorganized and had trouble keeping up in class, but 6th grade just really kicked her butt.. However, once on meds, she leveled out at school, pulled all her grades up and has been doing 200% better. She still has issues, and I feel like these issues are becoming more pronounced and this is where I need help...

My daughter is about to go into 7th grade. I teach 7th and 8th graders, so I am around that age group constantly, I know what it is "supposed" to look like on a kid. My daughter is nothing like these kids! I'm scared for her.

She is very immature for her age and she is extremely awkward socially. She does not make friends easily. She cannot match clothes together, unless it is jeans and a t-shirt, in which case anything goes. She does not care about her hair or show any interest in looking nice. I have to remind her to brush her hair, take a shower, brush her teeth...every day. If I don't say anything, she doesn't do it.
My 5 year old seems more advanced in these areas than she does.

Her room is a disaster, which I know is normal...but it's not just messy, it's gross. Trash on her floor, pencil shavings and candy wrappers tucked into places all over her room.

She has a crazy habit of making knots in everything, she ties clothing together, knots up shirts and underwear, ties knots in absolutely anything that she can. WHY???? I don't get it.

She is very spacey, forgets what she was doing in the middle of doing it. She often just stares off into space when I ask her a question.. or when anyone asks a question. It can be simple, "Where are your shoes?" and she just stares at me and won't respond! She doesn't seem like she's being defiant, its like she just forgets how to talk.

I'm so frustrated, and so worried about her going into middle school. What could possibly be going on, that she is acting like this?

Her doctor just brushes me off, but I just really feel like something is missing.

She's also extremely skinny. Very very small. But eats very well.

 

[FredinFL]

Sounds to me like her medication is off. If your doctor refuses to listen to you, it's time to change doctors.

 

[cepmom]

she sounds similar to my 11 yr old niece, who also does not see her mom due to Mom's drug addictions. I wonder if your DD's bio mom used drugs while she was pregnant with DD? my neice's mom did and I can't imagine that it did not adversely effect niece in some way. I wish I had answers for you. My stepmother is raising niece and is struggling also, but they are in counseling which helps identify issues and solutions (family counseling as well as individual counseling for both of them)

 

[golfgal]

She sounds like she is autistic to me. Have you researched that?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, I need some advice, opinions, thoughts.. something. I'm going to give you a little background just in case that makes a difference on what is going on right now.

My 11 year old daughter is my step-daughter. I have raised her since she was 2 1/2 years old. She has not seen her birth mom since she was about 2. Birth mom is completely out of the picture for drugs and so forth. My SD has called me mom since she was around 3. My SD does not even remember her mom that I know of, and does not yet know that I am not bio-mom.
I LOVE her to pieces, although at times I feel like she's never quite attached like a mother/daughter usually does. Her father and I divorced when she was 9. She lives with ME. Her father and I have an amiable relationship now.
I also have 2 other bio-daughters. A 4 year old and a 5 year old.

My 11 year old was finally diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and is taking Ritalin. She is not hyper, she is withdrawn and spacey. What led to this diagnosis was her complete inability to concentrate on anything in class. She was failing everything and failed to turn anything in, even though she was spending hours upon hours on homework a night. Her school is awesome, so it definitely wasn't the teachers or school. She's always been very unorganized and had trouble keeping up in class, but 6th grade just really kicked her butt.. However, once on meds, she leveled out at school, pulled all her grades up and has been doing 200% better. She still has issues, and I feel like these issues are becoming more pronounced and this is where I need help...

My daughter is about to go into 7th grade. I teach 7th and 8th graders, so I am around that age group constantly, I know what it is "supposed" to look like on a kid. My daughter is nothing like these kids! I'm scared for her.

She is very immature for her age and she is extremely awkward socially. She does not make friends easily. She cannot match clothes together, unless it is jeans and a t-shirt, in which case anything goes. She does not care about her hair or show any interest in looking nice. I have to remind her to brush her hair, take a shower, brush her teeth...every day. If I don't say anything, she doesn't do it.
My 5 year old seems more advanced in these areas than she does.

Her room is a disaster, which I know is normal...but it's not just messy, it's gross. Trash on her floor, pencil shavings and candy wrappers tucked into places all over her room.

She has a crazy habit of making knots in everything, she ties clothing together, knots up shirts and underwear, ties knots in absolutely anything that she can. WHY???? I don't get it.

She is very spacey, forgets what she was doing in the middle of doing it. She often just stares off into space when I ask her a question.. or when anyone asks a question. It can be simple, "Where are your shoes?" and she just stares at me and won't respond! She doesn't seem like she's being defiant, its like she just forgets how to talk.

I'm so frustrated, and so worried about her going into middle school. What could possibly be going on, that she is acting like this?

Her doctor just brushes me off, but I just really feel like something is missing.

She's also extremely skinny. Very very small. But eats very well.

Anxiety and depression!!! Get the the kid in for some counseling. Who is giving you the ADHD meds? A psychiatrist?

They are notorious for not understanding how much the counseling part is crucial. Believe me, I know.

The thing is that therapy will help your dd propel herself forward and also as I had to learn with my 8th grade dd, I just could not help her because my "help" was just not "helping" if that makes sense.

At some point it goes beyond what a parent can do.

 

[Magic Mom]

Okay, I need some advice, opinions, thoughts.. something. I'm going to give you a little background just in case that makes a difference on what is going on right now.

My 11 year old daughter is my step-daughter. I have raised her since she was 2 1/2 years old. She has not seen her birth mom since she was about 2. Birth mom is completely out of the picture for drugs and so forth. My SD has called me mom since she was around 3. My SD does not even remember her mom that I know of, and does not yet know that I am not bio-mom.
I LOVE her to pieces, although at times I feel like she's never quite attached like a mother/daughter usually does. Her father and I divorced when she was 9. She lives with ME. Her father and I have an amiable relationship now.
I also have 2 other bio-daughters. A 4 year old and a 5 year old.

My 11 year old was finally diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and is taking Ritalin. She is not hyper, she is withdrawn and spacey. What led to this diagnosis was her complete inability to concentrate on anything in class. She was failing everything and failed to turn anything in, even though she was spending hours upon hours on homework a night. Her school is awesome, so it definitely wasn't the teachers or school. She's always been very unorganized and had trouble keeping up in class, but 6th grade just really kicked her butt.. However, once on meds, she leveled out at school, pulled all her grades up and has been doing 200% better. She still has issues, and I feel like these issues are becoming more pronounced and this is where I need help...

My daughter is about to go into 7th grade. I teach 7th and 8th graders, so I am around that age group constantly, I know what it is "supposed" to look like on a kid. My daughter is nothing like these kids! I'm scared for her.

She is very immature for her age and she is extremely awkward socially. She does not make friends easily. She cannot match clothes together, unless it is jeans and a t-shirt, in which case anything goes. She does not care about her hair or show any interest in looking nice. I have to remind her to brush her hair, take a shower, brush her teeth...every day. If I don't say anything, she doesn't do it.
My 5 year old seems more advanced in these areas than she does.

Her room is a disaster, which I know is normal...but it's not just messy, it's gross. Trash on her floor, pencil shavings and candy wrappers tucked into places all over her room.

She has a crazy habit of making knots in everything, she ties clothing together, knots up shirts and underwear, ties knots in absolutely anything that she can. WHY???? I don't get it.

She is very spacey, forgets what she was doing in the middle of doing it. She often just stares off into space when I ask her a question.. or when anyone asks a question. It can be simple, "Where are your shoes?" and she just stares at me and won't respond! She doesn't seem like she's being defiant, its like she just forgets how to talk.

I'm so frustrated, and so worried about her going into middle school. What could possibly be going on, that she is acting like this?

Her doctor just brushes me off, but I just really feel like something is missing.

She's also extremely skinny. Very very small. But eats very well.

Time for anew doctor. You know your daughter, and if you think something is off ( and it sounds like you are right) your doctor should be listening to you.

 

[kellyg403]

It does sound like you have a late bloomer! I have a dd, now 23, who was given Ritalin and I felt that the meds made her more off than on. It brought her soooo low she just seemed more like a zombie, didn't really care a lot one way or the other etc.

As a stepmom who raised 2 sdd's from young ages with a pretty much absent bio mom, I have to tell you right around 12 was when there was an issue of them and relationship with bio mom. I am assuming here that she knows that she was adopted and there is a mom somewhere out there. My osdd always felt there was something missing, some person out there that would understand her more than anyone, give her more than anyone could and it was her bio mom. Our situation is a little different as bio would pop in from time to time and be their friend for the week. It was hard for osdd to understand that parents weren't 'fun' all the time, because as a tween/teen a parent who says yes to everything and acted like a friend was exactly the parent she was looking for.

Honestly, while your dd has normal teen tendencies...ie the disgusting and nasty room, there seems to be more going on. I would definitely think speaking to a therapist/counselor at your school and seeing if maybe this is on the realm of normal as opposed to something bigger should be the first step. Some girls are later in caring about how they look..some dont' care because of self esteem and bullying, not feeling good enough etc. You probably would be able to help better by finding out if this is "HER", her personality as opposed to underlying issues.

Good luck OP, no matter what or how our children come to us, the worrying never ends. You are a good mom to know something isn't right and look for answers.

Kelly

 

[Diegosmom]

I know nothing about autism but that is the first thing that came into my head. I have heard ADHD and autism can go hand and hand or that often times autism symptoms are similar to autism.

I think it is time for a new doctor...mom knows best and your gut is telling you something is off...

 

[cabanafrau]

Anxiety and depression!!! Get the the kid in for some counseling. Who is giving you the ADHD meds? A psychiatrist?

They are notorious for not understanding how much the counseling part is crucial. Believe me, I know.

The thing is that therapy will help your dd propel herself forward and also as I had to learn with my 8th grade dd, I just could not help her because my "help" was just not "helping" if that makes sense.

At some point it goes beyond what a parent can do.

I don't really know what's lurking here, but this advice should get to the bottom whatever it is. Some of what you described sounds like OCD to me.

 

[Magpie]

I can't speak to the other stuff, but I can tell you that my 13yo son ties knots in everything. I don't have a huge issue with unknotting his socks and pants, etc., before I throw in the washing. However, it's worse when he's under stress, or anxiety, so I sometimes use it as a way of judging his state of mind. He has anxiety issues, borderline OCDish.

I agree with the PP about finding a new doctor, who will listen to your concerns. I also think a clinical psychologist would be better able to help your daughter than a general practitioner. He can address the social issues, as well as the attention and learning issues. (Some psychiatrists do both meds and counselling, as well - it depends on the person.)

 

[mjkacmom]

I am assuming here that she knows that she was adopted and there is a mom somewhere out there

According to the OP, she doesn't know the OP isn't her biological mom. I think that might be a problem in the future. I have friends and family who have adopted, but their kids have known it all along.

OP, it might be a problem with the medication, it might be that there are other issues going on. Trust your instincts, and have her evaluated by a specialist. Pediatrician's don't see behavior problems, because they only see your child for a few minutes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't really know what's lurking here, but this advice should get to the bottom whatever it is. Some of what you described sounds like OCD to me.

Yep. Like for example my 8th grade dd has anxiety. She is on meds for it and has had wonderful therapy in the past. She learned how to "manage" her anxiety because it is something she will have forever.

The thing about managing anxiety is that the better you handle it, the better things get and so on. It is a domino effect.

Now it is slow and not a quick fix but it is something for the long haul.

My dd has the "touching OCD". If she enters a room she has to "fiddle" or "handle" things. We have a lot of "touchy" stuff for her to "handle" like stress balls, smooth rocks, other stuff.

Her therapist even suggested that she be allowed to rip paper when she is particularily stressed. While it is something odd it is a easy, non threatening way of release.

That is why OP you have to take your dd to counseling. Everyone has a different way they need to handle their anxiety.

 

[horseshowmom]

she sounds similar to my 11 yr old niece, who also does not see her mom due to Mom's drug addictions. I wonder if your DD's bio mom used drugs while she was pregnant with DD? my neice's mom did and I can't imagine that it did not adversely effect niece in some way. I wish I had answers for you. My stepmother is raising niece and is struggling also, but they are in counseling which helps identify issues and solutions (family counseling as well as individual counseling for both of them)

That was my first thought too.

I agree with other posters that you're right about seeing an issue. Your doctor shouldn't just be brushing you off. Keep trying until you find the right doctor.

I'll share my situation briefly. My daughter was diagnosed at 19 with a condition that cannot be cured, only managed. The specialist put her on meds that worked for about a year and a half, but the issues began to get worse again. He then decided to double the med and add another prescription to it. DD was in pharmacy school and knew there was a problem with the meds so she went to talk to her professors about what she had been prescribed. They were very concerned.

We went back to the specialist, and she voiced her concerns. His response was "well, they're working right now". These medications would likely have destroyed her organs in possibly as little as 10 years. We started on a search for the "right" doctor and found one who referred her to her current doctor at Vanderbilt. She now takes a baby dose (less is more in the case of her condition) of a very benign medication that controls her symptoms very well.

Her case reinforced to me that we must be our own advocates and not rely only on healthcare providers. Good luck!

 

[LORI522]

She is lucky to have a loving mother in you, but she has had a lot of hard knocks in her short life. The brain makes many of it's important connections in the first two years of life, when it sounds like things were very instable for her. Your instinct is telling you that something is wrong, and although your doctor may be an excellent general doctor, he is not an expert in mental health. I would seek help from both a psychiatrist and a counselor.

This girl has a complicated past and YOU are going to need support in helping her face all those tough realities. I am an adoptive mom and had to do tons of classes before adopting. It is very common for children with her background to have issues throughout all the stages of their development. You just need help navigating through it all.

Best wishes!!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I was thinking severe depression too, this child needs to be evaluated by a child psychologist. I would head to the school ASAP and see how she is doing with her peers, it can't be good. Many schools have counselors there who can help.

This poor child sounds like she needs help on all fronts. You can help her by giving her something to model after, it's not enabling when its a child who can't take care of herself so clean her room for her, put together groups of outfits she can select from each morning and see what she does, she may want to look nice but can't manage it on her own, keep reminding her of hygiene too. It can't feel good to be abandoned by both biological parents, add potential brain damage in utero and that sounds like a recipe for trouble.

Bless you for being such a good Mom

 

[NikkiLovesWDW!]

She sounds like she is autistic to me. Have you researched that?

I was thinking this too. Aspergers maybe?

The specific things in your post that made me think that was...
*extremely awkward socially
*does not make friends easily
*withdrawn and spacey
*often just stares off into space when I ask her a question
*crazy habit of making knots in everything

I am certainly not a doctor but I have a student in my class with Aspergers who fits each one of these descriptions, except instead of the knots thing, she has other similar OCD habits.

I would definitely look into having her seen by a neurologist. Good luck!

 

[a82allison]

Thank you all so much for the quick responses. Yes, it sounds like I need to find some counseling for her.
I don't think she is autistic, but of course I am not an expert. She is very smart also, even though she works very slowly at everything.

I'm worried about her, I've kept hoping that she will just "grow out" of this stage, but it doesn't seem she is.

As a PP said, I also have questioned myself about whether this is just her personality...but it truly feels like there is more to it than that.

Allison

 

[Bren's Mom]

It sounds more like FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), ARND, ARBD are possibilities to me. (Or something similar but prenatal drug related.)

Also, kids always know more than we think. If she does not know that you're not her bio mom, you need to find a good therapist and work with them to tell her. If you can, I would also work on legally adopting her. The idea of someone taking her away might be terrifying.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Wow, this sounds almost exactly my step daughter when she was around this age, about 12-16. She grew out of it, seriously. She was on all kinds of meds. Even stabbed someone at school with scissors. (She was molested as a child and just had some problems.) The only stable home she had is when her and her mother moved in with me when she was about 15. Same exact thing, room a disaster, candy wrappers under the bed, bad in school. She snapped out of it when she was about 17, did double time to get her grades up and graduate on time. (She was 2 grades behind). Then she announced she was moving out on her 18th birthday to move in with this older guy she had been seeing (we did not even know about, she never hardly went out). They are now married and happy with a new baby. She seems perfectly fine and normal now, I am not sure what to say is just that sometimes kids have troubles.

I don't want to take credit for her turn around even though I was the only stable father figure she ever had. (I know if you can imagine me being a stable father figure ) But her dad never had anything to do with her. We had our issues, but I generally just tried to be nice to her, that was all I knew to do, and like I said almost over night she grew up basically and became very stable.

 

[brockash]

She sounds like she is autistic to me. Have you researched that?

That was my first thought as well. Everything you described sounds much more like some type of autism as oppose to ADHD. I would really try to have her tested/looked at for that, as things will need to be approached/done differently if that is what it ends up being.

Also, just wanted to say, you sound like a wonderful person in her life, and she's very lucky to have you that took on being her very loving/caring mom.